I was starting to think I might need to see someone to talk to. Surely, a normal man didn’t obsess over a woman he had only kissed for twenty minutes or so, even though the moment he saw her he felt like he was looking at his destiny. That wasn’t even counting if he felt an insane amount of chemistry for the woman the minute he laid eyes on her.
God, if I could get rid of this feeling that she was my one and only I think I’d be okay. That was so much easier said than done.
My phone buzzed alerting me I had a text coming in. I glanced at the time to see it was two p.m. We were supposed to eat at four p.m., so I had a couple hours till then. I’d stayed in my room instead of going downstairs to play pool or sit around and talk. This was one of those days I was struggling. I should be downstairs laughing and talking with everyone while Kenzie sat on my lap, only that wasn’t happening for me, it was for Bane.
My phone went off again and I sighed. I reached over and picked it up off the nightstand. I clicked it on and saw I had two messages from Dog. The first one read:
Dog: If U R in Clubhouse, my office in 10.
The second one read:
Dog: Know U R here fucker. UR bike’s out front.
Hell, there was no getting around it. I had to go see what he wanted. I had a feeling I knew. He wanted to check in with me to see how I was doing. I just didn’t know how to answer that question.
Me: On my way.
I swung my legs over the edge of the bed, put my boots on real quick, stood up, grabbed my cut and threw it on then headed out the door. I turned the lock as I left. I wasn’t going to worry about the deadbolt. I’d probably be coming right back upstairs. I made my way downstairs and once I was at Dog’s door, I knocked on the wall beside it and stepped in the doorway.
“C’mon in Eagle and shut the door,” he called out.
He was facing away from me getting two bottles of beer out of his mini fridge. When he turned back around, he held out a bottle toward me. I stepped into the office and closed the door behind me. I walked forward, grabbed the bottle, twisted the cap off and took a long drink.
“You wanted to see me, Prez?”
“Have a seat.”
I sat down and tried to get comfortable. That was hard to do knowing what he was going to talk to me about.
“How are you doing?”
I sighed. Hell, I called it.
“Some days are good, other days not so much. Starting to wonder if I need to talk to a counselor.”
Dog looked at me puzzled.
“Why the fuck you wondering that for?”
“Hell, Dog. I’m still struggling with all of it. I’m still pining after a woman who I kissed maybe twenty minutes and was in her presence maybe thirty. That shit can’t be normal.”
He sighed this time.
“Eagle, ain’t nothing wrong with you. If I was in your shoes, I’d still be fucked in the head about it too. From the first night Ava walked into my office, I knew the minute I saw her I was looking at my future. If I’d had her ripped away from me like you had Kenzie, I’d probably have beaten to death half the men in the club by picking fights just so I could release some of my anger. You’re doing a lot better than I would have.”
“You don’t think I’m fucked up in the head to still dream about her at night and still long to have her in my life?”
“No, Brother, I don’t. For some of us, we know the minute we see the person who was meant for us. A feeling deep in our gut says mine.”
“Yeah, felt like that about Kenzie the first time I saw her. That doesn't make it any easier, Dog. She’s with Bane now. I have to find some way of accepting that and I still haven’t found the way.”
“Brother, you can’t do it by isolating yourself like you’ve been doing.”
“It’s fucking hard to sit in the same room with then and watch Bane touch someone who should have been mine. I still want to beat the shit out of him every time I see him. It’s been over four months. Four fucking god damn months and I’m not any closer to being over this than the very first day. What the fuck am I supposed to do, Dog? How do I get past this?”
“I don’t know, Eagle. I don’t have all the answers for you. I just know you can’t keep doing everything alone. It’s almost like you’re not in the club the way you’re staying off by yourself. Brother, the men are noticing it too.”
“Someone say something to you?”
“Nah, Eagle. I’ve just overheard some stuff. You know I’m the last one that will be told shit like that,” he paused for a moment, rubbing his head. He was thinking on how to say what he was wanting to say. “I’ve been thinking you may have to treat this like a fear.”
