Lost

by Sarah Ann Walker

  So an hour later we walked to the village again, and eventually stopped for dinner at Murphy’s. We ordered greasy food, even as I mentioned I was going to get fat, and we drank coffee to warm us from the winter weather outside.

  We were calm and relaxed, and smiley, and totally about each other, even in our silences.

  However, once we started eating Peter told me quite abruptly before I had finished my cheeseburger that he had to go. He stood, looked around the pub from our booth, and said he had to leave.

  In my shock, I quickly wondered what I had done wrong, but he leaned in and kissed my lips, and stopped looking around to just stare at me intensely. I was so confused by the whole situation, I desperately wanted to know what was wrong.

  “I'll meet you back at your apartment by 7:00, okay?” He begged me.

  “Okay, but what happened? Why do you have to go?” I begged back.

  “Nothing. I just forgot I had something to do, but I want to see you soon. I'll be back by 7:00. Just trust me, okay?”

  “Okay,” I relented.

  Even though Peter was smiling at me I could still see distress or something on his face. He looked around the pub again, and then reached for his wallet but I stopped him. I could pay for our burgers and fries, and I didn't want him to think I was taking advantage of him so I insisted on paying.

  “I'll see you soon, Sophie,” he smiled, but again he looked around the pub like he was afraid of something.

  His behavior was so weird, I suddenly felt uncomfortable with him. I was uncomfortable and honestly didn’t want him to stay with me any longer, at least not then. He was acting strange and almost paranoid, which was making me feel a little paranoid as well. But just as quickly as his mood changed, he left with the promise to see me in 2 hours.

  After he left, I finished my burger quickly and paid, leaving the pub to walk home alone. I couldn’t stop thinking about Peter's strange behavior when he left me, but eventually I decided to forget it. Yes, it was weird, but I didn't know him well enough to know if he was always that way, so I let it go.

  Walking home I stopped in Pandora's again, and decided to look for a Christmas gift for Peter. I knew we were new, and I knew gifts were a little too soon, but Christmas was on Friday and I didn't want to not get him something, so I looked around until I found the perfect gift.

  Browsing around I found another set of candle holders just like the ones I had bought the weekend before which Peter had loved as well. They were the same, but slightly different and the person on each candle holder looked very similar to me and Peter. They were similar, but the one difference from my own set which I knew he would love was the female had green eyes and blond hair. They were beautiful blown glass candle holders with the image of a brown haired man and a blond woman inside, and they were lovely.

  Choosing silver, vanilla scented taper candles to match was a perfect choice. I loved them, and I truly thought they were the perfect gift for him because Peter would know I was thinking about him over Christmas.

  He would know I was thinking about him, he just wouldn’t know I was thinking about him like the obsessive, falling in love with him way too quickly psycho I was actually becoming.

  *****

  When I returned home with my gifts, I immediately called Steven, the little shit. And after only one ring he answered as I knew he would which made me smile.

  “I'm sorry, Soph! Fuck! I really didn't mean to cock-block-”

  “Ewwww...”

  “I didn't even think for a second that he might be there. Sorry. Honestly, I was just so hammered I needed to crash on your couch so I didn't think. Actually, I was too drunk to think. Was he mad?”

  “Not really about you stopping by PISSED OUT OF YOUR HEAD. But the creepy notebook guy comment sucked.”

  “Fuck. Sorry. I didn't mean it bad-”

  “No, 'cause that would ever sound like a good thing to say,” I argued.

  “I know. Should I talk to him?” Steven offered.

  “God, no! We're fine. We actually kissed and made up,” I grinned. “And we spent the day together, and he's coming back in a half hour, so it's all good. Just please don't do that again, okay?”

  “What? Come over hammered to crash at my sister’s? Or call my sister's boyfriend creepy?”

  “Both. Seriously, Steven, I really like Peter and I don't want anything to screw it up, okay?”

