Olly, Olly, Oxen Frey

by Paul Manchester

  Footbe noticed her expression. “Jenny, this ain’t what they really be lookin’ like. They‘s cursed.”

  “They don’t look like monkeys with fishtails?”

  “Nope, they be real purty,” chimed in Mamy.

  “If’n ya like fish,” added Papy. “They be a wee bit annoyin’ act’ally. Too much gigglin’. E’en the men.”

  Jenny had forgotten that the Wishermans were standing behind her.

  Papy approached Footbe. “But, can ya fix ‘em? With that magic moss ya brought?”

  Footbe fidgeted as Jenny, the Wishermans, Gibbie and Nibs stared at him expectantly for his answer.

  Footbe stared into space like he was remembering something important.

  He turned his goat-eyed gaze to the rest. “Ah well, ah can’t jest now.” replied Footbe. “Thar be one more thing we’d be needin’ ta restore ‘em, an’ ah’m not yet quite sure how ta get it.”

  “What? Why are we here then?” exploded Pirate Jenny. “There’s kids that need saving while we dawdle around here!”

  “Ah know, ah know. We be here as ah do know where the MER-magic be kept. King Posei be workin’ on something special-like when he be cursed.”

  The Wishermans were looking skeptical.

  The phooka’s padded hoofs clacked up to the wall at the back of the chamber between the two staircases. Carved sea animals and swirling shapes dazzled in the stone. The phooka walked along the wall dragging his hand lightly along the uneven surface till he reached a point where he discovered a spot in the center of the curling tail of a stone seahorse.

  Nothing happened for a moment, but then there was a grinding groan, followed by a sound that reminded Jenny of wind chimes. Spirals of stone began to turn and recede, and rather theatrically, the wall opened to reveal a wide oval portal with a glowing room beyond. It looked to Jenny like a mad scientist’s laboratory.

  “This be the magic-makin’ room.” Footbe looked back at them with a smirk of triumph.

  Jenny scoffed. “But, how would they be able to work in here? There’s no water for them to swim in!”

  Footbe pointed to the wall of glass which looked out on the lagoon floor. “That be just water held in place by magic. ‘This be full of water when they work here.”

  Jenny tried to envision it all underwater.

  Footbe entered the lab like he knew exactly where he was going. He passed below giant globes of glass connected with clear tubing, and rows of what appeared to be file cabinets of documentation which stood open as if abandoned quickly. The documents appeared to be on metal discs- like giant bronze CDs with carved data.

  Footbe passed all of that and opened a case in the wall. He grabbed a... Jenny didn’t know how to describe it other than to say it looked like a spatula that you’d ice a giant cake with.

  Jenny whispered, “You came here for a really big spatula?”

  It was a blueish green metal engraved with gold and was about two feet long. The paddle at the end flared out to about six inches wide.

  Footbe grinned.

  “What is it?” asked Jenny.

  Footbe smiled. “It’s a water-whittler!”

  “And what would ya be doin’ with it?” asked Mamy.

  “Whittle water, o’ course! Now, hurry, we needs be goin’ ‘fore the waters come in. It be on a timer and it prob’bly past time ta be goin’!”

  * * * *

  It was a good thing they high-tailed it when they did. Footbe took a brief moment to seal up the lab, but by the time they were halfway to the surface, the water was ascending the steps behind them.

  They hurried up the trail, and soon they could see their ship moored in the water nearby.

  Gibbie started down to the dinghy.

  “Gibbie, wait!” Footbe called out.

  They all waited.

  The tall phooka stood on a wide rock by himself and held the water-whittler out towards the ship. He made a long elegant downward arc with the big spatula like he was drawing a line under the boat. It reminded Jenny of something that you’d see a ballet dancer do. They were all surprised to see that whole section of water lift a little beneath the ship.

  Footbe then did another quick gesture with the water-whittler that caused both the ship and the bit of water beneath to twist ninety degrees and he performed the slow downward arc again and Jenny could see he was actually slicing through the water. He kept up turning the mass and whittling away at the water beneath the ship, till it broke free of the water below and became a floating bowl of water above the lagoon. She thought she could even see curious fish swimming about inside. The ship’s anchor swung free beneath the bowl of water.

