by Quinn, Cari
“And shave their balls,” Teagan added.
“Okay, that’s enough of that.” Lila rose. “Lindsey, an explanation?”
“She hates Apple products,” Jamie said somberly when I didn’t speak. When I couldn’t. It was as if my vocal cords had been sealed. Stuck together with a glue that tasted like heartbreak. “She’s been in therapy for her issues with them for a while. I hoped she was getting a handle on it, but after what happened here, I think the problem is more serious than any of us ever guessed.”
Everyone laughed. Even me. Especially me. And when I stopped laughing, I started crying.
Jamie looked at me in sheer horror, then came around the table and wrapped her arms around me like a human shield. “Get out of here, all of you. Right fucking now. You too, Lila.”
Lila did not look amused. I couldn’t say I blamed her.
“No. I’m fine. Really. I’m okay. Just a…misunderstanding.” Not even close, but it was as good an excuse as any right now. “Not with Lila. She had nothing to do with it.” I wiped the back of my hands over my soaked cheeks. Amazing how fast I could cry when properly motivated.
Angel must’ve been managed by Ripper Records as well. And wasn’t that a kick in the ass?
“Glad to hear you were harboring secret rage against my iPad, not me,” Lila said drily. “We can give you a moment alone, but just one. You have a show tonight in case you’ve forgotten.” She glanced at her slim watch. “Very soon. And there’s soundcheck and—”
“Yeah, I know. I know what I have to do, and I’ll be ready to do it.” I took a deep breath and glanced at Jamie. She was still curled around me. “I’m okay. I swear.”
“I’ll kill him,” she muttered, and we both knew it wasn’t an idle threat. “There won’t even be enough pieces left to identify his corpse when I’m done with him. Forensic Files won’t be able to find enough ashes for a chalk outline of his shit.”
Somehow, I laughed again as I tipped my head against hers. “I love you.”
“Ditto.” She released a long breath and pulled out the chair beside me, dropping into it with the same sense of world-weariness I had. “This meeting better not take long. We have stuff to do.”
Lila raised a slim eyebrow. “Really? I wasn’t aware, Miss DuCaine.”
Jamie shut up. She knew that Lila had even bigger balls than she did, and she was classy about swinging them around.
“The cost for that iPad will be deducted from your next check, Lindsey.”
Shame burned my cheeks. “I’ll write you a check today. I’m sorry. That was completely unprofessional of me.”
“It was, but I’ve never known you to behave irrationally. Unlike some of your bandmates.” She arched a brow at Jamie, then at Oz as he lowered his bulk into a chair on the opposite side of the table. Zane and Cooper chose chairs on either side of him and Teagan sat down on my other side. The petite blond pursed her lips before sitting beside Teagan.
I felt as if we’d just picked kickball teams back in school. Boys vs. girls.
Boys sucked.
Men sucked even more. Especially ones that made you love them and then broke your heart.
A tickle at the back of my throat had me swallowing hard. Maybe it wasn’t how it seemed. Maybe Nash hadn’t wanted to hurt me.
But I had to put it away tonight if I was going to get on that stage and do my job. I had no choice.
“Hi, Noah.” Teagan smiled at our security expert as he moved to stand next to her at the head of the table.
I expected him to give her a curt nod as he did whenever anyone greeted him. Instead, he flashed her a genuine smile. “How are you, Teagan?”
“Good.” She ran her fingers over her delicate bracelet with its piano and saxophone charms. “Busy. I’m not falling off any piano benches anymore though. So, bright side?”
His laughter was quick and appreciative. “Happy to hear it.”
Cooper laced his fingers together on the table and cocked his head with a friendly smile of his own. “What, Noah, no hello for me?”
Noah’s gaze cooled considerably. “Didn’t realize that was you under the facial hair, Dallas.”
Cooper’s smile dimmed. “Not overseas anymore.”
“He rolls out of bed whenever he feels like it and half the time doesn’t have time to shave.” Teagan grinned at Cooper, who’d locked his jaw as he glanced between them.
