Hear Me Out

by Sarah Harding

  For me, Passions turned out to be an experience that was painful but fun. It was pretty brutal, and I now have a tremendous amount of respect for polo players. One of the things I’m proudest of is that I’m such an all-rounder. I’m always up for trying something new, however out of my comfort zone it might be. Despite my love for and experience of horses, this was on another level altogether. Still, I felt up to the challenge.

  Polo is played with two teams, and the aim is to score goals using a long wooden mallet to hit a small ball through the other team’s goal. Each team has four horses with riders, and the game is divided into sections called chukkas. It’s a contact sport where you can be moving at up to 30 miles an hour while people are trying to hook your stick and ride into you. It’s certainly no walk in the park.

  I trained in England first and then in Buenos Aires, Argentina, which was fantastic. I started very early each day – which as you can imagine wasn’t easy for me – and ended the day knackered but feeling rewarded.

  The first horse they put me on was called Pablo, and he was just amazing. For me, he was the perfect horse, and we quickly developed a bond and a rhythm. I was sad to leave him, but when a monsoon flooded the pitch in Buenos Aires, we had to film the final of the tournament in Hickstead in West Sussex. That was a bit of a shock to me. It was an arena, rather than a field, which wasn’t what I’d been accustomed to. This meant that there was a lot more turning involved, rather than straight galloping – which is what I was good at. I was in a small arena using a bigger ball on sand rather than grass. I felt so unsteady. I’d also never ridden on three of the four ponies I was given on the day. In fact, I’d only practised on one of them for a while the day before.

  I’d have loved to have kept the same pony throughout, the one I’d had a bit of experience riding, but that was impossible. You have to change the horse at each chukka as they get tired. The horses are galloping up and down fields the size of three football pitches.

  Cheryl and Kimberley came to watch me play in the final, and it was pretty brutal. I’ll admit that I was entirely out of my depth that day. If it had been in the open space of a field, I might have just struggled through, but being in a small arena with all that twisting and turning was simply too much. I didn’t have the skills required, so I kept losing my grip. At one point, I lost a stirrup and almost slipped off. Luckily, my friend Jamie Morrison, who was in the other team, helped me back on and I continued. It happened again, though, and this time my horse was determined to follow the ball, which was in a scrum. I’d lost my stirrup and I felt myself slipping off, but I was terrified of being in a crush, as that can be deadly. Jamie’s father had ended up in a coma from which he never woke from being caught in a crush during polo. My brother had also had friends who had died or been injured. Realising there wasn’t much else I could do, I let myself fall, knocking myself out when I hit the ground. I lay there looking like the chalked-out shape of a dead body. It was funny but not funny. I was only out for about 30 seconds, but the worst part of the injury was to my ankle. When I first came to, I didn’t have a clue where I was or what had happened. It was the weirdest feeling in the world, and it scared me. In fact, I was in tears.

  Of course, with this being reality TV, the cameras were on me. My brother came over and told them to ‘get lost’.

  ‘This is serious; she needs to be checked over,’ he said.

  In the end, I shook it off, but the organisers advised that I shouldn’t carry on. As it turned out, my team won anyway, so they let me keep the trophy!

  The experience certainly didn’t put me off riding. It’s something I continued to enjoy, although the idea of being on a horse right now seems like another universe away.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  I’ve always been able to adapt to whatever group of people or the environment I’ve been in. I think that life skill stems from a couple of things. Firstly, it comes from the number of different settings I was in as a child and a young person: the various schools, the multiple jobs. I encountered so many varied types of people and situations, and I learned to fit in and go with the flow of whatever was going on around me. As I got older, I felt like I was often playing a character to fit in, to the point where I sometimes didn’t really know which one was the real me any more. It’s something I probably wasn’t aware of for much of the time, but I can certainly see it now. Still, there were upsides to this. It’s actually convenient to be able to adapt to varied environments so quickly. I have friends who are quite posh – Lady Victoria Hervey and all the polo crowd, for instance. I’ve also got mates from the East End of London and Southend who are not at all posh – proper Essex, in fact. Then there are my other group of friends from Hampstead in London – a completely different crowd. I can enjoy my time with all of them in any kind of situations because I guess I know what they are expecting of me. I always have the perfect Sarah on tap to fit into their worlds.

