Hot Desk

by Zara Stoneley

  Then there were the ones that made me sure he would come back.

  Claire asked about you. I told her I’d always had you at the back of my mind since that very first kiss. I’ve measured every other kiss against it. She remembered you, said she knew I’d fancied you from the first day she started work. How did she work that one out? Why am I such a dickhead? J xxx

  Some of his calls I wish I could save, some of the time I wished I was closer so that I could hug him.

  ‘He said Dada today! I could have cried, I could feel the tears welling up at the back of my eyes, my throat constricting. She said she’d told him, he knew, ’cos he needed to. But it’s not enough, is it, Alice? I don’t know if I can forgive her or not. I feel a little bit sad, no actually I’m gutted that I’ve missed out on so much of Alfie’s life already to be honest. I can never get that back, can I?’

  The next day he was more upbeat when he rang.

  ‘I don’t want to count my chickens as my mum would say, but I’ve got a good feeling about this. I think we can work it out. Claire does love Alfie to bits, which is what’s really important. We’re going to draw something legal up, like my solicitor recommended. But it looks like we agree we don’t want to go to court if we can avoid it.’

  ‘That’s brilliant.’

  ‘God, I feel so far away from you. I wish you were here, and I could share this moment with you properly. I can’t wait to get home and talk to you properly.’

  He wants to share the moment with me. A moment that’s really important in his life. That’s the type of sharing I need in my life.

  Then there was the message I’d been waiting for.

  I wish I could capture Alfie’s chuckle, it’s amazing. Nothing like the pure joy of a happy child, is there? I’ve told Claire I don’t want her to move. This is an amazing place to bring him up and I’ll still get to see him. We’ve drafted an agreement out with the help of a local solicitor, and it’s been emailed over to mine. I’m heading home, Alice! Can’t wait to see you J xxx

  And the email I’ve kept and backed up. Never to be deleted.

  I miss you, Alice. Wish you were here with me. I miss your notes if you don’t leave them on the desk, I missed you the moment you left me after dropping off that wedding dress, I missed you the moment we finished lunch after I told you I was coming to Cornwall.

  * * *

  I guess I’ve been consumed with Alfie ever since I found out about him. Partly because I’d been deceived, partly because it seemed unfair, partly because I hated the thought of him never knowing me – of me never knowing him. But I’ve not been fair to you. I’ve trampled over your feelings. The girl I’ve spent years dreaming about.

  * * *

  The girl I fell in love with as I watched her dance towards me – only seeing me at the last moment. As I’d seen the look in your eyes when you did, the taste of your lips beneath mine I swore you were the one for me.

  * * *

  I’ve done a good job the last couple of years pretending I wasn’t bothered. How could I treat you like that? I hope you can forgive me, cos I’m not sure I ever want to let you go again. I want you in my life.

  * * *

  From Cornwall, with love.

  Jamie xxx

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Friday

  The two weeks Jamie has been down in Cornwall seems like years – even though he’s rung me most days and sent me all those photos of Alfie crying, Alfie laughing and Alfie covered in ice cream. There have also been photos of seagulls, cliffs, beaches and giant Cornish pasties. But the Alfie pictures are the sweetest.

  Even with the calls and messages though it has seemed weird going into work and there never being a message from him. He has seemed so far away.

  Those Post-it notes had been the highlight of the day for a while; reading them, and even trying to come up with a witty response had meant I’d rushed in each morning to give myself extra time before the office filled up and it all got too chaotic.

  Since he’s been away there’s been no sense of urgency, no real need.

  Today though it is Friday, and Jamie messaged last night to say he was home. Knackered, but back.

  He might not have made it in this morning, but it doesn’t matter. He is back! The day he went I’d felt different. I’d felt sad, I’d felt that any moment he could leave my life for ever but gradually, over the last fortnight, things have changed.

  Our chats have gotten longer, our messages more intimate, things have shifted. I’ve realized I’m missing him so much not because I’m half afraid it could be over for good any moment before it’s properly started, but because I know he’ll come back. To me. To us.

