Heart of Mine

by Lindsay Bergman

  A stony-faced Alexander had listened as I’d explained about the three guys I’d dated in Montana. Two were casual relationships that had only lasted a few dates. The third was one year ago with a ranch-hand named Jackson. It had lasted the summer. He’d made me smile and laugh, and for once I was able to push aside the heartache and longing for my prince across the sea. For that one summer, I was able to be a normal teenage girl, with a crush on a boy who was actually within reach. But the summer had ended. When I couldn’t give Jackson the commitment he wanted, we had broken up. I hadn’t dated anyone since.

  When it was Alexander’s turn to explain about his twenty ex-girlfriends, he insisted vehemently that it’d been casual dating only. No commitments, no relationships. He listed off the names of each girl he’d dated, wanting to make sure I wouldn’t be blind-sided again when I undoubtedly ran into one of them during another royal engagement.

  When I asked about Emma Rousseau, he became defensive and not as forth-coming as he’d been about the others. It was then that I knew his feelings for her went deeper than I probably wanted to know.

  But I couldn’t let it go.

  “If we’re going to get married then I want to know about your relationship with Emma,” I said, watching him pace. “I don’t want there to be any secrets between us, Alexander. I want complete honesty.”

  Alexander paused and turned his intense gaze on me. “Even if you won’t like what I have to say?”

  I swallowed dryly and felt my body tremble with sudden nerves. “Yes,” I answered, though I knew it lacked the conviction I’d hoped for.

  He held my gaze for a long moment, his expression fierce and reluctant, then he slowly approached and took a seat in the armchair across from me. I could feel the distance separating us like a gaping ravine.

  “I first met Emma four years ago at a dinner with some members of Parliament and their families. Last fall, we reconnected at a party in the palace and started dating. She was the only serious relationship I had. It lasted four months.”

  My fingers twisted nervously in my lap as I forced out the words through stiff lips. “Do you love her?”

  He looked up at me, our eyes meeting across the distance. “No, dolcezza ... at least, not in the way you’re thinking.”

  Well, I had asked him for complete honesty. I stood abruptly, feeling restless, and turned my back to him. Unable to meet his eyes, unwilling to see his love for Emma in those dark blue depths. “What other way is there?”

  I heard Alexander stand and felt his hands on my arms, both comforting and restraining. “Maddy ...” His voice trailed off.

  My teeth ground together. “What, Alex? Can’t think of a way to explain why you’re in love with another woman?” My emotions were a whirlwind inside me. I spun around to face him, barely registering his dark scowl. “If you love her, then why aren’t you together? Why are you with me?”

  “Because I don’t love her that way. She’s just a friend.” His hands clenched and unclenched at his sides. By the tightness of his jaw I could tell that he was struggling to control his temper.

  I knew better than to bait him, but I was too upset to see reason. “You wouldn’t have hesitated to tell me about her if she was just a friend, Alexander.” I jerked away from him and braced my hands on hips. “If you didn’t love her you would have just said so, instead of hedging around the truth. Just admit it. You’re in love with her.”

  “Yes, I love her!” Alexander glared morosely at me. “Is that what you wanted to hear? I do love Emma, but just as a friend. It’s platonic—like how you feel about Ethan.”

  “Don’t bring Ethan into this,” I snarled, narrowing my eyes at him. “You have always been jealous of him and this is just your way of getting back at me for it.”

  “Of course I’m jealous of Ethan!” Alexander fumed, his jaw tightening angrily. “The way you look at him sometimes—it makes me want to break his neck. For years I’ve had to watch you together, wondering when you would fall for him. Do you think I don’t know he’s the better choice? You don’t have to make any sacrifices to be with Ethan, like you do with me. I know you have feelings for him, Madison. Can you look me in the eye and deny that you love him?”

  I tilted my chin up defiantly. “Yes, I do love him, Alexander. Is that what you wanted to hear?” His expression darkened, but I ignored the storm brewing in his blue eyes and demanded, “Well ... since we’ve both admitted to loving someone else, what now?” I tugged the diamond ring off my finger and held it out to him. “Should I give you back your ring so you can run off and marry Emma?”

