Olly, Olly, Oxen Frey

by Paul Manchester

  In total silence the strange being hovered over their heads. Jenny had no idea it was Jack.

  Not even Jack knew he was Jack.

  The Redduns were the first to act. They screamed obscenities and began throwing a remarkably large assortment of long pointy things at the glowing being above their heads. All of which became sunflowers as they neared their target, and then they arranged themselves into a bouquet. The bouquet flew up to the pretty boy hiding in the roots beneath the island. He remembered that the boy liked sunflowers.

  Finn hung on to the roots around him and instinctively clasped the sunflowers to his chest like he wanted to hold on to the boy that was torn from him. What had happened to Jack?

  God-Jack hovered above the gooey tribe of redduns below until they ran out of things to throw, after which they jumped up and down angrily sneezing and coughing in fury.

  “Cub od dowd, n’ fight uss!” shouted Rudolfen.

  At that, God-Jack seemed to arrive at a decision. He looked over to the floating pool of water which had once carried the small longboat. The pool began to bubble and turn golden.

  Finn thought he smelled chicken soup.

  With a gesture, God-Jack sent streams of what was now a hearty, anti-biotic infused chicken soup through the air and down into the mouths of each of the hollering redduns.

  But here God-Jack’s good intentions went awry. The redduns had been embracing their sickness for so long that there was nothing left to them but the sickness. The magical anti-biotic meal worked all too well. Once the viruses and bacteria were destroyed – there was nothing left of the redduns but a virus-free red powdery smudge on the stones.

  “Hey golden person! Help!” cried out a sobbing Jenny. “Can you help my friend?” She was cradling the dying man’s head in her small lap.

  God-Jack stared at the girl and the man. They looked familiar.

  God-Jack didn’t notice the silent glare of the Blue Queen as she decided upon her terrible wish. She would create a virus that would wipe out all life in Frey!

  * * * *

  Randy’s existence as a wish was not remotely satisfactory. He hated everything that this horrible giantess wanted. He saw the world through her eyes but he chose not to look half the time. Just too awful. He did his best to mitigate the worst of her wishes. He spoiled her aim. He made all of her wishes as energy hungry as possible so her power would drain quickly. When she tried to kill that familiar looking human, he softened the blow. He was surprised he could do that.

  Odd. The man had all of his fingers.

  But what made Randy look again was the little girl. Jenny. That was her name. He remembered her. He’d liked her.

  When the blue queen’s thoughts wished Randy to destroy the little girl and everyone else with a virus, Randy hesitated. He’d decided to grant her earlier wish even though it wasn’t spoken... as she’d really wanted it, and he wasn’t sure if he was supposed to say no... but he knew that wasn’t really how it was supposed to work.

  Of course he knew he’d have to do what she asked, but he didn’t have to do it right away, did he? He could do it tomorrow. Or maybe next week. There was no pressing need to do it right this instant...

  It was then that he realized that he wasn’t a dark wish after all! Maybe that wasn’t human blood that he’d been forced to drink! Maybe he’d never been a dark wish? Which meant he could do what he wanted to do with her wishes.

  He could see the big ugly desire for a virus that would wipe out all of Frey. He could make it. He could. Not all that difficult really. The thought sat there in front of him. Fat and pulsing and stinking like a wet turd with a beating heart.

  But what other desires were in here?

  Randy looked deeper. The challenge within Asphixia’s mind was the lack of space. Everything was so immovable. It was crowded with crumbling boulders of insecurity.

  If he was going to be stuck here, he’d have to start redecorating. That was for sure. One structure in particular was far too big for the space – a clawing, grasping longing that overwhelmed everything else.

  Randy saw an interesting choice here.

  * * * *

  God-Jack crouched next to a softly breathing Footbe and poured energy into the man. The apron had burned away to nothing during the transformation. But he was so bright that no one – not even God-Jack thought about how naked he was. He was hard to look at.

  The man was regaining consciousness.

  “WHOOSH!”

