Heartbreakers and Fakers

by Cameron Lund

  “Is our company that horrible, Jojo?” Olivia asks, pouting.

  “Well, now that Harris is here, things are looking up.” Jordan squeezes my shoulder, and I can’t help the butterflies that erupt inside me at his words.

  “Ouch, Parker,” Olivia says. She stands up from the floor then and sits down next to Kai on the other couch. Olivia and Kai have been spending more time together lately, and even though I don’t understand why anyone would willingly spend time in his presence, this whole thing feels right. The four of us are meant to be here like this, two power couples on two couches, everyone in their rightful places.

  I wonder briefly where the others are tonight—Katie and Myriah and Romina. I feel lucky that I’m special enough to be in this room, that an hour ago I was just like them, but now Jordan’s arm is around me and I’m somebody.

  We sit for a while and watch the movie, but I can barely focus on what’s going on. On-screen, the characters sled and skate and kiss under a sprig of stray mistletoe—accompanied by sarcastic comments from Jordan—but all I can think about is his arm around my shoulders.

  I can hardly breathe as Jordan’s fingers start running up and down my arm, fiddling with the soft flannel of my shirt. Then he moves his hand lower, finding the gap in between my shirt and jeans, tickling the bare strip of exposed skin. I feel like I’m on fire, and before I can help it I suck in a quick breath.

  This makes Jordan laugh—I can feel the shaking of his shoulders—and he purposely tickles my stomach again, drumming his fingers against me. Then he leans down and whispers.

  “Cold? You’ve got goose bumps.” He pushes up my sleeve, and I see he’s right—tiny dots cover my skin, my hair standing alert.

  I shiver. “Yeah, it’s chilly in here.” And yes, it’s drafty in the barn, but these goose bumps are all Jordan. He grins back at me in a way that means he knows it.

  “I’ll keep you warm,” he whispers. “Just get closer.”

  I give in to it then—my aching need to be as close to him as possible—and lean against his chest, melting into his body like we’re one. The arm around my side pulls me tighter, and this is the closest I’ve ever been to a boy in my life. The fact that it’s not just any boy, but Jordan Parker, makes me feel like I’m flying.

  I’m staring straight ahead at the TV screen, trying to pretend everything is normal, that I’ve been in this position a million times. I don’t want Jordan to notice how much I’m freaking out. Can the others tell I’m freaking out? I glance quickly over to Kai and Olivia, just to make sure, and see they’re not paying any attention to me at all. Kai has his arm tight around Olivia, and she’s leaning against him, her head snuggled on his shoulder. They’re both staring intently at the TV, watching the movie like I’m watching them.

  I wonder if inside they’re freaking out too—if we’re all pretending to calmly watch this movie but internally flailing.

  Then Jordan brings a hand to my chin, turning and lifting my face toward his, and all other thoughts fly from my mind. Suddenly, he is kissing me, warm and soft and thrilling. All I can think about is how lucky I am—how Jordan could have picked any girl in the entire school to kiss, but he wanted me.

  And so we kiss, over and over again, together under the twinkle lights, and I fall a little bit more in love with him.

  NOW

  THE STORM RAGES on for the rest of the night, and it definitely feels like we’re in a horror movie. I mean, the thunder and lightning, the dark forest, and the lack of Wi-Fi are all scary, but the rest of it is scarier: snuggling with Kai on one couch, Olivia and Jordan snuggling on the other.

  Watching them kiss is more terrifying than any storm.

  Luckily, the game of truth or dare ended while I was downstairs, and when I came back, Romina had switched on a playlist and everyone was up and dancing, jumping on the couch cushions, Khalid drowning out the sound of the rain. Weirdly, the cheese thing may have worked, because Katie and Danny are dancing a little too close, laughing and whispering to each other in a way that Matt wouldn’t like if he were real.

  Eventually, thankfully, everyone decides it’s time for bed, and I extricate myself from Kai’s limbs and the couch and head back to our room. There is one positive to this night: the glorious fact that Kai and I won’t have to share a bed and no one will even know. These bunk beds are a salvation.

