Don't Stop Believing

by Eve Langlais

  Why?

  “I told you she’d be judgy about it,” my daughter muttered to Jace.

  In that one statement I knew why she’d kept it a secret. Because her new boyfriend was a man old enough to date me. A man I’d had a few lusty thoughts about. But Jace had chosen someone else, just like I was with someone else.

  “Congratulations on getting together. That’s awesome. Really, I’m so happy. With you next door, we’ll be able to visit whenever we want. It will be great for grandkids.” I wanted to slap myself, I certainly mentally winced as I proceeded to go overboard in how okay it was that my early-twenties daughter was dating a guy almost twice her age. Apparently, I wasn’t as progressive as I liked to think.

  “Mom!” Winnie exclaimed. “Why must you be like this?”

  Maybe because I’d seen her make bad choices before? “How long?” I asked.

  “Not long. We wanted to tell you.”

  But feared my reaction. Great. Tiptoe around the midlife psychotic widow.

  “There you are. I’ve been looking for you.” Darryl’s purr tickled me as he tugged me close. I’d never been happier to be rescued.

  “Let’s dance,” I demanded, turning into him, seeking the distraction of his allure.

  “I would love to,” he drawled.

  Lucky me, the music slowed as we got onto the area designated as a dance floor. It was dark enough that I could cling tight to Darryl as we rocked in a circle. His hands were on my hips, mine on his shoulders, head on his chest, eyes closed. When I did open them, it was to see only Darryl and I were dancing in the time-honored circle. The rest of the people did magic with movement. Couples weaved and dipped, a seamless synchronicity that mesmerized. Swoop. Twirl. Bow.

  How did they move in time? It was the kind of thing that took hours, months, of practice.

  It enthralled me. Filled me. Energized me.

  The song ended, and Darryl pushed a drink into my hands. I was hot. Flushed. I gulped it, but the sweetness didn’t quench. I set it down, more than half full, and danced again, glued to Darryl. Rubbing against him wantonly. It might have been shameful if everyone else wasn’t doing it, too.

  Inhibitions were lowered, and I was one of them. Running my fingers through his hair. Grinding myself against him. So hot he could have dragged me off to a corner and I would not have protested.

  Midnight drew close, and I decided I should freshen up.

  “I need to use the ladies’ room.”

  “Of course.” He escorted me to the swinging doors that led to the hall with the washrooms. “I’ll wait here for you.”

  “Hopefully there’s no line,” I quipped. Giddy, I almost skipped into the bathroom. I did my business, listening as people entered and left in a steady stream.

  I emerged and washed my hands. As I dried them on a paper towel, I clued into a conversation between stalls.

  “I don’t know how he’s doing it. He usually only has the most beautiful women in his bed.”

  “It’s got to be killing him to fake it. She’s gross,” was the higher-pitched reply. It was shades of the lingerie store all over again.

  “I wonder if he’ll close his eyes when he has to fuck her.”

  I almost gasped at the cruelty of their words. I wondered who they spoke of because, quite honestly, the majority of people at the party were gorgeous.

  The toilets flushed as I hurried to toss the paper towel away. Then a stall door opened before I could leave and a woman a bit younger than me with silver hair pinned atop her head stared at me, eyes wide. The stall beside ejected a shorter woman with a platinum pixie cut.

  “Hi,” I muttered as I stepped past. No reply. I shoved through the exit, but the door hadn’t shut when I heard a shocked, “She’s even worse looking up close.”

  “No wonder he’s getting so drunk.”

  That was definitely about me, and it kicked me in the gut. I leaned against the wall to steady myself.

  Bitches.

  They were obviously catty and jealous that Darryl chose me. I clung to that desperately as a lifeline, but their barbs struck home and burrowed into that insecure part of me that still existed. Was I good enough?

  I knew my shortcomings. The crinkles at the corners of my eyes and around my lips, the gray in my hair hidden by my hairdresser. But every woman my age had those. I couldn’t stop getting older. Just like I could do nothing for below the neck where the weight loss and change in body shape left flabby bits behind.