  The muted gasp behind them startled them all.

  They turned to see the Blue Queen rapidly dwindling in size. It was over in moments. There in the midst of gauzy robes, was a screaming infant Frit.

  The Blue Queen was no longer old. She was also no longer glowing, and in answer to her deepest wish, she was really, really young.

  Chapter 52

  Life Is Harsh

  Sometimes

  The knock on the bedroom door caused Not-Jack to lose focus and die in a stream of boob acid. Life is harsh sometimes.

  “Yeah?” Not-Jack hollered over the sound of the Darbie O’Thrill’s anguished screams.

  The door pushed open and the expressionless face of Not-Jenny pushed her head in. “Hey, Finn-The-Wannabe-Human, I need your help in the cellar for a minute.”

  Not-Finn looked up doubtfully. “Uh, sure. Okay.”

  Both boys started to get up.

  “Not you, Jack-Off,” she turned with disgust and walked towards the top of the stairs.

  Not-Finn rolled his eyes and stretched. “Sometimes she scares me.”

  Not-Finn’s brawler, Harry McDangle, downed two shots of whiskey as Not-Jack silently agreed and took over Not-Finn’s brawler. He listened to Not-Finn follow the scary being down the steps. Not-Jack was feeling uncomfortably guilty.

  * * * *

  Downstairs, Mr. Saunders was watching the first game of the football season, but noticed the two kids pass behind the couch and head into the kitchen. Soon he heard the banging of the screen door.

  At commercial break he looked over at Mrs Saunders, “Since when is Jenny hanging out with Finn – without Jack?”

  Mrs. Saunders was decorating a purple baseball cap with pink rhinestones. It was hard to get the hot glue gun to do just tiny little beads without all the stringy threads of glue making a mess of things.

  “Oh, Finn’s okay.” She paused in her work. “At some point we should probably talk some more about Jack. How do we want to handle his... liking boys.” Mrs. Saunders looked uncomfortably at her husband who was glued to a commercial about new blue-cheese flavored chips.

  “What? Did you say something?” Mr. Saunders looked up briefly when the commercial ended.

  “Oh, noth –”

  He stopped her. “Wait – games on!” Mr. Saunders happily immersed himself back into the safe arena of football statistics.

  * * * *

  It was only about five o’clock but the barn was already dark with shadows. The open trapdoor to the cellar was a yawning pit of blackness.

  Not-Finn followed Not-Jenny down the steps. Mr. Saunders had never gotten around to installing a switch for the cellar lights at the top of the steps.

  “What’s this about?” he asked, fumbling for the light switch on the post at the base of the steps. He didn’t know about the short wooden club she’d crafted during her hours in the barn until it slammed into the back of his head.

  And then Not-Finn knew nothing at all.

  Chapter 53

  Together Again?

  The baby frit – who moments earlier had been a foul-tempered giantess – was now sitting wide-eyed and silent amid piles of blue and lavender chiffon. The sticky netting had disappeared with her ancient skin during the transformation. Though an infant, she was still taller than Jenny.

  In this moment – in the midst of thei
r collective, stupefied silence – Jack remembered himself. He remembered it all. He remembered Jenny. He realized what he looked like. Faster than thought appeared a glamour of the old Jack – in shorts and t-shirt. He turned and smiled at his little sister.

  “Hi Jenny!”

  She gasped.

  “Jack? What happened to you?!”

  Jack reached out and hugged her. “More than you could believe! I was afraid I’d never find you.” He had tears in his eyes.

  Jenny clutched him hard and burst into tears. “I didn’t know you were here all this time! Then we found Finn!” She sniffed back sobs. She’d missed Jack.

  “I’ve got so many crazy stories to tell you!” Jack laughed.

