“Kyle?”
Noelle?
I opened my eyes and sat up to see Noelle staring at me. She had a soft smile on her face, and her eyes were dark. Not mad or anything, just emotionless. Her hair was in braids, and she was just wearing a sweatshirt with very short shorts. I refused to look past her chin, though. She walked closer to me, her braids bouncing with each step she took.
“Noelle? What happened?”
She put down a tray of food that I didn’t realize she was holding until then. She sat down on the bed, a few inches away from my feet. The covers were a dark purple with a thick, black outline at the head and foot of the bed, with the pillows matching them. The frame was dark oak, with a small headboard. The rest of the room matched with purple curtains over the windows and a wooden dresser. The room was barely lit, with one lamp on the other side of the room standing on the dresser.
After admiring the very vampire-like room, I turned back to Noelle, who was just staring at me. Her eyes were soft, but something was hiding behind them. She wasn’t smiling because she was happy.
She’s smiling because she feels like she must.
For me.
“Noelle.” I spoke again, lowering my voice. I pushed the food out of the way. The buttered croissant with a fruit salad didn’t seem that appetizing to me. I knew something happened to me last night. After I saw Nick. I could still taste metallic in the back of my throat.
“I was walking home last night—”
“Why were you walking home alone last night?” I interrupted, standing up. I pushed the covers out of my way and stood on the carpet floors, which were dark colored, coordinating with the theme. “That’s beyond dangerous, Noelle! Especially with the whole Nick thing going on!”
She stared at me, her little eyes beaming up at me. I watched as her face grew a tint of pink before she looked away. “I was with a friend; she and her brother were walking me home. Then I saw you fall, and her brother helped me carry you to my house. There was blood in front of you, but I couldn’t figure out where you were bleeding.” She stood up and walked to the other side of the bed, almost pacing back and forth. “I was going to bring you to your house, but when I called, no one answered, and I wasn’t just going to leave you. I left a voicemail telling them that you are okay and that you were staying at my house.”
I started to feel dizzy again, thinking it was just because I got up too fast. “Did they call back?” She shook her head. “Well, thank you.” I looked around and noticed my coat sitting on a chair. The chair had a violet-and-pink pattern to it, traced with dark oak.
This is like a witch’s room.
“And, um…” I started, coming up with a lie for the blood. “There was an animal that was hit by a car. A bunny. I guess it was fine and jumped away.”
I reached for my coat and started to shrug it on. A groan came from Noelle as she sat on the bed, facing the wall with her back to me. I waited for her to say something for a few seconds, and when she didn’t, I knew something was up.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, sitting on the bed beside her.
“Nothing’s wrong, Kyle!” She scoffed at me. “You just don’t care about anything!”
She stood up and stomped across the room, sitting in that ugly chair where my coat had been I stood up, my eyes following her. I glared at her from the other side of the room, taken aback by what she said. She crossed her leg and folded her arms.
Dramatic.
“What?” I barked. She jumped at my tone, I’m assuming. Her eyes flickered with bitterness, and her face turned paler. I thought she was about to vomit. I so badly just wanted her to be quiet. I wanted to cover her mouth with my hand until she stopped breathing.
Wait.
The thought entered my mind before I had a chance to even think about it. I’d never wanted to hurt Noelle before. I pushed it away, stomping around the room. I tried to forget about it. Which I did. I was really good at lying, even if it was to myself.
“Nothing, Kyle, I—”
“Noelle!” I yelled. “Just tell me what the hell is wrong!”
I had never used a loud tone with her, and I felt bad that I did. But I had so many things running through my head, making me irritable. I just wanted to leave, and Noelle was making it impossible. She snapped up at me, her nose twitching like a dog.
“I asked if you could hang out with me yesterday, and you blew me off. I practically saved you last night, and you barely thanked me. You were getting ready to just leave! Why are you ignoring me?” With each word, she stepped closer and closer to me. I didn’t move from my position. I stood there at the foot of the bed with her only two feet away from me.
“I am not ignoring you, Noelle.” I stepped forward cautiously. I knew Noelle was fragile, and I didn’t want to set her off.
She stepped forward. “Then why? Why are you about to leave?”
Her eyes brimmed with tears for a quick second. She brought her sleeve up to her face and wiped them away. I didn’t realize that she was so hurt by me going to see Marie.
“I don’t know.” I breathed. She moved a couple of steps toward me. Her face was right by my chest. I was always taller than her. She was looking up at me, though. Her eyes gazing into mine. I gulped, pushing my gut, telling me to back away, down into the depths of my soul. I had a feeling she did the same. From her eyes shifting to mine, then to my lips, and back up.
I felt the heat of her breath on my face. She twitched her hand, and it grazed mine. Our fingers interlocked, connecting our bodies. I looked back at her perfect skin. Faint scars sat on the edges of her forehead, but I didn’t care. This was the only time I had ever been close enough to her to see them. My attention shifted back to look into her eyes. She never seemed to have left my gaze.
“Noelle?” I asked, holding tightly to whatever was between us. She hummed as a response. “What’s happening?”
