Say You Need Me

by Van Mol, Stefanie

  I don’t know where this snappy version of Camille has come from, but I kind of like it. Already I’m imagining what I can do to that naughty mouth of hers. With one powerful thrust, I plunge into her and for a moment it’s like the world stops turning. We moan simultaneously. For a second I just hold still, enjoying the warmth of her around me. She feels tight and hot. Then I feel Camille move under me, shoving her ass into me to urge me to keep going. So I do. I start to slide in and out of her wet warmth.

  I lift up her right leg and put it on my shoulder. Now she’s totally under my control. I set a breakneck pace and completely lose myself in her. When I look down at her, I see her breasts bounce up and down because of my hard thrusts. Her fingers are curled around the edge of the table to stop herself from falling off. But it’s only when her gaze collides with mine that I let go completely. I feel Camille contract around my length and tumble over the edge myself.

  This is, without a doubt, one of the most powerful moments in my life. The full realization of what we’ve just done hits me. I let go of her leg and slump down on top of her. My heart races as though I’ve just run a marathon. I try to slow it down, but all I can think about is that Camille is here, underneath me, and my dick is still lodged in her folds. Her unique scent drifts into my nostrils. This was undescribable. All at once I remember what it was like between us. One thing’s for sure – I am not letting her out of my life again.

  Present day

  Camille

  How did I let this happen?

  Goddammit, Camille, you’re not one of those young, easy girls anymore who spread like butter. Right? I’ve debased myself – allowed myself to become just a number in his list of conquests. Even worse: how am I going to explain this to Vincent?

  After everything he’s done for me, this is the knife I’m plunging into his back. I’m so disappointed in myself, even though I knew this was going to be a losing battle.

  I should have known better. It was like this before, and it still is true now: all logic, rational thought leaves me whenever I’m near Jonathan. When he’s close, there’s just this searing lust between us. Sure, I hesitated for a few seconds, but then I closed my eyes and gave in to the all-consuming desire I felt for him. Everything else in the universe fell away. There was just him and me.

  Unfortunately, there’s a whole lot of other things in the universe besides us. I shouldn’t have let this happen. I came here to talk about our son and everything else that happened while Jonathan was away. And even though he seems to think he’s the only one who wants clarity and answers, that’s not true. I want what’s best for Maxim, so I need to be strong and confident. Letting this happen between us is way too dangerous.

  Jonathan gets up and I realize the full extent of what we’ve done. He zips up his pants again, readjusts his shirt... I get up from the table, tug my skirt down and look around for my underwear. The panties are torn up, so I can’t put them back on. I stuff the fabric into my pocket. No way I’m leaving that here as a sort of trophy for Jonathan. With trembling hands, I start to button up my blouse, and when I turn around, I see Jonathan watching me with a self-satisfied grin on his face. My blood boils. Everything about this situation feels like he staged it, and I fell right into his trap. And the fucker isn’t shy about being proud of it.

  My hand slaps his jaw before I even know what I’m doing. Shit, that hurt, but it was worth it. I register the shock and surprise on Jonathan’s face, but the smug smile just won’t disappear. I raise my other hand and want to lash out again, but this time he’s quicker than me. He seizes my hand mid-air.

  “I’ll give you the one, Camille,” he calmly says. “You’re not getting a second hit in, though.”

  I yank my hand out of his grasp and glare up at him. “You stay away from me,” I fume. “And away from my son.”

  I grab my bag and storm out. This time, I am the one to close the door behind me with a slam. I hope his heart will shatter into as many pieces as mine did when he did it to me five years ago.

  * * *

  When I get home, I throw the car keys into the little bowl on the table next to the door. The drive home didn’t calm me down. I am livid. Not even with Jonathan – I’m angry with myself. How could I have let this happen? I usually have myself under control, but ever since Jonathan’s back in my life it’s like I’m not myself anymore. I head for the shower and take off my clothes. Everything – my hair, my clothes, my skin – smells of him. Of his scent, mixed with mine. Of sex. All I can do now is to scrub it off me as fast as I can.

