#CassiNova

by Lori G. Matthews

  Jade’s eyes widened with interest and she swayed to the side to get a better look at the line. “Who?”

  “Long blond hair, red shirt.”

  Jade scratched an imaginary itch on her top lip. “I’m sensing a pattern here. Got a thing for blondes, do we?”

  Alex moved her lips close to Jade’s ear as the woman in red approached. “I don’t remember her name.”

  “Hi, Alex. Wow, I can’t believe you wrote a book,” the woman said.

  “Thank you so much for buying it.”

  “Who are we making it out to?” Jade’s voice was sweet and innocent.

  “Karen. Alex knows me.”

  “Of course she does. I was just asking.” Jade smiled at her suggestively.

  When Karen moved off, there was a lull in the line. Alex murmured into Jade’s ear, “Freaking genius, you.”

  “That’s my job. I will always have your back. And if it means flirting with every woman to get their name, so be it. And if she hits on me later, I expect you to have my back.”

  “I will, girl.” Alex glanced at the front door. “Oh boy.”

  Jade panicked. “Another one?”

  Alex pressed her lips together in a straight line.

  “Jesus Christ. Is there anyone you haven’t slept with?”

  “Besides you?”

  “I guess plastering your poster all over the gayborhood wasn’t such a bright idea.”

  “I don’t know. They’re all buying books.”

  After an hour of signing, Alex flexed her hand and wiggled her fingers. Books were flying off the shelf. Nobody could have anticipated this kind of response. She couldn’t wait to share it with Sam.

  Jade checked the line before the next patron approached. Her face went slack. “Oh my fucking God.”

  “What?” Alex asked, right before the next customer in line handed Alex his book.

  Jade coughed and covered her mouth. “Tweedledee and Tweedledum are in line.”

  Alex nodded thanks to the man in front of her and passed his signed book across the table to him. When the gentleman walked off, Alex sat back and pretended to stretch, an arm shielding her mouth. “Who?”

  Jade nodded in the direction of the two “men” in line.

  Alex spotted them and did a double take. “Oh my fucking God is right.”

  It was Sam and Emma. In drag.

  Jade hissed her annoyance. “This is what happens when those two morons spend too much time together.”

  Alex giggled at the sight.

  Sam had a big, bushy, blond mustache stuck to her upper lip, and some sort of awful wig, like a pompadour. She wore old jeans and a denim jacket over a Tractor Supply Company T-shirt. A pair of heavy-duty work boots completed the outfit.

  Emma sported a black goatee and big black sideburns, Ray-Bans, black jeans, black biker boots, a long-sleeved white shirt, and a leather vest. She also wore a Harley-Davidson baseball hat with a ponytail sprouting from the back.

  They approached the cashier and bought books.

  “Shit, they’re almost here,” Alex whispered, horrified. “It’s like the Village People gone bad.”

  “More like the Village Rednecks.”

  The pair made their way to the table. “Hey, little lady,” the blonde drawled.

  “Aaand, they’re southern,” Jade said.

  “My name is Carl, and this here is Othello, and we think you are just the cutest.” Carl sat on the table, leering at Alex.

  Alex stared stupidly, trying not to laugh.

  “Here now, how about you give us an aut-o-graph.” Othello pushed both books toward her.

  Alex put her head down and signed Carl’s book, chewing on her lip to stifle the laughter. She scrawled, “Carl, I’d totally switch sides for you. Call me, Alex.”

  Carl handed his phone to Jade. “Now, little lady, would you mind taking a picture?”

  Carl ambled around the table and jerked Alex to her feet for a photo op.

  Alex jumped as Othello slapped her ass. She jumped again as Carl’s hand wandered dangerously close to the zipper on her pants.

  “Well, you’re all jittery like a filly, now, aren’t you?” Carl crooned. “You need to be broke in, is what I’m thinking.” Now it was Carl’s turn to slap her ass.

  Alex tried so hard not to laugh, but it was a losing battle.

  Jade stood to take the photo, muttering under her breath. After she snapped the picture, Othello made his way back around the table.

  Jade’s eyes bugged out when she looked down at his bulging crotch. “Whatcha got there, partner? Is that a banana in your pants, or are you happy to see me?”

