Mirror Bound

by Kirsten Bij't Vuur

  This clearly struck Jonathan as true, and he replied: 'I did not, sir, but now you mention it, I recognise it as the truth. She has not one single happy memory. Taking care of those rejected kids without memory was the happiest time in her life.'

  This really hit home with Tristan, but his voice didn't give away his emotion as he said: 'Jonathan, would it be possible for you to call me by my first name, Tristan, as Melissa here does?'

  Jonathan nodded and automatically said: 'Yes sir. I mean Tristan. It will be difficult for me, I was taught to talk to grown-ups in a certain way.'

  Here, Tristan observed: 'I understand, but to me you are more grown-up than most adults I know. What you did is unparalleled, you deserve all the respect a man can give you. I find it hard to accept deference from you.'

  And him a noble, an adept and a council member!

  He wasn't done yet: 'I'm sure you will find your way, but I promise you I will do everything in my power to find a place and an occupation for Laura that will keep her busy and as happy as she can ever be.

  I think she needs to take care of others before she can be happy herself, and there are places where someone can be taught to do that for a living.'

  This was another load off the boy's shoulders, and I really wanted to hug Tristan, but I was afraid it would make a totally wrong impression so I checked myself.

  Jonathan was controlled by disposition, but he went as far as to lay a hand on the tall man's arm, and said: 'Thank you so much, Tristan. You are right, I will be fine, but I truly worry about Laura. I am all she has ever had, but like Lukas, I will not be claimed, I cannot be her property.

  Her life and mine will have to separated for the good of both.'

  Tristan and I looked at one another, and I'm sure we both thought just one thing: 'Grown-up.'

  By now we had passed by the house, and we were on our way to the lawn in front of it, where the children were playing.

  Tristan asked: 'Are these all rescues?' I said: 'The boy near adulthood is Marcus, George's only son, and the girl who is 'it' is Bertha, his youngest daughter.

  He has two other daughters, Ilsa, the eldest, and Julia, who is two or three years Marcus' junior. I don't see them here, though I'm sure Frances has them helping out with so many guests. They don't have that many staff.'

  'This is a lovely place to live,' Tristan mused, 'so peaceful. Some on the council want George to sell to let the city grow, but I say the city needs this haven of clean air. I wish I had more than only a house with a garden, though my estate is nice as well. It's a day's ride from here.

  Anyway, it would never be complete without a family.'

  Now, Jonathan broke his musing: 'Look, Felicity is watching the ball!' A girl of about twelve, one of the catatonic cases, was indeed following the ball with her head, and she was even smiling.

  'Lukas treated her yesterday, with George, but he couldn't find any memories since she was rejected. She was drained so far it damaged her brain. But he did find memories from her youth, and her name, and it seems the other children playing stirs something in her,' Jonathan was truly happy to see this.

  'They've sent for her parents, with a warning she was hurt mentally. Who knows if she'll ever recover.'

  At that moment I saw Paul coming around the house and I felt my little thrill.

  I waved at him and he turned my way immediately, accompanied by George and Ilsa. I couldn't help hugging him, and then I hugged Ilsa as well, saying:

  'Good to see you again, Ilsa.

  She replied: 'Glad you're here, it's a madhouse. Mum makes me work for my living now, and I've you three to thank for that.'

  Of course she said that with a smile, for she looked really happy, and not at

  all disturbed by Paul's presence.

  I decided to introduce Jonathan to Paul first, and hoped Tristan would not be insulted: 'Jonathan, it is my great pleasure to introduce you to Paul Kenwick, my magic's teacher and the love of my life. And Paul, this is Jonathan, whom I've wanted you to meet since I first got to know him.'

  They shook hands, and measured one another, then Jonathan spoke first: 'I congratulate you, sir, for having been chosen by such a gorgeous woman.'

  The little sneak, was that payback for making him blush just now? But Paul answered him as if he had truly meant it, was he seeing too much, or I too little?

  'Thank you Jonathan, I'm very aware of being a very fortunate man. Though it seems you have made quite an impression on her too.'

  I could see they were hitting it off as I'd hoped, so I left them to joke about me in relative privacy, turning towards Tristan. Who looked dumbfounded rather than insulted.

  I followed his gaze to find it resting on Ilsa, who was watching the children play, and commenting on it to her father.

  She did look rather nice, a beautiful woman next to her handsome father, young, unattached, of a noble and very sociable family, where an adept could be himself without having to fear being found out and persecuted for practising magic.

  It would be so fitting, but he was at least thirty, not handsome at all, just very friendly and smart, and I was convinced, eager to be claimed and possessed.

  Would his power and influence in politics count for this family?

  I had no clue, but I knew he would never be introduced to her in the right way without my help. I put an arm on his shoulder, and gently pushed him towards her.

  He looked at me in alarm, but he clearly also possessed that total facial control that seemed inherent in males with a lot of magic, for when I gave him a reassuring smile he rearranged his face to show polite interest. I couldn't help commenting on this: 'Bravo Tristan, you're as good as Paul and George at hiding your real feelings.

  Make sure you pick the right time to reveal them though, or she'll never know you like her. She's single, just recovering from a love gone sour, eager to make love again, but very afraid to fall in love again, if you catch my meaning.

  I'll introduce you, trust your good sense to do the rest.'

  And with a few steps we were standing next to Ilsa. I touched her shoulder and she turned, and I could have sworn I saw something fall into place inside her, too.

  Still, I said to her: 'Ilsa, may I introduce Tristan Telling to you? He's actually your father's friend, but I thought it would look better for him to be introduced by a young person.

