Hear Me Out

by Sarah Harding

  Taking Hillary on meant a real shift for us. It was a whole new way of working. While everything had been a bit haphazard up until then, Hillary’s team at Shaw Thing Management made sure we all had proper, printed-out schedules that we had to stick to. I have to say, it took a while to get used to that way of working, but it was a hell of a lot easier! The other thing that was great about Shaw Thing was the team of young women Hillary had on board. Her second-in-command, Angela O’Connor, was great and would often accompany us to TV performances and photoshoots. Down the line, there were others, like Jodie, Nikki and Lily (who still works for Cheryl now) who were part of the team. Hillary also brought in a vocal producer she managed called Terry Ronald. He oversaw and mixed most of our live TV performances, always making us do warm-ups before we went on. All in all, it was a lot more organised, and suddenly there were all sorts of new opportunities coming our way. Best of all was that when Hills came on board, she helped us plan and put together our first-ever live tour, What Will the Neighbours Say?

  Touring and playing live was where I came alive. It wasn’t just the concerts, but the whole experience of it. Being on the bus with the other girls and our team, the buzz of backstage, the dressing up and costumes – it was all kind of magical. I always immersed myself in it completely. It was a whirlwind few months on the road with a crazy, creative family – a circus troupe.

  Of course, the shows themselves were the real cherry on the cake, and that’s where I really came into my own. Actually, I think sometimes the other girls thought I came into my own a bit too much, too often. Something would take over me when I was out there on stage. It was like I couldn’t stop myself from being the wild, lairy Sarah everyone expected me to be. During rehearsals, we’d decided between us and our director, Beth, who was going to say what and when. However, once the show was off and running, all that planning just seemed to go out of my head. I’d end up talking over the top of one of the other girls, or saying the wrong thing – it’s just the way I am.

  On top of that, I had to focus really hard on remembering all the routines. As I’ve already said, I was a singer rather than a dancer, so the choreography sometimes put me on the back foot. With all that nervous energy bubbling away, I’d get all flustered and out of breath – especially for the first couple of shows of a tour.

  By the time we were a few shows in, I’d usually settled down a bit, and that was when I really started to enjoy myself. I felt strong when I was out on stage.

  I became a whole new character, and I was entirely at one with her.

  CHAPTER SIX

  I’ve finally moved into my new apartment, and although it’s been a bit of an uphill struggle to get here, I’m pleased to be in. Right now, I’m surrounded by boxes. In fact, you’ve never seen so many boxes. I wish I could even begin to tell you what’s in them all, but the truth is that I don’t have a Scooby because they’ve come from a combination of different storage units that I’m finally emptying out. Of course, there are clothes, photographs, music equipment and kitchen stuff, but it’s quite a shock looking around at your whole life packed in cardboard, as I am now. There’s just so much of it.

  In the living room, I have what might be the longest sofa in the world. The room is a decent size, so it can take it, but the fact is, it’s gorgeous and was a bit of a bargain, so I had to have it.

  The apartment is within a gated, private estate and has some very nice private outdoor space too. It also has a lift that goes to the upper floor. I know, an actual lift inside the apartment. It’s not something that would have been on my usual list of things to have in my living space. Still, given how bad my joints have been with the chemotherapy, particularly my knees, it’s a bit of a godsend. One of the most important things for me is that the place feels very zen, with beautifully designed lighting and decor. I need that right now. Best of all, though, is the fact that I feel like I’m moving forward. It’s essential, given what’s happening to me, that I’m pushing forward and having goals. I can’t really do much in the way of work right now, so making a new home for myself, something that’s mine, is my way of saying, ‘I’m still here. I’m still fighting.’

  For a while, Mum will be staying here with me, so there is bedding and a mattress to get sorted for her room, as well as all my things. Moving and all the things that go with it can be stressful at the best of times. When you’re trying to do it with the backdrop of feeling ill and having cancer treatment, it feels like an even more mountainous task. Luckily, I have some friends who are going to help me out over the coming weekend. Guess what? There are even more boxes to bring from storage. I’m not sure how long it’s all going to take to unpack, but all I can do is go at my own pace while keeping going with my treatment.

