The Dave Hinchy Code

by Richard Ainsworth

  He looked directly at Ruby and Pearl and carried on his stride.

  “I am here to tell you all, each and every one of you, that things are going to be very different around here from now on.”

  As he spoke the last few sentences, there was the sudden sound of distant drumming and humming, accompanied by some kind of herald's trumpet and a chorus of voices; all out of tune, and yet – not.

  The noise grew ever louder until it seemed to surround the whole village; a thrumming sound, like that of horses' hooves on a dry race course, beating out a relentless tempo. In time, out of time. In time, out of time. Pounding, thunderous drums. Squalling, shrieking brass, a howling choir of tormented, suffering voices. On and on and on. Louder and louder.

  Soon the cacophony started to take on a life of its own. It was racing around and around the villagers; pure sonic energy, wrapping them within it, like a tornado of sound.

  The light began to fade with a quite unnatural rapidity, until the only illumination remaining was that from the braziers on which the folk roast was to be cooked. The burning embers cast long, malevolent black shadows across everything and the meagre light was tinged a hellish, sinister, claustrophobic red.

  The scent from the roses grew ever more cloying, stifling, suffocating. The plants became thick bushes. The bushes became tangled thorn-trees, surrounding the churchyard, cutting off all escape.

  Still the beat went on.

  Devizes and Nutter were grinning widely. Hariman appeared to have grown in size and stature. Dave had dropped to his knees in adoration of him.

  The villagers had begun looking around at one another in terror; searching for some kind of explanation; some kind of reassurance. Any kind of reassurance.

  What was going on? Was this some kind of sick joke that only Hariman and his partners understood? Was it a cabaret conjuring trick, maybe? A theatrical performance?

  But there was no such comfort to be had.

  As the seconds ticked by, and the whirling and howling noise continued, so the concern and fear grew.

  Now the noise had a voice. It was chanting, in and out of time to the thrumming and drumming and discordant brass.

  Dave, Devizes and Nutter, recognized and joined in with the evil unholy chant.

  “Siras! Etar! Besanar!” they shrieked.

  Faster and faster whirled the noise.

  Louder and louder was the chant.

  “Siras! Etar! Besanar!”

  Throughout the mayhem, Hariman continued his speech as if nothing at all untoward were occurring. He cared not if any of the villagers were listening. This was HIS day. He was talking at them, not to them. He had hit his verbal stride and was in full-on megalomaniac mode:

  “Do you, any of you, actually think that I enjoyed being trapped in this small, sickly, shrivelled pink cocoon? This wretched mortal body?”

  The chorus of noises had sharply risen again, matching Hariman’s hatred word for word, decibel for decibel.

  “Do any of you seriously believe that I was even vaguely interested in you when you came into my surgery with your puny, pathetic complaints; your aches and pains and self-inflicted diseases? Really? Do you? Do you think that I – Me! – could be even remotely bothered with such minuscule matters as your life or death! You worthless maggots!”

  Hariman had grown and grown during his tirade. He glared openly at the crowd now, defying any one of them to challenge him.

  The sky was as black as a raven’s wing; the drumming, thrumming hooves, trumpets and chanting were at deafening levels, whipping around the assembled villagers. The tornado of sound had started to pick up loose bits of bric a brac and hurl them at the wretched crowd, who could only huddle and duck, duck and cover, but had nowhere safe to flee to.

  Magpie Jack was being battered and blown about; desperately clinging onto his foot-hold in the tree, while twigs, branches and leaves were all ripped from around him and used to soundly beat him, to slap him off his perch, out of the tree and into the maelstrom, where he would be dashed into a thousand pieces.

  Trixie and Bubble clung to the Mayor – who for the first time in his entire life, both political and personal, found himself utterly speechless.

  Reverend Phullaposi clutched his cross, he prayed fervently and desperately, while the turmoil continued unabated around him.

  Devizes and Nutter were frantically dancing a reel together, arm in arm, screaming and chanting along with the wind’s voice, their booted feet stomping and thudding on the rough wooden plank floor of the podium.