  “Okay. Sorry, Soph. Are you going to mom and dad's tomorrow?”

  “Could I get out of it if I tried?”

  “No. Why don't you bring Peter?”

  “Nope. Way too soon. I don't want him to think I'm that into him yet. I want to play this one cool because he's kind of awesome.”

  “But you shouldn't play games then, Soph. Not if you really like him.”

  “I'm not playing games, I'm just not going to be the first to ask for things. I don't want to scare him away, and he makes me want to ask for things which is weird for me. I-” But I couldn’t really explain what I was thinking or feeling, even to Steven. I couldn’t even understand it myself.

  “It's different when you feel something, isn't it? I know how you are with men, kind of standoffish, which usually draws them in, but then you're not happy and you end it. So maybe do this one different. Maybe be honest and not so, like ice-queenish, or something.”

  “Ice Queenish?” I laughed.

  “I'm not lecturing or criticizing. I just know you, so I'm trying to help,” he defended, and I knew he was.

  “I'll try. But it's just not something I'm used to. I don't like putting myself out there.”

  “Nobody does. And he's probably feeling the same way, right? So maybe give in a little this time and see what happens. And yes, I totally sound like the smarter, more mature twin right now, but don't freak out about it, kay?”

  Laughing, that was exactly what I had been thinking. Steven never gave the good advice, I did, and Steven never guided me either, I guided him. So this was also new for me. My head was so full of sudden changes, and I didn't know if I liked any of them, even though I felt happy, too.

  “I gotta go. I'll see you tomorrow.”

  “Have a good night, Soph. And ah... is his car really as pink as I remember?” He questioned with a grin I could actually hear.

  “Yup. Like Barbie pink,” I laughed.

  “Wow. He is very, very secure in his manhood. Good for him,” he laughed before hanging up.

  CHAPTER 10

  Thinking about Peter while I waited for his arrival, I decided I was going to be better with him. I would try to share my thoughts, and I would try to open up to him a little more. Peter was a sensual, intellectual man, and I figured he was probably used to women who knew their bodies, and knew their emotions, and I wanted to be like that with him. Actually, he made me want to be like that for him. So I decided I would try to be.

  20 minutes after hanging up with Steven, Peter arrived 5 minutes late but I didn’t let his lateness affect my mood. Opening up the door, I was immediately assaulted by Peter and a kiss. Pushing me against the little doorway nook, he kicked the door closed with his foot even as he held my face to him and kissed the impatience right out of me.

  I was then lead to my bedroom by my hand, until he pushed me into the middle of my bed on my stomach and proceeded to empty a little sack beside me.

  “I'm going to massage your back with some essential oils that are sensual and exotic. I have real jasmine oil blended into a balm I made that costs a fortune but is so worth it. I also added a little rose and bergamot to heighten your senses,” he said as he pulled my sweater from my body and removed my bra.

  Everything had moved so quickly from sitting on my couch waiting for him, to being half naked on my bed with Peter sitting on my ass, I felt like I was spinning.

  Then he began massaging me and 10 minutes later I felt everything fade from my body and my thoughts. I moaned when I could no longer hold it in, and I squirmed when he touched me in a way that required me to move. I was mi
ndless except for the one thought repeating itself over and over in my brain, God, I want you.

  After another few minutes, Peter slipped his hands under my waist and unzipped my jeans. Pulling, he took my panties with him, and I was grateful that it was winter and the night had already darkened my room. But Peter went back into his bag again and pulled out a wide pillar candle to light on my bedside table.

  Naturally, the candle gave off enough light to make me insecure of my nudity, but before I could react, Peter whispered, “You’re stunning by candlelight, Sophie,” and I stopped panicking.

  Peter began massaging my butt and thighs, slowly working his way down my body. He massaged me in silence until I was so relaxed I couldn't move anymore by choice.

