The Dave Hinchy Code

by Richard Ainsworth

  Chapter 3

  Paper Chase

  “Tobias. This mystery needs some cogitating. I don't like it. I don't like it at all. Postmen pushing old ladies aside and brutally snatching pieces of paper that they nevertheless fervently insist 'mean nothing'. Not good. Really, not good. I won't be happy until I've gotten to the bottom of it.”

  Tobias said nothing. He stretched his neck a little, just to look at the clock and see how long it would be until his next mealtime.

  Ruby studied the paper in silence for ages. All of a sudden she leapt from her chair, shouting as she did so. Tobias was so startled that he fell off the cushion and onto the carpet with a heavy bump.

  “Tobias! Wake the others! Summon the troops! We need a war cabinet meeting immediately! It's time for planning and action! I think I have the germ of an idea!”

  Tobias did not like the sound of this; not only had he been rudely awakened from his mid-morning slumber, but Ruby's outburst seemed to suggest that if she was doing the planning, then he would be doing the action.

  “Oh, Herne. Here we go,” he thought.

  Ruby’s hastily assembled “War Cabinet” consisted of herself, Tobias the cat, a miniature Koi carp named Chen, and a capuchin monkey skull, known as “Eddy”.

  Lest this seem an eccentric gathering, even for a witch of advancing years, a little background information is perhaps in order at this point.

  Chen, the goldfish, is, as a matter of fact, the most eloquent of Ruby's advisers; being, in reality, the re-incarnation of an ancient Chinese sage. As a young man, once upon a time, long, long, long ago, he was the advisor to a powerful, fierce and cruel Emperor Warlord; but some of his advice had proved less than wise, and he had found himself put to death and placed under a curse which had caused him to be re-incarnated, ever after, as a fish. Chen has, over time, resigned himself to his fate. The major problem with his current piscine incarnation is that his attention span and memory can sometimes fail him, usually at a most critical and untimely moment. Thus, half way through working on an important spell with Ruby, he will occasionally stop, and Ruby will hear one of his all-too-familiar outbursts:

  “What was the middle part again? Sorry it's just gone. That's really unlike me. Would you believe it? Oh well, better start again. What were we starting anyway?”

  Taking such minor failings and foibles into account, however, Chen is a wise and stoic counsellor, and surprisingly tolerant of all of those around him who think themselves far more intelligent, street-savvy, etcetera, but sadly fall way below his own high standards, such as...

  Eddy, the Capuchin monkey skull was bought by Ruby years ago on one of her travels up to Inverary in Scotland – or was it from a junk shop in the nearby town of Ramsbottom? – she could never quite remember which. His purpose is more than merely ornamental. Eddy is able to think and speak, and is consulted for magical purposes, clairvoyance and such like. He is surprisingly fastidious for a disembodied, fleshless skull, and possessed of a particularly enervating, shrill, chattering voice.

  Tobias fetched Eddy down from his habitual resting place, the fourth shelf, next to the lavender oil (Eddy always insists the aroma helps him sleep; he also insists that it keeps down the smells caused by “some of the less-desirable inhabitants” of the caravan).

  They all grouped on and around the table. The War Council was in session. Ruby formally opened the meeting and brought it to order:

  “Dearest friends, we are living in the middle of what our Chinese associates would doubtless describe as... 'interesting times’.”

  Chen nodded knowingly and the rest of them just looked blank, waiting for a fuller explanation.

  Ruby then unfurled the ripped and crumpled remains of the note and placed it before them.

  “This is our only clue. Clearly, we need to gather further and more in-depth intelligence, so that we can more accurately ascertain exactly what dastardly (and no doubt dark) arts are at work in our little village.”

  Ruby paused a moment, and looked, soberly and meaningfully, at each of those gathered, ensuring that they all fully understood the gravity of the situation. Then she continued in an intense, yet urgent voice, almost as if she were planning a covert military operation:

  “I shall, therefore, delegate tasks for each of us to accomplish. Tobias, you are naturally stealthy and nocturnal...”

  “For that... Read 'lazy',” Eddy sneered.