  I reluctantly change into the tank top and shorts I wear to sleep—Olivia and I bought matching silk boxers last year at Urban Outfitters—and I’m a little self-conscious about the fact that Kai is going to see me in them. It didn’t occur to me when I was packing. I should have brought something long-sleeved and shapeless and made of wool. Something fit for a nun.

  “You wear that to sleep?” Kai says when he sees me. He’s in a gray T-shirt and boxer shorts and I feel a little weird about it. I know they’re pretty much the same thing as regular shorts, but technically they are underwear.

  “No,” I say. “Close your eyes.”

  “Fine. Why don’t you just shut off the light?” I watch as Kai puts a hand over his face, shielding his eyes as he peels back the Elsa comforter and crawls into the bottom bunk.

  “I will. Your boxers are going to give me nightmares.” I flip off the light switch and the room goes dark. I try to find my way back over to the bunk bed, but it’s pitch-black. I trip on something sharp and metal that feels a lot like the curling iron I may or may not have left lying on the floor.

  “Ow! Dang it!”

  “All good over there?” Kai’s voice comes out of the darkness.

  “Yes,” I hiss. “I’m fine. Go to sleep.”

  “Did you just say dang it, by the way? Are you in kindergarten?”

  “Why are you still awake?”

  “Because you’re stumbling around so loudly.”

  “I’m not being loud. You’re the one still talking.” I find my way over to the ladder on the side of the bed and start to climb. There’s another big crash of thunder above us. The rain sounds extra loud down here, the plink plink of dripping water. I don’t know how I’m ever going to sleep with the storm above me and Kai below me. I bet he snores.

  “You better not snore, Penelope,” Kai says. “I’m a light sleeper.”

  “In that case I’m going to snore as loud as I can,” I snap. I climb into my top bunk, pulling back the sheets, and that’s when I feel it. The side of the mattress is wet. “Are you freaking kidding me?”

  “There’s that kindergartner again.”

  “What the fuck, Kai? Is that better?”

  “No need to swear. What’s wrong?”

  “Ugh, my bed is all wet.” I hear the dripping sound again and look up to the window. It’s still mostly too dark to see, but I can tell what’s happening. “There’s a leak.”

  I hear rustling then as Kai sits up. “Wait, really? I don’t feel anything down here.”

  “It’s coming from this window. The whole side of the mattress is wet.”

  There are some more sounds down below me. “Oh yeah, it’s dripping down the wall. There’s a puddle on the floor.”

  “Is your mattress wet?”

  “Nope, dry and cozy.”

  “Switch with me.” I turn back around and try to climb back down the ladder.

  “No way. I’m not going up there.”

  I resist the urge to kick my feet out as I’m climbing down the ladder, in case I can make contact with his stupid face. Then I’m back on the ground. “Okay, well, then I’m taking your bed and you can sleep out on the couch.”

  “Why should I take the couch?”

  “Because you’re a gentleman.”

  “We’re in love, remember? They’ll think it’s weird if we don’t sleep in the same room.”

  I stumble over to the door and flip on the light, then squeeze my eyes shut at the sudden brightness.

  “Ouch! A
little warning next time?” Kai whines.

  “Don’t be a baby.”

  I open the door and peek out into the main room of the first floor, trying to assess the situation. I’ll sleep out on the couch if I have to, and then set my alarm to wake up before everyone else. That way no one will catch me out here. But then I notice a shape slumped onto the cushions, dark curls spreading out under a blanket. Katie.

  I shut the door. “Katie is on the couch.”

  “We can share my bunk,” Kai says.

  “I would rather sleep on the floor,” I say back immediately. But of course it’s not true. The floor is tiled, the ceramic cold and hard under my feet.

  “There’s plenty of room,” Kai says, but obviously there isn’t. It’s a children’s bunk bed. The mattress was built to fit one child—not two seventeen-year-olds.

