by Pat Pattison
So here are our rhymes for sea: debris, refugee, recede, weeds, bleed, deep, sleep, streaked, retreat.
We'll look up perfect and additive rhymes for shell. Additives are particularly effective because l, together with the vowel, make all the sonic connection you'll ever need.
Swell, as in ocean swell. If I could get swelling around the eyes, too, so much the better. Hell is too dramatic — it's one of those words that seems to mean so much more than it conveys. Like soul. Avoid those clunkers. Carousel has the circles and childhood. Maybe, though it seems a little off -center for our beach scene.
That's it for perfect rhyme.
Now browse in the rhyming dictionary through short-e + l + anything else. All I can find is withheld and help.
Okay. Try consonance rhymes, since we're dealing with l. (Change the vowel and keep the final consonants — remember?) Stay with closely related vowel sounds, either short-a or short-i. Nothing under short-a + l. Short-i looks better: chill, spilled.
Here's our rhyme column for shell: swell, carousel, withheld, help, chill, spilled.
Shore ends in another strong consonant. We'll look at perfect rhyme, additive rhyme, and consonance rhyme. This time, you let each word carry you into its possibilities: roar, pour, storm, outworn, torn, blur, search, submerged, curled.
For sand, we'll look at perfect rhyme, family rhyme (since the consonants after the vowel belong to phonetic families), and subtractive rhyme (dropping either consonant after the vowel).
I find nothing interesting under perfect rhyme except the tired old hand/understand/command nonsense.
Let's subtract d, since it's the least noticeable sound. Nothing good. Maybe ran.
Let's substitute for d from the plosive family (b, d, g, p, t, k): chant.
Substitute for n from the nasal family (m, n, ng): slammed, stamped.
Continue through the rest of the short-a + n columns: inheritance.
Our results for sand: ran, chant, slammed, stamped, inheritance.
Not bad. Our last word, tide, ends with a plosive. If it were plural, tides, it would also contain members of the fricative family (f, th, s, sh, ch, v, z, zh, j) after the vowel. Lots of places to look. Perfect rhymes: glide, slide.
Into the plosive family: inscribed (patterns etched), flight, harbor light.
Go to the plural, tides, and subtract d: sacrifice.
Look at the s family: still life, revived, rise, arise.
Our final results for tide are: glide, slide, inscribed, flight, harbor light, sacrifice, still life, revived, rise, arise.
So here's our abbreviated worksheet:
sea
shells
shore
sand
tide
Use the worksheet for reference. Remember, its main purpose is to get additional ideas and pictures. It is a brainstorming device, not a rhyme-finding device. It's a nice reference, though. Ask Stephen Sondheim: He uses worksheets all the time. Back to Bob's original ideas.
Round One
Planted in the hallway
Hands over her ears
Shaken by the shouting
Growing wise beyond her years
Daddy's voice is thunder
Mommy's voice is rain
She's too scared not to watch
The hurricane
And then she sells seashells
'Cause her mind can't handle any more
So she sells seashells
On the shore
She knows daddy's leaving
But this time he says good-bye
Mommy's chest is heaving
This time she doesn't cry
Daddy bends to kiss her
Sea spray on his face … ?
Look at the chorus. I don't really know what the verses will end up doing, especially since even the rough verses are incomplete. So I don't want to make too early a commitment to a lot of ideas in the chorus. It's best to keep it streamlined and simple at first. My first job is to make sure the verses set up the title. Additional lines can come along later when I'm sure the title works with the verses. So:
And then she sells seashells
'Cause her mind can't handle any more
So she sells seashells
On the shore
becomes:
She sells seashells, she sells seashells
She sells seashells by the shore
The first two verses seem backwards. The reaction is before the action. Try this instead:
Daddy's voice is thunder
Mommy's voice is rain
She's too scared not to watch
The hurricane
Planted in the hallway
Hands over her ears
Shaken by the shouting
Growing wise beyond her years
She sells seashells, she sells seashells
She sells seashells by the shore
Better opening. Now look at the line before the chorus (I call it the trigger line because it releases its meaning into the chorus; whatever the trigger line says will determine how we see the chorus):
Shaken by the shouting
Growing wise beyond her years
She sells seashells, she sells seashells
She sells seashells by the shore
I don't get the connection. And I want the first chorus to be the clearest of all. So we need a stronger trigger line. How about:
She hums a tiny melody
Hands over her ears
She sells seashells, she sells seashells
She sells seashells by the shore
Better, but I still don't quite get the connection. How about:
She hums this tiny melody
Hands over her ears
She sells seashells, she sells seashells
She sells seashells by the shore
Now the chorus becomes her tiny melody. It's important to take time to work on your trigger lines. They are power positions, but more important, they are the last thing you hear before you enter your chorus. Always take time to check them, the earlier the better.
