by Pat Pattison
She sells seashells, seashells by the shore
Daddy said he's leaving
This time it's good-bye
Mama's chest was heaving
Too upset to cry
Stumbling down the hallway
Escaping to my room
Years stretched out before me
Like sand and shifting dunes
She sells seashells, she sells seashells
She sells seashells, seashells by the shore
Years have etched their patterns in my life
I walk the beach alone
Searching through the leavings of the tides
She sells seashells, she sells seashells
She sells seashells, seashells by the shore
The move from past-tense verses to a present-tense bridge works. And each chorus has her cupping her hands over her ears and singing her little song, even as an adult. Kind of a spooky effect.
Now let's try it as a second-person narrative, on the model of Bob Seger's “The Fire Inside”:
She Sells Sea Shells (Version 6)
Daddy's voice is thunder
Mama's voice is rain
You're too scared to watch
The hurricane
Shaken by their shouting
Choking back your tears
You sing this tiny melody
Hands cupped over ears
She sells seashells, she sells seashells
She sells seashells, seashells by the shore
Daddy says he's leaving
This time it's good-bye
Mama's chest is heaving
Too upset to cry
You stumble down the hallway
Escaping to your room
Years stretch out before you
Like sand and shifting dunes
She sells seashells, she sells seashells
She sells seashells, seashells by the shore
Years have etched their patterns in your life
You walk the beach alone
Searching through the leavings of the tides
She sells seashells, she sells seashells
She sells seashells, seashells by the shore
Oops. The chorus has to stay in third person. That's the attraction of the song. But the third-person chorus doesn't work very well with you, especially the second and third times. Goodbye to second-person narrative.
So it's between third- and first-person narrative. Close call. Look at versions three and version five side by side:
Version 5
Version 3
Daddy's voice was thunder
Daddy's voice is thunder
Mama's voice was rain
Mama's voice is rain
I was scared to watch
Baby's scared to watch
The hurricane
The hurricane
Shaken by their shouting
Shaken by their shouting
Choking back my tears
Choking back her tears
I'd sing this tiny melody
She sings this tiny melody
Hands cupped over ears
Hands cupped over ears
She sells seashells, she sells seashells
She sells seashells, seashells by the shore
Daddy said he's leaving
Daddy says he's leaving
This time it's good-bye
This time it's good-bye
Mama's chest was heaving
Mama's chest is heaving
Too upset to cry
Too upset to cry
Stumbling down the hallway
Baby stumbles down the hall
Escaping to my room
Escaping to her room
Years stretched out before me
Years stretch out before her
Like sand and shifting dunes
Like sand and shifting dunes
She sells seashells, she sells seashells
She sells seashells, seashells by the shore
Years have etched their
Years have etched their
patterns in my life
patterns in her life
I walk the beach alone
She walks the beach alone
Searching through the
Searching through the
leavings of the tides
leavings of the tides
She sells seashells, she sells seashells
She sells seashells, seashells by the shore
Make your own list of pros and cons for each version. I like the intimacy of first person. Here, however, we lose some immediacy in past tense. The distancing of third person can be effective, but we really don't feel that much distance because the present tense verses are so immediate.
What locks in my decision is the way the third-person bridge flows into the chorus. She in the bridge becomes she in the chorus!
Now, stop to think: Is there any reason to try a version of third person with the verses in past tense? Yup. Process. Go back to version three and do it.
I don't like it. It loses our treasured immediacy. So the verses stay in present tense.