  Alexander stalked toward me, his expression livid. “I don’t want to marry Emma, I want to marry you!” He grabbed my hand, shoved the ring back into place and glowered down at me. “Although only God knows why I’d want to be with such a strong-willed, frustrating, stubborn girl!” His temper snapped as he yanked me into his arms and crushed his lips against mine, his hard kiss desperate and angry. He released me as quickly as he’d drawn me in and let out a harsh breath. “You’re driving me crazy, Madison.”

  “Well, you’re not exactly making me sane right now either, Alexander,” I muttered, dragging a hand through my hair. Looking away from him, I waited for the sharp edge of our mutual anger to subside before speaking again. “She’s beautiful, Alex ... and she has a title. You’d have everything if you chose her.”

  If Alexander married Lady Emma, he could still become king.

  By the look on his face, I knew he understood what I was implying. His eyes narrowed. “Madison—”

  “I saw the way you looked at her, Alex. There was a spark. She’s the perfect choice for you and I don’t understand why—”

  “Because she’s not you!” Alexander exploded, piercing me with his intense blue eyes. He stared at me for several heartbeats before gentling his tone to say, “She’s not you. Emma is titled and beautiful and yes, I loved her as a friend. But what I felt for her was nothing compared to how I feel about you. I’ve never been in love with anyone, but you.”

  My heart thumped unsteadily inside my chest as I stared up at him and fought to get my emotions under control. I searched his eyes, as if the answers I sought could be found in his face. “I don’t know what to think. If you’re not in love with Emma, then why didn’t you tell me about her sooner?”

  Alexander reached for my hand and skimmed his thumb over my fingers in a tender caress. “I was afraid of how you’d react.” He smiled wryly, though his expression was still tense. “You have a jealous streak as bad as mine. If you knew, I was afraid you’d want to go back to Montana ... and I couldn’t stand the thought of losing you again.” He examined the diamond on my hand, then lowered his head to kiss the skin just below it. He slowly straightened to look directly into my eyes. “Do you know what it’s like to live without a heart? You are my heart, dolcezza. Without you, I’m empty.”

  At a loss for words, I was grateful when he didn’t press for an immediate answer but simply waited with his gaze fixed intently on my face, watching for any sign of forgiveness.

  Now that my mind wasn’t clouded by outrage, I could understand why he hadn’t told me about Emma ... especially since it was the same reason I hadn’t told him about Jackson. We were both jealous. I hated thinking of him with anyone else and was selfish enough to want his whole heart to belong to me, and me alone. I didn’t want to share him with anyone ... not even a memory. But we couldn’t take back the three years we’d already lost, or the relationships we’d each had during that time apart. All we could do now was to move past it and trust in the strength of our love.

  With my mind finally made up, I closed the distance between us and whispered, “Yes, I know what it’s like to live without my heart. It’s been yours for a long time, and I’m trusting you to keep it safe. Let’s forget everything that happened while we were apart and move on with our life together.”

  Alexander smiled and snaked an arm around my waist. “Consider it forgotten, dolcezza.” He brought me
snug against his chest and murmured seductively into my ear, “Now let me show you how much I love you, and only you.”

  When he gathered me close, his touch was filled with warmth and promises, his hold tender, and as we kissed his heart called out to mine. Melting into him with a kiss of my own, my heart answered the call of his.

  I’m yours, it promised. Forever.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Wind whipped the hair around my face. I impatiently brushed it away from my eyes in order to enjoy the breathtaking view before me. Sitting astride my horse on the edge of a cliff overlooking the shimmering sea, I felt as if I were hovering at the edge of the world. The expanse of sea before me was endless. The distant silhouette of gulls dipped down from the sky to touch the water’s surface, the sounds of their cries echoing faintly on the breeze.

  It was so peaceful. A little too peaceful.

  Seeking a distraction from the events of the morning, I had taken Spirit out to my favorite spot behind the palace. The narrow trail that crept along the cliffs was challenging and dangerous, requiring caution—but today I was feeling reckless.

