Significance

by Shelly Crane

  And then he gently pushed me back to lie on the bed, placing himself over me, never breaking the kiss.

  While my pulse rioted in my body under his, my lips pushed harder. I pulled my knees up to be on either side of him as I was pressed into the mattress. I had a strange feeling like this is what Rachel and Gran had been trying to tell us about. That eventually it would be like a dam would break and we’d be unable to control ourselves with each other.

  But I wasn’t accustomed to letting something else control me. I knew we could be trusted with each other, that we could enjoy the other but not get carried away.

  I fought for control. I felt the fog lift slowly as I pulled away, our lips were barely apart and we shared breath as we panted and fought to get a grip.

  “Ah,” he breathed. “That’s what I’ve been missing with you? You got to be kidding me?” he said hoarsely and then laughed a strained chuckle as he stroked my cheek with the back of his fingers.

  I didn’t know what to say. In my mind that may as well have been my first kiss because nothing before it even mattered. I smiled up at him. He eased off me slowly, pulling me to sit up even as he moved to sit in the chair.

  “I, uh, think I better sit over here for a minute.”

  I felt confused. Did he really think he couldn’t control himself? Why was he moving away? Did I go too fast? I thought he wanted me to? Was I not any good? It was almost funny to me that I’d never had any of these concerns with Chad.

  He came back to kneel in front of me on the floor, between my knees. He put his hands on my hips and squeezed once.

  “Are you for real? Of course I wanted you to. And it was good. Too good. I just don’t want things to get out of control.”

  “You don’t think we can control ourselves?” I asked and gave him a questioning look.

  “Well, my mom explained that it’s really intense. And it was. I know you felt it.”

  “Yes. I did. But we stopped just fine. Look, no offense to your mad skills,” he laughed and shook his head, “but I think I can handle it. I’m not afraid of you losing control with me and I’m not worried about me not being to stop you either. You’d never hurt me. You’re parents trusted us to be alone, didn’t they?”

  “Yeah. But my mom is worried about you. That I’ll persuade you to do something you don’t want to even if neither of us meant to. That I’ll let it control me.”

  I was so confused.

  “Will you explain it to me, please? You keep talking about this but I don’t understand. It’s worse for you?”

  “Yes, in a way. It’s uncomfortable.” His cheeks actually turned pink as he looked away. “The males are the protectors, the leaders of the clan. The way I feel about you is more than just...affection, which I feel plenty of. I feel protective of you above everything else and concerned about your welfare. When I’m not with you, I spend the whole time trying to tell myself that you’re ok, that you’re safe, that you don’t need me right that second. It’s like a steady constant stream running through my mind.”

  I licked my lips nervously.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t know it was like that for you.”

  “No,” he crooned and grabbed my face gently. “No, no. I want it that way. It helps me keep you safe. And it helps me keep you happy. I can’t always read your mind unless I’m trying but I can feel what you feel, especially when you have a spike of adrenaline or emotion. And you know how you can feel my heartbeat sometimes?” I nodded. “I can always feel yours. Always, even when I’m not with you, beating right next to mine.”

  I thought about all the times he’d touched me and my heart raced. All the times I’d watched him and thought about him and it skipped and jumped. I’m sure my face was as red a beet.

  “This,” he continued, “is why I didn’t tell you all this yet. I didn’t want you to feel weird around me or be embarrassed and I still don’t. I wanted you to be yourself so you could get to know me.”

  I had a thought.

  “That’s how you knew Chad kissed me?” I accused him but it came out as barely a whisper, feeling the heat in my cheeks.

  “Yeah,” he said and flashed a second’s of irritation on his face before he settled for a slight scowl. “You see, your heartbeats sound different when you’re excited and when your distressed.”

  I flushed brighter, the heat almost unbearable.

  “I was not excited that he was kissing me,” I said vehemently.