  “Close your eyes, baby,” he spoke softly, and I did. “I want you to only focus your thoughts on what I'm saying and where I'm touching. Picture your calves right now. Feel my hands on them, and imagine me soothing all your muscles.”

  So I did as he told me, and unbelievably I could almost envision my own calves loosing up as they began to feel lighter in my skin.

  “Feel me massaging your thighs. Feel their heaviness fading away,” he whispered again, and I did feel it. He massaged in long strokes from the back of my knees up to the top of my thighs, never moving higher, and never stopping except to quickly add more delicious balm to his hands.

  “Open your legs for me, Sophie,” he spoke gently. And without thought I again did as he told me.

  Pushing my left thigh out sideways, I opened myself to him totally. But he didn't move higher, he just massaged the inside of my thighs to my relief and disappointment.

  When he snaked his arm between my legs with his hand on my stomach, Peter slowly flipped me to my back. Surprised by the movement but too relaxed to fight, I allowed my body to be manipulated by him, even as he moved his arm from between my legs.

  And then he massaged my arms down to my palms. Again, with the same message; I was told to feel my arms growing lighter, which they did, and amazingly, I soon felt limp and boneless. I felt like I was floating around my room, no longer actually lying on my bed.

  After a few minutes and adding more cream, Peter made a long sweeping motion from my shoulders, down my breasts, which made me gasp, until he reached my lower stomach. Over and over he swept down my torso, never stopping on my nipples which had pebbled, nor lower than my stomach which I wanted.

  He was slow and methodical, and I eventually experienced the same sinking away sensation the rest of my body felt. I was with him I knew, but I felt far away and utterly removed from my body.

  “Feel me touch you, Sophie,” he whispered as his mouth closed over my left nipple.

  Drawing my nipple in slowly, he continued to sweep his right hand down my torso, moving slightly lower than each time before. He suckled me, and blew air across the dampness on my nipple, while gently touching the top of my vagina with rhythmic movements meant to relax.

  Opening me up slowly with his fingers, I felt him touch me as he changed to my right side. Pulling my nipple into his mouth, I felt the soft sucking sensation from my breast move lower to my abdomen as I found myself breathing heavier than I had ever before in my life.

  “Do you feel your body, Sophie?”

  “Yes...” I whispered.

  “What do you feel?” He asked quietly while continuing to touch my body softly.

  “I feel a pull inside me. I feel heaviness and weightlessness too. I feel aroused and comfortable, and I don't know- I feel something inside me,” I moaned with my eyes closed as he slipped a finger inside me.

  “Breathe, Sophie. Feel your body craving this intimacy. Feel your body giving you the moisture needed for me to enter you. Feel your clit throbbing, and your vaginal walls clenching around me as I enter you with my fingers,” he whispered against my lips before he kissed me again.

  I remember feeling everything in that moment. Every word he spoke felt like everything happening to me at once. He was playing my body and describing it to me perfectly.

  I was so aroused, my body starting moving against him. I kissed him harder and I raised my numb arms around his shoulders to draw him deeper into me. When I moaned unconsciously, I knew I had never wanted anyone so badly in my life, until he abruptly stopped.

  Peter whispered, “Keep your eyes closed, and feel your body's needs,” even as he stopped touching me, until moments later he was back touching me again.

  He must have removed his clothing while I was envisioning my body because he was suddenly back, lying between my legs, as he kissed me and slowly entered my body with his own.

  Entering me slowly, Peter moved in a carefree motion without speaking. He just kissed me and rocked inside my body for hours it seemed.

  Pulling out of me some time later, Peter crawled down my body and again took me with his mouth and fingers, with more power and urgency then before. He touched me and impaled me until I felt everything inside me change.

  “Feel your body, Sophie,” he spoke inside me.

  With his soft words all around me I felt my dampness, and my swollen insides and my need clawing at me. I felt his fingers moving inside me, and I felt his tongue teasing me. I felt everything he did to me with such awareness, my arousal quickly climbed.

