She doesn’t buck me off, so I’m already winning. “Attagirl,” I say to her and make her trot. “There you go,” I say.
"Why isn’t he wearing a shirt?" I look over and see Emily with her hand over her eyes to block the sun while she looks at me.
"He thinks he’s John Wayne," my grandfather says, and I laugh. I take her for a ride in the forest to see how she reacts to sounds, and she is perfect. A touch scared, but she’ll do. I ride her back to the barn. Getting off and grabbing the reins, I bring her to the water. She walks with me slowly, and when we get close to the barn, she stops.
"I’m here,” I say, and she takes one step and then another, stopping every four steps to look around to see where she is.
"Hey, John Wayne," my grandfather says, coming out of his office, laughing. "How did she do?"
"She did okay in the forest; the noises didn’t spook her,” I say, getting her in the stall and showing her the fresh water. "She’ll be fine." I rub her neck. “I’ll take her."
“Already put it down in the book,” he says, and I laugh.
"What happened to the computer?" I ask, knowing full well how much he hates it. It’s as old-school as it gets. It took four years for him to agree to the flip phone he still has.
"That thing got jammed." He shakes his head. “Now Harlow comes in the morning, takes all my papers, and does what she needs to do with them."
I laugh now and walk out of the barn. “Thanks, Grandpa,” I say, walking to his desk and putting my shirt back on. "I’ll come back later today." I think to myself, hoping I can convince Hazel to let me bring Sofia here. “Or tomorrow."
He looks at me. “This is your home," he says. “You never have to tell me when you are going to be here. You come when you want to come."
I didn’t know how much I needed to hear that right now. “Thank you, Grandpa,” I say. “For everything."
He nods, unsure what I’m talking about, and I know that I’m going to have to sit down with him and tell him. After my parents, he is the one I want to tell the most. I walk away from him, heading to my truck and going to the one place I’ve been wanting to go back to since this morning.
I pull up in the road that leads to the house and park behind the truck. I get out now and look over through the tall grass and see her hopping by herself. I watch her, and I swear to God I can’t explain it, but I would do anything in the world for her. She looks up now and sees me. “Uncle Reed!" she yells and runs to me, pushing her hair behind her ears. I squat down now as she gets close. “Did you think about me?" she asks, and I look at her smiling. “My ears were ringing." She laughs, and I want to take her and pull her to me and kiss her neck. I want to tell her how sorry I am for not being there for her first step. I want to tell her how sorry I am for missing everything.
"I thought about you all day,” I say, blinking away the tears. “Where is your mom?" I ask, looking around.
"She is making me cookies ’cause I fell, and I bleeded.” She points at her knee. “Over a fucking rock.” I roll my lips.
“I don’t think you should say that word,” I say. “Where did you fall?”
“Over there.” She points at the tall grass. “I didn’t see it, and I fell."
I reach out and touch her knee with my finger. “I bet you were really brave,” I say, and she shrugs. "What kind of cookie is Mom making?"
"Chocolate chip." She smiles now. “Is that your favorite?"
"It is." I don’t add in that it is now. "It’s my favorite."
The door opens now. “Sofia!" Hazel yells her name, and her eyes find mine. "Come get cookies."
I look back to see Hazel standing on the porch. “Momma," Sofia says. “Uncle Reed was thinking about me all day. My ears were ringing." She starts walking, then turns and comes back to slip her hand in mine. “Come on, I’ll share my cookies with you."
Chapter 18
Hazel
I open the door and yell her name. “Sofia. Come get cookies." I look for her, and my eyes find Reed. My heart speeds up as I watch the two of them.
"Momma!" Sofia yells. “Uncle Reed was thinking about me all day. My ears were ringing." She starts to walk to me and stops, turning back and going back to Reed. She slips her hand in his and looks up at him. “Come on, I’ll share my cookies with you."
