Bane (Angel's Rebellion MC: #7)

by Jeneveir Evans

  Listening to her felt like she was looking into my mind and pulling all the pain, all the agony, up front and center.

  People had no idea. I know I had it good compared to so many others growing up. I know my mom loves me, I know this. I didn’t lack for much, but the one thing I did was the one thing that caused my demon to torment me endlessly.

  I’d wanted a dad so bad that at times that was all I could think about. If I couldn’t have that, I’d wanted information about him. I’d begged and pleaded with Mom to tell me and she wouldn’t. I’d get so mad at her for refusing to tell me anything. I only knew one thing. He was a biker. That didn’t do shit for me.

  I don’t know why I focused on this so much. I tried, God, how I tried not to think about it. To let it go. As I got older, the demon started talking more, if I had thought the torment was bad before, it had become almost unbearable now.

  More of Brenna’s words floated through my brain.

  “All my life I wondered what was wrong with me. Why I wasn’t good enough to keep? What was there about me that made me unlovable?”

  Those things had creeped through my mind as well. I had wondered if there was something wrong with me, if I wasn’t good enough, if I was unlovable to him? There had to be some reason he wasn’t in my life. The demon whispered it had to be me, I believed him, why wouldn’t I? My dad wasn’t in the picture, my mom wouldn’t tell me anything so there had to be a reason. I felt Mom was protecting me from something, maybe that was it.

  Brenna said a child couldn’t understand not being wanted or loved. It wasn’t just a child, I still felt that way as an adult. I felt hurt, unwanted, unlovable. Even Kenzie didn’t want me as much as she wanted Eagle.

  The pain of my feelings felt like it was crushing my soul. I swear at times I could feel another little piece tear off and in the background the demon would laugh.

  ~*~

  Eagle

  September 25th, 1998

  Once again, I had to stay after Church for another announcement from one of my Brothers. Slade had claimed Brenna as his Old Lady. It was a bittersweet moment for me. If things had gone like I wanted, I’d have already claimed Kenzie as my Old Lady. Now I’m not sure if I ever would claim a woman, at least not anytime in the near future.

  I watched as Slade officially asked Brenna to be his Old Lady and she seemed so happy to accept. Next, he gave her the ‘Property of Slade’ cut, after which they danced. This brought that knife back out and another jagged tear ripped through my heart. I wasn’t sure if this damn hurt and pain was ever going to go away.

  In some ways, I was doing better, in others, I hadn’t made any progress at all. I still missed that I never had my chance with Kenzie. It ate at me because I know we would have been good together. I could feel that deep in my soul.

  A brief glance showed me that Kenzie wasn’t with Bane tonight either. I know I should feel bad as again the thought ran through my mind that maybe she had dumped his ass. I’m pretty sure that labeled me as an unfeeling bastard, yet I really didn’t care if it did. I wanted him to feel some of what I was feeling.

  I shrugged it off when a quick tug hit my conscience. While I wasn’t the type of man to wish any ill will on another person, I couldn’t find it in me to care if Bane was hurting right now. I wasn’t sure if I ever would be able to forgive him.

  Another quick look showed that once again, none of the Brothers were even remotely trying to talk to Bane. Usually other Brothers would stop by to chat with him yet, now that I think about it, I hadn’t seen any of them doing that in a long time.

  I gazed over at the table and saw that Bane wasn’t being his boisterous self. He was acting more like I normally do, only he wasn’t even trying to act interested in what was going on. While I might be quiet, I did stay engaged in the things that were going on around me. I would comment here and there when I had something I wanted to say.

  All Bane was doing was drinking and staring at his bottle of beer. If she left his ass maybe he was now starting to realize how the fuck I feel. Oh wait, he couldn’t. I hadn’t stabbed him in the back like he had me. I frowned when once again, I felt a little pull on my conscience. It was telling me I wasn’t an uncaring man. I mentally fought with that thought. I didn’t want to feel anything for Bane other than what I had been feeling for months.

  ~*~

  Bane

  October 2nd, 1998

  I should have been happy when three weeks ago Kenzie told me we were over. I should have been shouting for joy and fucking every woman in sight, but I wasn’t. Instead, I found myself wondering what the fuck was wrong with me.