  Of course, I also have my on-stage persona. I sometimes think that’s the Sarah I like best, because the place I feel most at home is on stage, performing. That’s where I can let rip and feel free. I certainly stepped into a character while I was up there in front of a Girls Aloud audience, but that was for me as much as it was for an audience.

  Our early gigs were great fun, particularly G-A-Y in London, where we’d always try to pull something special out of the bag. In the beginning, when we weren’t big enough to tour, G-A-Y was a brilliant opportunity for us to put on a show. We always spent every penny we were paid on the show itself. On one Saturday at G-A-Y, the theme of the night was ‘school disco’, so we dressed up as school girls – oh my God, imagine that now! We came on stage to ‘We don’t need no education’ from ‘Another Brick in the Wall’ by Pink Floyd, who Dad and I are both big fans of. On another night it was a pyjama party, and when the curtain went up, we were all in beds, with naked men under the covers. I think a lot of the G-A-Y audience probably appreciated that one.

  Of all the tours we did down the line, Tangled Up in 2008 was definitely my favourite. We started the show flying above the stage with billowing wing-like capes, and I had this crazy curly hair. I think most people know that on stage I was always ‘extra’. I remember at the start of one show I shouted, ‘Big Mouth’s back, and she’s here to say hello!’

  One of the songs from that tour was ‘Girl Overboard’, which was from the Tangled Up album. It was a fantastic track, and the Girls Aloud single that never was. I had a sneaking suspicion the song was written about me. However, it was apparently written about a member of another girl band. This was a song I loved singing on tour, always adding in new harmonies. It was a real moment. Cheryl loved the song too and said it should have been a single. In the end, it was a toss-up with this and ‘Can’t Speak French’, which is what won out in the end.

  Going back further, on the Chemistry tour of 2006, we’d put together a movie medley, with eighties favourites ‘Fame’, ‘Flash-dance (What a Feeling)’ and ‘Footloose’. My big number within the medley was, of course, ‘Footloose’, the rock-out number of the three. It was brilliant fun and went down so well with the fans that Polydor felt that we should record one of the songs for inclusion on our first greatest hits album, The Sound of Girls Aloud. The thing that not many people know is that we were initially going to do a Spice Girls medley on that tour, which we’d rehearsed and perfected, right up to the dress rehearsal. That’s when the problem arose as the show was running too long. We had to get rid of something. So, on the day of the first show, our Spice Girls medley got axed, but the movie medley made it in.

  We ended up recording ‘What a Feeling’ for the greatest hits album, and some other new songs. One of these was ‘Something Kinda Ooooh’, which seemed to go through quite a lot of different versions at Xenomania before the final one we ended up with.

  Around the time of ‘Something Kinda Ooooh’s release, we all bowled into Polydor for a meeting with Peter Loraine, now general manager of our label Fascination Records, and the MD, Colin
Barlow. We were excited about releasing our first greatest hits compilation, which seemed like such a milestone, and whatever was to come next. At one point in the meeting, Nicola asked the question: ‘So what’s going to be our next single after “Something Kinda Ooooh”?’

  ‘We think we’re going to go with “What a Feeling”,’ Colin said, and suddenly all five of us hit the roof.

  ‘No way are we having that as a single!’ we shouted, practically in unison.

  ‘I’m not singing the Gaviscon advert on telly!’ Cheryl screamed.

  We didn’t even really want ‘What a Feeling’ to go on the album, let alone be a single. Cheryl had a last-minute idea of recording another eighties classic, ‘I Think We’re Alone Now’. This song had been a number one hit for Tiffany in 1987 but was actually an old sixties tune by Tommy James & the Shondells. Of course, we were all much more familiar with the Tiffany version. The only trouble with this idea was that the album was literally due to be pressed any day. Hence, the recording of it was an absolute rush job; the version of ‘I Think We’re Alone Now’ that went on the album isn’t as polished as the one that eventually came out as a single, in fact it doesn’t even sound like it’s finished. It’s kind of ruined it for me really, as this had been one of my favourite songs as a child.