One more thing. How about keeping the narrator focused on the little girl the whole song? We could put the bridge in future tense (never forget future tense — sometimes it can work miracles):
Years will etch their patterns in her life
She 'll walk the beach alone
Searching through the leavings of the tides
She sells seashells, she sells seashells …
A big difference in focus. I really like the future tense. It moves into the present-tense chorus just as effectively, and it keeps the speaker looking at the little girl in her room. So here's what we've got:
She Sells Sea Shells (Version 7)
Daddy's voice is thunder
Mama's voice is rain
Baby's scared to watch
The hurricane
Shaken by their shouting
Choking back her tears
She sings this tiny melody
Hands cupped over ears
She sells seashells, she sells seashells
She sells seashells, seashells by the shore
Daddy says he's leaving
This time it's good-bye
Mama's chest is heaving
Too upset to cry
Baby stumbles down the hall
Escaping to her room
Years stretch out before her
Like sand and shifting dunes
She sells seashells, she sells seashells
She sells seashells, seashells by the shore
Years have etched their patterns in her life
She walks the beach alone
Searching through the leavings of the tides
She sells seashells, she sells seashells
She sells seashells, seashells by the shore
There. Point of view and tense check out. Finally, let's look to see how effective the form is. Right now, it's verse / verse / chorus / verse / verse / chorus / bridge / chorus.
When we get to verse four, we've seen the same structure three times, threatening to make the song feel too long. So what are our options?
Option 1
Dump verse four (or three). That would give us the more streamlined and effective form of: verse / verse / chorus / verse / chorus / bridge / chorus. Look at verses three and four again. Can we dump one?
Daddy says he's leaving
This time it's good-bye
Mama's chest is heaving
Too upset to cry
Baby stumbles down the hall
Escaping to her room
Years stretch out before her
Like sand and shifting dunes
Try reading from the top, leaving out verse three. She doesn't seem to have a reason to stumble down the hall, nor is there a basis for the dramatic lines years stretch out before her / like sand and shifting dunes.
We need to know daddy's leaving.
We can't do without verse four, either.
We couldn't get into the chorus effectively.
Option 2
Combine verses three and four into one effective verse:
Daddy says he's leaving
This time it's good-bye
Mama's chest is heaving
Too upset to cry
Baby stumbles down the hall
Escaping to her room
Years stretch out before her
Like sand and shifting dunes
Four ideas, each one two lines long. Maybe the bridge can cover the final two lines.
Years stretch out before her
Like sand and shifting dunes
Years will etch their patterns in her life
She'll walk the beach alone
Searching through the leavings of the tides
They're not the same, but let's suppose that the bridge will at least suggest the last two lines' idea. We're left with:
Daddy says he's leaving
This time it's good-bye
Mama's chest is heaving
Too upset to cry
Baby stumbles down the hall
Escaping to her room
Let's get rid of mama's reaction and adjust the rhymes:
She Sells Sea Shells (Version 8)
Daddy's voice is thunder
Mama's voice is rain
Baby's scared to watch
The hurricane
Shaken by their shouting
Choking back her tears
She sings this tiny melody
Hands cupped over ears
She sells seashells, she sells seashells
She sells seashells, seashells by the shore
Daddy says he's leaving
This time it's good-bye
Baby stumbles to her room
They won't hear her cry
She sells seashells, she sells seashells
She sells seashells, seashells by the shore
Years will etch their patterns in her life
She'll walk the beach alone
Searching through the leavings of the tides
She sells seashells, she sells seashells
She sells seashells, seashells by the shore
What do you think? Certainly the form is more effective. I miss the picture of mama, and its drama. I like the way the bridge fills in for the last two lines of the old verse four, though. Let's see what else we can do.
Option 3
Rather than identical verse structures, change the structure of verses two and four so the same structure doesn't repeat four times. The structure of verses two and four still match each other. Let's work with the first song system:
Daddy's voice is thunder
x
Mama's voice is rain
a
Baby's scared to watch
x
The hurricane
a
Shaken by their shouting
x
Choking back her tears
b
Hands cupped over ears
b
She sings this tiny song so she won't hear
b
Changing the rhyme scheme and extending the last line in verse two gives us a nice contrast with verse one. The two structures are related, but verse two develops and will force musical development as well.
