No Forgiveness

by Helen Nickolson

  Kyria Maria studied him carefully, looking for some-thing—anything—malevolent in his nature, and said in a serious tone, “The decision has to be Katerina’s. She is the one who felt your actions first-hand, she’s the one who has suffered directly, and she is the one who needs to forgive you. I will let her speak.”

  Katerina rose, looked at both of them frankly and said very simply, “I have put much thought into this decision. I believe that people can make colossal mistakes for a variety of wrong reasons and wrong circumstances, and I believe in practicing the charity of forgiveness. I do forgive you Giorgo and hope we can make a life together. I don’t think the man you were the other night is the man who truly lives in your body and soul. That man is not who I now see in front of me. Giorgo, I will marry you and be a good wife to you and a good daughter-in-law to your parents. I hope that we may have children and a good family life.”

  CHAPTER FIVE

  The wedding ceremony took place two Sundays later on October 26, 1919, immediately following the church liturgy. It was late morning and there was more than a hint of fall in the air. The day was clear but somewhat crisp, and there was a contemplative feeling in the church. Everyone had a somber appearance, including the usually jovial priest, and the space echoed with unvoiced protests floating in the thick air. Were the saints in the icons brooding? Did the Virgin Mary look distressed? What was this melancholy that had settled over everyone? This was an ancient service that they all loved to watch and usually were joyous in the knowledge that it had been celebrated for centuries. This was a service full of love and symbolism demonstrating the ideas of a positive marriage and focusing on love, respect, equality and sacrifice for each other.

  Unlike Ophelia’s and Michael’s wedding, there were few people in attendance. Few had been invited and few would have wanted to attend. There were about twenty in all and most of them would have preferred to be elsewhere. There was the immediate family standing in the appropriate and opposing sides for men and women and a couple of very close neighbors like Yiayia who lived next door. The neighbors had fondly watched Katerina grow up, and they stood at her wedding with a prayer for her happiness in their hearts. And they made their crosses continually and reverently.

  The wedding service began at the entrance of the church. The church was located above the village in a wide enough area for local festivals and large gatherings. The road to and from Kato Kourouni was situated directly to the side of the church, which made it a convenient spot for those who were from other villages. Father Kosta, dressed in the long priestly garments that touched the ground, began the ceremony in the traditional manner by asking Giorgo and Katerina if they had come of their own free will and were not promised to someone else. They responded affirmatively that they had come of their free will and that they had not promised themselves to anyone else. Their affirmations then allowed Father Kosta to invite them and their attendants to enter the church and walk to the altar.

  Giorgo was dressed formally in a dark suit which showed off his rugged body and handsome face. He looked very calm and self-assured as if he had the future carefully planned. No sign of stress showed on his face or in his eyes. Although obviously subdued, he regarded everyone with an expression of inner peace and patience. His calm expression hadn’t altered much even when Katerina met him outside the church; it may have deepened into something resembling self-satisfaction and possessiveness, but only a careful observer would have noticed.

  Katerina also looked very calm and moved slowly in a trance-like state toward the altar once Father Kosta invited them into the church. Her eyes were hypnotically expressionless like still water in a deep well. The guests couldn’t help but wonder about her thoughts, but they didn’t really want to know. Father Kosta felt a tinge of concern when he looked at her but felt powerless to do anything more than continue with the ceremony. Even he, however, noticed how exceptional she looked.

  Her beautiful black hair was arranged around her face in a twisted French pleat and her green eyes were startlingly large. She wore no make-up other than a little powder and a touch of lipstick. Her dress was light pink, long-sleeved with the V-neck style she preferred. It was belted at the waist and fell just below the knee. She wore a nice dark low heel an inch high but no nylon stockings since they couldn’t afford luxuries. She had taken extra care with her bath the night before and still had a glow from having scrubbed herself so thoroughly. Katerina also had put on her best underwear—never-worn underwear that she had sewn in the last year in anticipation of her wedding night. Of course, when she had sewn the underwear, she had been dreaming of Michael and how it would feel to be kissed by him, to be touched by him, to lay with him and have him teach her what it meant to make love.

  She saw Michael and Ophelia out of the corner of her eye but refused to look squarely in their direction. Without really studying them, she couldn’t help but notice the they did not fit as a couple, he being tall and slender and she short and plump. How silly that somehow, she had expected their marital state to transform their looks into a more harmonious state. But Ophelia looked happy enough so, obviously, Michael had given her the marital experiences and pleasures that should have been Katerina’s.

  “Do not go there,” Katerina said to herself. “Their happiness or unhappiness has nothing to do with you. You cannot allow yourself to become bitter. If he has come to love her, you can’t stop that. And even if you could, what would you gain? Nothing. It’s too late to think of what might have been.”

  Having walked to the Altar and standing to the left of Giorgo, as required, she faced the priest resignedly with a straight back. She vaguely heard him bless the rings in the Betrothal, the first half of the service, and slightly felt him placing her ring in her right hand. Slightly again, she felt their koumbaro, their sponsor, exchange the rings between her and Giorgo three times to signify that their lives would be entwined forever.

