Reaching Answers

by Erin R Flynn

  I closed my mouth so fast, I bit my tongue. I stopped fighting him, the will to fight leaving me.

  “Please leave. I’m tired,” I mumbled, not able to hide how defeated I was for once.

  “No. No, I won’t leave you when you’re like this and I was part of the problem,” he rasped. “You’re scaring me, kitten. My bear is freaking out that you’re giving up.”

  I didn’t even mean to throw up the barrier I did. It just happened, but when he was pushed away, I turned around so I wasn’t facing him. I buried my face against my knees and tried to squash down what I was feeling.

  “Craftsman is the only one who sees what Neldor’s been doing to me, but I can’t trust him that he’ll stay this time. Mel left. You and Darby have been… I’m trying to let Hudson back in, but none of this is helping. Now I’ve got to free Geiger’s mate who agrees with Neldor and will pressure me more? You just don’t get it and you’re not on my side, so please just go.”

  “No, I am on your side,” he breathed, his magic pushing against my barrier. “Let me in, Tamsin. Please. Please. Tell me what’s been going on that I’ve missed. I’m sorry I’ve let my fear and bullshit blind me. I’ll do better. I’ll stop falling for his games. I promise.”

  I didn’t mean to let him in but my magic—or subconscious—must have wanted it because he was hugging me moments later.

  And kissing every inch of my skin he could reach.

  “I can’t,” I whispered, trying to shrug him off.

  “I’m a bear, Tamsin,” he murmured as he slipped off the strap of my sports bra.

  I rolled my eyes and pulled it back up. “Yeah, you’re a male. Sex solves everything to most of you guys.”

  “True, but not what I meant,” he chuckled, yanking down the other strap. “You’re my mate, kitten. Both of us want to apologize. It’s how bears roll.”

  “You’re not making sense,” I growled, pulling it up and holding both as I turned to face him. “We’re not okay, Lucca.”

  “I know,” he promised as he came in for a kiss.

  I wasn’t ready for that, so I leaned away until I had backed down to the floor… Which had been his goal from the smirk he gave me.

  He kissed the exposed part of my breasts, winking at me. “Father always bitches that—”

  “Yeah, bringing him up really won’t help your chances,” I drawled.

  He winced, but still kissed my shoulder as he moved over me. “Most mated bears—it’s not only for fated mates. Once a bear mates or if they find their fated mate, there are a few things that happens to us if we fuck up. Our bears drive us to apologize, grovel.”

  “I like groveling,” I mumbled, not getting what he meant.

  “I know.” He smirked at me and snapped my sports bra.

  “Hey, I said you weren’t getting sex,” I bitched.

  “I know. I’m pleasing my mate. I’m groveling.” He shrugged when I gave him the look he deserved. “Call Hudson. He’ll tell you.”

  “He’s not your mate.”

  “No, but it’s well known about bear shifters and you trust him,” he explained gently.

  “Just tell me. I should be able to trust you.”

  He sighed, lowering his forehead to my stomach. “You won’t believe me when you’re this mad at me. I don’t even blame you. It’s hard to justify why I’m also being so pushy. Trust me on that.”

  He jumped to his feet and grabbed my phone, knowing the code and tapping it in before handing it over. I saw he had already connected the call as well.

  “Hello?” Hudson said as I put it to my ear. “You sent Darby here?”

  “Um, yeah, hi,” I sighed, holding my sports bra together with my other hand. “I sent Lucca away as well, but he came back and—sorry, he called you. He wants you to explain to me about bear shifters and apologizing?”

  There was a long pause, and then Hudson burst out laughing his rare full laugh, shocking the crap out of me. It took a few minutes for him to calm down enough that I could even think to ask him what was going on.

  “So smacking him around went well, I take it,” Hudson said when he finally got himself together, still chuckling and amused.

  “I haven’t forgiven him but… I don’t know.” I sighed again. “What’s going on?”

  Instantly, he lost his mirth. “You okay?”

  “Not really. Could you please tell me whatever my supposed fucking mate won’t?”