  I flip off the light so we’re plunged back into darkness. I don’t want to have to see the look on his face when I make this choice. “Okay, fine. Move over.”

  There’s more rustling as I hear Kai make space for me. I come back over to the bed and then slide under the covers next to him. And he’s right—it is dry and cozy in here and so, so warm. I can feel the heat radiating from his body, and I angle myself so I am practically hanging off the other side of the bed from him—as far away as I can possibly get. But I can still feel him right next to me—I’m too aware of his body less than an inch away.

  “Don’t touch me,” I say.

  “Pen, I gotta move a bit closer. I’m getting into leak territory over here by the wall.” Kai shifts, and then I can feel his shoulder, the side of his arm against mine. I turn away from him, trying to curve myself so we’re not touching, but it makes it worse because suddenly my back is flat against his chest, and we are snuggled up together like two freaking turtledoves.

  “You’re touching me,” I whisper.

  “There’s no space,” he whispers back.

  I know I have to give in, just let the snuggling happen, because spooning with Kai will be way more comfortable than hanging half off the bed and onto the floor. It’s the only way I might actually be comfy enough to get some sleep. So I take a deep breath and then let myself relax, melting against his chest.

  “Can I put my arm around you?” Kai asks. “It’s floating in the air right now.”

  “Okay,” I say, and so he does, setting his arm down on me and pulling me closer to his chest, his hand resting lightly against my stomach. And it’s actually kinda nice. We fit together perfectly, lined up in all the right places, and I would never admit it to him in a million years, but I’m comfortable. I think it just feels good to have someone to cuddle with, even if it’s not Jordan.

  “Is this okay?” Kai’s face is right against my shoulder, and when he speaks I can feel his lips brush my skin.

  I nod, but then realize that maybe he won’t be able to feel it, so I whisper, “Yeah, it’s okay.”

  “I can try to move if—”

  “You don’t have to move.”

  The rain patters above us, and I close my eyes, trying to fall asleep, but I’m still so aware of how close we are, how it feels to be pressed together. The hand on my stomach begins to move then, soft, fluttering fingers that find the gap of skin between my shorts and my top. I suck in a sharp breath and they freeze.

  “Don’t stop,” I reassure him, the words like an exhale I didn’t plan for. I want to take the words back, but then his fingers move again, sliding under my top so his hand is pressed right onto my skin, and it feels so good I keep quiet. Kai Tanaka is touching me. Why am I letting him touch me?

  I shift a bit then, straightening out my legs, and his legs follow. My feet find his, and then they are sliding on one another, our legs tangled together. Before I can help it, I press myself back against him, like my body has betrayed me. His hand is still tracing fluttering circles on my stomach, and then I feel his lips on my shoulder. They leave a light kiss there, so soft I think I might be imagining it.

  And for some reason, all I want to do is turn around so that I’m facing him, shift so his mouth is lined up with my lips instead of my shoulder, but I can’t let that happen. So I lie right where I am, willing my body not to move without my approval.

  We stay like that for a while longer, and I squeeze my eyes closed, trying helplessly to fall asleep. But I’m so awake, so tense, so aware of the feeling of his fingers.

  “Kai?” I say at last, my voice barely above a whisper. “You still awake?”

  He nods against my shoulder. “Mm-hmm.”

  “I’m sorry about not swimming earlier.” I don’t know what makes me say it. It’s just that lying here in the dark, I feel like we’re cocooned from the real world. Like this is the kind of place to be honest.

  “You don’t need to apologize for that,” Kai whispers.

  “I feel like I ruined your day.”

  Kai’s fingers stop moving for a second. “I had fun with you up on the boat. If I wanted to swim, I would have.”

  “You’re just saying that.”

  “Don’t worry about me,” he says. “Life is too short to waste the whole thing worrying.”

  “I can’t help it.” I pause for a long time then, listening to the rain, deciding how truthful I really want to be. “I just want everyone to like me.”

  But he doesn’t answer. His hand has stilled, and I realize he must have fallen asleep. I close my eyes and listen to the rain, and finally, eventually, I drift off too.