The chorus seems pretty locked in just the way it is — something the little girl can sing, at least in the first system. A commentary line like 'cause her mind can't handle any more seems inappropriate.
Let's finish the verse. For now, how about:
Shaken by their shouting
Wise beyond her years
She hums this tiny melody
Hands over her ears
Our whole first song system is:
Daddy's voice is thunder
Mommy's voice is rain
She's too scared not to watch
The hurricane
Shaken by their shouting
Wise beyond her years
She hums this tiny melody
Hands over her ears
She sells seashells, she sells seashells
She sells seashells by the shore
It seems to work okay. It sets up the scene, and it sets up the chorus pretty clearly. We'll work out the kinks later.
Bob's third verse has the fight turning into a separation. Something unusual is happening:
She knows daddy's leaving
But this time he says good-bye
Mommy's chest is heaving
This time she doesn't cry
Not bad development. Daddy's leaving should increase her isolation; in fact, it will change her life. So what can we do with daddy's good-bye?
Daddy bends to kiss her
Sea spray on his face …
I was tempted to start looking for ideas with a rhyme search for face (avoiding some of the ugly possibilities like that time will not erase or gone without a trace). I would have gone for family rhymes like safe or rage, or additive or subtractive rhymes like waste or stray. Even assonance rhymes like ache or rain would work, since they would provide a sense of a closed section, yet leave it hanging a little bit, which is perfectly fine in this context.
But wait a minute: sea spray on his face?
It also seems like this verse has got to be the little girl's verse. It seems like a waste of space to let daddy linger. He said good-bye three lines ago — get him out. We have to set up the little girl's isolation. How about this for verse four:
Shuts the door behind her
Escaping to her room
Days stretch out before her
Like sand and shifting dunes
She's isolated inside her room. Let's look at the trigger:
Days stretch out before her
Like sand and shifting dunes
She sells seashells, she sells seashells
She sells seashells by the shore
Now the little girl becomes she in the chorus. She's in her room (in my head) with the sands of time (it's suggested rather than stated, which is actually pretty neat) stretching out before her. Plus, we get the overlay of the little song she sings in the first chorus. Not bad.
So here's box two so far:
She knows daddy's leaving
But this time he says good-bye
Mommy's chest is heaving
This time she doesn't cry
Shuts the door behind her
Escaping to her room
Days stretch out before her
Like sand and shifting dunes
She sells seashells, she sells seashells
She sells seashells by the shore
The whole thing:
She Sells Sea Shells (Version 1)
Daddy's voice is thunder
Mama's voice is rain
She's too scared not to watch
The hurricane
Shaken by their shouting
Wise beyond her years
She hums this tiny melody
Hands over her ears
She sells seashells, she sells seashells
She sells seashells by the shore
She knows daddy's leaving
But this time he says good-bye
Mommy's chest is heaving
This time she doesn't cry
Shuts the door behind her
Escaping to her room
Days stretch out before her
Like sand and shifting dunes
She sells seashells, she sells seashells
She sells seashells by the shore
I like common meter for the verses. Sort of nursery rhyme-ish with a lot of musical flexibility. I thought Bob would be impressed. I call back. “What d'ya think?”
“Words okay. But who's ‘she’ in the first verse? Sounds like the mother is the one that's scared, not the daughter. And who isn't crying in the third verse?”
Right. “Call you back.”
Round Two
She Sells Sea Shells (Version 2)
Daddy's voice is thunder
Mama's voice is rain
Baby's too scared not to watch
The hurricane
Shaken by their shouting
Wise beyond her years
She sings this tiny melody (rather than hums, since the chorus has words)
Hands cupped over ears
She sells seashells, she sells seashells
She sells seashells, seashells by the shore (I was tapping in threes, and the repetition felt right and sounded good)
Daddy says he's leaving (more direct)
This time it's good-bye (better rhythm match; more direct)
Mama's chest is heaving Too upset to cry (clearer reference to mama; more elegantly stated)
Baby shuts the door behind her
Escaping to her room
Days stretch out before her
Like sand and shifting dunes
She sells seashells, she sells seashells
She sells seashells, seashells by the shore
I really liked her hands cupped over her ears, like she was listening to the ocean rather than the fight. I think sings sets up the first chorus even better. And it's clear who the daughter is and who the mother is. I call back. “What d'ya think?”