  Ruby froze him with a look, and then carried on with her plan:

  “Nevertheless... I wish you to go and stick to Dave Hinchy like glue. He is presently our only suspect. I require you to watch him, follow him, make note of his every move and acquaintance. Then report back to me. I have a feeling it will not be too long until David shows his hand by doing something silly. When he left here today he was quite rattled, and, not being the first in the queue when brains were being handed out, I believe he shall make a blunder soon enough that will reveal the full nature of his involvement in... whatever dark doings are occurring. Chen, you will stay here and command the 'Communications Hub', relaying despatches from Tobias to myself and Eddy, and vice versa.”

  “You mean I am to sit here, wait, and pass on idle chit-chat?”

  “Basically, yes. But it is highly essential work. Eddy will be coming with me, for I feel I need to visit and consult with Pearl.”

  Tobias lifted his head and raised a curious eyebrow: “Pearl...?”

  “My twin sister, Pearl.”

  “Oh... yeah... Pearl. That Pearl.” Tobias shrugged non-committally. “She's a singer. She stands up when she plays the piano...”

  In return, Ruby gave him a hard, meaningful look.

  “Surely, Tobias, you cannot have forgotten her already?”

  “You know how it is,” Eddy shrieked, “His tiny brain's far too focused on food to retain any other information!”

  Tobias shrugged again, but didn't contract him.

  “Be that as it may,” Ruby continued, “I feel the need for a... secondary perspective in considering the particular composition, substance and meaning of this paper; its contents, both visible and invisible – for I have a feeling that there is more to this idle note than at first meets the eye!”

  There were groans from all round; Ruby had never been very good with jokes. Undeterred, by the failure of this latest attempt at levity, she continued:

  “Are we all crystal clear about our missions and objectives? Very good. Tally Ho! And off we jolly well go! Good hunting, chaps.”

  Ruby sprang spryly from the table, scooped up Eddy and the paper, and popped them into her handbag. She made sure Chen was safely positioned in the centre of the table, ushered Tobias out of the door, shut it, locked it, jumped into her little silver coloured car and rumbled off down the road.

  Chen listened, contentedly to the reassuring purr of Ruby's car engine fading off into the distance.

  “Alone. Peace, serenity and sanity at last. Bliss!”

  He closed his eyes and positioned himself comfortably at the bottom of his crystal bowl. He expected a long and uneventful wait...

  **********

  Tobias, meantime, was padding his way dutifully over to Dave's home. As he did so he chunnered to himself that he didn't really see the point of what he was doing. As far as Tobias was aware, the only things Dave the Postman ever did was go to work, deliver letters, go home, play his banjo and then go to bed. Every blooming day.

  Arriving opposite Dave's small cottage, Tobias found a vantage point on the wall and stretched out, making himself as comfortable as he could, given the circumstances. This was going to be a long day. Even from this distance he could hear Dave tuning up his banjo and practising the musical scales, again and again and again.

  And again.

  Tobias nestled further down into a cavity in the wall and steeled himself for several seemingly endless hours of total boredom...

  Chapter 4

  Pearls of Wisdom

  Pearl and Magpie Jack, her familiar, greeted Ruby a
t the door.

  Pearl's cottage was so old that it had seen a lot of the original witch purges back in the sixteenth and seventeenth centuries. The walls were of solid, rugged, local stone, painted with a simple whitewash – and not one of them was straight. The décor was more traditional than Ruby's eastern-influenced caravan furnishings, but like Ruby's home, it had masses of books, scrolls, jars, bottles, canisters, this, that, and the other, piled upon every available shelf and surface. The old place might have been a little draughty, now and again, especially in the winter time, but it was very homely and there was always a comforting smell of something baking or cooking within its walls. Pearl’s speciality was herbal remedies for common ailments, but she could also give Mrs Beaton a run for her money in the kitchen.

  “I've been expecting you!” Pearl smiled (Her greeting was hardly surprising, given that Pearl, too, is a witch and has her own methods of divination).

  Ruby and Pearl went through into the lounge and sat at Pearl's central dining table. It was a very old table, made of oak, with very heavy, chunky legs, crudely carved and almost black with age, but extremely sturdy; a table that had seen many, many meetings of witches and had had a multitude of spells cast over it over the years.

  Ruby retrieved Eddy from her bag. He had NOT enjoyed the journey here at all.