  Hariman was still carrying on, as if totally oblivious to what was happening before his very eyes.

  “Behold!”

  There was a huge crash of thunder and a searing, sizzling bolt of purple-blue lightening. Where once the sour-faced village Doctor had been standing, there was now another, far more imposing figure. It was Hariman still, but in his true form; bigger, though still somewhat crouched; humanoid, but scaly, with bat-like wings and great, gnarled horns protruding from his knobbly forehead. His eyes were now entirely lizard-like; their colour a deep, pulsating amber.

  The crowd, which had, to a man and woman, already been terrified before this point, now wigged out completely. They gasped, screamed, and, as one, clawed at each other in their haste to get away from this sudden vision of Hell. In their scrambling, careless haste, they only succeeded in crashing into one another, falling over what was left of the stalls, being hit by the various broken bits of wood, pottery, and food that were being flung around in the wind like the contents of a huge, out of control blender.

  Hariman watched, contented. Devizes and Nutter continued their jig, screeching in delight at the chaos they were party to.

  Another crash of thunder, and the whistling wind increased the misery still further, forming an ugly accompaniment to the evil choral cacophony and the pulsating, throbbing rhythm that was now all pervading; seeming to come from everywhere, and nowhere, all at once.

  Magpie Jack could feel his grip on the branch weakening, starting to slip. He could feel the maelstrom pulling him towards it.

  Tobias hung on to the frame of the podium, wishing for all he was worth that this was just a terrible dream, brought on by eating a slightly 'off' kipper and that any moment he would wake up, safe, warm and back by the stove in Ruby’s caravan.

  Fat chance. This was all-too-real.

  Ruby and Pearl tried to remain fixed where they were, quietly concentrating, while all around them people were running, shouting, screaming, crying, kicking, biting, punching and clawing their way over each other, in their attempts to escape, and all to no avail.

  Thunder crashed yet again. Lightning split the sky.

  Hariman continued his ranting, his voice growing ever louder:

  “Come! Come hither, all my dark compatriots! Come! All ye who dwell in the blackest regions of shadow! Come! All ye who wish to run riot and wreck havoc in this twee, chocolate box world! In the name of all that is selfish in heart! Come! Gather unto this sign! For I am Ahriman! The guardian of the gate! The Demon! The Watcher!”

  Hariman had revealed his true self at last.

  Devizes and Nutter dropped prostrate on their stomachs. Dave sharply followed suite. Hariman raised the talisman from around his neck, turned to face the East and offered it up to the sky.

  The Mayor had seen enough for one day. He shoved Trixie and Bubbles from him and, with a single bound, he leapt from the stage, shouting as he did so:

  “Bye! You can take this as my resignation! I didn’t want the piggin' Mayor’s job in the first place!”

  He scampered off the car park. He'd use the Mayoral Limo to smash through the barrier of rose trees if he had to.

  Reverend Phullaposi remained rooted to the spot; he just increased the intensity of his prayers.

  “Now!” shouted Ruby above the almighty din.

  Ruby and Pearl heaved with all their might on the two slender, silvery and incredibly strong ropes they had surreptitiously attached to the corn
er legs at the front of the stage before Hariman had begun his speech. As they pulled, and the podium collapsed towards them, Magpie Jack took his cue, hurling himself down, like a dive-bomber, from the tree, and snatching the talisman out of Ahriman’s flailing scaly claws.

  Down tumbled Ahriman, and right on top of him went Devizes, Nutter and Dave, looking for all the world like a rather large pile of lumpy, mistreated dirty laundry.

  Magpie Jack whirled around against the wind and tossed the talisman from his beak to the waiting Tobias.

  Ahriman was incandescent with rage. Disentangling himself from the others, he scrabbled off the floor and pointed towards the fleeing tabby cat.

  “Stop that cat. Fools!” he roared.

  “Why do I always get lumbered with the filthy jobs?” Tobias wondered.