“Not a bad sketch.”
Sketch? “Thanks,” I mumble. “What else do you think it needs?”
“Some of the lines are a little weird. Could be more elegantly stated,”
he says, tossing one of my favorite critiquing phrases back in my face. I hate being on the receiving end of those little grenades.
Back to it. I thought maybe, in addition to looking for better lines, I'd take a shot at a bridge that looked ahead to her later life — sort of the consequences of her childhood isolation.
Round Three
Here's attempt number three. (Instead of looking only at the rewritten lines, read it all the way through each time to immerse yourself in it. Otherwise, the changes won't make much sense or difference.)
She Sells Sea Shells (Version 3)
Daddy's voice is thunder
Mama's voice is rain
Baby's scared to watch (the double negative was too complicated)
The hurricane
Shaken by their shouting
Choking back her tears (wise beyond her years was a cliché, plus it led to a dead end)
She sings this tiny melody
Hands cupped over ears
She sells seashells, she sells seashells
She sells seashells, seashells by the shore
Daddy says he's leaving
This time it's good-bye
Mama's chest is heaving
Too upset to cry
Baby stumbles down the hall (it wasn't clear what door she shut; better rhythmic match)
Escaping to her room
Years stretch out before her (Takes us deeper and further into her life)
Like sand and shifting dunes
She sells seashells, she sells seashells
She sells seashells, seashells by the shore
Patterns etched those years before (like patterns on seashells)
Circle through her life
She wanders down the beach alone
Watching tides
She sells seashells, she sells seashells
She sells seashells, seashells by the shore
The bridge sort of fell out like that. It seemed like the right idea, but something bothered me about it. Structurally, it was the bridge from Paul Simon's “Still Crazy After All These Years,” with the telltale short last line. But how bad could that be? I love that bridge.
Maybe the last line could be longer to slow everything down, like the bridge in Paul Simon's “Train in the Distance.” How bad could that be? I love that bridge, too. No one would know, unless I told them. Plus, it would give me more room to “state it more elegantly.” Let's try it:
Patterns etched those years before
Circle through her life
She wanders down the beach alone
Searching through the leavings of the tides (this came from debris in the worksheet)
After trying this, it hits me. This bridge can't be in common meter — the verses already are. I'd fallen into the same old trap of locking into a pattern mentally and writing it automatically. C'mon, stupid, a bridge is supposed to contrast, and you've got to make a difference right away, at the first line. I liked the five-stress last line, so I tried it in the first line, and decided on a three-line bridge for a little asymmetry:
Years have etched their patterns in her life
She walks the beach alone
Searching through the leavings of the tides
Bett
er. I hope Bob likes it. Sometimes my preference for asymmetry drives him nuts. Go back and read version three with the new bridge.
Before I call, one more thing. I've written at least three articles insisting that you check every lyric you write from all points of view.
This one was a third-person narrative. I have to check out first-person narrative, with the little girl as the speaker:
She Sells Sea Shells (Version 4)
Daddy's voice is thunder
Mama's voice is rain
I'm too scared to watch
The hurricane
Shaken by their shouting
Choking back my tears
I sing this tiny melody
Hands cupped over ears
She sells seashells, she sells seashells
She sells seashells, seashells by the shore
Daddy says he's leaving
This time it's good-bye
Mama's chest is heaving
Too upset to cry
Stumbling down the hall way Escaping to my room
Years stretch out before me Like sand and shifting dunes
She sells seashells, she sells seashells
She sells seashells, seashells by the shore
Years have etched their patterns in my life
I walk the beach alone
Searching through the leavings of the tides
She sells seashells, she sells seashells
She sells seashells, seashells by the shore
Hmm. It doesn't work very well, does it? There's got to be a tense change for it to make sense. The little girl has to be looking back from adulthood:
She Sells Sea Shells (Version 5)
Daddy's voice was thunder
Mama's voice was rain
I was scared to watch
The hurricane
Shaken by their shouting
Choking back my tears
I'd sing this tiny melody
Hands cupped over ears
She sells seashells, she sells seashells