  Jenny choked back tears and didn’t know where to start with her stories. “I’ll believe most anything! I’m a captain of a pirate ship, Jack! (sniff) And I’ve met Nixies, (sniff) and trees that talk!” Jenny was exploding with all her adventures. “And there are mermaids! Mermaids! But they don’t look like mermaids! They –”

  “Jenny,” Jack hugged her again and spoke into her ear, “I want to hear about everything, but... it’s going to have to wait.” Jack looked over at the baby frit, and at the man below them who was regaining consciousness.

  Jenny swallowed her tears and nodded. She took a deep breath and looked at Footbe. It was so strange seeing him without the goat face and fur. She’d gotten used to him looking like that. But somehow it was still him... and the new face was nice too.

  At first Jack only saw the man who’d just recently held a knife to his throat. But quickly it became clear that this man was not that person at all. There was something in the eyes. A curiosity that suggested a man who watched the world around him carefully.

  “How are you, sir?” Jack asked.

  Footbe lay between them. “Ah’m okay ah think.” He lifted his human hand and looked at it with relief. “Better than okay. Thank ya ver’ much!” Footbe sat up slowly and gathered together the loincloth that was now too big for him, giving the tie at the waist a tighter cinch so it would stay up.

  The Wisherman family stood in front of the baby frit who had once been a monster. They appraised the creature and shook their heads. The baby was enormous.

  “Wot ya think, Mamy?” said Papy. “Think she remembers any o’ it?”

  “Hard ta say, Papy.” Mamy crossed her arms quizzically and stared at the giant baby who was now giggling and watching them in return. The frit suddenly grabbed Papy up like he was a fluffy pet.

  “Get ‘way fro’ me ya foul baby!” Papy squeezed himself out of her arms and ran to a healthy distance. Mamy and the kids ran too as she crawled after them.

  Footbe sighed and battling the ache in his muscles, he stood up. “Excuse me, Ah – I think I’m the only one big enough to deal with her.”

  Footbe ran across the flagstones and grabbed the infant’s tail and pulled her back from the Wishermans – who were cowering behind some mangled topiary.

  “Did you do this?” Footbe turned to Jack.

  Jack looked sideways at the giant baby. “I don’t think it was me. It’s a bit of a blur though.”

  Footbe sighed and stared at the creature.

  “Now, just what’re we goin’ ta do wit’ you?” He murmured. She was about six foot tall, but he swaddled the baby up in some of the fabric and talked to her for a bit. She went to sleep without much preamble. It had been a long eventful day, and babies do better with naps.

  “Jack!” sounded the voice of Finn.

  Jack looked up towards the island to see Finn waving. “Jenny, I’ll be back. I gotta talk to Finn.” He gave her a smile, then he casually jumped into the air like Peter Pan and flew to where Finn waited under the floating island.

  Jenny was agog.

  “I wanna fly...”

  * * * *

  “Finn!”

  “Jack!”

  “You look like yourself again! You found some clothes!”

  “Not really.” Jack in a burst of boldness, dropped the glamour. He stood naked, golden, and glowing in front of Finn. He dimmed the glow so Finn didn’t need to shield his eyes. “It’s just an illusion. Didn’t want to flash Jenny.”

  Finn was blushing. “No, don’t want to do that,” awkwardly remembering that he briefly flashed her back at the cottage.

  Seeing Jack naked – right smack in front of him nearly took Finn’s breath away. “Damn.” Finn realized his tropical boxers were tenting but it was okay as Jack was also exhibiting a similar bit of enthusiasm.

  Jack felt vulnerable and crazy stupid but he didn’t care one bit. Their feelings were obviously mutual.

  Though now wasn’t the time for – whatever it was that they both wanted to explore. There was stuff to do.

  It was a mutual decision to change the subject of their thoughts.

  “What’s next?” Jack reclined on a root that he’d mentally sculpted into a comfortable chair. He had to confess it was kind of fantastic to just sit there naked with Finn – like it was no big deal. Like he was some sort of forest god. A character in a book. The old Jack could have never been this free.

  Jack waved his hand and a root reached out and formed a beautiful seat for Finn as well.

  Finn was a little awed at the easy display of magic. He took a seat. Seeing Jack naked was incredibly distracting.