  “I know that.” His thumbs caressed my cheeks making me shiver. “But your body involuntarily reacts when someone kisses you. I figured it out and it took all my will power to trust you and not come over here to pummel him.”

  That made me laugh. He nuzzled his nose with mine.

  “What I was getting at, is that I feel everything you do but, because I feel my own feelings plus yours, it’s just a lot harder for me. If I’m touching you and you like it... it all just adds together and makes me want to touch you even more,” he said gruffly and wrapped his arms around my waist. “It feels sometimes like I couldn’t stop touching you for anything.”

  He brushed his lips against mine.

  “I don’t see why that’s a bad thing,” I murmured against his lips.

  “It’s not. I just want you to understand that if we get carried away, it won’t be me that stops us. I don’t know if I could.”

  “I’m not worried. I told you. I have no problem with making sure we don’t go too far, ok? I trust you.”

  “I’m glad. I want you to trust me. I want you to feel completely safe with me. I would never hurt you, Maggie, and I’d never let anything happen to you.”

  “I know that,” I insisted.

  “You,” he took my hand and held it to his chest where our hearts beat together, “are in me now. You’re everything. All I want is for you to be happy and safe. I need you to be. Don’t ever be afraid to tell me things, anything. If I’m being too pushy, crowding or controlling you or getting on your nerves, just say the word.”

  “I don’t think I could not like those things,” I said sweetly.

  “Maggie, I’m serious.”

  “So am I.” I pulled him to me, wrapping my arms around his neck. “I want you to be happy too. I want you to tell me the same things. Everything is gonna be fine. We’ll both be honest and it’s not like we can’t read each others thoughts and feelings anyway. It’s not like I could hide it if I was annoyed, right?”

  He smiled sadly.

  “No, not really.”

  There was something he wasn’t telling me. I could feel it hanging there. I reached out in my mind and pushed. His gaze shot to mine and he knew I was looking for something. He let down any resistance and closed his eyes. We were completely open to each other, connected.

  I could see how he still felt my choices were being taken away. He thought I’d still be with Chad and would never have given him the time of day had things not happened like they did. He was so extremely worried and upset over this echoling thing, pissed even. He also wanted to kiss me again and it almost hurt to restrain himself and it hurt me to know that. To actually feel the way it pulled him to me and wanted him to just consume me with passion. I had no idea he was feeling this way around me.

  But the most important thing I saw was that he loved me.

  He had no intentions of telling me because he thought I’d freak and think it was way too soon. But what he didn’t understand is that I did. I understood how crazy and unconventional this all was but we were bound together and I wasn’t scared anymore. That could not be denied. And though I didn’t know him that well, something in me did. It recognized him and chose him as he chose me because we were meant for each other.

  And I loved him too.

  His eyes went wide at my thought. I didn’t say it out loud, nor did he, but there it was and I didn’t think I’d ever seen a bigger smile on his face.

  He pulled my face close, his fingers bunched in my hair.

  “Maggie,” he sighed.

 
“You didn’t take my choices away. And Chad and I were never meant to be together. You and I are,” I insisted. “And I’ve set the pace now. You don’t have to wait for me anymore,” I whispered teasingly and smiled.

  He wasted no time in pulling me the small space between us and letting me feel just how he felt about that. We kept the connection between our minds open directly as he kissed me sweetly. Usually I caught glimpses and flashes involuntarily but when we focused on keeping the wall down completely it was a tidal wave of emotions and thoughts.

  I didn’t lie back this time, knowing how intense everything was. But I did push myself to the edge of the bed and let him kiss me senseless as his arms enveloped me tight and warm, him still on his knees in between mine. And he was a perfect gentleman. Well...about as gentlemanly as one can be with their mouth devouring someone else’s. His hands didn’t try to wander to places they shouldn’t though in his mind he wanted to. His body so wanted to.