  Walking around my apartment, I feel like I’m a hundred years old. Everything hurts so much. It’s as if every bit of energy has been sucked out of me. On bad days, I feel like I’m struggling from room to room, trying to work out how to move with the least amount of discomfort. The other thing that’s really hard to deal with is the way I look right now. The steroids I’m taking have made me bloated to the point that I hardly recognise myself. It’s as if my body is not my own any more. It doesn’t work in the way it should or even look how it should.

  As I mentioned earlier, I was often attracted to rogues and rebels back in the day, and yes, they seemed to like me too.

  So you won’t be surprised to hear that I dated one or two during my time in the band, or, in some cases, almost dated!

  After our very first trip to the BRIT Awards, in 2003, we were invited to the Universal Music after-party. It was there I got chatting to Robbie Williams, who’d just won the Best British Male Solo Artist award. We got on really well; in fact, I felt a real connection between us. During our chat, I asked him how he dealt with the pressure of fame and celebrity, explaining how I was struggling a bit. He admitted to me that he also found it challenging and overwhelming sometimes. We spent a lovely time together, and I liked him, but I didn’t think anything else of it.

  A week or so later, I got a call from one of our TV team at Polydor.

  ‘My friend Robbie wants your number,’ he said.

  ‘Who’s your friend Robbie?’ I answered.

  ‘You know, Robbie.’

  ‘Robbie who?’

  ‘Who do you think?’ he said. ‘You were talking to him for ages at the Universal do.’

  ‘Fuck off,’ I said. ‘Robbie Williams?’

  Wow! I mean, I hadn’t even been in the band that long – only a few months, in fact – and here was one of the world’s biggest music stars asking for my number. This, however, was at a time when I was on/off/on/off with Mikey; at that point, we were in an ‘on’ period. As tempted as I might have been, I knew I couldn’t respond to Robbie; it just wouldn’t have been fair. So I just let it go, flattered that Robbie had at least been interested enough to ask his mate for my number.

  Not long after that, we were performing on Ant & Dec’s Saturday Night Takeaway. Robbie turned up at the ITV studios, even though he wasn’t a guest on the show that week. I was surprised, to say the least, especially when he came upstairs to the dressing rooms to say hello. I even remember him trying to wangle a few minutes alone to talk to me. The rest of the girls were so excited that he’d come for a visit so it was hard to even get a look in. It’s funny, when I’d been on my own with him at the Universal party, I’d felt utterly relaxed, but with the other girls in the mix, I’d reverted to feeling like an ugly duckling. So unconfident. After the show, Robbie went out to a nightclub with Kimberley and some of our dancers, but for some reason I didn’t get wind of it and missed out. When I’d asked our TV promoter, Robbie’s pal, what Robbie had been doing at the studios that night when he wasn’t part of the show, he’d replied, ‘Sarah! What do you think he was doing there?’

  I regret missing out that night. I liked Robbie very much, and I’d have liked to have got to know him better then, even just as a friend. The worst part about it w
as hearing Kimberley telling us all what a fantastic night they’d all had. I did feel a bit gutted. I never told her or the rest of the girls that Robbie had come down to the ITV studios to see me that night. In fact, this will probably be the first they’ve heard about it.

  Mind you, can you imagine what might have happened if I had got together with him, given both of our histories? What a couple we’d have been, tearing around town! Perhaps it was for the best, after all. Although I sometimes think I’d like to rewind, just to see what might have been.

  Mikey and I stayed solid for a year or so, and then we were on/off for a while. As time went on, the bad patches started to outweigh the good, and that’s when I began to feel restless. Enter Calum Best!