  Darryl would be the first man in more than twenty years to see me in all my glory and faults. He’d touch skin ravaged by pregnancy and weight and age.

  I wanted to be sick. What if he didn’t like what he saw? What if he couldn’t get an erection like Martin my ex? Martin had claimed I was the reason he couldn’t get hard and didn’t want sex.

  What if… What if those women were right?

  What if they’re just bitches and I’m being old Naomi? Old Naomi let other people decide her self-worth. Old Naomi didn’t feel good enough and thought people hated her.

  What did I care what two twats thought about me? I was here with Darryl because he wanted to be with me.

  I couldn’t let anxiety, fueled by alcohol, take me down any dark paths. No more booze.

  As I emerged from the hallway, I glanced to see the party in full swing. Darryl still stood where I’d left him.

  He smiled at me. No one else. That meant something.

  I tried to find that bubble of happiness from before, only I couldn’t relax. My gaze darted around the room, and I would have sworn I saw eyes upon us, judging and disdainful. Lips twisted in disgust.

  It had to be the booze. I was getting paranoid. My anxiety was obviously exacerbated by the amount of people and alcohol. I just needed to sober up.

  About ten minutes before midnight, I left his side, telling him I needed to use the bathroom again. As I splashed water on my face, I told myself to stop being stupid. It was almost midnight. I should be in Darryl’s arms, preparing to kiss him.

  I exited the bathroom and glanced up the hall toward the party. The noise. The music. The crushing heat. I knew what I needed. A few minutes in the fresh air. The far end of the hall had a door marked exit.

  That was exactly what I needed. I headed for it and pushed the waist-high, metal bar to swing it open. I stepped outside. The door hung in place. I’d hate to be locked out.

  I stepped outside, and the cold night air surrounded me. Bathed my flushed skin. Filled my lungs. I took a step and then another down the short flight of stairs, hitting the ground and hugging myself.

  Already I felt better. Clearer. It might have been relaxing if the door hadn’t closed.

  18

  I stared in utter disbelief at the stupid door. Apparently, it was on some kind of timer, because it shut all by itself. With no handle on the outside, it couldn’t be opened. Talk about a dumb design.

  I’d have to see if I could get someone’s attention. Was anyone in the hall? Rapid tapping and then a press of my ear on the door didn’t net me a rescuer. I’d have to go around.

  I’d almost made it to the corner when I heard some voices.

  A female purred, “You poor thing. Once you’ve done your duty, come see me. I’ll make you forget her.”

  I froze rather than round the corner and step past the lovers. Good thing, too, because the next voice froze me.

  “I’ll be thinking of you as I’m fucking her. Maybe you should give me a hand to get me started,” was Darryl’s reply.

  I died in that moment. Completely and utterly shattered.

  Darryl wasn’t into me. Then why the charade? Why pretend?

  I knew the sounds of kissing, and still I couldn’t walk away. “I have to go,” he said. “It’s almost midnight.”

  “Think of me when you kiss her.”

  “I already do.”

  I bit my fist lest I make a sound. I hurt. Bad. I was also really freaking cold. I wanted my coat and boots, but I couldn’t go inside. C
ouldn’t face him. Anyone.

  Why? Why would he do this to me?

  The voices disappeared, and despite my garb, I hunched my shoulders and marched into the parking lot, wishing the lights were less bright. My anger wouldn’t keep me warm for long. Maybe I could find someone to hitch a ride with.

  Or I could call someone. I had my purse and my phone. Geoff would come get me. As I kept marching, I dug into the bag. A clutch purse that didn’t have much room. It also didn’t have my phone.

  Seriously?

  “Argh!” I threw the purse, scattering my gloss and identification, as if anyone would have carded me for booze. “Can’t I get a break?” I screamed to the sky, tears rolling down my cheeks. I scrubbed at them even as I wondered, now what?

  “What happened, sweetheart?” A rustle from a shadow between two cars turned into Kane, a cigarette dangling from his fingers.

  “Since when do you smoke?” Stupid thing to say, but flustered, I tried to pretend nonchalance.

  “When I’m stressed, which is a lot more often these days.” He tossed the glowing butt. “You haven’t said why you’re out here, no boots or coat.”