  Okay, there’s no knowing exactly what that means, but I know it means something. I’m sure of it. And if it goes, as Soph would say, tits up, then at least I’ll know we gave it a go, this thing between us. This spark that was there the very first moment we saw each other and has never quite gone away.

  It is 1pm when I waltz in the office, humming to myself. I am practically skipping –wondering if I’ll cross paths with Jamie – when the dragon lady leaps out of her office and bars my way.

  ‘I need to talk to you about dildos. Now! In my office!’ She practically drags me through the doorway while I’m still trying to work out what she’s talking about. ‘This is not funny. I’m all for complimentary products, but whatever you have said to them, they have got the wrong idea.’ She glares at me. If she was actually a dragon, I would be on fire, severely frazzled. As it is, just the strength of the stare is making me feel a bit queasy.

  ‘I’m sorry, I—’

  ‘Look!’ she hisses.

  Her whole desk is covered with multicoloured dildos and vibrators, and every sex aid you can think of – and some I have never, ever imagined. And some of them are enormous. They make me clench my thighs together.

  ‘It’s nothing to do with—’

  ‘What the fuck did you tell them, Alice? We wanted to road test the whole range?’

  I’m also clenching my teeth, trying not to laugh. ‘I’m not sure road test is the right—’ I stop talking. Her gaze is withering.

  ‘You will have to move them, get rid of them, take them home, I don’t care!’

  Take them home? Is she mad?

  ‘But we aren’t allowed to take…’ I’m sure she is growling. ‘This is nothing to do with me.’

  ‘You’re designing the website!’

  ‘No, I’m not!’ Haha, I realize what is going on now. ‘I swapped accounts with Tina. This is hers, I’ve got Doggie Bites.’

  ‘Oh.’ She folds her arms. ‘Right, well, if you see her tell her I want to see her. Immediately.’

  I glance at the time as I stomp out of her office, head held high as I am not responsible for the surfeit of sex aids. Though I was tempted by the gold ‘bullet’ which did look rather tasteful. And cool.

  It’s late. Even if Jamie was here this morning, he will have left by now. He’ll think I’m working from home. I feel a bit deflated.

  There’s no sign of Tina, which is lucky for her. Or unlucky. It might be just what she wants on a Friday afternoon.

  My desk looks odd even from a distance, and as I get closer I realize it is because there are additions. There are sticky notes of all colours, and… Oh my god.

  Mabel is wearing a bikini. A bright-blue one. She has a note stuck to her foot. I peel it off and read. It’s a no socks time of year. Thought she should be colour coordinated with her feet.

  Grinning, I sling my handbag under the desk and sit down. Oh my, it is so good to have Jamie back, even if he’s not actually here.

  I’ve missed him so much.

  I open my emails, just so I look like I’m working if the dragon lady comes by, and then pick up the nearest note.

  Top drawer of your pedestal

  I open the drawer tentatively – the Jamie of old would have put something in there that launched itself out at me. Nothing springs out. I open it wider. Next to m
y notepad is a pebble, washed smooth by the sea, with a large ‘A’ painted unevenly on it. I pick it up and uncover a note. A present from Alfie, from one A to another. J x

  My throat constricts as I run my finger over the smooth stone. Oh my god, does this mean he’s actually told his son about me? I carefully place it in my bag. I don’t want to leave this here; I want it at home where I can look at it whenever I want.

  In Rodder’s pot! says the next note. In the pot, next to my fossil there’s a little jar, full of coloured sand with a tag that says, ‘Love from Cornwall’. On the back he’s written: Another memento from Cornwall, thought our desk was looking a bit bare. J xx

  Check your emails, look like you’re working! is the last note.

  So I do.

  The email from him is brief and to the point.

  After-work drink? Missed you J x

  I feel so giddy; my hands are trembling and I can hardly type but I manage to message him back, then, still smiling, start to work my way through my other emails.

  I must concentrate, I must, I must, I must. If I don’t get cracking, I’ll be here all night, and no way am I going to miss seeing him this evening and finding out how it went.

  And I’m not going to miss touching him, smelling him, hugging him.