  THEN

  JUNIOR YEAR—DECEMBER

  “KAI ASKED ME TO BE his girlfriend.” Olivia pulls a bright pink knit hat—complete with a fluffy pompom—over her head, and makes a kissy face at herself in the mirror. We’re at the mall, trying to take advantage of the last few shopping days before Christmas.

  “Oh my god!” I answer, dropping a hideous penguin sweater back onto the rack. “Wait, when?”

  Olivia pulls the hat off her head, her smooth blonde hair still perfectly wavy beneath. “Last night.”

  “That’s amazing!”

  Jordan and I became official on December twelfth, which means he has been my boyfriend for ten whole glorious days. He took me here for our first date and we went ice-skating on the little rink they set up in the middle of the mall, drinking peppermint hot chocolates and clutching on to each other to stay warm—like we were characters in our own cheesy holiday movie. It was the single most incredible night of my entire life, and I feel bad because I know I haven’t been able to shut up about it. So I’m thrilled now that Olivia has a boyfriend too. We can be annoying and in love together.

  And I knew this was coming. Ever since our Hallmark movie marathon over Thanksgiving break, Kai and Olivia haven’t been able to stop loudly flirting with each other at all hours of every day.

  We leave H&M and automatically head in the direction of the promised land—aka Sephora. We came here to the mall because I wanted to pick out a Christmas present for Jordan, but what do you buy for a boy you’ve only been dating for ten days? I kind of want to make him something, but I don’t want to scare him off.

  It’s much easier to try on free makeup samples instead.

  Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas Is You” blasts us for what feels like the tenth time in the past hour, and I wrap my arm through Olivia’s, pulling her closer to me as we walk. “Okay, so spill the deets. Tell me everything.”

  She pauses for a minute, chewing on her bright-red-stained lips. “Okay. So, we were in the barn. He lit a bunch of candles.”

  “That sounds like a fire hazard.”

  “I’m trying to tell you my romantic story and you’re worried about if the candles are dangerous. Classic.”

  “That barn is old! Lots of dry wood.”

  Olivia looks at me for a second. “Well, sure. Okay, you’re right. They weren’t real candles, they were those little light
bulb ones. Anyway . . .”

  Olivia stops midsentence as we walk into Sephora, and then pulls me over to one of the little mirrors. She grabs a shimmery, wintry-looking cream shadow and starts dabbing it on her lids.

  “Anyway . . . what?” I nudge her to continue the story. I don’t really get why she’s being so cagey about this. When Jordan and I got together, I FaceTimed Olivia immediately, explained the entire conversation to her word for word so we could decode it. That’s what I want to do now.

  Maybe this act is because of my history with Kai. But my friendship with Olivia is more important than that. I would never say anything rude about Kai now that they’re together. I mean, at least not out loud.

  She screws the top back onto the pot of eye shadow and sets it down. “All right, so you know how he and I have been friends for years? So we were watching a movie and Kai, like . . . couldn’t stop talking about how amazing I am. He was like . . . ‘You are a literal goddess and I am obsessed with you, you smell amazing, you’re the hottest girl I’ve ever seen.’” She picks up a tube of highlighter and tests a bit on her wrist.

  “He said all that?” I ask, a weird, uncomfortable flutter in my stomach.

  “Yup. And he was like . . . “‘You’re the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep. I just want to be with you, and when you know you want to be with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.’”

  “Isn’t that . . . When Harry Met Sally?” I ask, turning to her hesitantly.

  “What?” She laughs, then drops the highlighter back down on the shelf with a clatter. “Oh yeah. I mean, that’s the movie we were watching.”

  Of course Kai would quote some movie at her instead of coming up with his own original thoughts. He’d actually have to care about something for more than three seconds to put any effort into trying to impress her. “Wow,” I say, and then realize I’m grimacing. I try to smile but know it probably looks more like I’m constipated.

  “Are you okay?” Olivia asks.

  “Oh yeah,” I say. “Yeah. I think it’s adorable.”