  “Because you were right. I’m a shitty judge of character.”

  “What did Darryl do?”

  “Let’s just say he’s not the man I thought he was.” I couldn’t look at Kane and glanced down spotting the brooch Darryl gave me. I couldn’t remove it fast enough and I threw it, not wanting it anywhere near me.

  “Is this the wrong time to say I told you so?

  “You were right.” My words tasted of lemony bitterness. I began marching past him, no idea how I’d walk miles to town but so fucking sick of it all.

  “Where are you going?”

  “Somewhere that isn’t here.”

  “You’ll freeze. Get back inside.”

  “No. I’d rather take my chances with winter.” Probably the dumbest, most emotional thing I’d said, which was why I sighed. “Where’s your car?”

  He pointed. We were leaning on it.

  “You can’t leave,” he said. “It’s almost midnight.”

  “And? Another day, more bullshit. You were so right. And I knew better. Knew…” The words faded off in defeat. Would I add whining to the list of my failures?

  “Ah, sweetheart.” Kane pulled me close, and I was hurting enough to allow it. He stroked my hair, drawing me into the warmth he exuded. “He’s not worthy of you.”

  “Is it me?” Old me bubbled, wanting to wallow.

  “No.” He lifted my chin. “He might not see you, but I do.” And then he was kissing me.

  I let him, even knowing he did it out of pity. But it deepened from the slanting of his mouth to the thrust of his tongue in my mouth. It drew a moan. The feel of his hands on my hips, drawing me close. Pressing me against him. Making me aware of his erection. For all the kissing I’d done with Darryl, he’d never sported one while holding me.

  But Kane did. Kane flirted with me constantly. Kane was the one to sit me on the hood of the car. It should have been cold, but I’d not felt a chill since I set eyes on him. Not even the icy metal of the hood when he dragged up my skirt. He thumbed me through the fabric, and my breath caught.

  I almost came. It had been so long since anyone touched me.

  He caught my mouth as he shoved my panties aside. The agony I’d spent over choosing them was unimportant as he fingered me. My head went back as I moaned, bathed in moonlight that tripled as it glinted off snow. I was cold and hot. Coiled tight.

  My breath came out in white clouds. My lashes frosted, but I was hot. So very hot and needy. I leaned forward to grab his face and kiss him. His turn to groan and grind, thrusting against me.

  I wanted more than that. I reached for him, unbuttoning and unzipping. Gripping him and hearing him suck in a breath. He was thick in my hand. Hard. And then he was inside me.

  He slid into me, and I clung to him, my legs around his waist, holding on to his shoulders as he thrust. His fingers dug into my ass cheeks as he pumped. My head went back, and my mouth was open wide, so I saw the fullness of the moon. He kept moving, grinding, harder and harder until I keened, and as I did, I’d have sworn something shot out of the moon.

  A stabbing ray of light that entered me. My whole body bowed as I came.

  And kept coming. Hard. Blindingly so. I gasped until I remembered to breathe. I shuddered in Kane’s arms.

  Tingling and spent.

  Which was when my date of the night chose to interrupt with a cold, “What’s going on?”

  19

  “Darryl.” His name slipped from my lips in a hot, embarrassed gasp. I shoved at Kane and scrambled to right my clothes.

  Men had it so easy. Kane just had to tuck and zip. Me I had shame tangling my fingers as I tried to yank down my skirt.

  “It’s almost midnight, and I came looking for you.” Darryl pasted a false face on, and for a second, I wondered if I’d misunderstood. Maybe it wasn’t him flirting with another while insulting me.

  I didn’t pussyfoot around it. I bombed him with, “I saw you with that woman.”

  The change on his face happened subtly. Losing its ah-shucks softness. The corner of his mouth quirked. “What are you talking about? Has Kane been filling your head with lies?”

  The more he spoke, the less contrite he sounded.

  “He’s not the one who’s been lying to me,” I hotly declared.

  “Not sure you can talk, given how I just found you. You were my date, remember? The one you were supposed to fuck at midnight. Guess you couldn’t wait that long and went slumming.”