The lump in my throat grows even bigger as they walk toward me. He’s wearing jeans and a white shirt, and he’s even hotter than he was six years ago. He made my stomach flutter even back then, but now that he’s all grown up, he’s taken it to a whole different level. "We have to wash our hands,” she tells Reed. “Or no cookies."
She walks into the house, and Reed stops in front of me. “Hey," he says softly. “I didn’t."
I just shake my head. “It’s fine." He walks in, and I wait a couple of seconds before walking in. Putting my hand to my stomach, I let out the breath I was holding when he walked by me. This whole day has been one thing after another, starting with him showing up here this morning. Then Savannah came over, only to have Sofia fall and scratch her knee. The sound of her shrieking made my blood run cold. I got there in record time, and I was expecting to find something broken. The blood was running down her leg in thick drops. I carried her in and cleaned the area, thinking for sure she would need stitches. How the fuck would this look to Reed? I’ve second-guessed every single thing I’ve said and done since he found out that Sofia is his.
"You put soap." I hear Sofia. “And then you sing your ABCs," she sings now. “Now I know my ABCs, won’t you come and play with me,” she sings louder. “Now you can rinse." I walk into the kitchen and see her sitting on the counter, knowing he picked her up and put her there. “See,” she says, turning now and grabbing the rag, and semi wiping her hands down. “All clean."
"Thank you," Reed says when she hands him the towel. He wipes his hands and now picks her up, and I see that he wants to kiss her cheek, but all he does is smile at her. His eyes are filled with all the love I thought they would be.
"Momma," Sofia says, looking at me. “Can we have a cookie before the spaghetti?" she asks, and I look over at Reed.
"I usually don’t feed her dessert before dinner." I have this crazy need for him to know that I’m a good mom. "It’s just, she fell before, and I …"
He holds his hand up to stop me from talking, and I thank God since I have a feeling I would have word vomited. It’s like I can’t stop saying the wrong thing. "Sometimes, a cookie before dinner makes you even hungrier." He smirks at me. “But only one."
"Okay, one," Sofia says and then looks over at me, and she has the same smirk her father has. I am such an idiot, I think to myself. How could I think he wouldn’t see it? How could I have thought that coming back here was a good idea?
"Come and sit, Uncle Reed," Sofia says. “I can read," she tells him, getting on her chair and sitting on her knees. “See this, it’s Green Eggs and Ham." She holds up the orange book, and Reed sits down next to her. I walk over and put two cookies on a plate and then bring it over to them. “I get to pick first," Sofia says. “Because I’m smaller."
Reed laughs at her now. “Those are the rules,” he says, smiling at her, and she picks up her cookie.
"This one is bigger." She takes a bite. “Yummy."
The timer on the stove dings, and I walk over and take the pasta off the stove, straining it in the colander, “Did you eat?" I ask, not looking at him.
"No. I’m sorry,” he says. “I didn’t even think about the time."
"Uncle Reed," Sofia says. “Did your ears ring today?" she asks him, and I close my eyes as I listen to the next part. “I was thinking about you." One tear comes out now and rolls down my cheek.
"Did you?" he says, and I can just imagine how that must feel for him.
"Yeah. And your horse,” she says, making him laugh.
"If your momma says it’s okay, maybe we can go for a ride tomorrow,” he says, and I hear her gasp out.
I turn and walk over to put the pasta in the
saucepan, mixing it. "Momma.
"Can we?" she asks, and my eyes never leave the pan in front of me.
"We’ll see,” I say, grabbing a plastic plate for her. I turn to get a fork and knife to cut it.
"Can I help?" Reed pushes away from the table, and I can feel him beside me. “I can cut that for her."
"Yeah, sure,” I say, not sure how I feel about him stepping up. This is what you wanted, my head screams. This is what you hoped for the whole time. I place some pasta on a plate and then fill Reed’s with more than mine. I carry them to the table, my hands shaking a bit. It’s a good thing I set the table for us before he got here. I walk back to grab another pair of utensils while he finishes cutting her pasta. He brings it to the table and places it in front of her.
