JOYCE THE EVANGELIST’S WIFE: Oh, my, what a dreadful way to start a marriage.
BELLA: Jan had rented the bridal suite at the Roger Ware hotel, complete with heart-shaped bed and mirrors on the ceiling. He had asked Prudie to buy May a suitable negligee for the event. As the two love birds left the restaurant to head to their room, Jan squeezed May’s ass. Ouch, she cried. Jan just grinned.
The next morning, May was having coffee in the restaurant when Prudie came in and asked, ‘May I join you?’ May nodded. ‘You look like shit,’ said Prudie. ‘That good, eh?’ said May. Prudie asked how things went the previous night, hoping Jan appreciated the nightie. Tears appeared in May’s eyes. She sniffed and gave Prudie an account of the evening. She said, ‘He popped one of his little blue pills before we left the restaurant and was ready to go at it all night long. He said something about making up for lost time, don’t you think, since I insisted we wait until the wedding night to fuck. The pill didn’t kick in, so he spent a whole lot of time trying to make things work. At one point, he took a break and sat up in bed and sang, which might have been a turn-on under different circumstances. He dresses well, but his birthday suit could use some ironing, know what I mean?’ She gagged. ‘The sags and the wrinkles and …. When he finally managed to finish, he sat up in the bed and crowed like a rooster, and his neck skin shook like a deflated condom.’ She paused again. ‘When I woke up this morning, he was still sleeping. Based on his sheet tent, it looked like the pill finally started working. I sneaked out before he could wake up and go at it again. Look, I know you’re Jan’s friend. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to dump on you like this.’
(JOHN THE PASTOR and HIS WIFE have been whispering. They get up quietly and head up the aisle. The coach doors sweep them through. They must be headed to the Café Car. BELLA follows them with her eyes.)
Prudie assured May she didn’t mind, that she noticed May and Dan making googly eyes at each other the previous night. May expressed dismay that it was that obvious. Prudie said she had known Jan for decades and couldn’t say that she blamed May. May eased out of her chair, wincing. ‘Ouch. I’m a little sore.’ Prudie looked incredulous, ‘Girl, don’t tell me you were a virgin!’ May said no, but he spent a whole lot of time flapping his floppy member down there trying to get it hard enough to get in and stay in. Prudie, said ‘Ouch.’ ‘Thanks for listening, but I better get back before he comes looking for me and makes a scene, don’t you think?’ Prudie said, ‘Not a problem. I’ll lend you my ear any time.’
Meanwhile, Jan worked on arranging the wedding celebration. He consulted May at every turn and became increasingly possessive of her. If he couldn’t see her, he fretted and began asking where she was. May became afraid he might handcuff her to him. During this time, Dan kept up the exercise regimen with Jan three times a week. If Dan and May happened to pass each other, they exchanged lustful glances. Jan decided that the physical exertion of his workouts made him horny, so he started demanding that May join him in the gym after Dan left. They had sex in various places and positions, occasionally even using some of the equipment as sex aids and props.
Finally, the day of the big wedding celebration arrived. May wasn’t sure how many people ultimately were invited, but it seemed like thousands, throngs of sundry folks. Jan had rented the fairgrounds for the affair. May saw Dan around the grounds during the day. At one point, he brushed by her and slipped a note in her hand. She stopped and looked around, wondering where she might read the note without attracting attention. Then she headed straight for the row of porta-potties, locked the door, and sat down. Dan’s note read: ‘Being so close to you but not being able to be with you is killing me. Surely we can find a way to get around Jan. He likes his gym so much. Maybe I can start working with you there in an exercise routine, know what I mean?’ May read the note several times, laughing and holding it to her heart before crumpling it and dropping it down into the muck.
The next day, May told Jan that since Dan had proven such a good personal trainer for Jan, maybe Dan could help her develop a fitness routine, too. Since Jan liked to fuck so much in the gym, maybe a fitter May would be a better sex partner, don’t you think? May could use the gym for hot yoga in the mornings before Jan had his appointments with Dan. Jan initially balked at the idea. This whole marriage thing was still new to him. He was fearful and uncertain about having other men around his young, beguiling wife. He particularly didn’t want any other man working with May in his gym, especially now that he had such a robust sex life there. But he liked the idea of even better sex, and May wheedled, fussed, and pouted so that he finally gave in.