  He was also embarrassed by that but I made sure he knew I wanted him to want me. That I wanted him. That was the point, wasn’t it? The thing I never had with Chad, he didn’t want me physically, sexually or long term relationship wise until he knew he couldn’t have me. And to be honest, apparently neither did I. I wanted someone to want me in all ways and someone who I wanted the same in return. And I’d found him.

  His hands on my hips flexed once, reminding me that it was late and it had been a pretty intense and emotional night already. So I pulled back easily. While we caught our breath I kissed him once more before shifting back to crawl towards my pillow and then threw the blanket back.

  I nodded my head towards me for him to come.

  He chuckled as he stood and shucked his shirt. I’m sure my eyes bulged but I kept it together mostly. It was awfully nice under that shirt. He had a tattoo of a hollow green star on one shoulder and an armband of black swirl filigree on the other. I recognized it as the design on the gate of his house.

  He turned the lamp off and I heard rustling of fabric so I assumed he was putting on sleep clothes. Then the bed ducked and he climbed in beside me.

  I hesitated for only a second. Even Chad and I had never slept together, even only to sleep. I tentatively reached over and my hand brushed soft t-shirt and hard skin underneath. He didn’t hesitate however. He pulled me right to his chest.

  I saw a blue screen in the dark.

  “Setting my cell alarm to vibrate so I’m out of here before your dad tries to come in,” he explained.

  “Good idea. Plus I’m working tomorrow.”

  “How long is your shift?”

  “11:00 to 7:00.”

  “Ouch. Ok. I guess I’ll head over tomorrow night after your dad goes to bed. I have to go to my dad’s tomorrow night and go over some things with him and some of my uncles, important family stuff. But I promise I’ll come as soon as I’m done.”

  “This will be the longest we’ve been without each other,” I mused, already feeling the sting of our imprints being apart.

  “Yeah. You gonna be ok? I can stop by your work maybe before I head to dad’s?”

  “Nah, I’ll be ok. We need to try to make it work anyway, right? We can’t spend every second together, especially when you go back to school. It’ll probably be easier to wean ourselves,” I said lamely and grimaced in the dark at my wording.

  “But I so don’t want to wean myself,” he said as he nuzzled my ear making me giggle.

  “Me either but we need to. This’ll be good practice.”

  “Yeah. Ok. Just remember, if it gets too bad just call me in your mind. If your body is distressed, I can hear you anyway and I’ll come running.”

  “I know, thank you, but I’m sure I’ll be fine.”

  “Yeah, but what about me,” he said and I could see his grin in the streetlight haze from the window.

  “You’ll be fine too,” I assured and smiled up at him.

  He kissed the end of my nose.

  “I guess. But I’m always here for you. Even if I’m not here, I’m always tuned into you” he poked my chest gently “in here.”

  “Yeah,” I said and tried to keep the pout out of my voice at the thought of not seeing him until tomorrow night. “Night, Caleb.”

  “Night, Maggie.”

  Then he took my hand and laid it over his heart, his hand on top, rubbing circles over my knuckles, and I felt the beats of our hearts pounding together under my palm as I fell asleep.

  Fourteen

  That morning I woke rested. Completely rested and feeling great. I didn’t feel the need to stretch or rub my eyes or lay there and adjust. When I woke, I was alert instantly. I thought I felt awesome after our nap yesterday but no, this morning was the epitome of a good nights rest.

  Even Caleb seemed to be extra peppy.

  I got up with him as he pulled his jeans on over his sleep pants and then changed his shirt. If I had a slow motion button I would’ve pressed it while Caleb pulled his shirt over his head. I bit my lip and watched intensely from my closet door. He smiled and shook his head reading my thoughts or feelings but kissed me chastely and told me I’d better watch it if I wanted him to ever leave. I just giggled while he lifted the window.

  When he started to climb out he once again turned to me. I’m not sure who needed help being released this time but we both just kinda erupted with it. He grabbed my face and I grabbed his shirt front and we both assured each other we’d see the other tonight that everything would be fine and they’d be missed. Then he kissed me again and practically shot himself out of the window and down the roof to the drainpipe. My body was already protesting a little at the distance, telling me I was going to need his touch sooner than I thought.