Very interesting.
Noah’s eyes shuttered. “Didn’t realize you were privy to his sleeping habits.”
Jamie slid me a look. Okay then.
“We’re all always together. Kinda hard not to be. But how have you been, Noah? It’s been so long.”
Cooper’s teeth audibly clicked together.
Someone was not happy.
“Fine.” Noah’s smile was noticeably tighter now that Cooper was in the conversation. “Just working a lot.”
Teagan looked up at him under the heavy fringe of her lashes. “Well, I’m glad you’ll be working with us.”
Lila cleared her throat. “Regardless of whatever just happened in here with Lindsey,” she added pointedly, in case anyone had forgotten, “we have bigger concerns. Although Donovan will also want to speak to you, Lindsey. With the current state of security concerns, he won’t want you running off half-cocked if you’re having personal issues.”
“What, you’re going to tattle to Donovan now?” Jamie crossed her arms.
“I didn’t have to tattle to him. He was on the phone when Lindsey decided to test her aim. And as for your word choice, Jamie, you might want to step carefully. The leeway I grant Lindsey for what just occurred doesn’t extend to you. Your insouciance isn’t appreciated.”
Jamie waited until Lila turned to speak quietly to Noah to move closer to me. “What the fuck does insouciance mean?” she whispered in my ear. “It sounds like a communicable disease.”
I snorted and Lila shot me a look.
“For those of you who don’t know, this is Noah Jordan with Roth Defense. He’s run a few security details over the years. Some of you may know him as—”
“Manaconda’s brother.” Jamie grinned. “How’s Hunter doing anyway? Haven’t seen him on the circuit in a while.”
Noah leveled his flat gray eyes on her and said nothing. Jamie just shrugged and slung an arm over the back of her chair.
“The brother of Hunter Jordan from Hammered,” Lila continued as if Jamie hadn’t spoken.
It was often the best way to deal with my best friend. Lovable pain in the ass that she was.
There were nods and murmured greetings around the table.
“Noah, the floor is yours.”
Noah nodded and launched into a short speech about the changes in our security, mainly that we would be getting a lot more of it.
Yet again, the phone calls I’d repeatedly tried to ignore shoved their way back to the front of my mind. If I’d gotten another, I would have told them immediately, but now I would just look even more like a hysterical female after the display I’d just put on.
Great timing, Lindz.
“What this means for all of you that if you see or hear anything unusual, no matter how small, we want to know. If you’re planning any surprise trips or anything comes up that affects your routine, your security team should be appraised. We don’t want all of you to feel hemmed in or under lock and key, but for the time being, Donovan feels that tightening things is best. That includes anyone new who gets added to your personal show access lists. Unless it’s your mother, they’re getting vetted before they are allowed close to the stage or any of you. In fact, even your mothers aren’t exempt.” He gave a thin-lipped smile. “Sorry.”
I looked down at the songbook I’d started clenching without even realizing it. I might be pissed as fuck at Nash, but I didn’t want to subject him to Noah’s scrutiny. Nash might be a dick, but he didn’t deserve to have his past raked through for safety reasons that had nothing to do with him. I knew I could trust him physically.
Everything else? Off the table.
Oz leaned forward and cleared his throat. “Not to be indelicate with the ladies present, but what about the special backstage pass list after shows? We typically just pick a few fans from the crowd. You can’t expect to vet every person we want to party with.”
“By party with, he means fuck.” Jamie held up a peace sign when Oz glared. “Hey, brother, doesn’t bother me. I’ve handed out a few passes of my own in my day.”
“To chicks?” Cooper propped his chin on his hand. “Is it story time? Should I get a refreshing beverage?”
Lila rose and crossed her arms. “Not sure if you’re all aware, but this is a serious threat. You might all think it’s funny right now, but if something happens to one of your band members, you won’t be laughing or thinking about your next potential bangfest. And before you think it can’t happen to you or your band, I’ll remind you about Randy Pruitt.”