  ‘Oh yeah, don’t forget asshole that you single handedly destroyed the best parts of your life,’ my thoughts spewed out. ‘You lost Eagle, you lost Kenzie, and now your Brothers are giving you the cold shoulder.’

  The ache over losing Eagle went deep. I know the fates had to be laughing their asses off at me. They had to be nodding in agreement that I was getting what I deserved.

  They would be wrong, I deserved a whole lot more. It was eating at me daily. If much more of my soul died, there wouldn’t be anything left.

  Eagle wouldn’t even sit at our table anymore. I had run him off from his friends. I had pushed him away from the companionship of the Brothers that were his closest buddies. I briefly thought that maybe I needed to move because the looks I were getting were hostile, yet I wasn’t sure it wouldn’t be like that anywhere I sat. Everyone now had heard some version of what had gone down and I was the bastard who was in the wrong. They all got that right anyway.

  I knew why I was missing Eagle so bad, yet I didn’t have a fucking clue why I was missing Kenzie. It’s not like I wanted her in my life permanently. My heart clenched as that thought ran through my brain. My eyes widened in disbelief. Holy fuck. I missed her. I mean I really missed Kenzie. She had a way about her that drew a man in and made him want to be with her all the time. I’d noticed it, just hadn’t realized it had been slowly working on me.

  I had sent her text after text with no reply. I’d called over and over with no answer. Acid burned deep in my gut, I had to make this right, because fuck me, I wanted her in my life. As thought after thought burned through my mind like a wildfire, the L word kept creeping in and out insidiously. I scoffed to myself, there was no way I loved her.

  I had promised myself a long time ago I wouldn’t let myself fall in love with a woman or take a woman as my own and there sure as hell was no way I’d ever claim a woman at the table.

  I had no idea what a true relationship looked like or how one worked. Mom never brought a man home with her. My younger sister Leigh and I hadn’t ever been around father figures when we were young other than my Grandpa, Uncle KJ and Uncle Keith. I hadn’t ever spent enough time at their houses to know how a man and woman interacted in a committed relationship with each other.

  I barely had a clue about how a dad treated his kids. What I did know I’d observed through watching Uncle Keith with Eagle. He’d always been proud of Eagle and made sure he knew it too. I’d even heard Uncle Keith tell Eagle when we were younger that he loved him and was proud of the man Eagle was becoming.

  I’d never had that. I didn’t know how it felt to have a dad tell me he loved me and that he was proud of me. Other than my Grandpa, I’d never had a father figure hug me and really Grandpa’s didn’t count because he was only giving me hugs when Mom carried Leigh and me to my grandparents’ house for a visit.

  The times I had watched Uncle Keith hug Eagle had felt like a white-hot poker searing my heart. God, how I had wanted a hug like that badly. I never received one.

  The older I got, I was starting to realize that not knowing about my dad was beginning to eat me alive. Had Mom told him and he didn’t want us? There were so many questions I desperately wanted answers for. There was no way I was dumping this mental anguish on Mom. Something pretty bad had to have happened for her to keep him away from us completely.

  Mom had done a damn good job rai
sing Leigh and me. She’d bestowed heaps of love on us. That was what had me reeling. I wasn’t unloved so I couldn’t figure out where all these damn feelings of loss over a dad was coming from. I’d give anything if I was like Leigh. She really didn’t care that we’d never known anything about who our father was.

  I hadn’t been able to have her outlook and each year the not knowing was getting worse. The thought of needing to know kept dragging me into a deep dark place. A place that was so embittered and forbidding that it was trying to take my sanity from me.

  Since I had fucked up my relationship with Eagle, I decided I didn’t want another fucked up relationship. I was going to do whatever I could to get Kenzie back. It didn’t matter if she never felt for me what I was beginning to realize I felt for her.

  I’d been laying on my bed after Church thinking about all this shit, trying to get up enough energy to take a shower and go downstairs. With thoughts of Kenzie bouncing around in my brain, I found the willpower to get my ass in the shower and out to my bike. I was going to go talk to Kenzie. If it took me dropping to my knees and begging to get her back, then my damn knees would be on the fucking floor.