  I wash myself until my skin feels raw and looks red. I get a new pair of panties from the dresser drawer, since Jonathan tore up the other one. Then I pick out a clean dress to wear. Just as I’m slipping into it, someone bangs on the front door. I don’t even have to hear his voice to guess who it is.

  “Camille!” Jonathan hollers. “Open the damn door!”

  I step into the hallway and shout back as loud as I can. “Forget it, Jonathan. I have nothing more to say!”

  “Camille, Either you let me in or I kick in the door. Up to you.”

  I’m pretty sure everyone in the apartment building can hear us fight.

  “One, two...”

  Is he being serious right now, talking to me like I’m a little kid? My common sense urges me to just open the door for him. The last thing I need is for him to make good on his promise. I can only imagine what the landlord will say if he sees the damage. I quickly open up before one of the neighbors decides to call the cops.

  “What do you want, Jonathan?”

  I angrily cross my arms and block the entrance. Or at least, that’s what I was going for. Of course I can’t physically stop him from entering and he storms in, pushing me aside and closing the door behind him. My apartment is small as it is, but with him in it, it truly feels like a dollhouse.

  His angry gaze lands on me. “We were supposed to talk about our son.”

  “Your way of discussing things is very different from mine.”

  He has the gall to smirk. “Far as I can recall, you were the one begging me.”

  I wish I could hate him – I truly do. But deep down I still love him. I never stopped loving him, even though I don’t want to. It’s just stronger than me. That day at the hospital I scared him away for his own good, not because I wanted to. I didn’t want to be a burden to him, and I don’t want my son to be a burden either. All the emotions of the past few days wash over me and a lonely tear rolls down my cheek.

  He’ll never understand what my life has been like in the past few years. He had it all – one success after the other. He was probably having the time of his life with the band while my life was in shambles. I had to conquer so many obstacles, and having Vincent and Karen in my life is all that got me through the tough times. I’m so grateful to them both.

  Jonathan wipes the tear away from my cheek with his thumb and I look up at him.

  “Can we please just talk?” he says.

  His anger has subsided. There’s no point delaying the discussion any longer, so I nod and lead him to the living room. Jonathan sits down next to me on the couch. And there we sit in silence for a while. Where to start? So much time has passed. So many things have happened that he doesn’t know about. Fortunately, he is the one to break the silence eventually.

  “Why did you push me away like that back then, Camille?”

  I hang my head. Of course that would be his first question. He’s not going to be happy with my answer, but I’m still convinced I did the right thing. I mean, look at all the things he’s accomplished with Full Moon in the meantime. That never would have happened if he’d stayed with me.

  “I overheard you and Max talk, that day at the hospital,” I start out. Jonathan shoots me a puzzled look. “And you said you’d be willing to give up the band to be with me. You were willing to give up everything you worked so hard for... for me.”

  I give him a sad look and as I watch him, I see the truth sinking in. The moment he
realizes that I did it all for him.

  “Did you... for me?”

  He looks at me so disbelievingly that my heart seems to shrivel up and die. My tears start to fall faster now.

  “I didn’t have a choice, Jonathan. If I hadn’t pushed you away like that, would you have given up your music?”

  Jonathan gives me an intense look and doesn’t miss a beat. “Absolutely.”

  This confession truly sets me off. I knew it. I may not have been 100% sure back then, but this settles it – I made the right decision at the time. If I had stayed in his life, he’d never have been able to get a taste of success with Full Moon like he’s had now.

  Jonathan’s strong arms wrap themselves around me and he pulls me close. I succumb to his embrace and put my head on his shoulder.

  “Did you know you were pregnant, that day at the hospital?”

  “No, of course not. You really think I wouldn’t have told you?”

  Jonathan stares at me for a while, drowning himself in my eyes before he lets out a small sigh. “No, you wouldn’t have kept that from me.”