  Father Kosta then blessed the stefana, the wedding crowns, and made the sign of the cross three times. He read from the Bible—an epistle from St. Paul—urging them as husband and wife to work toward unqualified love and assistance of each other.

  Giorgo and Katerina drank wine from the common cup, signifying that they would be sharing the happiness and sorrows of life together. They were to be forever intertwined within the Church’s teachings and within their existence on earth; all earthly and unearthly sensations, tangible rewards and disappointments were to be shared equally and compassionately with each other. The biblical phrase that accompanied drinking from the common cup was pronounced:

  I shall partake in the Cup of Salvation, and I shall invoke the name of the Lord.

  Father Kosta then led them around the wedding table three times, with the Bible in his hand, to remind them that the Word of God should lead them through life, with the circle around the table representing eternal marriage with no beginning or end. The two being united in marriage would be forever connected. While walking around the table counterclockwise in the “Dance of Isaiah,” the priest chanted:

  Rejoice, O Isaiah! The Virgin is with child,

  And shall bear a son Emmanuel,

  Both God and Man,

  And Orient is His Name,

  Whom magnifying we call, the Virgin blessed.

  O Holy Martyrs,

  Who fought the good fight and have received your crowns,

  Entreat ye the Lord,

  That He will have mercy on our souls.

  Glory to Thee, O Christ our God,

  The Apostles boast,

  The Martyrs Joy,

  Whose preaching was the Consubstantial Trinity.

  Father Kosta, after the long but traditional ceremony that had been established centuries before, finished with his heartfelt blessing that they may be fruitful with many children to provide joy and happiness, companionship, and love. Hearing Father Kosta talk of children, she felt relieved that she had not gone through with the abortion. It would have been a great sin to destroy the little life growin
g inside her. She, who had a hard time hurting or killing anything, would never have been able to forgive herself for destroying her own flesh and blood.

  “My baby,” she whispered in her mind. “I will love you and protect you to the best of my ability and more. I only hope to give you as much love as my own mother and father have given me. Oh, my sweetheart, I can’t wait to see you. You will be so beautiful! I don’t care if you’re a boy or a girl. I just want to hold you and nurse you and smell you and have you by my side. I love you already so much! We’ll play games and take walks and come back to naps, and…and…we’ll have fun.”

  After the wedding ceremony, Katerina forced herself to stop daydreaming because she had a role to perform and needed to treat her guests properly; she had always been a polite and considerate person and didn’t want anyone to feel slighted. So, she was determined to make everyone feel special when the group went to Kyria Maria’s house after the wedding ceremony.

  At their house, several tables had been laid out in the small courtyard. The tables were covered with Kyria Maria’s fanciest cloths and had a small bouquet of roses in the middle. It was not a fancy gathering, but Kyria Maria and the female guests had prepared plentiful food and sweets, which they served along with the home-made wine brought out especially for the celebration. It was so beautiful, so thoughtful and creative that it tugged at Katerina to cry with joy and appreciation. She didn’t cry then knowing that she would do so later with her mother and friends. Her gratitude to them would last forever for making her day extra special and for making her feel so well loved.

  Kyria Maria, as hostess and mother of the bride, warmly welcomed the guests to her home: “I am very thankful to each of you for joining us today in honor of Katerina and Giorgo. May all of you, and all of your relatives, have good health and much happiness in the years to come. Let’s all now salute the newlyweds and wish them a wonderful future. Salute!” She raised her glass.

  Everyone raised and clinked their glasses to acknowledge the new couple, and the celebratory afternoon continued with more food and more wine and congratulatory speeches. “What a wonderful festive gathering this was,” everyone said as they left.

  Having had enough drink to loosen their tongues, a few said, “There was an odd feeling at the church that made us uncomfortable at first, but it was obviously some type of strange phenomena. Bless you and the children and may you have health and happiness forever.”

  It was late when the party finished and Katerina and Giorgo were able to leave. He had been gentle and attentive to her all evening, and he was awfully handsome she thought. With a little romance on his part, her heart might move from Michael to Giorgo. Why not?

  She looked forward to something special with him in their future. Over time, meaning since Ophelia and Michael had married, she had forced herself to put prior dreams behind her and closed off her feelings about Michael. She had refused to concede to mental images of Michael and Ophelia sexually coupling and, not knowing what was real anymore, she had refused to accept, or was suspicious of, the supposed reality around her. Maybe her sister and brother-in-law were happy, maybe not.

  Looking at the wedding guests in the small yard, Katerina felt so much affection toward most of them. She wanted to kiss them with love and gratitude and friend-ship—other than Giorgo’s parents that she didn’t know well and sensed only coldness directed toward her. She would show them respect but doubted she would ever feel fondness and warmth for either of them. They were a good-looking couple but very standoffish as if they considered themselves a step above everyone else. Perhaps they had set their sights on a daughter-in-law who came from a wealthier family and would bring a large dowry with her. Probably, she thought, they would never be satisfied with any woman that their son chose. She would just have to deal with it.