  I was usually very up when we came off stage after a show. ‘Let’s go out!’ would be my mantra, and often it would be me and the dancers, to whom I was always close, who would go out. We had some fantastic dancers over the years, including Simon Barnum, who’s one of my best friends and continued to work with me as a choreographer once I’d left the band. Then there was Arthur Gourounlian, Anthony Kaye, Aaron Bernard, Craig Whymark, Jerry Reeve, Mark Webb – all under the supervision of our choreographer and creative director, Beth Honan.

  We were lucky enough to have so many great people on our team over the years, both on tour and on our many photo shoots and videos: Liz Martins and Kolbrun Ran (make-up) and Lisa Laudat (hair) and of course my dear friend Sarah O’Brian AKA Mousey, were all on team ‘glam squad’ at various times. They certainly had their work cut out for them with the five of us, especially with all our varied tastes and styles.

  For the ‘Call the Shots’ video, I thought I could get away with a sharp crop haircut, but I ended up looking a bit like Mr Spock. That was one I definitely regretted. If I’m being honest, I think that’s a look that only gorgeous, skinny models can get away with. We all went to LA to film that video, but you wouldn’t know it; it could have been anywhere.

  There were also our stylists Victoria Adcock and Frank Strachan. Also, Toby Leighton Pope, who was our promoter, Sol Parker, who was our agent, and Jeremy Hewitt, our merchandiser. I affectionally named those boys The Three Stooges, and we had some great and funny times with them on our various tours. Some of which I probably shouldn’t mention here!

  While we were on tour in Ireland, we were all staying at the Dylan Hotel, which is a gorgeous boutique hotel in Dublin’s south city centre. We’d been partying quite hard in the private outside area we’d been given. The music was pumping, and we were all singing, dancing and swinging around poles like pole dancers.

  Eventually, the party was finished, but some of us were not, if you know what I mean. It wasn’t unusual for a hardcore bunch of us to end up in one of the rooms where we’d carry on the party – music still going. God only knows what the other guests must have thought, but it was morning before anyone could find us. Apparently, Drew and the rest of the security team had no idea where I was and had been searching for hours. As you can imagine, they weren’t best pleased. In fact, I remember one of them being quite cross with me when I was eventually located.

  ‘Are you fuckin’ packed, Sarah?’ he shouted over.

  ‘Yes, I’m packed,’ I said.

  I actually wasn’t completely packed, but I didn’t have much stuff, and it was all right there in my room. I just had to get to the case. I must have been all over the place because the security guy eventually picked me up and literally carried me downstairs to my room. A make-up artist on the team finally staggered back to her room to pack, but she ended up passing out and wasn’t seen again that day – even on the tour bus. She simply didn’t make it. In the end, she had to get a flight to Glasgow just to make our next gig.

  Meanwhile, I was thrown on the bus and went right to my bunk. Yes, I knew I had another gig that night, but I also knew that I could sleep most of the day if I needed to. In those days, it didn’t seem to matter how much I partied on tour, I was always fine the next night as long as I got enough sleep in between. I’m pretty sure that wouldn’t be the case these days, but back then I had the constitution of an ox. Nowadays, I get out of breath going to and from the Co-op.

  I wasn’t the only one in the band who liked to let off steam by any means. We were in Moscow once, playing a private gig very close to the Kremlin, and there was plenty of drinking on that trip, after the gig. It was our very last show before the Christmas break of 2007, and after a whole year of working hard, we were ready for a couple of weeks of just chilling with friends and family.

  Back at the hotel, after the show, drinks were flowing. In fact, we all got pretty steaming with the promoters of the gig in the hotel bar. As it got later and later, some of the dancers went out to clubs and Nicola, Cheryl and Kimberley gradually ebbed off from the bar to bed. Meanwhile, Nadine and I stayed on, drinking and chatting away. At one point, Nadine disappeared, God knows where to. I thought she’d gone to bed too, but a little while later she was back again, ready for ‘one more’ drink.