  “Lord alone knows what she's had in that bag over the years,” he reflected, miserably: “Dust, insects, mice, toads… and that’s just some of the nicer things. All very unhygienic as a mode of transport, and surely it must break some health and safety laws somewhere…”

  Ruby placed him on the table top, telling him simply to be quiet and to focus his fertile imagination on the problem in hand.

  Eddy retorted that he wasn't really that bothered about was “in hand”; he was more concerned – in fact downright alarmed – about what had been “in bag.”

  “Honestly! When was the last time you cleaned that thing out? It was like the black hole of Calcutta in there! Disgraceful. Haven't you heard of dust mites? My sinuses will play havoc with me for weeks now; I'll be a total martyr to them. I can feel it coming on even now,” he wailed.

  Ruby again told him to be quiet and to stop being such a drama queen; rather ungraciously pointing out that it had, in fact, been many, many years since Eddy had even owned any sinuses.

  During this altercation Pearl had brought her huge self-filling silver samovar over to the table, setting it down with a deep, satisfying 'clunk'. Magpie Jack immediately perched himself on the top of it to gain an overall view of the proceedings. The samovar continued to emit a reassuring and soothing hiss of steam.

  “Tea will help the brain cells,” assured Pearl.

  “Given the amount of tea in that thing, you don't appear to have much confidence in any of us,” screeched Eddy.

  Pearl said nothing, but gave Eddy a look which told him two things:

  1) Shut up.

  2) If Pearl was short of confidence in anybody around this table, it was him.

  Eddy went quiet. It is never a good idea to upset a witch, especially in her own home; particularly if you might have to drink some potion that she has prepared, even if it's only a cup of tea. You never know what you might end up as.

  With Eddy silent at last, Ruby was able to focus, finally, on the reason for her visit. Reaching again into her bag, she drew out the surviving scrap of Dave Hinchy’s mysterious letter and placed it on the table for all to see.

  A telling quietness descended. Nobody offered any opinions.

  Silence.

  The samovar steamed leisurely as they all stared at the blank scrap in front of them.

  Still nothing. More silence.

  Hours seemed to pass, as they gazed and gazed, and all to no avail.

  Finally, Eddy could stand it no longer. He was becoming insanely frustrated with the two witches’ lack of action.

  “Oh what's the skulling point? We've hundreds of years experience between us! Why don't we give it the good old fashioned 'smoke it out’ treatment? You two... ” (indicating Ruby and Pearl) “ … Dim and Dimmer – use your hocus-pocus. What else are you here for? Morris dancing? Blimey, you wait countless centuries for a witch, then two of them turn up at once, and, just like buses, neither of them knows where they are going. Typical. This would never have happened back in good old John Dee's day, I'm telling you that for nothing!”

  Ruby and Pearl had to concede that Eddy did have a point, no matter how contemptuously and bitterly he made it.

  “Perhaps he's right. We could try a little simple alchemy, I suppose. Assuming that the means of hiding information was fairly basic, then it could work… And let's face it, if someone was hiding something for Dave, then the means would have to be pretty basic for him to have even a remote chance of finding it.”

  Pearl stood up and started to scan the contents of her shelves. What would be the ideal catalyst to reveal anything that was there? Sulphur? No. Too smelly and noxious. Magnesium? No. Far too bright and harsh. Sodium? Too unpredictable and far too yellow. No. They were thinking too deeply. What would Dave have access to in order to reveal any secret messages? Pearl looked from shelf to shelf. Potassium? No. Jellied toad spleen? No. It was not likely Dave would have that in his cupboard. Think simple…

  Suddenly, Pearl smiled to herself, snapped her fingers, picked up the paper and walked towards her oven. Ruby, Eddy and Magpie Jack watched in bemusement, wondering just what she was up to. Pearl glanced over her shoulder, saw the expressions on their faces, smiled to herself and declared:

  “Observe. Simplicity itself...”

  She put the paper onto a baking tray, opened the oven, withdrew a particularly fine walnut cake and replaced it with the baking tray and paper.

  “Five minutes, please,” she cooed, as the wonderful scent of a perfect walnut cake wafted over to them.

  There was a certain amount of whispered discussion among those left at the table, but each was too uncertain of Pearl's motives to obstruct her. They waited impatiently, but quietly. Even Eddy kept his bony jaw silent. Finally...

