Writing Better Lyrics
Page 25
Second Risk-Avoidance Technique
Turn one of the verses into a bridge, making the overall form fit the following structure:
v / v / ch / v / ch / br / ch.
Be careful with this option. A bridge is a contrasting element, both in structure and in content. You'll have to change both the structure and the kind of information you give.
Maybe this will work:
Verse 3
There's a part of me still on the lookout
Alert for those cutting remarks
Looks that are sweet
Soon will cause you to bleed
Woe is a slow healing heart
Chorus
A slow healing heart
Is dying to mend
Longing for love
Lonely again
When a spirit is broken
And the memories start
Nothing moves slower
Than a slow healing heart
Bridge
I pray that someday
I won't be afraid
But some hurts take longer to fade
Chorus
A slow healing heart
Is dying to mend
Longing for love
Lonely again
When a spirit is broken
And the memories start
Nothing moves slower
Than a slow healing heart
The move to future tense in the bridge helps shift away from the verse material. Shorter lines and a three-line unbalanced section (rhyming AAA) change the structure.
Now, take a minute to go back and read the whole song in the new form. Whad'ya think?
EXERCISE 48
Now come up with your own bridge to fit “Slow Healing Heart.”
Third Risk-Avoidance Technique
Keep all the lines, but restructure both verses into a single unit. Of course, this means more than not skipping a space between verses on your lyric sheet. It means changing the form of the verses so they don't repeat each other. Here's the actual full lyric by Jim Rushing:
Verse 1
When I left I left walking wounded
I made my escape from the rain
Still a prisoner of hurt
I had months worth of work
Freeing my mind of the pain
I had hours of sitting alone in the dark
Listening to sad songs and coming apart
Lord knows I made crying an art
Woe is a slow healing heart
Chorus
A slow healing heart
Is dying to mend
Longing for love
Lonely again
When a spirit is broken
And the memories start
Nothing moves slower
Than a slow healing heart
Verse 2
How I prayed for blind faith to lead me
To places where I'm not afraid
Now I'm doing fine
Both in body and mind
But some hurts take longer to fade
There's a part of my feelings ever on guard
Against looks that are tender and words that are hard
I still remember those cutting remarks
Woe is a slow healing heart
Chorus
A slow healing heart
Is dying to mend
Longing for love
Lonely again
When a spirit is broken
And the memories start Nothing moves slower
Than a slow healing heart
Look how the verse structure works:
Rhyme
Stresses
When I left I left walking wounded
x
3+
I made my escape from the rain
a
3
Still a prisoner of hurt
b
2
I had months worth of work
b
2
Freeing my mind of the pain
a
3
I had hours of sitting alone in the dark
c
4
Listening to sad songs and coming apart
c
4
Lord knows I made crying an art
c
4
Woe is a slow healing heart
c
3
The first half is basic common meter, in three-quarter time, with a rhyme acceleration in the third line. The second half moves two by two in four-stress couplets, creating a whole diff erent feel (which will force a musical change). Rushing creates two interesting, unified verses rather than four helpings of the same structure. Big difference.
Any of these three risk-avoidance techniques solve the problem created by the verse / verse / chorus / verse / verse / chorus form. They will help structure work for you, rather than risking songs that seem too long. Even if every line of all four verses is to die for, you can reorganize them into a form that delivers power rather than sags. All it takes is time, energy, and — most importantly — focus on the importance of potent song form. It's worth the work.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
SONG FORMS:
(IM)POTENT PACKAGES II
Bored? Try a little variety. That was the principle behind chapter twenty-two, where we looked at the verse / verse / chorus / verse / verse / chorus form.
Here, I want to look at another common form — one that also risks boredom: verse / chorus / verse / chorus / verse / chorus. Here's a sample that we'll title “Love Her or Leave Her to Me”:
You're living with a woman you ain't true to
Playin' round but keep her hanging on
If you don't want her, let me have her
You won't believe how fast I'll grab her
You'll hardly even notice that she's gone
Love her or leave her to me
Keep her or let her go free
Don't go two-timing her
'Less you're resigning her
Love her or leave her to me
You're out all night while she's alone without you
Just for fun she calls me on the phone
She comes to me, I play the friend
I know she'll love me in the end
As long as you keep leaving her alone
Love her or leave her to me
Keep her or let her go free
Don't go two-timing her
'Less you're resigning her
Love her or leave her to me
Well I guess some men got no appreciation
They never see the finer things in life
When they leave the best behind 'em
Someone else is bound to find 'em
Won't be long she's someone else's wife
Love her or leave her to me
Keep her or let her go free
Don't go two-timing her
'Less you're resigning her
Love her or leave her to me
Not a bad lyric. It chugs along nicely for two verse / chorus systems, developing its ideas with light, cute structure. The third system, however, seems to fall a little flat, not so much for what it says, but because we've seen its structure twice before. There's nothing wrong with the form — the form just doesn't help add interest. Let's look at some options to use instead of this third verse / chorus system.