  My mobile beeps and I pick it up, expecting a message from Jamie, but it’s from Soph.

  How did it go? Is he back? Is he going to Spain? Speak to me!!!! S xx

  I grin. She’s always been impatient and demanding. She’s also always been lovely, and she knows I’ve missed him.

  Not seen him yet, but he’s back, he left notes. A x

  And?

  From the notes it sounds good! Seeing him later A x

  The notes are good, they’re happy. He sounds happy.

  Keep me informed! We’ve just come off Le Shuttle! Oo la la!! Epic! S xx

  It’s accompanied by a selfie of her and Daz driving along in the camper van, grinning broadly. Then a shot out of the window of them following the other vehicles off the train onto French soil.

  So, after a week or so of trying out camper van life in the UK, my little sis has crossed the border, the sea, off on her big adventure.

  But Jamie has come back to me from his. I think. I realize my fingers are crossed as I type a reply to my sister.

  Awesome, bring back lots of wine and send photos! Need to work, will update you later. Love you A x

  I go and get a fresh cup of coffee from the machine, then get my head down.

  ‘Somebody looks happy!’ says Sal as she passes by, and I realize I’m smiling as I type away.

  I’ve been clock-watching ever since I read Jamie’s email and, with ten minutes to go, I’m feeling so fidgety I can’t sit still and, rather than working, I’m pretending to tidy things up. Office supplies have never been so tidy. Our pen pot is looking particularly well organized, with our pens and pencils alternating – instead of his on one side, and mine on the other, and I’m just about to turn my monitor off when an email lands.

  Disaster. So sorry, Alice, my parents have just arrived on my doorstep. They never come here, and they never, ever turn up anywhere unannounced. Unless they’ve just discovered they’ve got a grandson. Made the mistake of breaking the news to them on my drive back up from Cornwall. I could sneak over to yours later? Am sure they won’t stay too late. J xx

  Is it mean and inconsiderate to hate his parents right now?

  Sure. I’m yours whenever! A x

  I realize about ten seconds after I hit send that that wasn’t exactly subtle. But I don’t care!

  There’s an instant ping on my mobile and I grab it. It isn’t a message from Jamie, it’s from Lucy.

  HELP!! My waters just broke. Can you come over and watch the twins? I’ll pay you in as much gin and chocolate as you want. I’ll take you for a spa weekend (once I can walk again).

  She couldn’t walk properly for quite a while after the twins arrived.

  I’m desperate! Mum and Dad aren’t answering, and Darcie won’t. PLEASE!!

  To be fair to Darcie, last time she babysat the twins they painted her handbag and filled it with worms. It was a very expensive designer handbag that she’d been waiting for for evah and had owned for literally four hours. She’d left it on display on the kitchen table, so that it could be admired. A bit rash really, knowing Leo and Brad.

  Of course I can. Be there in fifteen, can you hang on that long?? Xx

  What else can I say? ‘Jamie has just got back, and I’ve got to see him before I explode with need’? Yeah, right.

  Can she hang on that long, though? When your waters break does it mean the baby could pop out any minute, second time around? Second babies come quicker, don’t they? Bugger, bugger, I better hurry up.

  You’re amazing. Dan’s getting my stuff, Dee said she’ll wait in for you as long as it isn’t going to be more than 30 minutes as she’s got an appointment. Love you!!

  Well she can still text, that’s promising. She can’t be having contractions from hell if she can type. Dee, Lucy’s neighbour, probably hasn’t got anything of the sort though –nobody likes looking after the twins for more than thirty minutes.

  Love you too! Can’t wait to meet the new addition!! Alice x

  Sugar, sugar, sugar, hope I’m not going to meet it landing on the living room floor just as I walk in. I try not to panic, but I’m multi-tasking and turning off my computer as I message.

  At least her timing as far as my office hours goes is impeccable. Total rubbish timing as far as my potential love life is concerned.

  Shit, shit, shit. I can’t believe it! How can this happen when I am so close to getting my eyes, my hands, on him again?

  I message Jamie as I wait for the lift.

