Playing With Fire

by Adrienne Woods et al.

  “You have to remember, just like you, he was no longer fully demon. He was stripped of his powers, just as you were. So, he was walking this space as a kind of hybrid,” Alda says, shifting her right foot across the floor in front of her as if testing to see if Jake’s dust is still scattered on the ground.

  Nodding to myself, I bite my lower lip. There’s a certain amount of sense to that.

  “I don’t mean to be pushy here, but Eva, time is not on your side. Now that some of the crazy loose ends are taken care of, I’d suggest you get on with things,” Alda says, widening her eyes and tipping her head toward Liam.

  I inhale sharply and peer over at him.

  “What is she talking about?” Liam asks, scratching at his right temple. “Is there something I was meant to be doing? I’m sorry, I just sorta feel lost right now.”

  I tip my head to the side, exhaling. After all the fighting with the incubus, what little time we did have together has dwindled down to almost nothing.

  “No, there’s nothing you need to worry about, Liam. This is all on me. But I wish… I wish I you could remember me. Maybe it’s better this way,” I say, settling into the gravity of our last few moments.

  Liam steps forward, his eyebrows knit together as he eyes my every movement. “We’re meant to know each other? Aren’t we?”

  I nod, trying hard not to let the tears brim over. But they do anyway, despite my best efforts.

  “I’m sorry, I wish I could remember you. You look familiar, but I’m… I don’t quite think I’m myself lately,” he says.

  “I know,” I say, swallowing hard and placing my left hand on his cheek. “It’s okay, Liam. It’s not your fault. You never should have been here.”

  “I think I’ll leave the two of you be… give you both a little space,” Alda says, shooting me a sympathetic smile. She catches my eye, holding up a single hand and splaying her five fingers out wide.

  Terror races through every cell in my body in that simple, succinct gesture.

  Five minutes.

  Oh my God, it’s not enough time.

  I close my eyes, trying to calm my nerves and will the adrenaline shakes rolling through my body to cease. It doesn’t help. Taking a deep breath and releasing the air slowly, I straighten my shoulders and drop my hand. “Liam, our time is almost up,” I whisper.

  Stepping in close, I wrap my arms around him, and place my head on his chest. I hold him tight, not wanting to let him go. He stands stiff at first, but then eases into the embrace as he extends his arms around me, too.

  For the longest moment, we stand there in the middle of the temple, just clinging to one another, and I’m not ready for it all to end. I don’t want to think about sending him on, but somewhere in the back of my mind, the timer is counting down and I can’t make it shut off. It’s a bomb, ready to explode.

  Liam leans forward, resting his cheek on the top of my head. A contented sigh escapes his lips, and I can’t help but feel like he has the better end of this deal. Not knowing what’s coming would be so much better. I wish I didn’t know what I was about to lose.

  “You will always be the love of my life, Liam. For as long as I live—that will never, ever change,” I whisper into his chest.

  His fingertips reach up, playing with the ends of my hair. Tears stream down my cheeks in the simple gesture and he holds me tighter to him.

  “I’m so happy we found each other,” he says, continuing to stroke my hair.

  My heart skips a beat at his words, but my head throws up alarm bells. “What did you say?” I look up at him and when our eyes meet, I know without a doubt, he’s no longer confused. No longer lost in whatever perception contortion the wraiths had instilled.

  “Liam? Are you—” I say, stepping back.

  His eyebrows tug in and he shoots me a quizzical look. “What is it, Eva? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

  “You’re not far from it…” I say, my chin dropping open as I swipe at my tears.

  Flitting my gaze to Alda’s desk, she stands up, placing a hand over her heart. She’s done her magic again, this time for the benefit of closure. I tip my chin in her direction, and she twists her wrist outward, throwing up two fingers.

  My heart and head scream and I throw myself forward, clutching Liam as close to me as possible.

  “Liam—oh, Liam,” I say. “We don’t have much time and I…”

  How do I say it? How do I tell him…?

  “You need to let me go,” he finishes.