  Talisman dangling precariously from his mouth, he scampered across the ground as fast as his little legs, the wind and the un-cut grass would allow, hotly pursued by Devizes, Nutter, Dave and Ahriman, who were in turn being followed close at heel by Magpie Jack, Ruby, Pearl and Reverend Phullaposi – all of them hampered by the whirlwind of noise and flying bits of wood, hardboard and canvas that was all that remained of the village fête stalls.

  “After him! Kill him! Retrieve what is mine and restore it to me!” Insanity was creeping into Ahriman's voice.

  Poor little Tobias struggled towards his previously-agreed destination, while all of the time the wind whipped the debris around, forcing him to dive this way and that; utilizing all of his feline stealth and agility to avoid getting caught or injured.

  Ruby and Pearl knew exactly where Tobias was headed and redoubled their own efforts to get there.

  Reverend Phullaposi didn’t have a clue where he was headed; he just followed this strange relay race of cat, postman, witches and demon. Not the average end to a village Summer fête, he had to concede to himself, but one, he felt, that would make for slightly more interesting reading than usual in the next edition of the parish newsletter.

  Tobias could see his target location ahead, and with a final bound, he leapt through the door.

  It was totally black inside.

  And where exactly was our talisman-toting feline friend?

  Nowhere other than the Privy of Simon!

  Crash! Bang! went the door, as it swung wildly open, kicked in by the clawed foot of Ahriman.

  He barrelled into the room, the others right behind him.

  “Give!”

  Ahriman’s clawed and scaly fingers reached out to Tobias, scraping at the air, as if trying to make it suck the talisman from his paws.

  Slowly and with a menace that did not invite any refusal, Ahriman smouldered.

  “Give”.

  Cornered, Tobias looked frantically around for either support or escape.

  He was scared witless.

  Chapter 21

  Hariman Learns Not To Take The Mike

  ‘Click’.

  It was a tiny, barely audible sound, but somehow it cut right through the tense atmosphere in the tiny outhouse, which now appeared to have grown in size and space. Everybody turned to see what the ‘clack’ noise was.

  It was the sound of Ruby, locking the door.

  She pocketed the key, looked up, and tapped her athame thrice on the wall. It glowed with an eerily cold blue light. She blinked a couple of times and smiled serenely:

  “Now that I have everyone's attention…”

  The room became extremely quiet; nobody moved so much as a hair on their heads.

  “Firstly, I’d like to say how disappointed I am with you, David. You have been given numerous opportunities for repentance but you seem to have foregone them all in the vain and shallow hope of material glorification. Hang your head in shame. Doctor Hariman, Ahriman or whatever fancy-pants theatrical title you have decided to award yourself this week, I offer you one last opportunity to refrain from your hideous mission and descend back into the Pit of your own free will, thereby foregoing any pain or suffering that shall be visited upon you should you choose to remain. Devizes and Nutter, you loathsome articles! Get thee out of my sight and fly! Hie ye back to the Harz Mountains, flee to the Black Forest and take your infernal kith and kin with you! Do it now, or woe betide you! I give you all until the count of five to submit to these demands. One… Two… Three…”

  Ahriman let out a bellowing laugh that shook the walls. The whirlwind outside appeared to have joined them within the privy.

  “Are you mocking me, witch? Are you trying to... threaten me?”

  “Mocking, no. Threatening, yes.” Ruby's face was intensely serious. “Tobias... Drop the talisman down the toilet. Flush it away, back to the rest of the filth with which it belongs.”

  All attention was suddenly focused on the small, frightened feline, clutching the talisman between his teeth. Tobias edged cautiously closer to the lavatory bowl.

  Ahriman lunged for him. Reverend Phullaposi hurled himself at the Demon.

  Ahriman casually side-swiped the Reverend out of the way, with as little effort as he’d make shooing off a bothersome gnat on a Summer’s evening.

  The Reverend was knocked out, cold. He slumped, unquestionably unconscious, to the damp, cold, concrete floor of the privy.

  Tobias leapt from Ahriman’s grasping claws and into Ruby’s arms.

  The Demon twisted and spat. He coiled himself up and, in one and the same move, sprang at Ruby.

  Tobias leapt again, tossing the accursed talisman into the air. It was caught by Magpie Jack, even as Alice Nutter and Liz Devizes both scrambled, clawing at the empty air after it.