  I always refer to Calum as my ‘beautiful disaster’, after the 2003 Kelly Clarkson song. We dated on and off for about two years from 2005. Calum wasn’t the most straightforward guy to be in a relationship with, but when I first met him, he was a world away from the public perception of him, which was a bit of a ladies man and a rogue. Actually, I think he got a little kick out of having that reputation for a while.

  Back then, I had the patience to be with a man who was always late and not always the most reliable of dates. I barely drank and drove everywhere, so did most of the legwork when it came to meeting up. At the time, Calum was living on the penthouse level of the house of Manchester City and England goalkeeper David James and his wife Tanya. They were going through a divorce at the time, so David wasn’t living there; it was just Tanya and their children. Calum didn’t have an entire flat, but a huge room with an en suite bathroom, which was very comfortable. At the time, Tanya had three gorgeous little Yorkshire Terriers, and, whenever I was there, Calum and I would bring them up on the bed with us and play with them.

  The story of how we met and got together is a bit of a sticky one, really. At the time I was still in a relationship with Mikey, but by then the relationship was really on its last legs. If I’m honest, we were both just letting things carry on out of habit.

  The night Calum and I first met, I was with the rest of the girls from the band at our very first Glamour Awards. I remember getting a glimpse of this handsome guy on another table who I thought was someone else.

  ‘God, is that Jude Law over there?’ I said to someone at our table.

  I was a big fan, and if it was Jude sitting there a few tables away, I was going to have to meet him.

  ‘That’s not Jude Law,’ somebody told me. ‘That’s Calum Best.’

  Later in the evening, I was in the bathroom area, faffing about with the knee-length, diamanté-encrusted gladiator sandals I was wearing, when Calum breezed past. I said hello, and then he made some flirty comment, along the lines of, ‘Oh, I’d definitely leave those on.’

  I ran into him several times throughout the evening, and he made it clear he was interested. I was attracted to him right off, but I was still with Mikey. Later that night, I was in a private area of the nightclub Funky Buddha with the girls, when Alesha Dixon came to join us. She knew Calum, so I asked her what she thought.

  ‘He’s been hitting on me all night,’ I said, ‘and I’m not really sure what to do. I like him, but it’s not as simple as that.’

  I knew things weren’t right between Mikey and me, and I didn’t see them getting any better, but at the time we hadn’t broken up. There was no getting away from the fact that flirting with Calum put me on seriously dodgy ground.

  ‘Calum’s a lovely guy,’ Alesha said, ‘but if you’re looking for a long-term thing, I wouldn’t get involved.’

  As the night went on, my resolve weakened. The more I thought about my current relationship, the unhappier I felt. After a couple more drinks I thought, screw it! By then, Calum was piling on the attention, so I went and sat down with him. Engrossed in conversation, we got closer and closer until I found myself kissing him. Unbeknown to me, there was a well-known tabloid journalist nearby, and various members of the press too.

  Realising we were being watched, I headed for the dance floor, and Calum followed.

  Needless to say, the story of our intimate clinch was all over the press, causing a massive fight between Mikey and me. I knew what I’d done was wrong, but at the same time, neither of us were happy. I know that if I had been happy, the thought of snogging another guy in public, however handsome, wouldn’t have entered my mind. After that, Calum continued to text me, daring me to go on a date with him. I kept reminding him that I had a boyfriend, but deep down, I knew I wanted to see him again.

  This feeling was the wake-up call I needed, screaming at me that I wasn’t in the right relationship. It wasn’t all Mikey’s fault either. Looking back, I should have ended my relationship with him long before, but I was scared to move on. For a long time, my relationship with him had been the one thing I was secure in. I guess I was afraid to step away and let it go, even though I knew it wasn’t working any more.

  When I started dating Calum, I began to feel a bit more independent; more confident in myself. It was hard for Mikey, though. Once we’d broken up, he’d packed up and left the flat, and suddenly I was officially seeing Calum. Under normal circumstances Mikey wouldn’t have necessarily known. Still, Calum and I being the people we were meant that the press were all over us. Mikey couldn’t have avoided seeing the two of us together, even if he wanted to. I felt terrible about that.