  Our eyes lock and tears invade my vision, making it impossible to see him clearly.

  “I’m so sorry. I never should have let it get this far,” I sob. “You should be in heaven. It’s where your soul belongs, and I need to help you move on. I have to help you cross over. You don’t belong in Purgatory; you don’t belong with me.”

  “I will always belong with you,” he says, pulling me close. His earthy scent invades my senses, having both a calming and unnerving effect. I will never feel this, sense this, be with him again…

  “I’m so sorry, Liam. I am so, so sorry…” I mutter.

  “It’s okay, Eva. It’s okay,” he whispers, stroking the top of my head. “You’ve shown me what love really is, what it should feel like. I never thought it was possible for me when I was alive. What more could I possibly ask for in this existence?”

  My heart is caught between swelling and breaking into tiny pieces. All I’ve ever wanted for him was to know he’s loved. To know how incredibly special he is.

  “But I don’t want you to go… It’s not enough time. We need more time…” I say, my shoulders and chest heaving with my anguish.

  His eyebrows tug in and he strokes my lower lip with his thumb. “How long do we have left, beautiful?”

  I shake my head, fighting back the tears as they continue to stream down my cheeks. “Not long.”

  “Then let’s not waste it with worry and sorrow. I want to remember you the way we were in Purgatory before all of this,” he says, raising his eyes to the ceiling. “I want to feel your love with me.”

  “But you won’t remember,” I sob. “As soon as you go, your consciousness will be scattered and reincarnated into new bodies. Not just one. You won’t remember any of this. You won’t remember me.”

  “I will remember you. I’ll always remember you,” he says, bending forward and pressing his lips to mine.

  My head swirls as I lean into him. My hands entwine through his beautiful hair and I pull his lips to mine as if my entire existence depended on one last kiss good-bye. And maybe it does, because God knows I’ll never have this opportunity again.

  Liam places his hands on either side of my face, holding me literally in the palms of his hands.

  My heart thumps unevenly, and I know I can’t do this if he sees what’s coming. I can’t do it if he has to stand there, watching me plunge a sword into him.

  Pulling back from our kiss, I run my fingertips along his left eyebrow. “I love you more than you will ever know, Liam Henry Mattson, previous human of Earth. I love you more than all of Heaven and Earth combined. I want you to hold onto that and keep it with you wherever you go,” I say, ignoring the tears and the way my chin quivers with the words as I speak.

  “I love you, too, Evangeline,” he says, matching the intensity of my gaze.

  I bite my lip, letting the tears fall silently to the floor.

  “I need you to close your eyes for me,” I say, swallowing hard. “Can you do that?”

  “Of course I can. I trust you with my life,” he says, straightening his shoulders and closing his eyes.

  A whimper escapes my lips.

  I trust you with my life.

  Bending forward, I stand up on my tiptoes and place a gentle kiss on his lips. Liam’s eyebrows tip up in the middle, as a smile of contentment spreads across his features.

  Nodding to myself, I take another jagged breath and will the element of spirit to imbue my sword. I call upon the universe to gift me with the G
race to cross him over so he can move on to the Heavenly plane and fulfill his destiny—without me. White-hot light washes over the blade as it launches from the hilt. It vibrates with a power all its own, and even Liam tilts his head slightly, listening to its unique hum. If he knows what I’m about to do, he doesn’t say. Instead, he continues to hold still, waiting for whatever comes next.

  Taking a final breath, I take a quick step back. “I hope you can keep your promise, because I will remember you for as long as I live.”

  Without another word, I close my eyes, envisioning the access and entrance to the Heavenly realm. I ask the universe to accept him back into its primordial energy, to be reincarnated in whatever way it sees fit. When I sense the Gates opening for him, the most beautiful music ever to grace consciousness floats around us both. It’s a special event and one that’s usually celebrated. A soul called home. But I can’t find it in me to muster an ounce of happiness. Instead, I open my eyes and plunge the sword straight through his heart.