  ~*~

  Kenzie

  I heard a knock on my door but had no desire to answer it. I had sunk so far down to the bottom of a barrel that I didn’t think there was any way of clawing myself out. I ached to see Eagle’s face again. It felt like I was in hell. I was. A hell of my own making. My heart wept from the agony of it all, yet I had no one to blame but myself.

  I could have put the blame all on Bane, only that wasn’t completely fair of me to do. While he started it all, I was the one who hadn’t chosen Eagle as soon as he asked. That was on me and only me.

  The knocking on my door turned to pounding. I groaned then pulled my ass up off the couch and managed to drag my body to the door. I opened it not really caring who was outside. I was getting rid of whoever it was as soon as possible. My eyes widened when I saw Bane standing on my doorstep.

  “What do you want, Bane?” I asked peevishly. I had no desire to talk to him.

  “Can we talk, Kenzie? Please?”

  Hearing his rough tone of voice made me really look at him. He looked like death warmed over. Huh, we were a match in that regard.

  “There’s really nothing to talk about,” I muttered.

  “Kenzie, please let me in. I want to talk to you.” The aching tone in his voice actually seemed genuine.

  With a sigh, I opened the door wide, stepped back, and let him in. As soon as he was through the door, I shut it and turned around going directly to the couch to flop back down on it. He walked behind me and sat down half a cushion away from me.

  “So talk,” I snapped.

  “I want to apologize for my behavior the other night. I should have been paying more attention to you. When you wanted to leave, I should have gotten up and left with you.”

  I raised my eyebrows in shock. Damn, he sounded sincere.

  “Kenz, I don’t want us to be over. I miss you like crazy.”

  “Bullshit,” I popped back. “I just bet you have. How many of your club girls have you fucked in the last three weeks? Tell me that.”

  He grimaced then sighed.

  “I slept with a couple girls that night you left but haven’t been with anyone else since then. I swear to you I haven’t.”

  He stared me in the face and I studied his eyes trying to tell if he was lying or not.

  “I’ll be truthful with you…”

  I cut him off, “You wouldn’t know how to be truthful even if it bit you on the ass.”

  He let out a deep breath and ran his hands through his long hair. He really did have beautiful hair, I thought as my eyes followed the movement of his hands.

  “I deserve that. I do. That night you left, I thought if that’s the way you wanted to be then good riddance. The next morning I realized that I really miss you and, as the days have gone by, it’s been to the point that I ache from it.”

  “You never planned to have any type of relationship with me, admit it.”

  “You’re right, Kenz, I didn’t. Then the more time we spent together I started getting to know you, the real you and, Kenz, I really like the real you.”

  I let his words mull around in my brain. I don’t know why, there was no way I was giving him another chance, not that we really had anything anyway.

  “Kenz, I miss seeing your face, miss seeing your smile, miss talking to you, miss holding you at night, and I miss making love to you.”

  “Bane, you were never really all there with me when we had fucked. We didn’t make love, we had sex. You know I’m right too.”

  He inhaled a breath and let it out.

  “You’re right, Kenz. I didn’t give you all of me. I held back. I hadn’t planned on anything serious at all.”

  He tugged on his hair and groaned.

  “Kenz, please give me another chance. Give me the chance to give all of me to you. I don’t want to lose you, Kenzie. The past three weeks have shown me that I want and need you in my life.”

  “I don’t know if I can, Bane,” I uttered huskily.

  I could tell he was being genuine, but I didn’t know if I could ever have feelings as deeply for him as it seemed he was developing for me. I felt like I’d given my heart to Eagle that night on the dance floor and I was afraid I’d never got it back. Honestly, I didn’t know if I wanted it back either.

  “What would it take for you to give me another chance, Kenz? Tell me and I’ll do it. Just please, baby, give me a fucking chance.”

  My heart throbbed at his plea. I could tell he was serious, that he really was hurting and wanted me back. I’d already decided however that I’d just be alone forever. I really didn’t think I’d ever get over not having the chance to be with Eagle.