"It’s still hot,” he tells her. “So you need to blow." I sit down, facing Reed as he sits.
"Don’t eat," Sofia says. “We have to say grace." She turns her hand over for his and then the other one for me. I put my hand in hers, and Reed reaches across the table for mine. My hand slowly reaches across the table, his hand facing up. His hand is warm to my cold one. "Dear God,” Sofia starts, and I look over and see that her eyes are closed. My eyes go to Reed’s as he just stares at me. "Thank you for the cookies and the food,” she says. “And for Uncle Reed and his horse." Reed chuckles while the emotions get the better of me. “Amen."
"Amen," I say before I get up. “Excuse me,” I say, rushing up the stairs and to the bathroom.
I close the door and put my hand to my mouth. The sob comes out as quiet as I can, my back against the door as I slide down to my ass. I wipe away the tears that come right after the other, and the soft knock on the door makes me stop.
"Hazel." I hear his voice softly. “Are you okay?"
"Yeah. I’ll be right down,” I say, getting up now, listening to hear him walk away. I get up, making my way over to the sink and opening the water. Rinsing off my face, I grab the towel and dab the water off.
Opening the door, I’m not expecting him to be there waiting for me, leaning against the wall with his ankles crossed. "Oh," I say out loud and stop in my tracks. "I thought."
"What’s wrong?" he asks softly and looks down the stairs to make sure that Sofia isn’t coming up.
"Nothing," I tell him, looking down. “I’m fine."
"You aren’t fine,” he says. “It might have been six years ago"—he stops and swallows—“but I know you."
"That was a long time ago,” I say, my knees feeling like they’re going to buckle when I look up at him and see his eyes. His eyes always felt like he could see into my soul, and that never went away. The same look he used to give me as we spent all those nights talking in the barn. I knew as time went on that I was slowly falling in love with him. I knew it was stupid and would only lead to me being heartbroken when he went away, yet I did it anyway.
"Not that long." He doesn’t move, and I know that if I don’t say anything, he isn’t going to drop it.
"It’s just," I start to say. My lip tremors, and he stands up now and comes closer to me. He stands right in front of me as I try not to cry. "It’s just that for our whole life, it’s just been her and me." I wipe the tear as fast as I can. “No matter what, it was always just us." He starts to say something, and I hold up my hand to stop him. “Every single day, it was us two at the table, except when Pops came to visit. So seeing you at the table with her and her thanking God for you." I close my eyes, taking slow, soft breaths. “It was just so real. I’ve thought about this moment for the last six years. I’ve thought about how you would be with her. And it’s just so much better than I thought it was going to be." I fidget with my hands. “I’ve always wanted her to have what she had yesterday and today." His hand comes up now as his thumb stops a tear from rolling down my cheek. “You have no idea how it felt seeing her running, knowing that she was with family. Knowing that she had all these people there for her and that they didn’t know."
"There are going to be more days,” he says, his hand not moving from my face. "I don’t want to take your place. I just want to have a place where I get to love her also."
"I’ll never ever keep her from you,” I say, and his thumb rubs my cheek. “Not now, not ever."
"There are things we need to talk about,” he says, and I feel my stomach rise and fall. “There are things that need to be said, but I don’t want to do it now when she is up or can hear."
"You’re right,” I say. “There are things that need to be said."
"Let’s finish eating, and then I’m going to take off. I’ll come back tonight, and we can talk." I nod my head, not sure I can answer him. "But just so you know, Hazel, I’m not going anywhere."
He doesn’t say anything more. His hand drops from my face, and he walks back down the stairs. My hand comes up to my face where I can still feel his touch, his words echoing in my head. “I’m not going anywhere."
Chapter 19
Reed
I walk down the stairs, my hand still tingling from touching her face. My thumb is still wet from her tears. I saw her get up from the table, saw the tears, and my heart broke. Thinking that my being here was hurting her, I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move. I looked over at Sofia to see if she noticed, but all she did was eat her spaghetti.