  Pressing with my knees, I urged the buckskin stallion forward and laughed delightedly as we raced fearlessly down the steep incline. The speed and adrenaline helped to banish the thoughts from my head. I gladly let the thrill of the ride consume me. Closed in on one side by the jagged stone face of a cliff, the other side perilously plunged down fifty feet into the swirling blue sea and sharp white rocks. As we reached the bottom, my heart thundered excitedly within my chest and the sound of the sea roared in my ears.

  Alexander would kill me if he knew how reckless I was being. But I needed the escape from duty and obligation, if only for an hour.

  At Alexander’s request, I had accompanied the prince to another royal engagement this morning, where I’d felt out of place among the elite of Coradova yet again and struggled to endure their obnoxious disapproval. I had nearly lost my temper before Alexander rescued me from a group of particularly malicious young women. All were single, beautiful and rich ladies of the aristocracy, who just so happened to have dated His Royal Highness when I was in America, and their bitter envy had been cruelly directed at me. I’d tried not to let my own jealousy get to me, but my pride could only withstand so much. I was just about to tell them off when the prince had appeared, saving them from my indignant fury. Chagrined, I had silently scolded myself to remember that a princess always maintained her control and dignity, and forced a smile onto my face for the remainder of the event.

  Spirit veered to the right, picking up speed as the trail leveled out, startling the birds out of the nearby trees as we sped by at a full gallop. Rounding a curve, the sight of the stables came into view. We raced onward through the wild grass of the outer pasture. I eased Spirit into a trot once we reached the crisscrossing lines of the various paddocks, and drew him to a stop beside the groom waiting patiently in front of the barn.

  I fondly patted Spirit’s neck, slick with sweat from our ride, and smoothly slid out of the saddle with a laugh.

  “Pleasant ride, mademoiselle?” The older groom with the weathered face asked, reaching for the reins. Marius had worked as a groom in the palace stables for over thirty years. He lived on the palace grounds with his wife, Charlotte. In his early fifties, Marius was one of the most experienced grooms, with capable hands and a gentle touch.

  “It was exhilarating,” I answered with a wide smile. I was feeling refreshed and hopeful that the remainder of the day wouldn’t be as bad as the morning.

  We spent the next hour cooling down. I walked Spirit around a white fenced paddock before leading him into his stall for a good brushing. Marius appeared with an extra brush, and together we worked in companionable silence. In the peaceful quiet of the stables, interrupted occasionally by the neigh or whinny of one of the horses, my mind began to wander.

  The opening ceremony event we’d attended had been my fourth official public appearance since our engagement, and it had yet to get any easier. By now, it was clear that most of Coradova was unhappy with Prince Alexander’s decision to marry an American commoner. After the unsuccessful outing this morning, I was beginning to doubt myself, unsure if I would ever be able to meet their expectations. Not to mention, I was sick of running into the bitter, broken-hearted ladies of the prince’s personal fan club.

  I snorted in irritation, and Marius glanced at me curiously.

  “I’m sorry,” I murmured. “Just ignore me.” He smiled softly and resumed his brushing ... while I resumed my personal pity party.

  I still couldn’t believe Alexander had dated nearly twenty noblewomen in my absence—even though he’d explained that only a few of them had lasted past the first date. Well, what did I expect when the man was drop-dead gorgeous and could charm the socks off any girl within a fifty-mile radius?

  Pausing with the brush, I ran my hand along the stallion’s strong neck, admiring the combination of power and beauty, and sighed softly. I hated feeling so inadequate and overwhelmed. I was disconnected from myself, lost in a tangled web of royalty. I knew I was the complete opposite of what a princess was expected to be. I lacked the proper manners, temperament and education, not to mention the fact that I didn’t hold a title. For the first time, I felt as if the reasoning behind the marriage law wasn’t unfounded. It took a lifetime to learn how to be a proper princess. The noblewomen of Coradova had been born and raised to fulfill that role. I couldn’t deny that I was in way over my head by comparison.

  “There you are, dolcezza.”