  I watched and after one final wave as I lost sight of him after he left my yard. I went to unlock my door and got dressed. My uniform was a little dress with pockets and a half apron. My name tag read ‘Sweet Pea’. The uniform was a little short but the owners wanted us all to wear white footless leggings underneath. It was kinda cute actually but without the leggings would have been borderline skanky dirty bar waitress.

  So I got dressed. By this time it was almost 10:00. Caleb had left at nine. My dad never got out of bed before then with this job, his shift didn’t start til 11:00, so it was perfect for him. My shifts used to be at night but they changed my schedule since I graduated.

  So I went downstairs for breakfast which consisted of coffee and French vanilla creamer, which my dad had already placed in my travel mug for me. He hadn’t done that since the ‘event’.

  Then dad came back down and we talked for a few minutes about work and schedules and dinner plans. Then he actually picked up the paper to read it. He hadn’t done that since the ‘event’. Now that things were back to normal, that’s what I planned on calling it: the ‘event’.

  I kinda felt proud that I brought him out of his funk, even if it was involuntary. He had reason to come back around to his old self, all because I was dating a new guy. Weird but I liked it all the same.

  After our completely normal morning, I kissed his cheek and thanked him for the coffee. He said ‘bye, baby girl’ which I’ve missed so much it clogged my throat with tears at knowing he was really back. Some girls might not like being called baby, especially by their father, but now, after everything that happened, I wanted it something fierce. It stood for something and the fact that he hasn’t called me that since last summer and now just throws it around just like he always used to means that whatever had happened to him was serious. He really wasn’t here and now he was back to normal, with all his old habits routine for him again.

  So, there I was, heading into work. The five block walk in the mid morning is warm but not unbearably so yet. I passed a couple kids from school as they come bustling out of the coffee shop, giggling and holding each others’ arms.

  “Hey, Maggie,” a girl I thinks name is Leslie called out.

  “Hey,” I return but don’t stop.

  “What are you doing this summer?�
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  They fell into step beside me as I continued to walk on. They were both the grade below me, the grade I was in until I was stepped up from eighth grade to ninth.

  “Um. Right now I’m just working. Uh, college maybe in a couple months.”

  “Where you headed? You following Chad to Florida?”

  “Uh, no.”

  “Oh.” She seemed perplexed by that. “Well, where are you going?”

  “Tennessee maybe.”

  If only Caleb could hear me now. He would be grinning like a fool.

  “Really. Why not Florida? I bet you could get Chad back if you went there.”

  “I don’t want Chad back,” I snapped but sighed. “Sorry. Look, Leslie?” She nodded. “Chad and I haven’t dated for almost a year now. I have no intentions of getting back with him.”

  “Aww. That’s so sad,” she crooned. “You guys were so cute together.”

  Thankfully, we came upon the diner, The 25 Hour Skillet. I turned to them and tried for a smile.

  “Alright, I gotta go to work. Nice seeing you.”

  “You too. See ya.”

  They waved and walked on and I turned into the revolving door and went inside. It felt like forever since I’d been here but the familiar warm air filled with the smell of home made steak fries was as familiar as anything else in my life.

  “Hey,” Big John shouted over the sizzle of something on the grill. “Cutting it close. You think just because you’re so smart and you graduated you can be late anytime you want now? Is that it?” I put my hands on my hips and glared at him and he grinned. “Get over here pretty girl and give you’re ol’ boss a hug.”

  I grinned too and ran behind the counter as he came from behind the grill and met me half way. He lifted my feet from the floor and squeezed me tight.

  “Aww.” I heard from behind me. When he put me down I turned to see Smarty, the bosses’ wife and head waitress, holding her order pad against her chest with her pen in her hair. “Our little girl is all grown up.”