  “You like it, honey? ’Cause I might be happy to see you.” Othello licked his lips.

  “Actually, no, I’m incredibly nauseated.” Jade grabbed Othello by the arm, escorting him away from the table. “Now don’t you knock anything over with that thing.”

  Carl gave one last wink to Alex. “Thank you, lovely lady. I’ll be sure to get started on this book right quick. Or maybe I could interest you in some bedtime storytellin’.”

  “Maybe you should give me a call later, handsome,” Alex replied.

  “Don’t mind if I do.” Carl gave a short wave and hustled to join Jade and Othello.

  * * *

  Carl put an arm around Jade when he caught up to them. “Thank you for your hospitality, pretty lady.”

  “Please shut up,” Jade said. To her ears, their southern drawls were like nails down a chalkboard. She led them to the back stockroom, away from the crowd. “What are you two freak boxes doing?”

  Both girls guffawed.

  “You should have seen your face!” Emma grabbed her sides, howling.

  Sam caught her breath from the belly laughs. “Did you shit a brick? ’Cause it looked like you shit a literal brick. And, we’re going to the bar, is what we’re doing.”

  “In that?” Jade asked, pointing to their outfits.

  “Why not? It’s perfect. Nobody will recognize us.”

  Jade shook her head and closed her eyes.

  “C’mon, it’s pretty funny,” Sam said. “Right, little lady?” She put an arm around Jade and bumped a hip into her.

  “Just be careful. And E, what is in your pants?”

  Emma clutched at her crotch. “This happens to be the prosthetic penis from Boogie Nights. Logan knew a guy and asked if we could borrow it.”

  Sam threw her shoulders back, a haughty look on her face. “It has a name.”

  Jade’s lip curled in disgust. “You’re kidding.”

  Emma shook her head. “Nope. It’s called Big Daddy. Impressive, huh?”

  “It looks like a watermelon.”

  Emma playfully thrust her hips back and forth. “I think it’s kinda sexy.”

  “It looks like it was designed for Andre the Giant. You know you’re only five-four, right? That thing is taller than you.” Jade glanced down at Sam’s pants. “And where’s yours?”

  “It’s there.”

  “Where?”

  “Here.” Sam grabbed at her zipper.

  Jade peered at Sam’s crotch. Nothing remotely resembling a sexy bulge was visible. “What’s in there, a peanut?”

  “No! It’s tube socks.”

  “With or without the stripe?”

  “With, of course.”

  “What color?”

  “Orange.”

  Jade turned her attention back to Emma and shook her head in disgust.

  Emma waved a hand dismissively. “Nobody will even notice.” She thrust her hips back and forth again.

  Jade was sure Big Daddy would be attracting all the wrong attention. “Whatever you do, keep it away from me.”

  “I wanna see Alex. Can’t she come back here?” Sam asked.

  “She’s busy. We’ll see you at the bar. Now go, before you scare all the gays and lesbians away.”

  “How do you know we’re not gay?” Emma asked. “Maybe we’re gay men.”

  “No self-respe
cting gay man would be caught dead in those outfits. Unless it was Halloween. Now take Big Daddy and get the hell out of here. Go, go.” Jade shooed them away.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Sam spotted Sophia at the bar talking to Monette as soon as they walked in. She swaggered over and plopped herself down on the stool next to her.

  “Why, hello, beautiful lady,” she said in her southern male drawl.

  Sophia barely glanced at her. “Hi. I’m sorry, I’m busy right now.” Sophia frowned at Monette.

  Monette stared with narrowed eyes and was rewarded with a quick smile. She continued staring and finally recognized Sam. “Holy shit.” She cackled. “What are you drinking, my good man?”

  “Beer for me, and whatever this lovely lady wants.”

  Sophia turned toward Sam with annoyance. “I’m sorry, but I’m married.” When she turned back, Monette giggled. “What’s so funny?”

  Sam snorted. Sophia clearly did not get the joke.

  Sam offered a hand. “I’m Carl, ma’am, pleasure to meet you.”

  Sophia gazed into Carl’s eyes and finally recognized Sam. “Oh my God!” she shrieked, dissolving into a fit of laughter. “What are you doing here? I thought you were forbidden to come.”