(JOYCE THE EVANGELIST’S WIFE pulls up her foot rest, puts down her crocheting again, puts on her sleep mask again, and leans her head back. Her hair still looks as if she had just left the beauty parlor.)
At first, Jan insisted on being present when Dan led May in the hot yoga practices. Prudie had noticed that Dan was now working with May in the mornings. She mentioned privately to May one day that doing hot yoga with Dan while Jan watched was better than doing nothing at all. May mused that there must be a way to distract Jan sometime when Dan was there. Prudie said, ‘Sister, you just leave it to me.’ Sure enough, the next time Dan came for hot yoga, Prudie distracted Jan. She convinced him to pose so a sculptor could create a bust of Jan to celebrate the success of his latest album, Breeding Bedstraw. Finally alone in their practice, downward facing dog had never been so uplifting. May took the butterfly pose while Dan did a plank. May took child’s pose while Dan went into a squat. Their trees shivered in the wind, and their warriors made beautiful peace together, all around their loose-fitting hot yoga clothes. Prudie convinced Jan that the sculptor could not work from a photograph, that he must sit in person for the sculptor at least once a week, which was fairly easy considering the size of Jan’s ego.
SANDRA THE SENATOR’S DAUGHTER: (giving BELLA her full attention, laughs) Hey, like, that’s my kind of yoga. (SENATOR PAM leans forward and gives SANDRA a death stare.)
One day during Jan’s sitting session, Plato happened by the gym and peered in just as May lifted her hips for bridge pose while Dan went into cat/cow pose between her knees. Stunned at what he saw, he went straight to Jan. Plato told Jan and Prudie what he saw and asked why Jan had been foolish and vain enough to marry May in the first place. Prudie defended the pair, saying that Plato must just be confused. Plato swore that his eyes did not deceive him. He implored of Jan, ‘Why are you allowing the eyes of your intellect to be so easily blinded?’ Jan confessed to Plato that one reason he wanted to marry May is he had become increasingly dependent on pharmaceuticals in order to perform sexually, and didn’t want several sex partners possibly privy to this situation. Plus, now that he was married, he was actually enjoying the married life, the dependable sex life with the sweet young pussy.
Of course, Jan didn’t want to believe Plato, so Plato arranged that next week when Dan and May had their private hot yoga session, Jan would pretend to sit for the sculptor but really spy on Dan and May. Prudie was incensed with Plato. Plato said I told you so to Prudie. Prudie said that May deserved better than Jan and that if Plato was going to expose May and Dan, that she was going to help May defend herself. The next time Dan was scheduled to work privately with May, Jan pretended to go sit for the sculptor, as planned. Jan, Plato, and Prudie stationed themselves near the window. Just as May went in to puppy pose and Dan took tree pose behind her, Jan couldn’t stand it. He rattled the door trying to get in, but Prudie had warned May to lock the door. Dan sprinted over and unlocked the door. ‘Hey, man, you’re just in time to join our practice. We were getting ready to work on some balancing poses.’
Jan said, ‘It looked like you were balancing something but not a yoga pose! You need to keep your hands off my wife, guy. These hot yoga sessions end now. No more.’ Prudie broke in, ‘Jan, it was just the angle from the window. Let me show you. You and May get in the same pose. Dan, Plato, and I will look in.’ So May and Jan took their
pose while the other three left the room. Outside, Prudie growled at Plato, ‘If you rat out Dan and May, you’ll be sleeping in the downward facing dog house for the rest of your life, mister.’ Plato sighed. His loyalty to Jan went only so far. Truly, from the angle at the window, it did look like Jan and May were having sex. The three came back in the room as Jan was warming up to the position. Dan said, ‘Dude, it did look just like you and May were copulating or conjugating, or whatever the word is.’ Jan, distracted by the sudden turn of events, bemoaned the fact that he didn’t have any of his magic pills at hand.