  In the midst of all of this, in through the door of the hotel walks Boy George, heading for the lifts. Now, there was a bit of history between George and us; bad blood, you might say. So, being in the lively state that I was, I decided to collar him.

  ‘Oi, you!’ I shouted across the room.

  George had been rude about us at the Vodafone Live Music Awards that year. We’d been performing at the awards, singing live, as we always did at our shows.

  ‘I don’t know why they’re here,’ he’d said. ‘They’re just a bunch of pretty girls prancing around on the stage.’

  Afterwards, when a journalist had asked me what I’d thought about his comment, I’d said something like, ‘How would he know anyway? He’s too busy sweeping shit off the streets of New York!’ This was in reference to the community service George was ordered to do after pleading guilty to falsely reporting a burglary at his apartment in Manhattan, where police officers found cocaine. I also suggested he might be jealous of our make-up as it was better than his.

  Once I got George’s attention in the bar, I said, ‘I think we ought to have a little chat, don’t you?’

  ‘Well, if it’s about what I think it’s about, I’m really sorry,’ he said. ‘I didn’t mean it; it was just banter.’

  George ended up joining us for drinks, and we ended up having a good chat and putting all the bitchiness behind us.

  The night went on and on until our tour manager Drew appeared to inform us that we had half an hour. I wondered for a moment what he meant. Was Drew telling us we had half an hour until the bar closed? Apparently not. It turned out that he meant half an hour before we left for the airport to travel back to London. Half an hour!

  Poor Drew. Besides having to pin me down, plus Nadine who’d been on several wanders around the hotel, some of the dancers hadn’t arrived back from whatever bar or club they’d gone off to. On top of that, he had to get the rest of the girls out of bed. This was never easy at the best of times, especially after a night of heavy drinking. It must have been like herding cats.

  Even though I hadn’t even packed when Drew made his announcement, Nadine and I were oblivious to the urgency of the situation.

  ‘Shall we have one for the road?’ I suggested.

  ‘Yeah, why not?’ Nadine said.

  Eventually, I made it back to my room, where I drunkenly threw my stuff into a bag. By the time I got back downstairs, Drew had located
the missing dancers, but Nadine had gone AWOL again. By some miracle, we all ended up in cars on our way to the airport, and at the time I remember thinking I didn’t feel that drunk. This was obviously an illusion because when we pulled up at the airport, I got it into my head that we were pulling up outside the BBC.

  ‘Oh God, don’t tell me we’ve got another gig to do,’ I said. ‘What the hell are we doing here? Drew! Drew! We’ve gone to the wrong place. This is the BBC.’

  I wasn’t the only one who was confused. Nadine and I were in separate vehicles, and, of course, the last two to get out of them. Nadine eventually got out of her car, but instead of making her way into the airport terminal, she got into the car I was in.

  ‘OK, let’s go!’ she said to the driver. ‘Drive on!’

  And he did, with a desperate Drew running after us.

  I’m not sure where she thought she was heading, but I do remember that the two of us were talking absolute bollocks.

  For me, the best part of any event, show, video shoot or wild night out was always when I got home. Taking my eyelashes and make-up offand getting into the shower was always absolute heaven.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  Today my friend Mousey visited me at my mum’s and did my hair. I think I just needed a bit of a boost and to feel a bit more human again, so she came up to do some extensions and a bit of colour. I’ve actually known Sarah for years, and it was through her that I met my long-term boyfriend, Tommy Crane. In fact, I’ve always called her Mousey because that was Tom’s nick-name for her.

  Before I met Tom, I hadn’t been the luckiest in love. Being insecure, as I was, often led me to make the wrong choices. I didn’t really enjoy being on my own, so I’d tended to end up going from one boyfriend to the next, just to avoid feeling lonely. Look, I certainly wasn’t the first girl in the world to dive headlong into a rebound relationship, but I sure had my fair share of them in my younger years. I think of myself as a trusting soul, so when, in the past, boys cheated on me or ended things with me, I’d feel horribly let down. The trouble was, instead of realising that the guy in question just wasn’t right for me, my inner critic was always there on my shoulder, convincing me that there was something wrong with me and that it was all my fault.