  “Well, I wasn’t gonna miss this. So we raided the props room at work.”

  “We?”

  Sam pointed at Emma, who sat on the other side of Sophia. “Meet Othello.”

  Sophia turned to the attractive, shortish man sitting next to her.

  “How you doin’?” Emma’s eyebrows danced up and down as she did her best Joey from Friends impersonation.

  Sophia cackled again. “You two are nuts.”

  From across the room, Lenna spotted them and stormed over to tap Sam on the shoulder. “May I help you? Babe, are these two bothering you?”

  “Honey, calm down.” She reached for Lenna’s arm to pull her close. “It’s Sam and Emma.”

  Lenna pulled back and peered at Sam. “Holy fuck. I almost threw you down for hitting on my woman!” Lenna gave her the once-over. “Nice digs. You look like you fell off a backhoe.”

  Sam snickered and hugged her. “I’ll take that as a compliment.”

  Next Lenna motioned to Emma. “Come here, you.” As Emma stood to say hello, Lenna’s eyes landed on her crotch. “Jesus, what do you got in there?” She seized a handful of prosthesis. “We have some gay men here tonight, so you might wanna keep your back against the wall, if you know what I mean.” She shook Emma’s fake junk. “Nice goatee, by the way. You look kinda sexy.”

  Emma blushed. “Thanks.”

  “Where’s Alex?” Lenna asked.

  “She’s not here yet,” Sam said. “Still signing books.”

  “Did she see you?”

  “Oh yeah.”

  “Did she piss her pants?”

  Sam blew out a disappointed breath. “I don’t know. I haven’t had a chance to talk to her. Jade tossed us out.”

  “You two are crazy.” Lenna ordered a beer from Monette.

  Emma came over to Sam and whispered, “I have to pee.”

  “What?” Sam pulled back. “Now?”

  Emma nodded.

  Sam put her hands on her hips. “Well, I guess you’ll have to use the men’s room.”

  “You have to come with me,” Emma begged. “I can’t go alone.”

  Sam took stock of the clientele at the bar. It was a mixed crowd tonight, both gay and straight, women and men. “Okay, let’s go.”

  Both made their way to the restrooms. When they stood in front of the men’s door, Sam asked, “Ready?”

  Emma took a deep breath and nodded.

  When they walked in it was deserted, and they both breathed a sigh of relief. There were two stalls and four urinals.

  A nervous Emma latched onto Sam. “Come in with me.”

  “Oh Jesus. Okay.” Sam locked the stall door and turned around to give Emma some privacy. As she stood minding her own business, she heard a soft whoosh. “What was that?”

  “I didn’t hear anything.”

  “I think someone’s here,” Sam whispered. As she strained to listen, there was a splash behind her.

  “Oh shit,” Emma mumbled.

  “What?” Sam whispered.

  “My dick fell in the toilet.”

  Sam’s voice rose in disgust. “Oh gross.”

  “Darn it, now it’s gonna be wet,” Emma said, her voice echoing around the restroom.

  Sam huffed. “Well, just pull it out.”

  “No. That’s disgusting.”

  “Just pull it out, for God’s sake. Then we’ll dry it off and put it back in.”

  A snicker and a soft cough came from the other side of the door.

  Sam froze. Slipping back into her alter ego, she asked, “Ah, is someone in here?”

  Anonymous feet shuffled out the door.

  Sam cupped a hand over her open mouth. “Oh my God. Someone was in here.”

  Emma was too busy staring at Big Daddy in the bottom of the bowl to care about other occupants in the men’s room. “Why isn’t it floating? It sunk like a battleship.”

  “Did you pee yet?”

  “No.”

  Sam’s toes tapped impatiently. “Okay, then the water’s clean. So just pull it out.”

  “This is so gross. I can’t believe my hand is in a toilet.” Emma fished around the bowl, snatched the offending member, and threw it on the ground with a resounding splat.

  “Go pee so we can get out of here.” As Sam finished the sentence, the door opened, and two men came in, chatting away.

  Emma flushed the toilet and hiked up her pants.

  They both stared at the wet dong on the floor, which seemed to be growing right before their eyes.

  Emma mouthed to Sam, “What am I gonna do?”

  Sam mouthed, “Put it back,” and pantomimed shoving it into her jeans.