She stepped closer to me. Her eyes had specks of gold in them as her nose nudged mine. Inches apart.
No.
She felt me back away. She knew I disconnected from her as her eyes shifted to a different emotion. Her eyes looked like they were going to fill with tears again, and I knew I had to leave. I turned when her hand caught my wrist. It was weak, but I didn’t want to push her away too forcefully.
“No,” I whispered. She let go of me, her hands reaching for her face so I wouldn’t see the tears streaming down her red cheeks. I grabbed my coat and thanked her again. My feet traveled around the room as quickly as I could. I opened the door, the handle hitting the wall. I stood in the doorway, replaying what happened in my mind. I turned back to see her standing in the same spot. Covering her face with the sleeves of her hoodie.
“Noelle,” I said. She looked at me. Her face was red and her eyes watery. I wished I could take it all back. The yelling, the arguing, and even whatever moment just happened.
“It’s not good timing.”
She nodded, trying to smile. “I know.”
~
When I left Noelle’s house, it was still pretty early in the morning. The sun was rising, but it was safe enough for me to go home. The sound of birds chirping made me feel like I was in a cartoon. No one was on the roads. There were no cars or any pedestrians. I thought about what happened at Noelle’s house. I was wondering why she didn’t push any questions. Maybe she was planning to but got distracted with our fight. I was glad Noelle didn’t ask why I fainted or who the boy was in front of me.
Did she even see the boy?
Was he real?
Flashes of what he looked like came to mind. He seemed familiar to me, but I couldn’t put a name to the face.
Was it Nick?
My memory had decreased since I started taking the medication. I thought that since I stopped taking it, I would be better.
I unlocked the doors to my house, and everything was dull. I didn’t hear any music from the basement, and I noticed that Mom’s and Dad’s work bags were still home. I looked into the kitchen to se
e Mom, covering her head with her arms and Dad rubbing her back.
What happened?
Dad’s head snapped up at me, without another second more, he started glaring. Mom must’ve felt his movements because she looked at me. Once she realized he was looking at me, she turned her head. She gasped, sliding the chair that she was sitting in back and running toward me. As she got closer, I could see the streaks of tears down her face and the dark circles under her eyes. She ran up to me and wrapped her arms around my back.
“Kyle!” she bellowed, moving back to see my face. “Where were you?” Dad stood up, coming over to me. I couldn’t tell whether he was going to kill me or hug me. He did neither and just stood there with his arms crossed.
“I was with Noelle. I thought she called.” Mom shook her head and then burrowed her head into my neck. I could hear her faint sobs. She muffled them with her wrist, trying to hide the fact that she was scared she lost me. I hugged her a little harder.
The familiar feeling of guilt entered my stomach. After losing Max and what happened with Nick not that long ago, I should’ve known better. I kept forgetting that people didn’t know the same things as me. People didn’t know what I saw.
“You should be ashamed of yourself, Kyle,” Dad scolded. “Your mother and I were worried sick. With all the Nick stuff, we thought you would be more careful. We don’t know what happened to that kid, and we don’t want the same fate for you.”
Dad tried to seem threatening, but his voice had the same fear about it as Mom’s. I hadn’t heard it in his voice in a long time, but it was very present. It almost scared me for how noticeable it was. Dad was never the type to show emotion. He was incredibly good at hiding his feelings.
It’s almost as if he wants me to know he was scared.
“I’m sorry,” I replied. “I was feeling dizzy, and I thought if I stopped at Noelle’s and just stayed there for a bit before heading home, I would feel better. Noelle said she called you and left a voicemail, and I didn’t think I would end up falling asleep.”
Mom stayed where she was, crying into my shoulder. Dad nodded and patted me on the back. He never cries, except for when someone dies. I could tell I had him shaken up, though, because I saw him sigh before he turned around and headed back into the kitchen. Mom let out a shaky breath, heat rising in the spot she breathed on.
“Kyle, if you ever pull something like that again,” Mom warned, stepping back from the hug.
“I won’t!” I promised her. She wiped her face and told me to go change and get ready for the day. She gave me one last hug before going to Dad in the kitchen.
Climbing the stairs felt like a workout. Each step made something more present to me. Each thought became louder to me. Practically yelling in my ear. Making my head spin. When I reached the top of the stairs, my stomach seemed to have thrown itself against my body. It felt like a wave of stabbing pains just hit me at once. Bile rose in my throat, bringing the taste of metal with it.
What the hell?
I couldn’t figure out what was scarier. The pain that made me feel like I was dying, the taste of vomit and blood sitting in the back of my throat, or the fact that it all seemed so familiar.
My feet pounded against the floor as I raced to my bathroom. The door slammed open when I pushed it, and I was worried my parents might have heard it. I stared into the mirror. My face looked like a ghost’s. Dark circles under my eyes were the first thing to notice. Then it would’ve been my pale skin. The scar across my cheek was faint but still there. I gently brushed over it, the rough edges scratching my fingers. My clothes were dirty. Dried blood was sitting on them in a stripe as if I threw up onto them.