  Ahriman was hurtling towards Ruby when he noticed that she was aiming her newly-consecrated athame straight at his chest.

  He stopped, just short of being a Demon kebab, seething and smoking, hissing with rage.

  The blade glowed angrily.

  Devizes and Nutter were still trying to flail down Magpie Jack. He was holding on tightly to the talisman for all he was worth, but was finding it increasingly difficult to avoid the evil hags in the confined space of the privy. He flapped his wings, beating and blinding the old crones with them. They cursed and shrieked in their anger and frustration, threatening all manner of unpleasantness should they ever lay hands on him.

  Ahriman feigned a second lunge and Ruby sliced fruitlessly at the air. He sprang again to the left, and then again, to the right. Ruby’s blade slashed nothing but the dank, cloying atmosphere within the outhouse.

  On the next attempt, Ruby parried Ahriman’s attack – and as she did so he viciously slapped the blade from her hand.

  'Cling!'

  It bounced harmlessly off the walls and off to the left of them, scattering its bluish light this way and that, making all of the shadows in the room lurch drunkenly and violently, one way and then the other.

  Ahriman seized his chance of victory, clutching Ruby about the throat, trying to choke the very life from her, his evil amber lizard eyes staring directly into hers.

  “Die! Die! Die! Troublesome bane!”

  His claws closed tighter and tighter around Ruby’s frail old neck, while Pearl struggled frantically to beat him back and to drag Ruby away from his merciless attentions.

  Dave continued to watch with interest, fear and excitement from the shadows.

  Magpie Jack had now succeeded in flinging the Talisman back to Tobias, who in turn was trying to get to the lavatory bowl so he could deposit the hateful object back where it belonged as quickly as possible. Screaming in rage, Devizes and Nutter dived after the darting, dodging cat, and Magpie Jack flew directly into their faces, slashing at them with his clawed feet, pecking at them with his sharp, bony, black beak, beating at them with his wings; anything to buy Tobias a further few precious seconds to complete his appointed task.

  ‘Splosh!’

  Down went the talisman into the bowl. Tobias flopped off the cistern and grabbed at the handle, which caused a cascade of water to flush it straight into the murky water of the toilet �
� causing it to disappear down and around the U-bend away into who knew where.

  “Nooooooo!” screamed Ahriman, and the whole room vibrated at the same pitch. He let go of Ruby and lunged towards Tobias and the lavatory in some insane hope of retrieving the talisman.

  The scream awoke Reverend Phullaposi, who scratched around groggily and picked the athame from the floor, where it had lain, discarded and ignored, throughout the melee.

  The Reverend scrambled to his feet and advanced upon the Demon with a sense of determination and purpose that he had only ever read about in some of the more violent sections of the Bible. In his mind, a bit of the ‘old righteous smiting’ was in order. He approached Ahriman from behind and with both hands gripped tight around it, raised the athame as high as he could, so that his blow would have some force. Just as he was about to plunge the blade down into Ahriman's spine, however, Dave finally decided to act, and rugby tackled the clergyman from the rear.

  Despite all of Ruby's attempts at forward-planning, the confrontation had quickly descended into chaos. Now she, Pearl, and Ahriman were tangled up in a desperate scrum; Magpie Jack and Nutter and Devizes were flapping and flailing, hopeless and clueless, around the room; the Reverend and Dave were rolling about on the floor each trying to gain possession of Ruby’s athame. There was a lot of noise and cursing coming from all of them, and no real progress being made by any.

  Finally, Ruby managed to bite Ahriman on the thumb. He howled in pain, and released his grip. She seized her chance and was lucky enough to commando-roll free – quite a feat for an aging and rheumatic witch. She stumbled quickly to her feet, gulped down some desperately needed air, and from the pouch around her neck produced the small, silver topped Communion vial she had earlier ‘borrowed’ from the church.

  Above all of the mayhem and the pounding noise Ruby drew a pentagram in the air using her index finger. She drew the star in the manner that invoked the spirit of the air and spoke the words of invocation: