Hear Me Out

by Sarah Harding

  Winning the BRIT for ‘The Promise’ was one of the biggest moments of my life … I’m sure all the other girls will say the same. As usual, I was the first to grab the award when we got up there on stage, holding it aloft and screaming, ‘It’s about time!’ This was quickly followed by, ‘I think I’ve just wet myself!’ It was such a mad moment.

  Not long after that, we embarked on our fifth tour, Out of Control, and we opened up for Coldplay at Wembley Stadium at Chris Martin’s request, which were the last two things we did before Girls Aloud embarked on what would turn into a three-year hiatus. Apart from anything else, I think we were all exhausted. We’d been working for seven years non-stop by then: single, video, promo, album, tour, over and over. Girls Aloud were a machine, and there didn’t seem to be any sign of us slowing down. It was time to take a break.

  When we eventually reunited, three years later, we released a career-spanning greatest-hits album, Ten to celebrate ten years of the band, and embarked on one final tour. Singing in front of all the fans again was extremely emotional for all of us, especially during the final show, where we ended up blubbing at the old footage of the band, flashing up on the screens above us. We’d all agreed that it was time to say goodbye at the end of the tour. I know Nadine wasn’t as happy with the decision, and I probably could have gone either way, but when it came down to it, it just wasn’t the same any more. Our collective hearts weren’t in it.

  As amazing as it had all been, it wasn’t always quite as fabulous as it looked. We were often being rushed here, pushed there, bouncing from interview to TV show and then back to another interview. It’s not like we were hard done by or being mistreated, far from it; it’s just the way things were when there was something big to promote. A lot of the time, we were working until we could hardly keep our eyes open. In those seven years, everyone wanted a piece of Girls Aloud, and as long as that was the case, the band would carry on being successful. We all knew we were leading a charmed life compared to most, and I always tried to appreciate that, but I didn’t feel glamorous a lot of the time, I can tell you. Yes, there were moments of glamour, lots of them, but day-to-day it was often hard to keep up. Once you had your hair and make-up on, you’d step out on stage looking a million dollars, but sometimes underneath you’d be thinking, Jesus, I’m knackered! How am I going to get through this? It was usually the rush of adrenaline that got me through, especially during a live show.

  The thing that used to upset me most about the constant rushing around is when I had to disappoint fans. Wherever we went, there were young people wanting autographs and photos. Every time we stepped out of a building, there they were. It was always lovely when we could stop for a chat and to sign something for them, but bloody hideous when we were running late and dragged away by tour managers and had to jump into a car without a word, or maybe just a quick wave. The problem was, our schedule during promotion was always tightly packed. We’d often be rushing out of one interview or TV appearance on our way to something else with no time to spare, perhaps even to catch a train or a flight. Our tour managers had the unenviable job of making sure all five of us were exactly where we needed to be at the right time, which often meant rushing us out of buildings and into cars whether or not we wanted to stop and chat. Still, I hated seeing the sadness and disappointment on the faces of these young fans when I couldn’t stop. I always wanted someone to physically drag me away, so they would know it wasn’t my fault that I couldn’t stop and talk to them. It made me feel dreadful, and I’d end up apologising for England. It’s funny – for so much of my life I’ve felt like I always had to explain myself and to apologise to people over and over. I don’t know why. I should have been able to tell the fans that I loved them and walk off to my next job, like a professional. They’d have understood. I never could, though. Whatever that thing was that the other girls seemed to have, I didn’t have it.

  My fans – the Sarah fans – have always been brilliant, and have done so much for me. The Sarah Harding Addicts in particular, as well as all of my other fabulous long-time supporters: Kelly, Chris, Sammie, Shanna, Holly, Hannah, Hollie, and the two Sarahs! They have always been there for me in difficult times. They also understand when I go quiet or disappear off the radar for a while. They know now that I can’t be on social media because I’m not well and I can’t really deal with all that stuff. In fact, they’re so important to me that I asked the Sarah Harding Addicts, Natasha and Claire, if they would kindly make a contribution to my book.

  This is what they wrote for me …

  For us, Sarah always felt like the most down-to-earth member of Girls Aloud. She was a straight-talking northerner, she loved animals and was charismatic. OK, we’re not going to lie, she was also hot, which was undoubtedly a major contributing factor given that we were a pair of gay girls. The funny thing is, neither of us was the type to be massive fans of anyone before that. Yes, we both loved pop music, but we didn’t have any particular icons or idols to speak of. Sarah was different. It all started when we went to our first Girls Aloud concert. For us, Sarah stood out on stage with such presence – and what a voice! As well as that, there was something fascinating about her background and where she came from; the fact that she’d stuck to her guns and fought to achieve her dream for so long before she got a break. That idea that a young woman could have such ambitions, and execute them through sheer force of will, was, to us, inspiring.

  Her on-stage persona seemed wild and crazy – she wasn’t your average pop girl band type, for sure – but our first meeting with Sarah changed our view completely. She came across as kind and sweet and had lots of time for her fans. After that, it was Sarah Harding the person we became fans of, rather than Sarah the pop star.

  We started the website ‘Sarah Harding Addicts’ in 2006, just through chatting on the Girls Aloud official forum. Someone mentioned that Sarah didn’t have a website, and that was it, we were off. When Twitter got big in 2009, we started a Twitter account for the site and then an Instagram page. Sarah was aware of what we were doing from very early on, and she’s always been hugely supportive.

  As well as Sarah, we also loved the band’s music. Girls Aloud are always on in our house and in the car. The only criticism we had was that Sarah never seemed to get enough solo lines. OK, so we might be biased, but to us, she had the best voice, and we always wanted to hear more from her.

  Hearing the news of Sarah’s breast cancer broke out hearts. Having been through it with family members, and with personal experience, it really hit home. Having that knowledge of all the stuff that goes hand-in-hand with breast cancer gave us an insight into what Sarah was going through: the ups and downs of it, the fear of the unknown, the apprehension around each new blood test and scan. When we heard the word ‘advanced’ concerning her illness, we were scared and gutted for her. That’s the one word you just don’t want to hear when you’re going through cancer treatment.

  We recently made Sarah a book of messages and support from all her many fans and well-wishers, full of photographs and about 350 messages. We know she received it on a day when she met up with all the other girls recently and was over the moon with it. That meant everything to us. She even sent us a lovely thank you card.

  Sarah has meant so much to her fans over the years. She’s always had time for us, and never takes us for granted. All we can do now is show our support and make sure she knows how much we love her.

  —Claire Hill and Natasha Young – Sarah Harding Addicts

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  Aside from singing, I think acting was always on the cards for me. When I drew that picture of myself in front of a camera as a child, to me it meant acting.

  Just before our hiatus, I’d been offered the chance to try it, and grabbed it with both hands. I still loved singing and had no intention of giving it up, but I’d also loved drama and acting from when I was very young.

  My first proper role was playing Jade Jennings in a British thriller called Bad Day. I suppose it coul
d be described as a female version of Layer Cake, only with a much lower budget. For that role, I wore a long brunette wig, which would serve to cover up my distinctive blonde crop.

  Bad Day set my foot on the ladder, and in 2009 I got a part in the BBC film Freefall, written by Dominic Savage. The film was set around the start of the financial crisis of 2008. It starred Dominic Cooper as this bad-boy mortgage broker, who sells mortgages to people he knows can’t afford to pay them. Throughout the film, he gets more and more out of control until everything collapses around him. I played his character’s girlfriend, Sam, who was a beautician, and it was a pretty good shout for me. The role wasn’t huge, but people were saying I was good in it. In fact, Company magazine said that I had real acting potential and that I was convincing. I was well happy with that!

  I’d been juggling quite a lot of filming with my Girls Aloud duties. I worried that it was putting some of the girls’ noses out of joint that I was doing other stuff. I remember feeling bad about it, but I didn’t want to miss out on what I saw as great opportunities.

  Once we’d taken our break, I got a part in St Trinian’s 2: The Legend of Fritton’s Gold. As a band, we’d had a cameo in the first St Trinian’s film, but this was, for me, a proper role, and my favourite of all the acting parts I did. In it, I played teenage tearaway Roxy, a new student at the school. I guess you could say it was typecasting, with me being cast as a rebellious type, although Roxy was a lot moodier and cooler than me. Marc Robinson from Globe at Universal brilliantly persuaded Ricky Wilson from the Kaiser Chiefs to play the part of my boyfriend in the movie. He and his band had been guests on our Christmas TV special, The Girls Aloud Party, along with James Morrison.

  During the St Trinian’s filming, I was always being told I had to play it down and not get too excitable.

  ‘Can you be less animated?’ the director would say during takes.

  Christ, can you imagine? Me, the world’s worst fidgeting fire-cracker, trying to calm it down and be less animated; it wasn’t easy, I can tell you.

  The directors explained to me that big head movements and hand gestures would read ten times more prominent on a full-size cinema screen. It was a huge learning curve, but I took it all in and found my way. One of the best things about it was working with our producers, Xenomania, to record some solo tracks for the St Trinian’s soundtrack – one of them being a cover of David Bowie’s classic, ‘Boys Keep Swinging’.

  The film didn’t get the most outstanding reviews, but we had a fun time doing it, and a great cast including Colin Firth, David Tennant, and Rupert Everett as Miss Camilla Fritton.

  Acting was something I could look to once Girls Aloud had come to an end, and it’s something I’d still love to do now if I could. The only downside of it for me was my ‘red light fever’. I’m fine when I’m rehearsing or when I don’t know the camera is on, but I do suffer from nerves as soon as I see the camera is rolling. It was the same when I was in the recording studio; I tense up as soon as we do a take and I never sing as well as I did when we were just doing a practice run. Down the line, when I appeared in a few episodes of Coronation Street, the red light fever was most definitely there. It’s such an iconic show, an institution, and when you’re going on as a short-term character, it’s hard to get into your stride. That was a tough gig for me because it was like I was playing a part that wasn’t a million miles away from the real me. You might imagine that it would be an easy thing to do, but I think I’d have found it more comfortable playing someone who was the complete opposite of myself. Even if I’d had different-coloured hair or a foreign accent, I’d have settled into it more.