May asked if Dan could keep on helping her with her hot yoga. She took Jan’s hand and put it on her belly. ‘You know, we may have a reason to adjust our yoga routine,’ she said. Jan became moon-eyed. ‘Really?’ May nodded and allowed herself a real smile. So Dan and May’s hot yoga routine continued. Over the next few years, May gave birth to three sons, who all had reddish hair, wide-set eyes, and Greek noses, but Jan was too old, too blind, and too vain to care or notice. And so that’s my tale of some tail. Some men just don’t know how to treat a lady. (BELLA casts her eyes accusingly down at HECTOR.)
“Actually, I wouldn’t describe any of the women in your tale as ‘ladies,’” I say.
“That’s not my point,” responds Bella.
“What is your point, then? Why are you picking on Hector?”
“Who says I’m picking on Hector? It’s just that some men evidently don’t know a good thing when they see it. Or maybe, they just need a little pharmaceutical help. Maybe that’s it.” Bella glowers at Hector.
Sandra stands, “Hey Hector, I’m thirsty. Let’s go to the bar car and get a soda—or something.” Hector stands and follows Sandra up the aisle, edging past Bella. When Bella moves towards the door to follow them, Sean the Deacon blocks her way.
Ernest the Businessman stands up, “Bella, your story reminds me of one I heard in my job. Business deals can get pretty interesting and complicated. Sit down and let me tell it to you, darlin’.”
Theresa says, “That’s a great idea, Ernest. Bella, why don’t you go back to your seat while Ernest starts his story?” Bella continues to glower, training a laser gaze on Sandra’s back as Hector follows her out of the car. Bella edges sideways towards her seat and drops into it as the doors close behind Hector and Sandra.
Ernest
THE BUSINESSMAN’S TALE
ERNEST: In my line of work, I’m always looking for a deal—you know, buy low, sell high, right?
RENE/E THE TRANSGENDER WOMAN: (innocently) You mean you smoke cheap dope while making deals?
DMITRI THE HACKER: (snickers) Hey, I get this one. (ERNEST looks at RENE/E a moment before deciding to ignore her.)
ERNEST: So, my story involves a married couple. Felicia and Peter met in college in Dallas, where she was a clothing merchandising major and he a landscape architecture major. They joked that really they were interested in similar businesses—she used yards of fabric to dress people while he helped people to dress yards. As graduation neared, they decided to get married, pool their resources. In the process, they debated what kind of business plan they wanted for their marriage, right? Felicia felt her career should be more important because she had more earning potential, more intangible assets. Peter felt his career should be more important because he had greater physical assets. She said that unless he intended on seducing housewives, his physical assets were less valuable than her intangible assets, although he had a very nice ass. In order to smooth over this potential liability in their marital business plan, they decided that they would invest the majority of their assets in whoever got a good job offer first. Since they lived in one of those suburbs of Dallas, Felicia had no problem getting a job as a buyer in a clothing boutique, so Felicia became the primary breadwinner.
BELLA: (emerging somewhat from her pout) What’s so special about Dallas?
JACK THE IMMIGRANT MERCHANT: That’s where the big Dallas Market Center is located. If you’re in the retail business—buying or selling—you go there. (He goes back to reading his Business English text.)
ERNEST: Landscapers can find work anywhere, not necessarily good jobs, and Peter found work at a local nursery, but he felt his potential as a landscape artist was being squandered, right? He didn’t want just to plant Chinese Pistachio trees in yards or talk with homeowners about the benefits of esperanzas as opposed to salvias or devious but environmentally-friendly ways to kill varmints. He was a landscape artist, and he wanted to make yard art. Felicia wanted badly to own her own shop, though, not just buy for someone else’s shop. They scrimped and saved with the understanding that once Felicia succeeded in the retail clothing business, Peter could pursue his dream of landscape design more fully, right? Felicia played the game, worked long hours. Finally, she caught the eye of a woman who owned a specialty lingerie shop in Flower Mound, Texas. The woman was hoping to retire in the next few years. Felicia’s work ethic impressed her, so she started grooming Felicia to take over her shop.