  Bugger, Luce just messaged. Got to babysit the twins, her waters have broken! Can you believe it??? I was so looking forward to a catch-up. A x PS Are your parents over the moon, or on the warpath?

  I hit ‘send’ and wonder how Lucy would feel about me bribing Dee to stay a bit longer? Nope, let’s face it, Dee has known the twins since they were born. She’s never going to fall for that – no amount of money (not that I can afford much) is going to work. Or inviting Jamie along? Hmm not sure on that one. I’d been looking forward to being reunited under slightly more intimate conditions than the twins throwing chicken nuggets over our heads.

  You’re kidding? Wow – hope it goes okay.

  I wonder if he means for me, or for Lucy?

  Keep me updated. Sorry, can’t apologize enough about the parents though. I can’t believe they’re here! Over the moon is an understatement – they’ve brought toys, bubbly, clothes, the works. Not sure when they’ll leave. How about we catch up on the phone when they do?

  That is a lovely thought, but unless Leo and Brad are asleep, they won’t give me a minute’s peace. He’ll be chatting to them not me; it will be as romantic as meeting up in the baboon enclosure at a zoo.

  Then meet tomorrow? Picnic?? Looks like it’s going to be a nice day J x

  It is going to be a nice day, whatever the weather. I’m sure it is. Even eating stale sausage rolls under an umbrella with a gale force wind blowing my hair in my face would be nice. Though I don’t mean for one moment that I can imagine him bringing stale pastry items.

  Picnic sounds great! Sorry, got to dash, will message you later A xx

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Saturday

  ‘Door for you!’ bellows Harry. I was already on my way down, but he beat me to it. ‘It’s the okay one.’

  Haha, the okay one. I just realize that I have not thought about (or seen) the not-okay one since I returned his mother’s bridal wear. ‘On my way.’ I’m already breathless and all I’ve done is dive out of my room.

  Oh boy. It’s the more-than-okay one. Jamie is standing at the bottom of the stairs when I hurtle down and, wow, does he look good. Would it be wrong to jump on him? Cornwall must have suited him. Or maybe it was Alfie as well.

  �
��Thanks, Harry,’ I pant out, trying to sound casual and failing miserably. He waves in acknowledgement. He’s got a bacon butty in his other hand, and his wellies on, so he must be heading out to do some work. Though I hardly notice, I can’t take my eyes off Jamie.

  I’ve seen him in work gear, when he’s always looked good but a bit of an everyday guy, I’ve seen him in shorts, sexy and chilled, I’ve seen him in all kinds. But today, in tight jeans, chunky leather belt and white T-shirt, his hair just flicking over his ears, the hint of a kiss curl on his forehead, he looks as hot as hell.

  He could carry off a cowboy hat and boots right now, and not look a prat or a poser. He’d just look perfect.

  ‘Hey,’ he says, and for a moment I feel shy, standing there drinking him in.

  ‘Hi!’ I squeak back. Still staring, hesitating.

  He’s always looked good to my eyes, but it takes me a moment to work out why he looks even better than normal. He looks, as Mum would say, ‘well’.

  The tan suits him, but he looks brighter, less stressed. He looks totally chilled, at ease. And he’s got the biggest grin on his face I’ve ever seen. I think he’s pleased to see me.

  ‘Come here, stranger!’ Then he opens his arms, and every bit of hesitation goes. I’m in there. No invite necessary.

  I expect him to give me a quick hug, but this is more than that, this is one major, hang-on bear hug, and he plants a smacker straight on my mouth. ‘Too much?’

  ‘Never.’ I look up at him and grin back.

  ‘You ready to go?’ I nod, and he finally releases his grip on me, takes my hand in his. ‘Come on then.’

  ‘Where?’ I can’t stop smiling. It is just so good to see him, I didn’t realize how much I’d missed him until now. If he’s only here for a day, a week, a month and then he’s heading off to Cornwall, or Spain, or wherever, I don’t care. I decided while he was away that I was going to make the most of every moment of my life if I can. I’m going to take things as they come. We can work this out.