I walk back down, sitting down in the chair right next to Sofia, and she just looks up at me with sauce all over her cheeks. “Is it good?" I ask, and she nods her head. I want to lean over and kiss her, but I don’t know if it’s too fast. I want to hold her in my arms all the time. Carry her to make up for all the years I didn’t.
I hear the stairs creak and look up to see Hazel come back and sit down. Her beauty stops everything in me. All the thoughts are gone, and the only thing I can think of is making this right here something that I do every night. She looks over at me, and she gives me a side smile and takes her first bite of pasta.
I take my time eating, knowing that as soon as I finish eating, I’m going to have to leave and my stomach sinks thinking about it. "So what grade are you in, Sofia?"
"Kindergarten," she answers, filling her spoon with pasta.
"Do you like school?" I take my own bite.
"Yeah, but sometimes it’s boring,” she says, moving her head. “And the math is too easy."
I laugh at her expression. “Do you like math?" I ask.
"She’s doing math at a third-grade level," Hazel says. “She has always loved it. We started practicing her addition when she was three," she lets me know, and I smile at her.
"Definitely takes after her mom for that,” I say, smirking and grabbing another bite. Hazel always did better in school than I did. If I got a sixty, I was happy with it.
"She goes to private school also," she tells me, and I just nod. "She’s getting a good education."
"I don’t doubt it,” I say, sensing that she’s nervous when it comes to talking about Sofia.
"I drop her off and pick her up as soon as she’s done her extra-curricular activities." She pushes the pasta around her plate.
"What do you do extra?" I look at Sofia.
"Chess,” she says, and my eyes open wide. “And math club."
"Definitely a momma’s girl,” I say, laughing, and she smiles.
“I look like my momma,” she says, and I just nod.
“You are just as beautiful as your momma,” I say and look over at Hazel, who just looks at me and then down again.
“Do you play chess?” Sofia looks over at me as she slurps pasta.
“No,” I say, shaking my head. “I tried to learn once. But it’s just too hard for me."
Sofia puts her small hand on mine. “I can teach you," she tells me, and at that moment, I wonder if she knows how much of my heart she has. I wonder if she can feel the love that I feel for her. I don’t give a shit that her hand is full of food and that now it’s dirty. Her touch is everything. I look at the hand mark on mine. I made that, I think to myself. My whole life, I’ve been trying to make a mark o
n the world. My whole life, I tried to run away and be my own person. In the end, I helped create the perfect human being.
"I’ll get you a rag," Hazel says, watching me just watch my hand. She jumps up now to grab a wet rag and hand it to me.
"I’ve been dirtier,” I say, laughing as I grab the rag. She avoids my eyes with that comment and sits down.
After I finish my plate, I get up and help her clean up, trying to take in every minute I can. "I’m going to go and give her a bath," Hazel says. “You can wait or come back."
"I want to stay,” I say honestly. “But I also want Sofia to be comfortable. When do you want me to come back?"
"After eight is good. She usually has a bath and then reads," she tells me. “She can read.”
I smile proudly. “You did good, Hazel,” I say softly, and I want to bring her to me and taste her lips. Just like I did all those years ago.
"Thank you,” she says, looking away from me as if she heard my thoughts.
"Okay, Sofia,” I say, walking over to her. “I’m going to go."
"Bye, Uncle Reed,” she says. “Come back, and I can teach you chess."
I nod at them both and walk out of the house. I close the door behind me and sit on the stoop, putting my hands on my knees and letting my head hang.
I get up to leave, and I just can’t. I sit down, my head turning around and around. The door opens, and I feel her come out and sit next to me. “You didn’t leave." Her shoulder is against mine, and my whole body comes alive. "I looked out when I was putting the laundry in and saw your truck still here." I look over at her. Her hair is now tied on top of her head, little strands coming out.
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