  “I can, Tamsin,” Lucca whispered.

  “He can, but it would sound too ridiculous for you to believe,” Hudson muttered. I was seconds from smacking them both when he finally spit it out. “Bear shifters can’t finish until their mates forgive them. For the females too. Something happens with their chemistry and they turn crazy horny once they say the apology for real, and all they can focus on is groveling.”

  I blinked up at Lucca who simply nodded. “You’re right. I wouldn’t have bought that when I’m this pissed and hurt.”

  He shrugged. “And that’s valid. I wouldn’t have been upset, but most of my blood is in my dick right now, and I’m aching to take away all the stress I’ve caused you.”

  “Sex doesn’t make this all better. I won’t just forgive you because you—”

  “I know. I know that,” he whispered.

  “He does,” Hudson agreed. “It’s just like River being pushy for attention so you don’t drift further away. It’s instinct. He didn’t show he valued you and all he can think of is spoiling you and that starts with physically when you’re so upset.”

  “Well, there’s not really a switch I can just flip that—” I bit back a moan as Lucca started kissing along my stomach. “Cut that out.”

  “I’m so fucking hard for you after you kicked my ass,” he growled as he tore off my leggings.

  “You are not helping me be less pissed at you by not listening to me,” I warned.

  He instantly froze. Lucca let out a long, shaky breath as he lowered his forehead to my stomach. “Shit. Sorry. Sorry, kitten. I smelled you get wet and I just can’t… Fuck. I thought you were teasing or…”

  “Yeah, no way to really finish that, huh?” I drawled.

  “No, yeah, I can.” He growled deeply. “I thought you were going to smack me around some more, not let me win so easily or work to get you in the mood. You deserve that. If you really don’t want to, of course you deserve that too.”

  “Giving in doesn’t mean you forgive him, my princess,” Hudson murmured in my ear. “You’re thinking like a human. He’s a bear. This is like… It’s like Darby bringing you roses.”

  “Orgasms instead of flowers?” I mocked.

  “Yes,” they said together.

  “Let him take away your stress,” Hudson pushed. “Let him taste you.” He cleared his throat and I squirmed a bit.

  “And? What else did you want to say there?”

  “I want to know he fucked you all day and never finished. He’ll take care of you for days. He’ll keep going and going as much as you want to show you how much he wants you happy and taken care of. That’s hot.”

  Shit, it was.

  “But it doesn’t make me feel like we’re more than sex and he values me,” I whispered, hating that I’d admitted that out loud.

  “We’re more than that, kitten,” he promised as he kissed along my stomach and then my hip. “I’m not trying to cheapen you and get off. I want you to feel treasured as I take care of you like I should have been.”

  “So you were selfish and now I get to be?” I grumbled, not understanding as my mind turned to what he was doing to my body.

  “Exactly,” Hudson chuckled. “Just like you eating the treats he gave you didn’t mean he was forgiven and all was better—him eating you again and again shows how much he cares. It’s not caving or condoning his bad behavior to accept.” He snickered when I groaned at the idea of that many orgasms from Lucca’s talented tongue. “Let him show how devoted he is to you, my princess.”

  “Damn you both.”
/>   Lucca kissed lower where my leggings were ripped. “Say yes. I’m being too pushy, and I don’t want any misunderstandings later.” He sniffed me intimately. “You smell so good. I want to taste you. I want to love on you and show how sorry I am.”

  I shivered, hissing out my acceptance. Assholes.

  “Smack him around while he pleases you,” Hudson moaned from the phone.

  “Are you—”

  “Of course I am,” he chuckled, not even giving me the chance to ask.

  “You’re both pervs,” I bitched, gasping as Lucca’s tongue did that flipping thing I loved. “I’m not smacking him when I’m enjoying this.”

  “No, verbally. Tell him what he’s done wrong.”

  I almost did, saying something about how he’d better use that tongue that he let wag to say so much crap to please me … But even thinking it made me not want to play anymore. I pulled away and Lucca felt my upset or change in attitude.