  I played Joni, Robert Preston’s wife. She came in all guns blazing, looking for her old man on the cobbles and finding him in a relationship with Tracy Barlow. Corrie is shot at a very fast pace, and they literally threw me in at the deep end. In fact, my very first day on set was pretty much all screaming, crying and slapping. Still, I enjoyed working with Kate Ford, who played Tracy; she’s a lovely girl, and we ended up having a proper giggle together. It’s funny, back when I filmed Bad Day, I had pages of dialogue to learn for a scene on the phone in the back of a car, and I was fine with it. Still, on Corrie, after two or three lines with the iconic Rita Sullivan in The Kabin, my knees turned to jelly.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  When Tommy went to Ibiza for the season to DJ, I was left to my own devices in London. He’d been away working in the past, but after four years together we’d started to grow apart. I’d always trusted him when he was off doing gigs, especially as it was usually one or two nights and he’d be back again. Now he was away for longer and longer periods, and with things the way they were, my mind was working overtime, wondering what the hell he might be up to. It wasn’t as if I could get over there to see him, because I was busy filming Run for Your Wife with Danny Dyer, Denise Van Outen and Neil Morrissey. During the filming, I’d been hanging out with Danny and Neil, and there’d been a fair bit of drinking going on. In fact, my drinking got a bit heavier during that period, especially given the situation between Tommy and me. I missed him, and I found it very tough, but instead of absence making the heart grow fonder, the distance seemed to be driving a wedge between us.

  At one point during my filming schedule, Tommy came to visit me in the hotel where I was staying. He wanted a romantic night in, but I was so tired after a long day, I just wanted to get into the bath and go to bed. In the meantime, I got a message from someone inviting me for drinks in the bar with the director and some of the producers. They wanted to have a chat about how the day had gone, and what the plans were for the following day’s shoot. I wasn’t feeling it at all, but I knew I had to keep everyone happy and play the game.

  ‘We’ll have to go down there,’ I told Tommy. ‘It’s kind of expected.’

  Tom was having none of it, refusing to go. Inevitably, we ended up having an almighty row. I suppose it had been coming for a long time, but it wasn’t pretty. In the end, I asked him to leave the hotel.

  ‘I haven’t got anywhere to go,’ he said.

  My house was in Buckinghamshire by that point, and as we were in west London, home was hardly around the corner.

  ‘Tom, you’ve got your family and all the friends you lived with in London. You need to go and stay with one of them.’

  I know I should have calmed down and made it up with him, but it came after so many weeks of frustration and feeling abandoned, I wasn’t thinking straight. I guess that was the moment when I finally pushed Tommy away. It’s something I’ve never really forgiven myself or taken responsibility for. I’ve never stopped blaming myself. Losing him was one of the biggest mistakes of my life, but we just couldn’t seem to find a way through the impasse. I sometimes think that if it hadn’t been for that night, we might still be in one another’s life. Instead, that’s when it all fell apart.

  Talking about this brings up all sorts of sad thoughts in me. The idea that I’ll never have children. That one came to me the other day when I was talking to Cheryl on the phone. I was saying how we never thought Nadine would be the first one of us to have a child, and that now three of them have kids. It might seem odd to worry about not having children when I don’t even know how much of a life I have left, but it’s there. The truth is, even if my prognosis was better, it still wouldn’t be on the cards because of all the chemotherapy I’ve had. That treatment, harsh as it is, will have killed any chance I might have had. It’s making me cry just thinking about it. I wanted all that back when I was with Tom. I’d planned it out because I’d never before felt anything like I did for him. If I have regrets, these are my biggest ones. And no, it wasn’t all perfect between us. It was often a case of hero to zero as far as our relationship went, from both sides. But everything came from love. There was always love. I knew, even when Tommy was angry with me, he still loved me. He wanted me to be better and kinder to myself. I think that me being me, in the industry I was in, pulled us apart in the end. I was just too much for h
im to handle, and so I lost the love of my life. And my best friend.

  When you’re in the public eye, you sometimes have to make personal sacrifices. It’s one of the payoffs for all the great stuff it can bring. You have to accept that, good or bad, you’re not going to have the same life that the people outside the bubble of fame have. It’s that simple.

  I hate that about fame and celebrity. Is it naive or selfish to want to be able to do the thing you love and still want a normal life? Maybe. I have craved normality. I do want a normal life. A life that now seems even more precious.

  It’s just my mum and me now, and I guess that’s the way it’s going to be from here on in. OK, so I’ve got enough going on without having a man around to deal with, but still … I sometimes think if I’d have done things differently; if I’d not given in to, or played up to, that caricature of ‘Sarah from Girls Aloud’ so often. It could be different now, couldn’t it? There were too many occasions when I took out my own insecurities on people I loved and still do love. If I hadn’t messed up so many times, I might be happy now. I really think I could have been. Who knows?

  The next time I saw Tommy after our break-up was at the wedding of our mutual friend, Michelle Gayle. Tommy was quite frosty, and when we did try to talk, he got tearful.