  Not one of them had a thing to say. They were all downright flabbergasted. She couldn’t even imagine what the brownies were thinking to be suddenly flying in their own private aerial pond.

  With a small gesture, Footbe brought the ship closer to the island. Then Footbe carved out another much smaller bowl of water beneath the dinghy and drew the small boat closer to where they stood. Except for Footbe, they climbed aboard the dinghy (getting more than a little wet), while Footbe brought the large ship close enough for him to dive off the rock into the suspended water that surrounded the ship. He swam through the magical hovering water till he reached the ship’s ladder and climbed to the deck.

  Jenny thought it sure looked peculiar to see a body of water hovering a good twenty feet above the lagoon.

  Gibbie grabbed the oars for lack of a better plan and began rowing towards the ship and (for some reason that made no sense) the rowboat and its water traveled through the air a good ten feet over the surface of the ship’s water till they came to the side of the Palmer where they jumped down to the deck. They got a little wet in the process as they went through the dinghy water to do so. Gibbie brought the tie-line with him and tied the dinghy to the back of the ship where it could be towed.

  The brownie crew were all delighted by the new airborne possibilities. The water and the ship moved as one unit when the sails were dropped. The up and down movement of the entirety was governed by the strange water-whittler.

  “It be a bit of mer-magic that King Posei was working on ta get a wee bit more mobile across his domains. Somethin’ Mordette be helpin’ him with. Now, we should be able to get ta the Blue Queen’s palace a great bit more quickly, dinna ya think?”

  The Wishermans felt a glimmer of hope and the pirates haloo’d.

  But, Footbe interrupted the cheering. “But, we be needin’ one more quick stop ta do. Right close here ‘cross the water. Thar be a horr’ble weapon tha’ will be useful.”

  Chapter 44

  Food Flight

  Jack peeked out from behind the same pantry door again. After a healthy nap in the caves, and a delicious raid on the food in the pantry, Jack and the Wisherman kids picked a basket full of Reishi mushrooms and the big rescue was set for the lull after breakfast.

  The three kids had led Jack up a small tunnel which came out at the same trap door which they’d seen earlier in the corner of the pantry.

  The Rodent ended up being the chipmunk kitchen assistant that Jack had seen earlier. They met with him earlier and the critter had been apprehensive, but he agreed to add the mushrooms to Doritte’s lunch. He and the kids went to hide in the cavern till it was time.

  Till now.

  The kitchen corridor stretched out before Jack – with no sign of the chipmunk, or the cook. She should be in her office taking her “noonie nap”. But the Rodent should have been there to meet them.

  Bilbe was scouting the holding pen where the b’Trixers were kept before butchering. Jack worried that he’d be caught, but tiny Bilbe reasoned that he stood a better chance than Jack of not being seen in the kitchen corridors.

  Jack was feeling uncomfortably exposed at the moment. Dilbe had found him an apron that had been in the laund
ry hamper.

  “Ah dinna see what yer problem is, Jack. None of ‘em workin’ in the kitchen wears pants.” Dilbe whispered.

  The chipmunk size apron was about as long as a mini-skirt on Jack and did not even cover his butt.

  “I’m not a chipmunk! I’m not comfortable with my butt sticking out!” He hissed.

  Lilbe looked confused. “Ya don’t need ta be embarrassed ‘cuz it ‘ain’t fuzzy. We like ya anyways, Jack.”

  “Shhh!” hissed Dilbe.

  A very large creature just stepped out from the kitchen archway. It reminded Jack of the guard that he’d seen goo-ified by the queen. Sort of a rhino crossed with a triceratops that walked upright and had pointed buck teeth.

  “That’s the horny-blit?” asked Jack.

  “Yup, one o’ two guards fer the kitchen accordin’ ta the Rodent. They keep the b’Trixers in line.” said Lilbe. “I told ‘em ‘bout the l’il horny-blits on the menu, an’ they were real upset, but still awful scared o’ Doritte! They’re not sure they can lick her. She’s bigger and meaner than they are.”