  “That’s not her thing,” he growled. “She doesn’t enjoy the fighting. Sparring, yes. Fighting, no. She wants happy. I’m giving her happy.”

  And then he went back to feasting.

  The first two orgasms took me by surprise, the third almost made me forget, but the fourth wracked me with guilt and I pulled away. I quickly scooted by the bed, shaking my head. “I can’t do this.”

  “I want to do this,” he whispered as he slowly moved towards me with the grace of a predator. “I want my mate happy and sated. I hurt you. You’ve been hurting because of me. Sex and orgasms won’t fix it, I know that. You feel more than that. I know you do. You felt how much I crave you, and not just physically, Tamsin.”

  Did I? Did I know how to feel that?

  No, no I didn’t. I shook my head.

  “No, you don’t feel it or you can’t feel it?” he murmured as he moved over me.

  I swallowed a yelp as he picked me up and put me on the bed, joining me and sliding me to the middle of it. “I don’t… I don’t sense that stuff like you guys do.”

  “Never? You’ve never felt that?”

  I looked away as he settled over me. I swallowed loudly and nodded. “Not like you’re talking about but… I knew I was giving part of my soul. I could feel my soul with him when we made love. I thought I felt his soul touch all of me and the depth of his love for me when he—when we were intimate like that. I feel that part of my soul in him and long for it.”

  “Craftsman,” he said, not making it a question.

  So I didn’t answer or confirm it. There was no reason to.

  “There’s nothing extra you sense?” he checked.

  I sighed, scrubbing my hands over my face. “I don’t ever know what I’m doing, Lucca. Sometimes I get gut feelings. I sense a lot of what I know. I know malice. I know predators. I know a lot of what Neldor is always feeling because I’m used to assholes. I don’t know much of the good so no, I can’t sense whatever you’re talking about. I don’t have an awesome nose or whatever.”

  “I understand,” he comforted. He gently ran his fingers over my leg. “You know assholes. I get it.” He kissed my shoulder when I nodded. “Did they touch you like this?”

  “I don’t—”

  “Close your eyes and think back to them,” he murmured as he ran his nose along my neck. “How did they touch you? Was it like this?”

  I didn’t really want to think back to the jerks I let use me… Which really told me the answer without having to do as he asked, but I still did. “No.”

  He kissed down my collar bone and along my breasts. “What does this make you feel?”

  I didn’t know how to answer. Everything that came into my melted brain sounded stupid.

  “I feel sexy when you kiss my chest,” he offered. “I feel amazed someone as awesome as you wants me. It makes me want to flex and workout more so I’m always at my best for you.”

  My eyes popped open and I stared at him. “Really?”

  He chuckled. “Yeah, really. I love the way you check out my abs and lick your lips. I’ve doubled my ab workout since second semester last year when I would take off my shirt sparring with you so I’ll never lose my eight pack and your attention.”

  For some reason, that made me feel ridiculously special. It seemed almost shallow but not, and flattering. “Yeah?”

  “Yeah, kitten. And when you run your nails over my stomach? Fuck. You slide your hand in my pants or shorts and run your nails down there, and I fucking lose my mind. It’s not about the hormones or getting hard. You want me. It’s not a power trip or cheap that I get hard for you. You love getting me riled up because it’s awesome between us. It’s fire and fun and everything good.”

  I nodded as he kissed my nipples, arching my back to give him all the access he wanted. “You shiver and lean into me, sniff me and growl like even my scent is what you need. I love that.”

  “It’s true. I smell you and I feel better. I know you’re near and we’re us. Don’t you feel that when you’re around me? I know you do… Never mind.”

  Hudson. He wanted to talk about feelings and mates but not cross the line again. I sighed. “It’s all a jumbled mess, Lucca. I don’t mean to put salt in the wound or bring up old shit, but what I said to your bear is true. I’m sorry, but it’s not even been a year, and what Mason did to me was…”

  “I know,” he whispered, kissing my stomach. “I know, kitten. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I made it worse. You’re not bringing up old shit. It’s not over for you.”