Any smirks disappeared.
“You’re right,” Oz said after a moment. “Safety comes first. If vetting everyone we want to come backstage is necessary, we’ll do that.”
“Or, you know, maybe be a little more discriminating with your affections.”
We all shifted to stare at the petite blond who’d just decided to weigh in on the matter. But she wasn’t looking at any of us. Her attention was riveted on Oz.
His eyes narrowed. He braced his hands on the table and then he stood, unfurling himself inch by threatening inch. “Daisy fucking Flannigan?”
The blond didn’t blink. “You remember. I’m touched.”
Jamie and I exchanged a look. Uh-oh.
“Um, excuse me, but who the fuck are you?” Jamie asked when no one spoke.
“He just said her name was Daisy fucking Flannigan.” Teagan cleared her throat. “Nice to meet you, Daisy.”
Daisy was still fixated on Oz, and the condition appeared to be mutual. “Likewise.”
“Genie quit,” Lila said without preamble. “Daisy applied to work at Ripper Records some time ago, and as we were going through our contacts, her name came up. She’s worked on off-Broadway plays and also has a couple of years experience at Allure salon in the city, who caters to an upscale clientele that includes models and up-and-comers. She’s also Noah’s cousin, so she’s been well-vetted.”
“Second cousin,” Daisy said. “By marriage.”
“Well, Daisy Flannigan, second cousin by marriage to Noah, I’m Jamie. I play guitar. I don’t like to be fussed with and know how I look best. Stay off my ass and I bet we will be fast friends.” Jamie flashed her a smile and a wave down the table that was about as friendly as Jaws at a meet and greet.
“No.”
All of our heads swiveled to Oz, who not only had not taken his seat again but was now staring at Daisy as if he expected horns and a devil tail to sprout with her next breath.
“She’s not working on the tour. I don’t care who else you get. Hire someone off the damn street. I’ll shave my head and that will be one fewer to worry about.”
Jamie snorted. “Yeah, right, Rapunzel. That hair gets you laid ninety-nine percent of the time.”
But Oz wasn’t paying any attention to her. He’d pivoted to stare at Lila, who appeared to be either meditating or hoping to be beamed up at any moment.
I couldn’t say I blamed her.
“She’s flaky,” he said. “Can’t be counted on. She has a rough history and shouldn’t be trusted with—”
“If I have a rough history, I shared it with your sister. And maybe I moved past it. Did that ever occur to you? Or do you just want to cling to your snap judgments, Caveman?”
“Oh, snap. We turned the dial and landed on the Jerry Springer channel.”
I was pretty sure I was the only one who heard Jamie. Even she didn’t seem to have her usual zeal at witnessing unfolding drama.
We all knew about Oz’s past with his sister. He rarely spoke about it. If this new woman was somehow tied to what he’d gone through, she was a potential problem we did not need—whether or not she’d overcome her past. If Oz didn’t want her here, he had a right to voice his opinion.
Oz didn’t acknowledge Daisy. “She can’t do it. She can’t work on this tour.”
Lila released a long breath. “I respect your concerns, Oz, but Noah just explained to you our new vetting process. We’ve already dedicated resources to making sure Daisy is a good fit for not only Brooklyn Dawn, but the other bands she will be working with when you’re off the road. She’s staying.”
Oz sat down again without a word.
“Still gonna cut your hair? Can I do it?”
He flipped Jamie the bird.
“What? I have half a cosmetology certificate.” She sighed and sat back. “Look, we have soundcheck. Is this over yet?”
It wasn’t then, but the meeting concluded soon after. Before we left, Jamie tugged me aside. “Just tell me what you want me to do to him. I don’t mind blood.”
As if she needed to tell me that.
I took a deep breath. “Let me get back to you on that.”
“You gonna be okay for the show tonight?”
“Of course.” I forced myself to smile. “Making beautiful music is the best revenge.”