  Toward the end of the reception, the encouraging speeches and strong wine had lulled Katerina into a soft and sleepy mood; after all, this was her wedding day and she had the right to be a little tipsy. She was so glad that they would not have to walk to Ano Kourouni. A cousin had loaned them the use of his donkey and cart and they were going to ride to their residence. The few articles that Katerina still had at home were placed in the cart and, at Giorgo’s command, the donkey carefully stepped forward.

  She saw the house they were to live in within fifteen minutes. Riding in the cart was so much quicker than walking. Most of her belongings had been taken there the previous week and had been put away properly. As part of her dowry, she had numerous blankets, tablecloths, kitchen items, and all that was needed to open a new home. She had cleaned the house thoroughly and decorated the rooms with bright blankets over the sofa and the bed. Oh, how she looked forward to being responsible for her own home! She would take care of it with love and imbue it with her happy spirit so that it would always be a welcome refuge to her children. They would laugh and sing and dance within those walls.

  On the negative side, Giorgo’s parents would be living with them, but that was customary and Katerina didn’t have any problems with it. At least they weren’t totally within the same structure and each couple would have some privacy from the other. The parents would have the first floor and Katerina and Giorgo were to live on the second. The house was simple and spotless with all of the basics of the time, and Katerina felt no concern that it was not finer in style or space. She had never had very much and was grateful for what Giorgo could provide. In reality, it was much nicer than the home in which she had grown up.

  Together they climbed the stairs and entered the front door. The stairs here had a balustrade that she thankfully held on to since she was still just a little tipsy. The porch at the top was also wider than that at her mother’s house and she was glad that it would be so much safer for their children. They heard nothing from downstairs and assumed the parents were already asleep since they had left the party a couple of hours earlier. They placed the few items in their hands on the floor in the living room and proceeded to the bedroom where Giorgo quickly stripped Katerina of her clothes and underwear. She had planned to put on a special gown which was made specifically for her wedding night but she understood that he wanted her right then.

  Still, she felt some alarm and said breathlessly, “Giorgo, please be kind to me. Remember what we promised each in our wedding vows. We are now united in marriage and should support each other. I am now your wife and will always fulfill my marital obligations, but please be gentle and not hurt me as you did before.”

  “You want kindness and dare reproach me for what happened before?” he retorted with a suddenly angry and raw voice. “I have wanted you for years and pledged to have you regularly even if marriage was the only way. I have no desire to be kind and gentle. As my wife, you will have no choice but to follow my commands. I am the man of this house. Lean over the bed now so that I can take you from behind and don’t pretend you don’t like it. This will be a wedding night we will both remember. I have played your game long enough and now you’re going to play mine.” He then pushed her and she fell onto her stomach on the bed.

  “Giorgo,” she cried, mortified by what she had just heard. “You told me that this is not your nature. You’ve apologized to me for what happened before. I believed you and thought we might be able to have a decent life together. I hurt so much before. Please don’t act this way.”

  “You bitch! You’ve embarrassed me in both villages. Everyone knows you and your mother went to ask Michael to marry you. You had no shame. I see how you still look at him and how he looks at you. He may want you, but I will be the one with my penis inside you as often as I want. I am master of this house, and I will do as I please with my wife. I may have some further plans for you and you will not say no to me.”

  He excited himself with his words and hardened even more. “Yes!” he congratulated himself. This is how it should be.”

  Not paying attention to her cries of pain, he thrust himself inside of her. She cried non-stop as she felt her rectum tear. “God, my God,
” she moaned. How can you let this happen to me? Why are you making me suffer so much? Your Son suffered and died for the world, but I don’t think his pain could have been worse than mine.”

  Giorgo finally relieved himself in her and withdrew. He gazed at her without any remorse and said, “Do you now understand? You will do as I say and you will have sex with me as often as I want. You are now my wife and my possession. Go wash yourself.”

  Katerina stumbled to her feet and found a basin with water and a cloth. Very gingerly she pressed the wet cloth against her rectum and almost fainted when she saw the blood. It was dark in the room but there was enough light that she could make out the bloody imprint. She had brought medicinal supplies with her in one of the bags and she searched for some salve to apply. She found the salve, and, again very gingerly, applied a small amount with her finger

  The first attack a couple of months previously had hurt and shocked her. This time was even worse because she had believed him when he claimed to be ashamed of himself. He had appeared so sincere that she had agreed to marry him. He must think of her as an idiot. What he thought didn’t matter, but what he could do and what he planned to do mattered very much. Dazed, she wondered if he planned to kill her. That he might kill her didn’t matter either. Finishing her off might be the most merciful thing he could do.

  CHAPTER SIX

  The sun was just starting to emerge as Katerina struggled out of bed. Unlike the day before, the view she saw through the small window didn’t show any promise of sunshine. In fact, the sky looked downright gloomy and menacing. She hadn’t slept at all during the night thinking of how she would be able to escape this time. Giorgo had slumbered off almost immediately after his tirade and she had heard him snoring throughout the night. She was thankful for that since he wouldn’t be bothering her while asleep.