Let's see if we can we play the same trick in the second song system:
Daddy says he's leaving
x
This time it's good-bye
a
Mama's chest is heaving
x
Too upset to cry
a
Baby stumbles down the hall
x
Escaping to her room
b
Lost inside her childish tune
b
Years stretch out like sand and shifting dunes
b
Not bad. This is the result:
She Sells Sea Shells (Version 9)
Daddy's voice is thunder
Mama's voice is rain
Baby's scared to watch
The hurricane
Shaken by their shouting
Choking back her tears
Hands cupped over ears
She sings this tiny melody so she can't hear
She sells seashells, she sells seashells
She sells seashells, seashells by the shore
Daddy says he's leaving
This time it's good-bye
Mama's chest is heaving
Too upset to cry
Baby stumbles down the hall
Escaping to her room
Lost inside her childish tune
Years stretch out like sand and shifting dunes
She sells seashells, she sells seashells
She sells seashells, seashells by the shore
Years will etch their patterns in her life
She'll walk the beach alone
Searching through the leavings of the tides
She sells seashells, she sells seashells
She sells seashells, seashells by the shore
Option 4
Change verses two and four into transitional “pre-choruses” to go between verse and chorus. Extend verse two into two five-stress lines:
Daddy's voice is thunder
Mama's voice is rain
Baby's scared to watch
The hurricane
Cold and shaken, choking back her tears
She sings this song, hands cupped over ears
She sells seashells, she sells seashells
She sells seashells, seashells by the shore
Not bad. Let's see about the second song system:
Daddy says he's leaving
This time it's good-bye
Mama's chest is heaving
Too upset to cry
Baby disappears inside her room
Years stretch out like sand and shifting dunes
She sells seashells, she sells seashells
She sells seashells, seashells by the shore
The transitional sections have the virtue of forcing a strong musical development. Each song system becomes an integrated unit. Here's our result:
She Sells Sea Shells (Version 10)
Daddy's voice is thunder
Mama's voice is rain
Baby's scared to watch
The hurricane
Cold and shaken, choking back her tears
She sings this song, hands cupped over ears
She sells seashells, she sells seashells
She sells seashells, seashells by the shore
Daddy says he's leaving
This time it's good-bye
Mama's chest is heaving
Too upset to cry
Baby disappears inside her room
Years stretch out like sand and shifting dunes
She sells seashells, she sells seashells
She sells seashells, seashells by the shore
Years will etch their patterns in her life
She'll walk the beach alone
Searching through the leavings of the tides
She sells seashells, she sells seashells
She sells seashells, seashells by the shore
Version 9
Version 10
Daddy's voice is thunder
Daddy's voice is thunder
Mama's voice is rain
Mama's voice is rain
Baby's scared to watch
Baby's scared to watch
The hurricane
The hurricane
Shaken by their shouting
Cold and shaken, choking back her tears
Choking back her tears
She sings this song, hands cupped over ears
Hands cupped over ears
She sings this tiny song so she can't hear
She sells seashells, she sells seashells
She sells seashells, seashells by the shore
Daddy says he's leaving
Daddy says he's leaving
This time it's
good-bye
This time it's good-bye
Mama's chest is heaving
Mama's chest is heaving
Too upset to cry
Too upset to cry
Baby stumbles down the hall
Baby disappears inside her room
Escaping to her room
Years stretch out like sand and shifting dune
Lost inside her childish tune
Years stretch out like sand and shifting dunes
She sells seashells, she sells seashells
She sells seashells, seashells by the shore
Years will etch their patterns in her life
She'll walk the beach alone
Searching through the leavings of the tides
She sells seashells, she sells seashells
She sells seashells, seashells by the shore
Perhaps the final choice is a matter of taste, but the important part is the process — developing alternatives is what makes the decisions based on taste possible.
Maybe I could have written lines in option three and option four that would have made me like them better, but my choice is number two. I like the way the second verse sets up the chorus both as her little song (with cry in the sense of call) and as a commentary (“they won't hear her weeping while she sells sea shells”). No, I don't expect everyone to get it, but it's still there resonating and making the emotions richer. Plus, given the last line, they won't hear her cry, their patterns in the bridge now refers both to the parents' patterns and the patterns etched by the years.
My next step: Fax Bob. Then call. Confidently, already salivating at the prospect of watching the blood drain from the demo singer's face when the first chorus comes around, I say, “What d'ya think?”