  “Tell me why you lied about Eagle only wanting me for one night. Tell me why you said he only wanted one thing, a quick fuck. You tell me that and I’ll think about taking you back.”

  “Christ,” he muttered as he got up from the couch and started pacing. “I don’t know why, Kenz. I honestly don’t. I’ve run that night over and over in my head trying to figure out where my thoughts were and I still don’t have a clue. I just know that for some reason I felt threatened by you.”

  “Threatened by me how?”

  “I don’t know, dammit.”

  “Yes, you do. Tell me, Bane.”

  “I told you, I don’t know.”

  “Tell me god dammit. Tell me why you took my chance at Eagle away from me. Tell me,” I screamed at him.

  He turned to me and shouted, “I was fucking afraid you were going to take him away from me.”

  His eyes widened at his words. He dropped to his knees as the shock of hearing what he said hit him.

  “Oh, Christ. What did I do?” he moaned. “I was so damn jealous you would come between us and take him away from me. I was scared I’d lose my best friend because of you. That he’d only want to spend time with you and I would be pushed away.”

  He shook his head as tears started running down his face.

  “Only you didn’t end up making me lose him, I fucking did that with my own actions. Oh fuck. Oh fuck,” he cried out, then sobs shook his body.

  I sat and listened to this man bawl like a child because he had been afraid that I was going to steal his best friend from him. He had reacted without thinking of what the consequences might end up being and, in the end, it wasn’t me that made him lose his friend. He made that happen himself.

  I got up from the couch, walked over to him and knelt down, wrapping my arms around him.

  “Shh,” I murmured as I rocked him back and forth. “Shh, Bane. It’ll be okay.”

  “No, it won’t, Kenz. It won’t. I’ve lost my best friend. The friend who stood by me since before we could talk. The friend who beat the shit out of bullies harassing me. The friend who never asked for anything in return. I’m lost without him. God, it hurts so bad.”

  W
e sat on the floor for what felt like hours as he cried. I never realized how hard it was to watch and hear a grown man cry. It was heartbreaking and devastating. His words had been those of a child who was scared he would have the one thing that was his taken away from him. There was more to this story than I believe he even realized.

  I now had my answer. I didn’t like it, in fact, I hated it. Still, a part of me understood why he had done it. Sadly, he hadn’t taken into account how badly Eagle would react to what he did that night. In the end, he had caused the one thing he had feared. He had lost Eagle.

  Finally, Bane quieted down.

  “I’m sorry, Kenzie. I not only ruined things for me with Eagle. I ruined them for you too. I know there’s no way you can forgive me. If I could fix it, I would. I’m truly sorry,” he spoke quietly.

  I drew in a breath. I knew I had no chance with Eagle any longer. I had destroyed that when I hadn’t picked him over Bane that night. Now I had to decide if I wanted to spend the rest of my life alone, hoping that one day maybe I might come across another man who made me feel even a half of what Eagle did. Or if I wanted to give Bane a chance, at least then I wouldn’t be alone. I’d have someone around to keep me from falling into a pit of despair. If I was being brutally honest with myself, I had to admit that a small part of me had missed Bane.

  I had to be upfront with Bane. I had to give him the choice to either take a woman who might never love him or to walk away.

  I stood up and held out my hand to him. He took it and I tugged on his helping him up. Keeping his hand in mine, I walked back to the couch and sat down, he followed suit.

  “I need you to listen to me, then after I’m through, you have a decision to make.”

  “Okay,” he murmured huskily.

  “Bane, the sex between us has always been good, I won’t deny that. You need to know though that I don’t love you and I’m not sure if I ever will. Until a little bit ago, I didn’t even like you much. While I have missed being with you, I’m ashamed to say that the main reason I was staying with you was so I could see Eagle when we were at the Clubhouse.

  “I know there will never be anything between him and me. I ruined any chance of that. I know it might sound irrational, but that night on the dance floor, I fear I might have lost my heart to Eagle. I’m not sure I’ll ever get it back either, Bane. If you think you can be with a woman who might not ever love you, then we’ll talk about the possibility of a relationship.”