Option 1
The most obvious boredom quencher is to insert a contrasting section — a bridge — between the second and third system. As usual, the contrast should be significant. The structure of the bridge should be different from the verse and chorus structures, including a different rhyme scheme, a different number of lines, and different line lengths. It should also say something different.
When you're writing a bridge, start by looking at what you've already said, then look for a missing piece. In this case, we know the speaker wants the wife, and that the husband is fooling around. We know the wife calls the speaker and that the speaker has plans. But we don
't know what makes her so desirable. This might be an interesting angle, especially since the third verse starts:
Well, I guess some men got no appreciation
They never see the finer things in life …
EXERCISE 49
A bridge focusing on her qualities would lead smoothly into the third verse. Start by making a list of her qualities — things she is, things she does. Draw the list from your own experiences. Do a little object writing. For example:
Kicking through the fallen leaves, gold-brown and red. Cheeks flushed and soft, glowing with the afternoon sunlight. You don't speak, I don't dare speak; our shoulders touching, lingering a little, skin electric, breath coming a little faster. You step slowly, patiently, listening to the leaves swirling and dancing in colors as we move together.
Your object writing will create a mood and character for you to respond to. Then try a few bridges. Be sure your bridge is a contrasting section. Keep it short and effective.
Simply inserting a bridge is always an option when you need a boredom breaker. The risk here, though, is that the lyric may get (or seem) a little long because it returns to a verse again before the chorus.
Option 2
Another option is to create a verse / chorus form that stops with two verse / chorus systems, creates a bridge as a contrasting system, then moves to a chorus: verse / chorus / verse / chorus / bridge / chorus.
Again, be careful. A bridge isn't a verse — it doesn't do the same job or use the same structure. It is a contrasting section. Verses usually develop plot. A chorus usually steps away from, comments on, or summarizes the verses. In our lyric, the verses develop the situation, the chorus gives a warning. A bridge will have to take a different angle.
You're living with a woman you ain't true to
Playin' round but keep her hanging on
If you don't want her, let me have her
You won't believe how fast I'll grab her
You'll hardly even notice that she's gone
Love her or leave her to me
Keep her or let her go free
Don't go two-timing her
'Less you're resigning her
Love her or leave her to me
You're out all night while she's alone without you
Just for fun she calls me on the phone
She comes to me, I play the friend
I know she'll love me in the end
As long as you keep leaving her alone
Love her or leave her to me
Keep her or let her go free
Don't go two-timing her
'Less you're resigning her
Love her or leave her to me
Leave the finest things behind, an'
Someone else is bound to find 'em
Love her or leave her to me
Keep her or let her go free
Don't go two-timing her
'Less you're resigning her
Love her or leave her to me
EXERCISE 50
Try substituting the bridge you wrote for the one I wrote. Do you like how it works?
Option 3
If you can't translate your third verse into a bridge — say that you really need that third idea as a verse — try a verse form that thrives on three-idea development: the AABA verse / refrain form.
This song form has been around a long time, mostly because it works so well. Let's try it for our three-verse lyric, using the title as a refrain:
You're living with a woman you ain't true to
You play around, she sits home faithfully
If you don't want her let me have her
Wait and see how fast I grab her
Love her or leave her to me
While you're out she gets a little lonesome
What to do, she's got her evenings free
She calls me up, I play the friend
I know she'll love me in the end
Love her or leave her to me
Boy just keep your blinders on
You'll never notice when she's gone
I'm glad some men got no appreciation
The finest things are just too hard to see
You just keep two-timing her
Soon you'll be resigning her
Love her or leave her to me
An AABA song form is effective because it creates a strong sense of resolution when it moves back to the third verse. The first two verses define “home base,” then the bridge takes you away from home — away from the familiar structure. When you come back to the third verse, you come back home to familiar territory. It's a real homecoming, seeing the old neighborhood again after a long trip. The tension created by moving away has been resolved.
An AABA's last system is actually bridge / verse, providing a nice contrast to the opening verses, as well as sponsoring the homecoming parade.