  He clenches and unclenches his fists. I see he’s trying to contain his anger. “I still can’t believe Joe did, though.”

  I put my hand on one of his fists and reassuringly pump it. Slowly, it’s starting to sink in what happened five years ago. I have been such an idiot.

  I begin to cry even harder. How could I have been so foolish? I should have insisted with Joe, should have kept calling until I could speak to Jonathan personally. I should have known he wouldn’t have chosen to abandon his son.

  Jonathan hooks a finger under my chin and slowly lifts it. His lips caress mine. He deepens the kiss and I feel his tongue flutter across my lips. With a sigh, I open my mouth for him, giving in to all the feelings rushing through my body.

  From the corner of my eye, I suddenly see someone step into the room and our kiss is brought to an abrupt stop.

  “What the fuck is going on here?”

  Oh, shit.

  Jonathan immediately lets go of me and jumps up. Together, we stare at Vincent, who’s just gotten out of work and is still wearing his overalls. The look on his face is definitely tortured.

  None of us speak – we just stare at each other.

  Present day

  Vincent

  This is not exactly the kind of thing you want to see when you get home after a long day of work. Seeing Camille and Jonathan sitting on my couch, kissing, smack in the middle of my own apartment, is like a nightmare come true.

  And now here we are, gaping at each other, all of us completely dumbstruck. And yes, no matter how much it hurts, a part of me always knew that the risk was there that this might happen. Camille’s feelings for Jonathan never really faded. She struggled with them for years and just as I was starting to get convinced she was over him, he’s back. I know she loves me too, but it has never been like that blinding, all-consuming love she felt for him.

  Camille looks from me to Jonathan. Then she walks away, bawling her eyes out. I hear the bedroom door close with a thud, leaving me alone with Jonathan.

  He looks at me, then scratches his head. “Well, this sucks.”

  I couldn’t agree more. “Sure does.”

  * * *

  Jonathan and I talk for a long while. I tell him about me and Camille, how our relationship evolved after he left. But I am honest with him about Camille’s feelings for him – I know she never truly forgot him.

  In the end, he gets up to go back to the music hall. After all, he and the band need to come up with a solution now that they’ve fired their manager. I promise him I’ll talk to Camille and we’ll be in touch. No matter how ugly this situation has become, we need to find a solution that everyone can live with. Camille has had her fair share of tragedy in her life. The last thing I want is for her to get hurt all over again.

  I’m in front of the bedroom and quietly knock on the door. “Camille... can I come in?”

  Almost immediately, the door swings open and Camille stares up at me with red-rimmed eyes. She’s clearly upset.

  “Are you angry with me?” she mumbles.

  “No. Camille, I’ll be frank with you: walking in on the two of you sucked, but I’ve always known you still had feelings for my brother. I’m not blind, you know.”

  Her gaze guiltily drifts to the floor.

  “I’m so sorry, Vincent. I’ve fought it for a long time, but now that he’s back... I don’t know what to do with this.”

  “You love me too?”

  A tense silence follows and I can see the cogs in Camille’s head turning.

  “Of course I love you too, Vincent. Without you I’d be lost right now. You have no idea how much you mean to me, but it doesn’t mean that my love for you renders my feelings for Jonathan void. All the years I spent hating him for what he’d done... now I know what really happened. I can’t blame him for anything. He honest to God didn’t know.”

  I pull Camille into my arms and kiss her gently on her forehead. “We’ll find a solution. We always have been able to, and we will again.”

  Present day

  Jonathan

  In the past few weeks, my life has changed drastically. Camille, Vincent and I talked things through and we’ve decided to put Maxim’s needs first. That’s why I’m pretty nervous about today – we’re going to tell Maxim that I’m his father.