  The thing was like eight feet tall and three feet wide. It looked up and down the corridor, and then it belched loudly and winked in their direction. It disappeared back into the kitchen.

  “That’s the sign!” said Dilbe. “Doritte’s in her room.”

  Jack exhaled. The plan was simple enough. While Doritte slept, they were going to release the doomed b’Trixers, and rush them down to the caves below – along with any other b’Trixer they could find. Maybe some of them could free the prisoners in the dungeon if the guards all joined in. And then they were going to see where that tunnel at the end of the river would take them. Hopefully someplace safe. The big horny-blits wouldn’t fit down the hole to the cavern, but if they had their kids, they could escape out through the kitchen yard.

  And in the commotion, Jack was going to sneak up to find Jenny and Finn... if they were there. And maybe the other kids? He didn’t know what was going to be possible. And they’d meet up with the escaped critters in the cavern – or maybe leave another way?

  There were a lot of shaky bits in their plan.

  Bilbe’s head appeared at the far end of the corridor, and moments later he zipped towards the pantry.

  “Ah saw ‘em! They’s still alive,” he said in a rush. “Not too far. Jes’ ‘round the corner ta the right, and then a quick left. Thar be ‘bout forty of ‘em. Two young horny-blits are in there too. They be mighty scared, Jack. Can’t see Doritte anywheres.”

  “She’s in her room. Did they know who’s got the key?” Jack whispered.

  “Doritte o’ course.” answered Bilbe.

  “You can steal it from her while she’s sleepin’!” said Lilbe.

  “Get ‘er wi’ yer magic pecker, Jack!” Dilbe excitedly pointed.

  Lilbe stepped under him to take another excited look.

  “Hey,” Jack exclaimed, clutching his apron closer around his privates as “Uh, no, I think we better hold that in reserve for emergencies.”

  The kids all looked disappointed.

  “Ya got the holdin’ bit down.” observed Bilbe.

  “That be ‘cause he gotta keep it a secret!” noted Lilbe trying to get a peek. “I love secrets!”

  “Hm. Then how’r ya gonna sneak inta her room, Jack?” murmured Bilbe.

  “Quietly?” offered Jack.

  Lilbe smiled. “The guards’ll help us if we get the fam’lies in the dungeon too.”

  “This is getting way too complicated,” sighed Jack.

  The sound of knives pierced the corridor. Doritte appeared at the end of it. She was sharpening two knives as she walked and humming a lilting air as she ambled towards the kitchen doorway. A ring of keys hung from her apron.

  “She’s not sleeping!” Jack uttered in a panic. “Hide!”

  Doritte looked at the pantry door and with ruffled feathers she charged towards the pantry. She swung open the door and stopped short.

  “Dearie me! Aren’t ya the slippery one. I be wonderin’ where ya be hidin’! I just be lookin’ fer ya.”

  The kids had scurried back into the hole to the Queen’s boudoir, but Jack couldn’t get to it in time so he spun around to meet her.

  “Hi ma’am.” Jack said with a half smile.

  “Aren’t ya the bold one, ta be stayin’ fresh in me own pantry like a bit o’ poultry.” The giant eyes and beak-like nose stared down at him. “Well, nothin’ ta be done ‘bout it I suppose. I might as well fix ya up now as later. My lunch were jes’ ter’ble. Yer jes’ the rem’dy fer that! Come ‘long. I’m feelin’ a bit peckish.”

  Her clawed hands clutched his head and dragged him along aside her. He felt like a small puppet next to her. She pulled him into the kitchen and before he knew it he was tummy down on a wooden cutting board with his feet and hands hogtied together behind him.

  Jack could see the nervous horny-blit guard on the other side of the room pretending not to watch. Jack could also see assorted uncomfortable b’Trixers around them quietly going about their kitchen duties.

  She began spraying Jack with something oily that smelled like butter. It dripped into uncomfortable places.

  Doritte laughed. “Don’t ya worry, it only smells like butter, an’ tho’ it be pretty close ta the real thing it be much healthier! Er, so they say.”

  Jack began coughing and sneezing when she sprinkled herbs and pepper over him.