  “And now the moment of truth!”

  Pearl took a look at her wrist watch, put on her well-worn oven gloves, pulled out the black enamel baking tray, and placed it, together with its contents, down on the table in front of them all. The paper had turned a crispy, cooked, golden-yellow, and there were a number of apparently fresh markings on it, etched out in a faint sepia-brown colour. She raised her eyebrows in an 'I told you so' kind of look, and announced, matter-of-factly.

  “Lemon juice. The oldest and simplest form of invisible ink. Any schoolboy who's ever read a James Bond novel could have told you. Write your secret message in lemon juice, and then heat to reveal. Simple. Even Dave must have a method of cooking in his home.”

  “I bet it took him six goes in the microwave to work it out,” chirped Eddy.

  “No matter,” interrupted Ruby. “Let us unravel the paper and see if we can unravel this mystery at one and the same time.”

  Taking great care not to tear the paper, Pearl gently unfolded and unfurled it, and they all studied its newly-revealed contents.

  Exposed by the heat was an illustration. The central image was of a simple urn – or was it a chalice? Inscribed over it were a six and a nine. In the middle of the urn, or chalice, were what appeared to be a drawing of the top surface of a gemstone, and, almost at the bottom of it, a ball, or an orb, or something. The whole image was contained within a seven pointed star.

  Ruby was stunned: “Post centum quod viginti anos patebo.”

  “What??!!” they all exclaimed.

  “‘After one hundred and twenty years I will reopen.’ It is a phrase used by a mysterious and secretive society. The Latin words foretell the opening of a portal through which knowledge – and maybe other... things... of questionable origin – may be manifest. The general symbolism is exactly the sort of thing that this particular society would use... Their original raison d’être was to promote a programme of
research and reformation of the sciences, a very... 'Germanic' view for the fifteenth and sixteenth centuries. Very esoteric, deep and smoky. You know the kind of thing, all long gowns and chanting at midnight to the moon. Complete loonies, the lot of them, don't you agree? Good gracious. The seven-pointed star. I didn't expect that. Now, that is cunning...”

  The questions still remained: If such a society did exist what would it want here, in the small village of Widdowshins? What power or portal could call it here, to this small, insignificant place in the North of England? What could it wish to gain? Ruby breathed in heavily, held her breath and pondered deeply. Then she raised her head from her breast and looked slowly around at all of those gathered. Finally, her eyes brightened, as if a mist were lifting and things were becoming clearer.

  “The symbolism is more apparent to me now. The seven-pointed star is a symbol, both alchemic and mystic, of self-enclosure. It denotes Oneness. A group, or a secret. Maybe both. The seeds of the seven metals lie within, so… Promises of success and wealth, maybe? Pricking at the greed within all of us? The central image seems to be that of an urn... Hmmm. Cornucopia? Again, promising bounty... Or is it a chalice, something of a more... religious nature. The Grail?”

  Ruby was losing herself in her own thoughts; just speaking them aloud as they occurred, oblivious to the others – almost as if she were enchanted by the rust-brown image on the pale yellow, crispy paper:

  “In any case it will be a fundamental visual link to wherever this group or 'society' is based – because we‘re definitely dealing with some sort of secret society here. The imagery of gemstones surrounding the star leads me to suspect that the circle at the base of the urn, or whatever it is, may represent a pearl, and, if this is the case, then that, in turn, suggests the moon, water, or even the good lady Mary... Hmmm... If the pearl is the moon, then are the gems stars? Seven stars? And the sixty nine above the urn? Cancer! Aha, yes! The crab! Watery and nocturnal! Untiringly persistent for what they most desire in life. This is all too neat! Far too carefully thought out for our foggy-brained little banjo-player. Hmmm... I have a feeling that Dave does not fully grasp what he is involved with. It all smacks of an overzealous sect, or an order, possibly religious in nature… but I have a grave fear that some of David's cohorts in this escapade are also deluded and do not fully comprehend what they have become embroiled with. There are riddles within riddles here, each spun to deceive and deflect from the original purpose. Under the guise of doing good, I believe that there is A-Bad-Un at work here, and by that phrase, we all know who I mean. Don't we?”