Now it was my turn to look at him puzzled. What in the hell did he mean by that?
He laughed when he saw my expression.
“Think I’ve lost it, do you?”
“Well, now that you mention it, Prez,” I grinned at him.
“Fuck you,” he muttered, and I chuckled.
“What did you mean by that?” I asked curiously.
Hell, I was willing to try just about anything right now. After he made his comment, I was second guessing that thought.
“When people are afraid of something, they’re told to force themselves to face their fear over and over. The theory is that eventually you will have faced your fear so many times that you are no longer afraid of it.”
“Fuck, Dog,” I choked out, “you want Bane still living?”
“Most days I do.”
I laughed at that.
“I don’t wish him dead, Dog. I do have a list of things I wouldn’t mind happening to him.”
“Let’s hear the list.”
“You really want to hear it? Like as in seriously want to hear it?”
“Yeah, why the hell not. You don’t talk to anyone now, Eagle. You need to know that there are men in your corner. I’m in your corner and I always will be.”
“Prez, I know you have to say that.”
“Not just saying it, Eagle. Already told you once besides being my Brother, you're my family too.”
“Yeah, you’re Bane’s family too, Dog,” I remarked.
“You’re right, I am. Sometimes family can get mad at each other and not talk for a long time.”
“Think you just made my argument of not talking, Dog.”
“Nah, Eagle. You don’t have to talk to the little shit. I do want you talking to some of your other Brothers.”
He took a sip of his beer.
“Now quit stalling, let’s hear this list.”
I shook my head but answered him anyway.
“I’ve thought I wouldn’t mind him going bald, losing all his teeth, getting warts on his face and I might have hoped his dick would go limp and quit working.”
Dog had just taken another sip of beer and he spewed it everywhere when he heard the last item on my list. Then he started laughing, great guffaws of laughter.
“Hell, couldn’t you just see Bane bald? He preens like a damn woman over his long ass hair and the rest would definitely mess up his pretty face. I’ll deny saying this if you ever tell anyone, but have you noticed he’s kinda too pretty for a man?”
This time it was my turn to spew beer, only I choked myself when I gasped immediately afterwards.
“Fucker, get your breath, ain’t gonna do mouth to mouth on you if you quit breathing.”
I started wheezing with laughter. I could just see Dog’s ass on the floor trying to give me mouth to mouth. Hell, that would be a sight to see. Not that I want my cousin’s mouth on me, still the thought was damn funny.
“Damn, Dog. I can see the news sound bite now. Macho Man President of ARMC caught kissing one of his lowly Brothers although he claims it was mouth to mouth resuscitation. We’d wonder about the man if others hadn’t witnessed the choking accident. Oh, wait. No one did? Well, that might be another story entirely plus it was with his cousin. News at six.”
“Fuck, Eagle. You’re messed up in the head.”
“Been trying to tell you that, Dog.”
“Hell, Brother. Get on out of here and go mingle, play pool, do something, but I want your ass out there around people.”
I let out a deep breath. There wasn’t anything to say. He was right. I had to start acting like I was a part of this MC. If I didn’t, what was the use in me staying?
“Alright, Prez. I hear what you’re saying.”
He lifted his chin and I headed out the door walking as slow as I could. You’d think I was a kid trying to take as much time as he could on his way to the principal’s office. Only one thing wrong with that equation, I’d already been to see the principal.
~*~
I walked into the Great Room to see it was packed. I hadn’t paid any attention to how crowded it was when I came down the stairs. I looked around to see where everyone was. Not seeing Bane and Kenzie, I felt relief sweep through me. Seeing Blood, Slaughter, Doom and Brute at one of the pool tables, I headed that way.
“Bout time you come spend time with your fucking friends,” Blood muttered as he watched Slaughter lining up his cue to take a shot.
I sighed.
“Sorry, Blood. Just didn’t think I could handle sitting at the same table with Bane.”