  “If’n I say ‘bless ya’ now, does that count as grace ‘fore I eat ya? I hear bits and pieces from the kids from time ta time – an’ it be all so hard ta keep track. I do so want ta be cult’rally sens’tive.”

  He screamed in pain when she lifted him up by his feet and hands and onto a metal cooking sheet nearby. He could feel the fake butter still dripping off the sides of his body, between butt cheeks and his legs and he could hear it pitter-pat on the metal sheet around him.

  She surrounded him with colorful chopped vegetables, “Veggies are good fer ya! They’ll make ya nice ‘an tasty! But, no mushrooms mind ya, I hate mushrooms! Icky things nearly ruined my lunch today.”

  Doritte walked over to the oven at the end of the room and swung open the massive door. It was the biggest oven he’d ever seen and the blast of heat from it nearly singed the entire room.

  Jack was terrified as he stared into that blaze. And something smelled AWFUL!

  “I be doin’ a new thing of late,” she explained, bending over and looking Jack in the eye. “I be noticing that if I cook at high heat fer a shorter time it be a bit crisper on the outside but more tender inside. It also cuts down on the screamin’ time. Ain’t I a sweet one?” Her eyes suddenly opened wide. “AHHHHH!”

  Doritte was screaming and jumping up and down. The something that smelled awful, was now even worse! Her large, feathery, big-plumed butt was on fire! She was waving at it like a dog chasing its tail, but she couldn’t reach to put it out!

  Dilbe and Lilbe were suddenly beside Jack on the wooden counter and sawing away with kitchen knives at the ropes that hogtied him.

  “Oh my god, please get me out of here! Where’s Bilbe?” shouted Jack.

  “He be playin’ wi’ fire!” huffed a rushed Dilbe.

  Amid her screaming, Doritte suddenly saw the kids sawing at the cords binding Jack.

  “NOOO!” Doritte screamed and lunged towards them.

  But to the surprise of everyone, the giant horny-blit guard grabbed Doritte by the neck and threw her into the gaping oven and slammed and locked the door as her scream rang out behind the door.

  “I can’t believe I just done that!” muttered the horny-blit as he hyper-ventilated in front of the oven.

  “But, what about the keys to the dungeon!” shouted Jack over the screaming inside the oven.

  “Ah dinna think we should be openin’ it now,” cautioned Lilbe.
>
  Bilbe climbed up top the counter by way of a stool.

  “No worries.” Bilbe smiled and held up a ring of keys. “It be rescuin’ time.”

  The kitchen workers were too stunned and terrified to cheer. But a furry fae named Floogle who’d been standing aghast in the hallway ran into the kitchen and offered to help.

  * * * *

  Bilbe took the holding room keys and sped off to release the b’Trixers who had been on the menu. The horny-blit guards – Brendall and Broosen – thundered down the hall after him. They ran from door to door unlocking and calling the prisoners out. The horny-blit parents soon had seven little horny critters in their arms. It is funny how knowing the horny-blits’ names completely changed Jack’s perception of them. They were no longer monsters, but parents trying to rescue their children.

  Meanwhile, Lilbe and Dilbe helped push the frightened kitchen workers towards the pantry and the escape hole. Doritte’s screams had finally stopped. The kitchen started to smell like a turkey dinner was underway.

  Floogle knew the castle and with the dungeon keys, he grabbed the still quite buttery and herb covered Jack and pulled him towards the oversize steps to the dungeon.

  At the bottom of the steps, the dungeon guards tried to stop them, but Floogle explained what was happening better than Jack ever could. The dungeon guards joined them. Jack had a growing army behind his uncomfortably bare butt. He wanted to go up to find Finn and Jenny – but here he was. He’d just have to hurry.

  There were a lot of prisoners! The keys were divvied off between the rescuers. They unlocked doors as fast as they could get them open. Floogle found his wife and kids and herded them up the big steps along with the joyful crowd of freed creatures.

  Floogle’s family joined the horny-blit family and the other big prisoners as they ran through a back kitchen door, which led through a mud room and freedom outside.

  Meanwhile, Jack ran towards the last two dungeon cells. Jack fumbled with the key in the giant lock so far above him that it was hard to reach. It finally clicked and the massive door swung outward with a screech.