  The words rudely slapped, and for a moment, stomach-churning shame filled me. Old Naomi would have apologized and groveled. Then stuff my face with anything I could find.

  New me? I was filled with wry amusement at the irony. “Drop the offended act. You were playing me the entire time. How dare you act pissed.”

  “I’ll say whatever I like, whore.”

  He spat the word, and as I stared at him, I wondered, who was this stranger in Darryl’s body? Vibrating and angry, in many respects I didn’t recognize him. This Darryl frightened me.

  Sent a chill into me.

  How stupid was I? How could I not have seen the monster inside him? Didn’t I learn my lesson with Martin?

  “You’re drunk, Darryl. Go home.” Kane put a hand on my arm, just lightly, and moved so he stood slightly in front of me. The attempt to act protector was appreciated, but unnecessary.

  “Not too drunk to kick your ass,” Darryl taunted.

  “Let’s take the testosterone down a notch,” I said.

  “I’m not talking to you,” he snapped. “What I want to know is how drunk Kane is because if I didn’t know better, I’d have said Kane actually appeared to be enjoying himself, which I highly doubt is possible. I mean, look at you.” Darryl’s gaze lasered me. “Hardly a prize.”

  The insult sucked my breath and hit me hard enough I swayed on my feet

  And then I got fucking mad.

  I pushed around Kane. “Seriously? What are you, in high school? Stop acting like a self-righteous prick. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I know you were playing me this entire time. Laughing about me with your girlfriend.”

  “Hardly my girlfriend. More a convenient hole to use when I’m in need.”

  The crudeness of it brought a moue of distaste. “Go away, Darryl.” I’d have his stuff on consignment paid out whether it sold or got insured or not. Cut all ties.

  “A prudish whore. Now there’s a combination.”

  “Enough.” A soft warning from Kane.

  “Or what? What will you do that you haven’t already done?”

  “Do you really want to know what I’m capable of?” Kane never once raised his voice or moved, yet he’d never appeared more dangerous.

  “I think we all know now. So much for your promises.”

  “I never promised anything, and I would never have gotten involved if you’d managed to keep it
together for one more night,” Kane growled.

  “And you couldn’t wait to step in,” sneered Darryl.

  The thick undercurrent had to do with me, and more than me. The obviousness of their feud slapped me. They hated each other.

  I was a pawn. “You’ve both been using me.”

  “Took you long enough to figure it out.” Darryl snickered.

  Whereas Kane remained stony faced. Not one word. No hint of apology.

  I hugged myself.

  “Don’t tell me you actually believed we wanted you,” Darryl drawled.

  “Why?” I asked. Pathetic, but I couldn’t help myself. Did they not realize that their cursed game would hurt me? Did neither of them care?

  Kane finally reacted. His lips moved, but Darryl spoke quicker.

  “Because you’re the guardian of Cambden Lake and the treasure it guards.”

  “Be quiet,” Kane muttered.

  “Why? It’s too late for her to do anything now. I’m just surprised she hasn’t figured it out yet.”

  Obviously not or I wouldn’t cast such a long glance at Kane. I waited for him to say anything. Explain why he’d used me.

  Finally, that stony expression cracked a bit. His eyes blazed. “There was no need to be cruel.”

  “See how he doesn’t even try and defend himself,” Darryl mocked.

  “You fucking idiot,” Kane finally growled. “So close to everything and you would ruin it all because you’re arrogant.”

  “I’m arrogant?” Darryl leaned close. “It was never supposed to be you. We agreed. Remember?”

  “No, you agreed. Others said nothing.” Kane hissed.

  I stared on in confusion. “What’s going on?” I needed to know. “Kane?” He wouldn’t look at me.

  “Kane? Explain.” I’d seen the duff movies. Please don’t let it be the situation where it’s see which hot guy beds the ugly woman first.

  Darryl kept up his taunting. “I should be thanking Kane. He did me a favor. We both know you’re not exactly in pristine condition. What you’d call ridden hard and put away wet. Tell me, Kane, did you pretend it was someone else when you were inside her? It’s what I planned to do.”