  We’ve been doing things together a lot these past weeks. In between the rehearsals for the new concert, we went to a theme park with all four of us. It was a fantastic day, although seeing just how much of a tight-knit family Camille, Vincent and Maxim are scared me a bit. I can’t blame them – they made the most of a fucked-up situation. I see how much Maxim looks up to Vincent. Maxim knows Vincent’s not his dad, but he also doesn’t know who is. Camille never lied about it and I’m grateful. At least now I have the chance to be a real father to him.

  I arrive on the floor where their apartment is and knock on the door. Camille opens it and ushers me in.

  “Where’s Maxim?” I say.

  “In his room. I’ll go get him.”

  Maxim enters the living room together with Camille, but stops in his tracks when he sees me there. He yanks his hand out of Camille’s grasp and makes a run for me. I’m just about ready to catch him when he jumps into my arms.

  “Hey, buddy.”

  “Sticks! You made it, you didn’t forget about me! Please can I come with you to learn how to play the drums?” He looks from me to Camille. “Please, Mom, can I? I’ll be good.”

  Maxim is firing off so many questions that I don’t even have the time to respond. It makes me feel all warm inside that he’s clearly so comfortable around me. Sure, we went on a couple of family trips together, but to him I am still mostly a stranger. Something I hope will change after today. I glance at Camille and see the endeared look in her eyes as she watches us. She comes toward us and bends down so she can look Maxim in the eyes.

  “Maxim, Jonathan and I need to talk to you. Shall we sit on the couch?”

  Maxim looks from Camille to me and the first tears begin to fall. “See? I told you Mom wouldn’t let me.”

  His sobs get louder and I pull him in for a hug while looking up at Camille. I’m not sure how to respond to his comment, but it breaks my heart to see him cry.

  Camille caresses Maxim’s hair. “Hey, I didn’t say I wouldn’t let you. I just said we need to talk first.”

  As soon as he hears those words, his crying stops and he runs toward the couch. Before Camille and I have had the time to stand up straight again, he’s sitting there like a patient, obedient boy. Camille shakes her head, laughing. She pats me on the shoulder when she passes me.

  “Get used to it. Maxim is a master at getting what he wants. You’ll see through his crocodile tears soon enough.”

  The realization that I’m going to have to learn all the ins and outs of raising a child hits me like a fast train. Camille’s been doing this for five years. I was most
ly upset with her when I found out, but now I’m beginning to see what she’s been through. I have so many questions for her – and I will ask them all when the time comes – but for now, I just want Maxim to finally know that I’m his father.

  Camille is sitting on the couch with Maxim in her lap when I sit down next to them. Maxim looks from her to me with impatience.

  “Maxim... you remember what Mommy told you about your daddy?” she says.

  His expression turns solemn. “Yes. Daddy didn’t know I was inside your belly.”

  She gently strokes his curls and presses a kiss to his forehead.

  Before I know what I’m doing, I blurt out: “She’s right, you know. I never would have left if I’d known you were growing inside her belly.”

  Camille makes big eyes at me, but I ignore her. What was she expecting? For me to just sit here patiently and let her tell the whole story? Maxim’s my son and he deserves to hear it from me. I can’t stand seeing him unhappy, and as from today I will do everything in my power to keep him from being unhappy again. Maxim looks up at me, his gaze roaming my face inquisitively. Since he’s not saying anything, I decide to make it more explicit.

  “Maxim – I’m your daddy.”

  Camille and I both wait with baited breath for his reaction. Maxim wriggles out of Camille’s grasp and jumps into my lap, into my waiting arms, wrapping his little arms around my neck.

  “I’ve always wanted to have a daddy,” he exclaims.

  We both exhale. I don’t know exactly what I was expecting, but this wasn’t it. I glance over Maxim’s shoulder and see Camille quickly wipe away a tear. As soon as she notices my eyes on her, she smiles as though nothing’s the matter.

  I didn’t really need any more encouragement, but now I’m absolutely sure that this is what I want. To be a family, just the three of us. And not just any family – a happy family. The kind of family I never had.