  “Please...” I heard myself beg even as he quickened his movements for me.

  Peter continued pleasuring me and I knew I was speaking and I knew I was begging. I knew I was moving, and I knew I was trying. I knew everything but I could make no sense of any of it. All I knew was I was being destroyed from the inside out and I needed Peter to save me.

  When he again entered me slowly, while continuing the assault on my clit, I finally found myself edge into and past my release. With a guttural moan, and a twist of my spine, I tried to throw him off me. I tried to move him away from the intensity of my body. I tried to get away from everything he did to me, but he wouldn't let me go.

  Still deep inside me, Peter grabbed me up by my shoulders and crushed me to his chest as he flipped us to his back. He moved us and I found myself crying.

  I was suddenly crying hard, and I hated the confusion and desperation I felt in that moment. I hated everything in that moment.

  “I don't know what's wrong...” I finally choked in the silence around us.

  “It’s okay, Sophie. I think this is just a post-orgasm release. You're over sensitized and emotional from coming and from the intensity of the physical events proceeding it. I had you very emotionally engaged in the moment you released, so you're just dropping. It'll pass soon though if you don't fight it.”

  “I've never felt like this before,” I admitted on a rush.

  “Good...” He smiled as he kissed my forehead. “I make some pretty good herbal creams and blended oils, huh?”

  “I don't think it was the cream. I think it was you,” I admitted sounding sad.

  Thankfully, Peter didn't reply to my words, though he did hold me a little tighter and he did kiss my forehead once again as we lay in silence.

  After a few minutes though I found the silence was bothering me. My tears had stopped and I was overcome with the sudden need to flee from him. So I told him I needed a shower, and before he could reply I simply pulled myself from his arms and raced for my bathroom.

  Once inside the warm shower I really cried. I don't know why, maybe exactly as he said. Maybe that reaction was common with some women, and maybe it was even normal. But it wasn't for me.

  I felt weak, and almost damaged after being with him like that. I felt like the person I was just 2 weeks ago was fading away and I hated the feeling in my chest. It was sadness and fear, I knew. But I couldn't stop the feelings from taking me over, even as I cried in the shower so Peter wouldn't see me so weak and lost because of him.

  When the shower curtain was opened and I was still sitting on the tub floor crying, my humiliation felt so complete I immediately went into defensive mode.

  Standing quickly, I put my face under the water to hid
e my tears and I turned to Peter with a fake smile.

  “Want to join me?” I asked with a confidence I wasn't feeling at all.

  “Sophie, please don't run from me. Talk to me,” he said looking sad himself.

  “I'm not running, I just wanted to freshen up,” I lied again as I reached for his semi-erect penis. Pulling him by his body, he stepped into the shower with me as I took him into a deep kiss.

  Peter moaned into my mouth, as I gave him the best hand-job I could manage in the close space of the shower. Turning him, I pushed him against the wall, and fell to my knees for a little payback, which was exactly how I felt.

  I wanted to make him feel as out of control as he had made me feel. I didn't want all that romantic, loving shit. I wanted normal sex without all the emotional trappings. That's what I tried to do, but Peter stopped my attempt by lifting me back up by my arms.

  “I don't need a blow job, Sophie. I need to be inside you, with you,” he said while turning me to lean against the wall.

  “I don't have any condoms,” I realized suddenly.

  “I'll pull out,”

  “But what if-”

  “Do you trust me?” He asked staring at me hard.

  “I guess. But I can't have an accident,” I pleaded.

  “Neither can I,” he replied.

  So I threw caution to the wind, and chose to forget who I was. I was irresponsible for the first time in my 24 years. I knew this had the potential to be tragically life-altering, and yet I relented for some reason I couldn't understand.

  I had never had sex without a condom. Not with my 3 1/2 men before Peter, and never in my wildest dreams. I just didn't live on the edge like that. However, I suddenly found myself willing to risk everything with this man, and that made me fear him even more.