The temptation to write verse / chorus / verse / chorus / verse / chorus is sometimes strong. Resist it. Look instead for forms that present your ideas in more potent packages.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
PROCESS
My friend Bob Nicksic calls. “Got an idea,” he says. “You'll love it. It's about a girl whose parents fight all the time. Whenever they do, she goes into this fantasy world and sings a little song.” Pause.
Right. Like I'm going to guess. “We will, we will rock you?” I offer.
“Nope.”
“Was I close?”
“She sells seashells! Neat, huh?”
It was weird, not that that ever stops me. But she sells seashells?
“Hmm,” I say.
“No. Think about it. I've got some ideas for verses. Listen.”
I press record on my machine. Here's what he gives me:
Planted in the hallway
Hands over her ears
Shaken by the shouting
Growing wise beyond her years
Daddy's voice is thunder
Mommy's voice is rain
She's too scared not to watch
The hurricane
And then she sells seashells
'Cause her mind can't handle any more
So she sells seashells
On the shore
She knows daddy's leaving
But this time he says good-bye
Mommy's chest is heaving
This time she doesn't cry
Daddy bends to kiss her
Sea spray on his face
?
Yup, pretty weird. But there was something about it — the sort of spooky that slips in when you're not looking. It was slipping in. Besides, picture a singer in the studio getting to the chorus and stiffening for the tongue twister. Better yet, picture people trying to sing along. Irresistible. It appealed to the sadist in me.
I need to get the lay of the land. Time for a little object writing. I think the most productive place to look is at the title, since that's the centerpiece of the song.
Seashells
Buried, scooping sand with little mouths like front loaders; Rrrrr of the ocean their motors as they excavate tunnels, trenches, digging to China. Bodies heaped on broken bodies, clattering as waves break and wash over them, polishing and shining, smooth and tumbling. Pick one up, glistening in the sun, rings etched in spirals circling deeper and deeper, little whirlpools sucking, letting me float and spin dizzy like rolling down a grassy hill, the trees in green blurs appearing and disappearing humming in my ears, ringing like waves, like listening to the ocean in a shell. Hold it up, can you hear the ocean. No, the sounds of infinite space tucked in spirals, lost planets bobbing and sinking, the chill and emptiness. Wrap your arms around yourself. There is no warmth or comfort here, winds churning, waves tumbling, tides rolling like huge voices back and forth between continents, sea foam spilling in spirals circling and crashing over shells, crushing them to sand and dust, building into dunes, shifting, disappearing, piling up again.
Not that I'll use it all, or even any of it, but the process of object writing helps me find out wh
at I have to offer that originates from my own unique sense experiences. The closer I stay to my senses, the more real and effective my writing will be. The front loaders are out of my childhood and may not be helpful in the scene Bob gave me. I like the shells digging to China. The carnage on the beaches and the trenches could well lead to a World War I scene. The spirals etched in the shells may be useful, since the song seems concerned with the consequences for the girl of the parents' breakup. Listening to the shell is a means of escape, though in this world the escape isn't a prosperous one. I like the tides as a metaphor for the parents' voices. The dunes are nice.
CREATE A WORKSHEET
Before I look at the lyric, I'll make an abbreviated worksheet for additional stimulation. I want to find the sonic lay of the land for the keywords so far: sea, shells, shore, sand, tide.
Sea has no final consonant, so we'll look at perfect rhymes, then additive rhymes.
Debris has wonderful possibilities. Think about a beach scene and let it echo through your own senses and imagination.
I'll pass on three-syllable adverbs like breathlessly. First, I'm not a real fan of adverbs in lyrics; second, rhyming the secondary stress with a primary stress sounds awkward. Ditto for three-syllable nouns like memory and rhapsody. I'll stick to words ending on a primary accent.
Disagree isn't bad in this context, but probably not very evocative. I think it's already shown in the verse about thunder and rain. Free is overused. No thanks. You've never used plea in your life unless you've been in court. Why use it in a lyric just to get a rhyme? Referee is tempting, but it takes me somewhere I don't want to be in this song. Refugee is terrific. So, I found two stimulating perfect rhymes: debris and refugee. On to additive rhymes.
Remember, the less sound you add, the closer the rhyme is. The least possible sound comes from the voices plosives, b, d, and g. Nothing under eb. Recede is nice. Seaweed is possible. Maybe bleed. Nothing helpful under eg.
On to the unvoiced plosives, p, k, and t. Deep and sleep. Where do they take you? Streak gives me a beach sky at sunset. Perhaps streaked. I'm a sucker for bittersweet, though I don't see what's sweet in this circumstance. Maybe retreat for the waves' ebb and flow.