  Startled, I whirled around to see Alexander standing outside Spirit’s stall.

  “I’ve been searching all over the palace for you. I should have known right away that I’d find you out here.” He smiled as he approached, his eyes fixed on my face.

  “I needed some fresh air, so I took Spirit out to the cliffs.” I smiled brightly, hoping he wouldn’t be able to read the thoughts of despair that twisted through my heart. I didn’t want him to know how badly I was failing at being a princess. For the most part, we’d been able to get back on track despite everything that had happened with Emma Rousseau. Now I was afraid to throw another wrench into our relationship.

  Alexander’s gaze turned to the groom as Marius stepped around the stallion’s head and bowed to his prince. “Good afternoon, Your Highness.”

  “Hello, Marius,” Alexander greeted him with a smile. “Please tell me that Maddy wasn’t riding him bareback again.” He shot me a smirk as he stroked Spirit’s smooth neck with a large, gentle hand. I shook my head in exasperation.

  “No, sir.” Marius smiled, no doubt recalling the day I had broken my collarbone after being thrown off the stallion’s back. “She used a saddle, and rode with perfect technique and an abundance of confidence.”

  “And raced him full speed along the cliffs without a single moment of concern for her own safety, no doubt.” Alexander shot me a meaningful look, the corner of his mouth tilting up wryly. I blushed with guilt and focused my attention on brushing Spirit’s leg.

  Marius coughed. “I’ll give you some privacy, Your Highness.”

  “Thank you, Marius.”

  Traitor, I thought, peeking up in time to see the groom bow. His eyes, filled with humor, met mine briefly as he straightened then retreated from the stall. I could feel Alexander’s eyes on my face, but I refused to look at him.

  “Were you able to outrun your demons?” he asked after a quiet moment.

  I sighed, and continued to brush the thick coat. I should have known Alexander would understand my need to escape from the confines of royal protocol and duty. Whenever he felt too strangled by the pressures of his royal obligations, Alexander would pursue one of his personal interests as a temporary distraction, whether it was fencing or racing down the road in a sports car.

  “For the time being,” I answered. I just hoped he wouldn’t realize my demons were also caused by my failure to be a good princess.

  Alexander’s hand slipp
ed under my elbow, turning me around to face him, but I kept my eyes lowered out of shame.

  “I’m sorry if you’re feeling caged in, dolcezza,” he murmured quietly, reaching to take the brush from my hand. “I know this is a difficult adjustment.” He set it down on the edge of the stall, then slowly drew me closer. His hand cupped my chin and gently tilted my face up, his compassionate blue eyes meeting mine. “Let me help you, cuore mio. Please don’t think you need to do this on your own. I know you’re strong and brave,” he said, as his thumb softly caressed my bottom lip. “But one of the benefits of being in a relationship is knowing that you’re not alone—”

  “I thought kissing was the best part of being in a relationship,” I teased, recalling our conversation from three years ago.

  Alexander grinned seductively. “Trust me, kissing you is definitely the best part.” He winked, then the playfulness in his voice grew serious. “Do you trust me to help you through this?”

  “Yes, of course I do,” I answered without hesitation. My heart filled with resolve as I determined to share with him all of my concerns. Growing up, I had always been able to count on Alexander for support and a shoulder to cry on. Now, I needed to trust that he wouldn’t walk away from me at the first sign of trouble. “We’re in this together.”

  A satisfied smile spread across his face. “Yes, we are. And now, I’ll show you the best part about being in a relationship.” As his eyes warmed, he leaned down for a kiss, but I braced my hands on his chest to stop him. “What’s wrong?” he asked, frowning.

  I blushed, feeling embarrassed. “I smell like horses.”

  Alexander smiled in amusement and chuckled as he pulled me closer despite my protests. He pressed his nose into my hair and inhaled deeply, letting out a dramatic sigh. “You smell earthy, like horses and roses. You smell like Maddy.”

  “Doesn’t it bother you?” I probed, plucking at his shirt sleeve. I was feeling self-conscious and worried that he would think of me as the farm girl Marie often ridiculed.