  Calum introduced me to a whole new world, leading me to try things I’d never tried before – some good, some not so good. I do remember trying sushi for the first time with him. The only experience I’d had with it until then was when the girls had ordered some during a recording session back in the early days. At the time, no one was wildly impressed.

  ‘Errr … it’s disgusting,’ someone said. ‘How are you supposed to pop these bean things?’

  Of course, we all grew to love it eventually.

  Calum took me to Nobu on our first date, introducing me to the delights of the deluxe Bento Box. He was very much the gentleman that night; not really what I had been expecting. Afterwards, we went down to Funky Buddha in Mayfair and had a lovely time together.

  As I said, I tended to take my car everywhere back then, which meant I drank little or not at all. I’d drive to meet him after Girls Aloud appeared on Top of the Pops or after a day’s work. As time went on, that started to get tricky. The more we were seen out together, the more the press wanted shots of us together. At times, I literally had photographers climbing over the bonnet of my car as we tried to get in or out of somewhere. On those occasions, I’d be yelling through the windscreen at them, mad as hell.

  ‘Will you lot move, please?! I can’t see where I’m going! I’m trying to drive – fuck off!’

  I’d been a big fan of Liam Gallagher when I was a teenager, and here I was emulating my hero, swearing at paparazzi and giving them the finger.

  Calum was such a thoughtful guy at that time. Whenever I was ill, he sent flowers, and not just one bunch. Sometimes I could fill my whole kitchen with the flowers he sent. When I was very sick after catching a meningococcal infection, he even sent an enormous bunch to my mum’s, where I was staying. He was the perfect gentleman, apart from the fact that he was always bloody late!

  In return, I tried to be a comfort to him while his father George was dying. Calum didn’t know what to do, and after his father died, I did all I could to get him out of the house because no one else could. I knew then that Calum had problems with addiction, but at the time I’d never touched drugs, so I couldn’t grasp what he was going through; I just wanted him to get better.

  Looking back, I think our relationship came at the perfect time for both of us. I guess Calum needed grounding and I needed to find myself and discover who I was outside of Girls Aloud. One of the things I learned from Calum was how to persevere and to be patient, which was never easy for me.

  I guess meeting Calum was my gateway to the West End party scene, having fun and feeling a bit more sure of myself. It took me some time to rea
lise that scene wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, or what I’d naively imagined it would be at the start. Still, whatever happened, my time with Calum is something I look back on fondly.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  I bought my first flat in 2004, in Camden. It was in an old stone school building; beautiful, with vaulted ceilings, a mezzanine level and fabulously big windows. The only problem was, it all looked a bit dated, with tired-looking carpets and decor that just wasn’t me. It needed a complete revamp, but having the builders there all the time got so noisy. On several occasions, I grabbed my duvet and went downstairs to sleep in my car, just so I could have a lie-in.

  Still, I was never the sort of person to sit in and watch TV or knit anyway. OK, when I was in a relationship it was always nice to snuggle up to watch movies with a boyfriend. Whenever I’ve been single, though, I just wanted to get out there – no Bridget Jones for this girl. I just don’t suit those big pants. I needed to get out there, to do stuff and to keep busy. My mind would never let me do anything other than that. It’s never really been any different, whether it was ice skating, horse riding or even the few skiing lessons I had.

  I’m a person who can’t seem to sit still for five minutes; always on the go. I guess, because of my condition, I’ve always been quite a scatty person. One thought doesn’t get time to finish before another one starts. I was already quite hyper as a kid, but the skittishness that developed over time came from being here, there and everywhere, and the fast pace of my life within the band. The problem I have is that people sometimes take it the wrong way. They see someone who’s animated and enthusiastic and immediately assume the worst.

  ‘She’s drunk’ or ‘she’s on drugs’.