“I hear ya, Brother. Make his ass move.”
“You and I both know it would take a stick of dynamite to move his ass.”
“That may be, but we want you back where you belong and that’s with us.”
“Blood, I, well… hell. I’m having a hard time with this, okay? I’m afraid if I sit with y’all and hear him talking to her that I’ll lose it and beat the shit out of him.”
“I won’t let that happen. You gotta start sometime, Brother.”
I groaned. Mother. Fuck. He was right. Somehow I had to accept them as being together.
“Alright, Brother. Counting on you to stop my ass if I lose it.”
“I got your back, Eagle. Trust me on that.”
I nodded at him, then spent the rest of the time taking a turn playing a game. Finally, someone called out time to eat. We put our cues away and got in line. We’d been sitting at the table eating and talking for about twenty minutes when I noticed Bane and Kenzie walk out of the hallway from the stairs and into the dining room. It wasn’t long before they made their way to the table and sat down. I’d deliberately sat on the opposite end than I normally did, so at least I wasn’t right next to the fucker.
My eyes caught Bane’s right before he sat down, I saw relief in them, but the longer we stared at each other, I saw the same sorrow I had previously seen take over his expression. If I didn’t know better, I’d think he was regretting what he had done to me, although when he glanced at Kenzie I saw a totally different look cross his face. I sucked in a deep breath.
Fuck. Me.
He was in love with her. It was written as plain as day on his face. Even though I fought not looking, my gaze went to Kenzie. I watched her look at Bane then she looked over at me. She froze a second when our eyes met. Hers seemed to heat up a little bit as they roamed over my face, my chest and my arms. She licked her bottom lip then closed her eyes. When she opened them again they were still directed my way. Only this time, the look in them was sad. Bane spoke to her and the moment was broken.
As everyone sat and ate, I pondered on what I had just observed. Bane had appeared like he was happy I was at our table again, then when he realized that I still hated his damn guts, sorrow seemed to sweep over him. His misery should have made me happy, it did and it didn’t, that fucking confused me.
Christ, seeing him look at Kenzie with love shining out of his eyes almost tore me apart. I don’t know why I was surprised he had fallen for her. There was just something about her that drew you in. You could tell she was a good person. I’d felt that from the moment I watched her walk into the bar.
Watching Kenzie had been eye opening. She still looked at me like she wanted me. It had felt like her eyes were stroking my body as she ran them over me. It hadn’t taken me but a moment of feeling her gaze on me before my cock went rock hard. When she managed to break the spell I seemed to have over her, she looked so heartbreakingly sad that I just wanted to go hold her.
I glanced at them as they ate. Bane would say something to her and she’d answer him back. The way he looked at her was nothing short of adoration. Kenzie’s look was another story. She cared about him, but she didn’t love him. She didn’t look at him like she looked at me.
It hit me that it wouldn’t take me much to take her away from him. As soon as the thought popped into my mind, everything inside me rebelled. While he might not have had any compunction in stealing her from me, I wasn’t that man. I wasn’t taking the woman he loved away from him. My conscience started whispering again. It was letting me know I felt pity for him for loving a woman who didn’t love him back. Like every other time, I tuned the voice out.
I listened to Dog give his speech and cheered with the rest of the men at his words. Then I’d watched Boomer being patched-in and get his cut. We’d also voted in Audrey as his Old Lady, so Boomer gave Audrey her ‘Property of Boomer’ cut. Thoughts of the tragic story between them made me feel like a pussy for moping around over what I considered as my personal tragedy.
Hell, at least I wasn’t losing the woman I’d loved for over thirty years to cancer. Granted he’d only found her again recently, but the man had stood steadfast in his love for his woman for three decades. That was fucking true love.
Then the club welcomed Zane, Boomer’s son and Cas and Slade’s brother, as a Prospect. Both these men were going to be good additions to the MC.