  Chapter 18

  The Greatest Gift

  Bile catches at the back of my throat as the element of spirit radiating from my sword makes its way through Liam the same way it had for the incubus. It floods his veins, illumining him from the inside out until he’s so bright I have to shield my eyes.

  I remove the sword, throwing it clear across the room. It skitters across the floor with a loud clatter, stopping when it reaches one of the shelves. The spirit energy disengages and pulls back completely, so only the decorative handle is left.

  Liam’s body stiffens and his arms reach out, hands splayed wide, as the energy consumes him.

  “I wish you all the love in the universe next time around,” I whisper, dropping my arm and refusing to let his last moments go by without my witness. It’s the least I can do for him now.

  Liam opens his eyes, staring straight at me until his eye sockets turn a blinding white light.

  “I will always remember you,” he says as the energy expands outward, consuming his face and every ounce of his body until he’s indistinguishable from the light.

  Then, as quickly as the light permeated his being, it bursts out like a dying star, flittering away like lightning bugs dispersing in the breeze. As the twinkling of his soul fades, I drop to my knees, unable to keep myself upright any longer. Struggling for breath, I grope at the floor, unable to erase Liam’s final words—or the way he looked as the light consumed him. It will be burned into my memory forever.

  “It’s okay, child,” Alda says, suddenly by my side. Her hand strokes the top of my head, but I can’t bear to look up at her. “There was no other way, Eva. I promise, there was no other way.”

  “I know… but that doesn’t make it any easier,” I say, barely holding back sobs and the bile rising in my throat.

  “Of course not,” she says, continuing to stroke my hair. “But you did good, kid. You did real good.”

  “Then why do I feel so empty?” I say, clutching at the cold floor.

  She chuckles softly. “Because doing the right thing isn’t always the easy thing.”

  I look up at her as huge tear drops slide to the floor. “How do I go on? How do I move forward knowing what we had? What we could have had?”

  Alda sighs, dropping to the floor beside me and setting her legs off to one side. “Look, Eva—the problem with the past is it’s unwavering. It can’t change without massive disruption to everything else. Envisioning a future based on the past is no better. It’s dysfunctional and misses the greatest give the universe gives us—the opportunity of the present moment. Life is meant to be lived here and now. It doesn’t matter if you’re a human, an elephant… or a Guardian. Being in the present moment and letting it unfold the way it’s meant to will always be better than projecting to the past or future.” She pats my hand as it rests on the floor, but I stare off into the recesses of the temple behind her.

  It’s easy for her—someone who doesn’t see the moral lines of good and evil. She sees everything in this varying shade of gray. But how am I meant to do the same? How am I meant to live without Liam? I won’t— I can’t.

  “What do I do now?” I ask, not necessarily to Alda but to anyone who would be willing to answer.

  “Now you accept responsibility and hold your head up high,” Alda says. “The present moment is waiting for you.”

  “I don’t know if I can.”

  “Of course you can. The universe wouldn’t have given you this gift if it didn’t think you were worthy of it, dear. You need to remember what you’re dealing with here.”

  I look up, unable to hide the confusion on my face.

  Alda smiles, shaking her head. “You’re a beautiful soul, Eva, but you still have so much to learn. It has been my pleasure to help you on your journey to discovery.” Again, she pats my hand.

  I open my mouth, about to ask a question, when all at once, I’m ripped from my internal mystery and anguish. Once again, I’m blown apart like seeds of a dandelion until I coalesce back into a solid, single entity. When my consciousness comes together, I’m standing in front of the enormous mahogany podium inlaid with gold and gems. The same High Justice Throne Angel who oversaw my last trial peers down at me with his glowing wheeled eyes and high cheekbones.

  “Welcome back, Evangeline,” he says, tipping his head in my direction.

  I nod in return, unable to muster much else.

  “It has come to our attention you have circumvented your time in Purgatory by seeking parley within the Temple of Intermediaries,” he says, straightening his shoulders and casting judgement with his creepy gaze.

  I swallow hard. Maybe this is it; maybe this is how I end my suffering.

  Curtly tipping my head, I say, “I did.”