  “That was a nifty trick.” Finn inspected the swirls and beauty of the root-craft chair that he was sitting in. He took a deep breath and thought about his step-parents. He exhaled. His blood was moving back towards his brain once again. “Well, we should create a to-do list,” Finn offered.

  A roll of parchment sparkled into existence and floated beside them in the air. Next to it appeared an old fashioned pen with an red ostrich feather.

  “Show off much?” Finn remarked.

  Jack grinned conspiratorially. “Why the heck not? We’re going to have a happy ending! Sparkles and parchment are how I’ll write a book of our adventures! We need to get Jenny and get home as soon as possible, but – ” Jack paused. “Before that there’s stuff that’s got to be figured out.”

  The feather bobbed as the pen scribbled on the parchment. Magic didn’t help Jack’s penmanship at all (magic can’t solve everything).

  Finn squirmed as he watched the pen write Home. His two monster feet whispered, Can’t wait to be locked up in a government science lab!

  But ignoring those voices, he helped Jack make a to-do list:

  1. Figure out what to do with the baby Frit.

  deliver to the frits underground?

  2. Go back to cottage to see Finn’s mom

  3. Rescue mermaids?

  4. Send rescued children back home?

  5. What to do about b’Trixers?

  6. Go home (somehow)

  Finn had to ask the obvious. “What happened to you?! What’s up with these new powers? Are they permanent?”

  Jack shrugged. “I ate a really big wish. Twice. I don’t know much more than that. Still figuring it out.” Jack stared out at the moonlit landscape of Frey below them.

  Finn pursued the line of thought, “Can you take the powers with you when you go back home?”

  “I’ve no frickin’ idea! They didn’t come with a manual!” He looked up at Finn with a start. “When WE go back home.”

  Finn gestured to his scaled legs and flipper feet. “Jack, I can’t go back! Look at me.”

  “But, sure you can.” Jack waved his hand – and just like that – Finn looked like his old self again. He was wearing the same clothes that he wore when they’d started their adventure.

  “What –” Finn felt himself. The clothing was real. His feet were back to the same size as his old feet and were wearing his old chartreuse tennis shoes. “I don’t – is this real? Will it last if you lose your powers?” Finn hesitated.


  “I don’t know?” Jack felt helpless. “Don’t you want to go home again?” Jack asked. “Our parents have to be really worried about us!”

  “Maybe your parents. But... my real parents are here.”

  “So, you’ve really found your parents? That’s all for sure true about the mermaid? And that man down there?”

  Finn nodded.

  Jack let the reality of it wash over him. “Wow, Finn. That’s great... but...” He wasn’t sure what to say.

  The glamour over Finn faded like a watercolor left out in the rain, and he was back to his fishy self.

  Jack’s clothes reappeared as well. Yet, he somehow felt more naked than he had been a moment earlier.

  This wasn’t how it was supposed to go.

  * * * *

  By the time the sun came up they were ready to leave the castle. Brendall and his partner Broosen decided to take temporary charge of the castle. The horny-blits promised to see about getting all the staff back to the homes they never thought they’d see again. Fortunately they had all recovered from Rip-One’s gas attack. Even the Rodent was found waking up in Doritte’s room where she’d smacked him senseless after finding mushrooms in her lunch.

  A couple teams of pirates combed through the castle from top to bottom looking for both unpleasant creatures and frightened b’Trixers.

  Bilbe, Dilbe, and Lilbe (along with their parents) climbed down to the caverns below the kitchen and led the still terrified animals out onto the east lawn where they joined the rest of the b’Trixers and the children who had hidden on the floating island. Jack had fixed the staircase that dropped out of the island’s roots.

  Jack (in his clothed human glamour) asked if the kids wanted to be sent home to their families but was interrupted by Papy Wisherman who hadn’t known Jack’s intentions.

  “They canna go back, Jack.” Papy said.

  Jack stared at him. “What do you mean? I already sent a bunch of kids home.”