Is this real?
Or the mirror?
I felt something push its way into my mouth. I toppled over the toilet seat and started heaving into the bowl. Sitting on my knees, letting it all out. Once the feeling subsided, I leaned back and cleaned my face. I checked the toilet bowl to see what I puked. It was a thick red liquid. Dark red, though, really dark. Almost purple. I peeked closer inside to see clots of it bunched up throughout the toilet bowl. Then, I realized what it was.
It was blood.
I threw up blood.
11
Day Seventeen
Three days since I threw up blood. Seventeen days since I spilled it. Five days since I found out Nick is still alive.
Could be alive.
He could be alive.
There hadn’t been any word on him since the forest. Everyone was still looking. Luke and I haven’t because we were told we need to go through a full psychological evaluation before going out again. Since I was in a mental ward, they wouldn’t even let me get the evaluation until my therapist gave the okay. Considering I didn’t have a therapist, that was never going to happen. Luke promised me he wouldn’t do it without me, though. I think that’s more for his sake.
Not much had happened at school. No one talked about anything. Some of the teachers had come up to Luke and me to apologize, and it made me want to punch them across the face. Noelle and I have been ignoring each other. She will wave, but that’s it. Yesterday was the first time she said anything to me since Tuesday. I was with Luke by my locker. He was talking about another dumb protest.
“Kyle, can we talk?” She cut Luke off, but I don’t think she cared all that much. I nodded and told Luke I would let him finish his rant about global warming later. She led me to a hallway with fewer people and looked at me.
“I want to apologize about the other day,” she announced. I went to speak, but she waved me off. “Wait, let me finish. It was out of line, and I’m still dating Nick, so it was really wrong of me to do that. It shouldn’t have gotten that far. I don’t have any rights to you or your friendship, so I apologize.”
Her eyes batted up to mine, waiting for a response. A couple of kids that passed us stared and started snickering. I let out a huff.
“Noelle, it’s fine. I’m in the wrong too,” I admitted, looking around the hallway, getting an uneasy feeling. “But nothing happened. We were just yelling, and things got heated.” Her eyes widened at that word. “Not heated!” I stuttered. “But you know what I mean.”
A smile grew on her face. “Yes, I do. Friends?” She held her hand out for me to shake.
“Friends.” I grabbed it.
Nick’s missing but alive. I could feel it. There was no way that he died. He must be confused or lost. He’s not gone.
Not yet.
Walking around the house alone was the worst. Shadows followed me wherever I went. It wasn’t a shadow you could literally see, but more of a feeling. All my emotions were in this tiny bottle, waiting for the perfect moment to explode. Which didn’t happen.
On Friday after school, I got a voicemail from Marie. My thoughts ran around, trying to figure out why she called me. Or more, how she called me.
“Come get me, loser!” she demanded when I listened to it. “I’m getting out of this hell hole!”
I was walking down the street on my way home when I got the message. Mom told me to come straight home to talk about her new work schedule; otherwise, I would’ve gone to Luke’s house. He invited me over three times that week, and I never had the energy to go. I started to feel bad every time I blew him off because he would do those stupid puppy eyes at me, making my guilt pile up.
Idiot.
I called Marie back, and she answered immediately.
“Holy crap!” I responded. “Are you serious?” I switched my phone to my other ear; cars were passing through on my right, so I couldn’t listen as well.
“Um, yes! Now, are you going to come and get me or not?” she asked. I heard some shuffling around, and I assumed she was rushing to pack her bags. She wanted to leave that place and never look back.
I groaned. “I can’t. My mom wants me to stop at home to talk about her work schedule. I think she is going to be home more often.”
Marie understood after calling me a few names. Then she suggested that we
met up at a cafe in two hours. I told her that was girly. She replied by telling me to suck it up and to become more secure with my masculinity.
When I got home, Mom just told me about how she was going to be at the hospital more that week, but it would go back to normal soon. It was the opposite of what I said, but it didn’t bother me that much. Dad would still be home or Henry. Even though Henry stayed in his basement, it would make me feel better knowing he was there. After Mom and I talked, I told her about Marie wanting to meet up, and she told me I could. After waiting around the house, boring conversations with Mom about surgery, and trying not to think about anything, it was time to go to the cafe.
The walk wasn’t so bad, only ten minutes from my house. Marie was waiting for me when I walked through the cafe doors. The smell of burnt sugar in my nose. I heard a chair scraping as someone stood up. I turned to see Marie jumping up.
“I’m finally out of the psych ward!” she bellowed. Heads turned in her direction, but she kept her smile on. It spread across her face, reaching both of her ears. She clasped her hands together and pushed a chair back with her foot for me to sit in. My eyes rolled to the back of my head as I sat down.
“It’s kind of weird seeing you out of the hospital,” I admitted, placing my phone down on the table. She sat down and agreed with me.
“Right? It’s kind of weird for me too. But it’s not that different. They still have me seeing the same doctors, like a lot.”
Believing Lies Page 10