Thirty-Four
I didn’t remember getting upstairs or my room. I was glad to have a solo room for once.
I stumbled to the bathroom and didn’t bother looking at myself in the mirror. I knew it was going to be bad. Right now, I wished for the oblivion of Jamie’s whiskey. To black out the pain like a heavy Sharpie marker over words.
Our words.
Given to another artist.
Another woman.
I tried so hard to ignore that part.
Younger. More broken.
Did she tap into that part of him he felt I couldn’t understand?
I stepped into the luxe shower and pointed my face to the blasting heat. Also not good for my skin or hair, but I didn’t give two flying fucks about beauty regimens right now. The hurt was sitting on my chest like a trunk full of Jamie’s guitars.
How could he do that to me?
To us.
Things were still so fragile between us, barely a verse in a song, and he had to display us like that? Not the good parts of us. No, the hate-filled shades we’d started with. Did he really believe that was who we were still? So much poison for him?
Maybe it’s a misunderstanding.
Except I couldn’t even think that way through the shocking pain.
I lifted my face to the spray and let the tears fall. I added the body jets on the controls until I was being pummeled with water. It wasn’t soothing. It was fiery needles attacking me everywhere, reminding me what I should have stayed away from.
Angel’s voice climbed into my brain. Her haunting vocals with so much talent, so much agony.
My words—his words—our words rolling off her tongue.
Overlapping the version I’d heard the night of the rooftop.
Dragging me back to my dark
Don’t need a new drug
To crave
When everyone wants you on stage
Gets their piece for the price
Of a ticket
Obviously, there was no room for the love I’d offered him if that was what he saw between us. What he really felt. Even if I craved the other half of him, there was too much darkness. Too much destruction lived under his skin.
I’d thought we were bigger than that.
He’d finally shared about his accident, and the guilt with Kyle. We’d been so much more than just two people rubbing up against one another because it felt good. It wasn’t like that between us anymore.
At least I thought we’d been more.
I could feel him pulling back when I left, but that was typical Nash. I knew things were going to take time with us. That fairytales weren’t in my reality. I’d never wanted them even before he’d come into my life.
Unlove you til I believe
Unlove you til I don’t care
Unlove you and you’ll never notice
Because you want the world
Not me
I wanted to gouge out the words, but they wouldn’t stop repeating in my brain.
Angel’s breathy voice with no accompaniment made it so much worse.
“Unlove” was bad enough, but the song we wrote together in The Barn too? The one where he’d finally sung himself for the first time in too many years to easily count. The song we’d ripped out of the newness and reverbing echo of our past.
Goddamn him.
By the end of the shower, my throat was raw and my eyes were even worse, but now I could face the world. Now I could ready a plan.
Sawing me in two only made two bitches ready for the world.
Two smart, talented women who would get through this. I’d never really given my heart like that before. Having him toss it back in my face in such a public forum would be met with equal relish.
I stepped out of the shower and calmly slathered myself in the lotions, tricks to kill puffiness, and moisturizers that would show just how much of an Ice Queen I really was.
I tied my hair in a ruthless pair of braids, then wrapped them around my head in a crown. Deft makeup highlighted the coolness of my eyes and slashing bone structure. No softness, no sweetness for the world to see. Only the kickass woman who’d fought her way out of the male dominated landscape of musicians.
Brooklyn Dawn was still here.
Lindsey Fucking York was still here.
And I wasn’t going to show anyone just how much he broke me.
Not anymore.
Black leggings and matching boots paired with a studded black shirt showed off my tall, lithe frame. No fragility here. I smoothed my hand down my hips. Yoga and a brutal trainer who attacked us three times a week on the tour kept me in shape.
I snapped my leather jacket off the back of the door, grabbed my songbook, and pounded on Jamie’s door connecting our rooms. “Let’s roll.”
Jamie opened the door wearing a ripped to shit tank and hopefully, underwear. I never knew with her. “What the hell?” She looked me up and down. “Okay, Princess Badass, what’s up?”