  “To what end were you seeking?” he asks, looking over his shoulder at the other justices.

  “Did you know Liam—my human charge—was also sent to Purgatory? Did you know he wasn’t sent to Heaven?” I demand, jutting my chin out.

  “It would make a certain amount of sense. His Guardian was otherwise unavailable to cross him over,” the High Justice says simply. His expression is flat, as if it’s not unusual at all that something like this would happen.

  “He was taken before I even had the chance,” I say, shaking my head. “I never had the opportunity to do my job when my elemental sword was broken. Before I could retrieve it, he was taken, and I was here. You kept me away from him when I should have crossed him over.”

  “And do you think you would have?”

  “Would have what?” I spit.

  “Crossed him over?” he says, matter-of-factly.

  The question knocks me back a bit, and I clamp my mouth shut. Would I have crossed Liam over? Could I have…?

  I flit my gaze to him and my shoulders sag. Shaking my head, I whisper, “No.”

  “And why not?” he asks.

  “Like I said, I didn’t have my elemental sword,” I say, pressing my lips tight. I sigh, allowing the tension to roll off my shoulders. “It was damaged by the incubus and was sent back to the Guild to repair—or replace.” A moment of silence expands between us, so I place a hand on my hip and lift an eyebrow.

  “Is that the only reason you wouldn’t have crossed him over?” he asks.

  Swallowing hard, I shake my head. “Probably not. But eventually, I would have. I would have come to my senses if I realized he would be sent to Purgatory.”

  The Throne Angel that had appeared at Liam’s home steps forward, whispering something in the High Justice’s ear. He looks over his shoulder at her and nods curtly.

  “Regardless, you need to know these endeavors have left an impact across the Guild and the angelic community as a whole,” he says.

  “Well, awesome. Does this mean I’m finally done? Are you sending me on to Hell?” I say, clenching my jaw. “Or even better, end my existence altogether. I don’t need to be here any longer.”

  The Throne Angels both watch me closely, their wheeled eyes rotatin
g slowly counter-clockwise.

  “Very melodramatic for a Guardian. Perhaps there’s more human in you than should be. It could explain your connection with the human male,” the High Justice says matter-of-factly.

  “Perhaps,” I fire back, too angry to argue. All I want is to end the pain rolling through me in waves.

  “Evangeline, it is the Judgement of this Court that your punishment has been aptly served. You have done your job as Guardian to Liam Henry Mattson, thereby fulfilling your duty of care to his soul. Thus, it is now our Judgement that you be given a new charge and continue on with your duties,” he says, slamming the gavel on the podium. The sound echoes around the room, making me jump.

  “What? No—what are you talking about? I broke the Creed of Separation, Declaration Twelve—Section D. Remember? Hell, I had sex with him in Purgatory. Did you know that? How can you possibly be sending me back to—”

  “Silence,” he says in a loud, commanding voice as he raises a hand.

  Despite myself, I pin my lips shut and take a step back.

  “It is not your role, nor your place, to question our Judgement. It is your job, Guardian, to follow through with what is declared. Now, move on to the Assignment Realm to receive your new charge,” he says, clapping his hands together.

  As soon as his hands meet, I’m no longer in the Judgement Hall. Instead, I’m in a place I’ve been thousands of times before. The white walls, desk, and entire space sicken me now, but there’s nothing I can do about.

  Across the large open space, Guardian Gilda, with her intense, curly red hair and round face, beams at me. “Evangeline, you’re back so soon? I’m surprised. I thought your last charge would have kept you—” her voice falters when she sees my face. “Is everything… are you okay, sweetie?”

  I walk up to her counter as confidently as I can, but I don’t say a word. She straightens her shoulders and fiddles with the ends of her red hair. She bites her lower lip awkwardly.

  “I’m here for my next charge,” I say, devoid of any emotion.

  If they want me to go through the motions, that’s what I’ll do. But all I can focus on is how I still feel Liam’s presence around me—even though he’s gone. Is this what grief feels like? Is this how humans struggle through it? It’s horrifying.