As part of their marital strategic plan, Felicia and Peter had hired a financial advisor, Frank, early in their marriage. Frank came highly recommended. His client base was spread over eastern Texas and western Louisiana, so he traveled frequently to check in on his clients. Through their business dealings, Felicia and Peter became friendly enough with Frank that when he visited, he stayed in their guest room. Sometimes, he dropped by when he was in town just to socialize. One afternoon, Frank was in town and decided to drop by on the spur of the moment. It had been a dreary, rainy day, and he needed to pee. Plus, he thought he might finagle a glass of wine to brighten the gray day, right? When no one answered his knock, he found the spare key in the pocket of the yard gnome and let himself in. He yelled hello and began walking through the house.
Peter came into the living room dressed in a knee-length floral knit skirt—the side slit showed part of his thigh—a red, silk camisole with ruffles around the neckline, and matching ballerina flats with roses on the toes. Frank took in the sight and said, ‘Felicia, I thought you would be at work. Oh, wait, Peter?’ Peter, looking quite taken aback but laughing at Frank’s bogus confusion, said ‘Wow. Busted. I didn’t hear you come in or I would’ve thrown on a robe.’ Frank said no worries but asked what was the deal.
(BLANCHE THE LAWYER and FRANKLIN THE REAL ESTATE MAGNATE cease their canoodling and pay attention to ERNEST’S tale.)
Peter explained that Felicia had been so obsessed with buying that damn shop that between landscaping jobs he’d spent more time than he’d like alone. He said, ‘I used to have to cross-dress on the sly, so the trade-off has been I can more easily lounge around the house without the fear of getting caught in exchange for the lack of marital partnership.’ Frank gave Peter an appraising look and noted that clearly his friend was making lemonade out of those lemons. Peter went on, ‘Now I know what it must feel like to be a housewife. When Felicia won our deal to fast-track her career over mine, I never thought it would be this hard. Usually, she comes home at night grumpy. She thinks I really don’t do much all day but I do, even in the off season.’ Frank winked at Peter. ‘Felicia knows how tiring it can be for a man to co-ordinate women’s clothing. Oh, but wait. She doesn’t.’
‘But seriously,’ said Peter, ‘Sure, my work tends to be seasonal. Even so, I’m ready for conversation when she gets home, but she just wants to have a drink, eat supper, watch the news, and go to sleep.’ Frank commented, ‘Sounds like your marriage is going bankrupt. Do I need to start developing a financial exit strategy for you?’ Peter said no, but Felicia had been such a cold fish lately. He didn’t get married so he could have an affair with Anita Hand, so to speak. Frank assured his friend that his secret was safe with him. ‘Speaking of finances, though,’ began Peter, ‘I’ve had my eye on this gorgeous, silky bra and thong set with a matching cover-up, but I haven’t been able to put aside enough mad money to buy it without having to answer to Felicia. As my financial advisor, any suggestions?’ Frank said, ‘Let me thi
nk about it and get back to you. I’ll see what I can arrange.’
(The train slows as it passes through a small town. The streetlights flicker through the coach like a disco ball at a strip club.)
The next week, during Frank’s regularly scheduled visit, he got Felicia off to the side. ‘I hate to ask you this,’ he started, ‘But on the way here, I stopped by this funky antique shop. I saw this really tacky beige ceramic cat with dots all over that I absolutely fell in love with. Someone else is looking at it, too, so I put a deposit on it. But to get the best deal, I need to pay cash and I’m a little short of cash-on-hand this visit. Could you lend me a few bucks? I’ll pay you back next time.’ Felicia agreed readily.
The next week, while Felicia was off in Dallas for a few days on business, Frank visited Peter, right? Over a glass of wine in the living room, Frank drew out his wallet and handed Peter the money he had asked for. Peter’s eyes lit up. ‘Oh how can I ever pay you back?’ sighed Peter. Frank pulled a chiffon scarf from his back pocket and looped it around Peter’s neck. He drew the scarf back and forth before pulling Peter to him and kissing him. They decided to finish their wine in the bedroom, where the scarf was quite useful connecting wrists to bed posts, tickling various body parts, and in many other creative ways. At one point, Peter donned his garter belt. A good time was had all night long.
The Graceland Tales Page 13