  “No, it’s not,” I rasped, glad at least he could understand. It helped me feel we were on the same page of something. “I bonded with River fast like I did your bear, and things never got messed up with River. I heard him like a person and never you, which I get now, but that was a different level then.”

  “I get it. I do. I think my bear does now too. I didn’t realize he was so upset about how you treat River, named him and not my bear.” He sighed. “I’m all jumbled too, Tams. None of this is easy. From the moment I spanked you and fucked up, you’ve been slipping away. I get it now. I’ve been an Alpha douche that was gripping tighter to keep you and… I fucked up.”

  I pushed up on my elbows and stared down at him. “This is why bears do this, right?”

  He frowned. “Do what?”

  “Freak out to grovel to their mates this way.”

  He slowly shook his head. “I don’t get it.”

  I gestured between us. “We’re talking like this. We’re talking like post-sex chill because—well, we’re naked and we’ve been intimate. It’s not all better and I haven’t forgiven you, but there’s no way we’d be talking like this otherwise.”

  He gave me a soft smile. “You are so fucking sexy.”

  “Huh?”

  “I never thought of it like that, and I am a bear. I love how smart you are. It’s fucking sexy.” He didn’t give me a chance to reply, pushing up and kissing me with all he had before worshipping his way down my body until he got to the best place to kiss.

  After several more orgasms, I needed a break, floored he wasn’t trying for more or something for himself. He simply smiled his happy bear smile at me as he pulled me against him.

  I hadn’t seen this side of Lucca as a man or I would have immediately known his bear wasn’t Mason’s. Damn.

  “What are you going to do about Darby?” he asked me gently as he traced circles around my back.

  “I don’t want to talk about that,” I grumbled.

  “Woah, you’re more upset with him than me,” he whispered, getting clued into something, somehow. “Why? We were doing the same thing. I mean, I was worse.”

  I sighed. “But we’re not officially together. Everyone knows I’m with Darby. My boyfriend was doing it. Everyone has been mocking me and taking shit shots at me because even my fucking boyfriend was going to dump me over it, dump me over another woman. My best friend. You can imagine how people turned that around.” I sat up and pulled away, not wanting to talk about this anymore.

  “I
didn’t know that,” he admitted, sitting up as well and pulling me right back to him, in between his legs even so I was trapped. “Damn, yeah, that would be shit people just love.”

  I snorted. That was the understatement of the year. “I’ve been getting shit from a lot of vamps that the council really did get to Darby and their plan is for him to bully me like this because I’m so in love with him. It’s a perfect plan to weaken me so I’m vulnerable. I know that’s not true and it’s a stupid idea even for the idiot councils, but it makes me look weak when I can’t risk that and it’s dangerous to.”

  “No, I don’t think he understands that either,” Lucca grumbled.

  I glanced at him over my shoulder in confusion. Then I remembered my phone. “Oh shit. Hudson?”

  “Yeah, he’s still there,” he chuckled.

  “Whoops.”

  Lucca laughed at something Hudson must have said, hugging me to him as he took a few minutes to calm down. “Darby didn’t disapprove of you smacking me around. He’s jealous. He can’t stand up to the beating you gave me, and he’s upset you would dedicate the time to me like that when you love him. He thinks you’re done with him, but he was not judging you.”

  “For real?” I whispered. I waited until he nodded and scrambled for the phone, ungracefully tumbling off the bed and onto the floor. “Ouch.”

  “I got it, goof,” he drawled. He easily grabbed the phone and then me on his way back, plopping me back in the same spot. He handed me the phone which I immediately put to my ear.

  “Are you okay?” Hudson worried.

  “Fine, just my pride. What happened?”

  “He’s a mess,” he sighed. “He decided to get drunk while lecturing Melody and her family that she’s being ungrateful for all you did and it’s hurting you. That they all have been hurting you and he’s lost you. I’ve never seen him just chug hard booze like that. I think we were all too shocked to think to stop him at first. He was not judging you or thinking what you did with Lucca was wrong.”

  “It seemed like…”

  “He didn’t want to say he was jealous in front of the others and tried to say he knew he wasn’t your mate, so things were different.”