  Emma’s lip curled in disgust. “It’s wet,” she whined in a girly voice, forgetting all about the company on the other side of the door.

  Sam flinched, putting a finger to her lips and gesturing toward the men outside the stall.

  Emma slapped a hand over her mouth. “Sorry,” she mouthed.

  Sam pulled some toilet paper off the roll, figuring she’d wrap Big Daddy to dry him off. Another guy came in, and all three began conversing.

  Sam tried to shove the swaddled donger back into Emma’s pants, but Emma would have none of it and pushed her hand away, knocking the wrapped woody back onto the ground.

  They both gaped in horror as the toilet paper unwrapped and the fake penis rolled under the stall door, leaving a wet trail of water behind as it slowly made its way over to the sinks.

  Emma peered under the stall door to see where Big Daddy’s journey ended. She lifted her head, mouthing, “Oops.”

  The conversation on the other side of the door paused.

  Sam and Emma stood stock still in the stall, praying the men would leave.

  Suddenly the fake member rolled back under the door, coming to a rest at Emma’s feet. “Ah…thanks,” Emma said in her Othello voice.

  Sam’s mouth formed a large “O” as she slapped at Emma. “Shut up,” she mouthed.

  Emma shrugged.

  It remained quiet on the other side of the stall door. Finally, the door opened and the men left.

  Sam sagged with relief. “Thank God. Now put it back in, and let’s get the hell out of here.”

  “It’s soaked. It’s like one of those squeegees on TV, you know, on the QVC. It sucked up all the water.”

  “C’mon. We’ll wrap it in paper towels.”

  “Maybe you should pee too, so we don’t have to come back.”

  “Good idea.” Peeling her pants down, Sam went to the bathroom, making sure to keep a firm grip on the tube socks. Cotton would be a lot more absorbent than Big Daddy.

  After flushing, they both vacated the stall and washed their hands.

  Emma grabbed some paper towels a
nd wrapped the donger. She inserted it back inside her pants and thrust her hips forward. “Does it look okay?” A piece of paper towel stuck out between the zipper.

  Sam stood back to take it all in. “You gotta a little Something About Mary going on there. Fix it.”

  Emma readjusted things. “How about now?” A wet spot materialized on the outside of Emma’s zipper.

  Sam stared at the Battle of the Bulge, which now appeared ridiculously large and wet. Everybody in the county would see it. “It’s fine. No one will even notice. Let’s go.”

  As they walked out of the bathroom, two men were coming in. One gazed down at Emma’s crotch, then at her face, and gave a knowing wink. She winked back, and as she walked behind Sam, she made a show of thrusting her hips back and forth, like she’d just gotten lucky. She received a nod of appreciation from the winker and the other guy slipped his phone number into her pocket.

  They found a table to stand at while they waited for Alex and Jade to show. “Do you want another beer?” Sam asked.

  “Yeah sure.”

  When Sam got back to the table, she found Emma with two scantily clad women. One already had an arm around her. “Why, hey, what do we have here?”

  Emma smiled. “This here is Candi, and this is Montana.”

  “Howdy, ladies.” Sam offered a hand to each.

  Candi pressed herself suggestively against Emma, ogling her fake junk.

  Jade and Alex walked through the door at that moment, much to Sam’s relief. She wanted to go greet them but didn’t want to abandon Emma.

  The music slowed down, and Candi squealed, “I love this song!” She tugged Emma onto the dance floor.

  Sam chuckled at Emma’s dilemma, but the amusement didn’t last long as Montana grasped her hand and yanked her toward the newly minted couple.

  * * *

  Jade and Alex made their way over to the bar and joined Sophia and Lenna. “Anybody see two poorly dressed, shortish, gay-looking men come in?” Jade asked.

  Lenna nodded in the direction of the dance floor. “Those the gentlemen in question?”

  Emma and Sam were getting their groove on with a couple of cute women. “Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Jade said.

  Alex laughed.

  Sam looked beseechingly over, begging for rescue, and Alex waved back.

  “If E’s not careful, she’s gonna be the next one to get her cherry popped.” Jade glanced at Emma’s zipper and her mouth dropped open. “Is there a wet spot on the front of her jeans?” she asked no one in particular.