Just when I thought I had put things into perspective, Slade got up and sang a song to his Old Lady. It hadn’t been long since he claimed Brenna and now Slade was letting us all know that they were expecting a baby.
I almost groaned aloud when the thought crossed my mind that I would never have children with Kenzie. It fucking hurt to think about. Watching them leave the room hand in hand not long after Slade’s song caused that fucking knife to tear at my heart a little more. Son of a bitch I wished I could just rip the fucker out of my chest then all would be right in my world again.
~*~
Bane
I saw the way Kenzie looked at Eagle. God, I wanted her to look at me like that. Like she couldn’t wait to get me alone and tear my clothes off my body. She didn’t love me though, she loved him. I guess if I were a bigger man, I’d walk away and let her go to him. I wasn’t sure he would accept what she would offer him, besides, it really didn’t matter, I’d already proven I wasn’t the bigger man and when it came to Kenzie that was even more true.
I might ache with wanting her love, but I couldn’t give her up now. I just couldn’t. My love would have to be enough for both of us. She was all I thought about if I wasn’t thinking of Eagle. I’d come to realize that I couldn’t live without her.
I needed to see her every day. I needed to be able to talk to her. I needed to be able to hold her. I needed to bury myself deep in her body. Most importantly, I needed her to be able to keep breathing. Besides loving her so much it hurt, she helped quieten the demon that was doing its damnedest to destroy my mind. It had almost won when it had taken me over and caused me to hurt Eagle and lose a big part of my life.
Eagle used to keep the demon at bay. He never knew that. I hadn’t wanted to burden him on all the maddening crazy thoughts that plagued my sanity increasingly more and more. If I were to say it out loud it would sound like I was some ungrateful bastard for the things I did have in my life. While I knew I was a bastard, in more ways than one, I wasn’t ungrateful for what I had.
It was more the things I didn’t have that kept haunting me. Why I couldn’t let it all go, I don’t know. There were people everywhere living their lives daily that only had one parent. Hell, some of them didn’t have any and, yet, I was crying into my milk because I didn’t have a daddy.
I mentally shook myself, I needed to quit thinking about th
is shit.
I leaned close to Kenzie’s head and murmured into her ear, “You okay? Can you handle sitting here with him at the table or do we need to move?”
She turned to me and smiled sadly.
“I’m okay, Bane. I have to get used to seeing him. I’ve hated that we were the ones responsible for running him off from his friends.”
I grimaced. “Yeah, I hated when he quit sitting with us too. However, I can’t blame him. I ripped him apart with what I did. I have no one to blame but myself.”
“The men at the table don’t talk to you much, is it because of me?”
“No, babe. It’s because of me. They know what I did. I basically betrayed a Brother. To tell you the truth, I’m surprised I haven’t been kicked out of the club.”
Her eyes widened at my statement. “They wouldn’t do that, would they?”
“They could, Kenz. I was in the wrong. So far I’ve been lucky that besides the talk with Dog and Viper, the only punishment I’ve had is to do every shit job they can think of for me to do, well, that and none of the Brothers talk to me anymore.”
“That’s not really fair is it?”
“Yeah, babe. It is. Like I said. I could have lost my cut. I’ll do whatever damn job they give me with a smile on my face. I deserve everything they heap on me. I won’t complain about one single thing I’m told to do either. I also can’t blame the Brothers for not talking to me. They feel I betrayed one of our own and they’re right.”
I watched the expressions cross her face. She actually hated that I was being punished. Hell, I just wished that was the only punishment I was getting. Somehow I would have to learn to live with the biggest punishment of all. I briefly glanced at Eagle again before lowering my eyes to stare at my plate. Even knowing I’d lose Kenzie, which would destroy my peace of mind and my soul, I’d give anything to go back and undo everything I have done. Anything.
“Bane,” Kenzie whispered.
I glanced up at her to see a look of compassion on her face.
“Do we have to stay any longer?”
“No, babe. We don’t. What did you want to do?”
Bane (Angel's Rebellion MC: #7) Page 11