  Tristan, this is George's daughter Ilsa, we are planning to hit the dance-floor soon with our mutual friends. Maybe you can come too.'

  Ilsa took both Tristan's hands in a gesture far too intimate for the occasion, but I don't think he noticed, as she said: 'Mr Telling, Tristan, I've heard so much about you from papa, I'm very pleased to finally meet you.

  I had expected papa to bring you with him much earlier, he usually brings every young man he does business with to visit us, but I suppose you were never able to make it.'

  With a shamed face he admitted: 'I made up excuses every time he asked, telling him I was too busy or engaged elsewhere, when in fact I was at home alone, loathing myself for not daring to accept a simple invitation to dine with a friend's family.

  Social occasions make me feel uncomfortable.'

  I decided this was the right time to leave them to themselves, and hope things would turn out well. Paul and Jonathan were still deep in conversation, looking out over the lawn with playing children, so I decided to check on Lukas, see if he was still feeling well.

  But on my way to the greenhouse I got company from George, who asked me: 'I hope you didn't get the idea that I was opposed to Paul marrying you, my dear.' I looked at him, saw real concern in his handsome face and told him: 'Of course not, it was clear that you were just worried about Lukas.

  I shared my worries about shutting Lukas out with Paul at the very moment he proposed, and he told me loved me far too much to break my heart by doing that.'

  'I'm very relieved to hear that, and I'm truly happy that Paul finally found someone he wants to share his life with,' George said, 'it was heart
breaking when he shut the world out and only lived to work on his house and study.

  To be honest, Tristan reminds me of him sometimes, he also seems bent on living in his mind alone, forgetting he has a heart as well. I was glad to hear

  you and him using first names, did he ask you to?'

  I replied: 'He did, he had observed Lukas healing one of the boys, had seen the life return to him, and he saw Lukas crash in my arms with fatigue afterwards. It made an impression on him. And talking to Jonathan did too.'

  'I believe that boy has a crush on you, he couldn't wait to see you again with his hair washed and cut, and in decent clothes,' George observed. That was quite shock to me, for if he did, he'd be doubly disappointed right now.

  I said: 'You're kidding, I hope? I complimented him on his good looks, but after that I spent half an hour caressing Lukas back to life after the healing, mentioned off-handedly that I was going to get married, and when he asked me to explain my intimacy with Lukas I bluntly told him I loved Lukas, but was going to marry a man who didn't mind being claimed.

  That would have hurt the poor boy.'

  George laughed at my description and observed: 'No, I'm afraid he really has a crush on you, but he is well aware you are much older than him, and if he thought you were seeing Lukas he already knew you weren't free, even if he pictured you with the wrong guy.

  And if he decides to cast his lot in with the three of you, he'll find out how things really are sooner or later.'

  This confused me quite a bit, and I really wanted to talk to Paul right now, so I decided to interrupt his talk with Jonathan, and told George I was going to do so.

  He said: 'Good luck, they seem to have taken a real liking to each other, good for the boy! He could do worse than follow Paul's example. As could Tristan.'

  Now I could surprise George, so I told him: 'I guess Tristan is well on his way, the reason I introduced him to Ilsa instead of letting you do it was that I caught him staring at her in admiration. I gave him some good advice and threw him in the deep end.'

  And indeed, I had surprised George, but pleasantly, for Tristan was a good match for any noble girl. I spotted Paul and Jonathan quickly, planning to listen to their conversation for a while until they'd notice my presence.

  But I'm afraid the boy really was infatuated, for he spotted me even before my sweet lover did. Jonathan asked: 'Will you be treating another one of my children today?

  Paul wants to watch this time, he tells me he's never been present yet when Lukas healed someone.' I thought of the time Lukas had healed Paul, but I

  suppose that didn't count.

  I replied: 'He certainly is planning to do so, do you have anyone in particular in mind? I was just going to find Lukas, but first I need to talk to Paul for a few minutes.'

  Jonathan quickly offered: 'I'll find him, and I'll find one of the children still waiting to be healed. There are six left, including the boy who's like Felicity.

  She smiled again.'

  And off he was, running fast, as boys like to do.

  Chapter 43

  Finally I could embrace my lover as I wanted, and we kissed for good measure. I took a good look at him, and asked: 'Are you holding up? You've been on your feet the whole afternoon, maybe you should lie down in the grass for a while.'

  He nuzzled my neck and said: 'If you stay with me, if I let you go now that charismatic boy will have you under his spell in a second. You do realize he has quite a crush on you? He told me so himself.'

  I found a nice grassy place to lie down in, and took him down with me.

  'George told me, if I had known I had told him about you a little less nonchalantly. Was he very hurt?'

  Paul laughed and replied: 'He was not, he knew you were not for him, he just likes to look at you and remembers fondly how you held him when he was filthy and in tears. I guess you're just a very sexy mother figure to him.'

  By now we were both lying in the grass, Paul clearly relieved to take the weight off his back for a while.

  I stroked him gently, my perfect man, and he just enjoyed it, trying to get as much rest as he could. I said: 'Paul, Lukas wants to do another healing this afternoon, and then..' it was hard this time, with Paul lying there, in pain.

  'Then he has a price to pay, I know my love. I try to imagine the things he goes through each time, and I just cannot.

  When I needed him he was there for me, you both were, and now he needs you. I want to be there when he does the healing, I need to see it for myself.

  He must be suffering, the way people describe him afterwards, Melissa, is it really so bad?

  Those children can wait a few more days, they're not dying. Maybe we should talk to him about it, he may be in pain over this.'

  'We'll talk to him tonight, I've also been thinking it may be too much. But he really wants to do this, and it is impressive to watch him battle those demonic memories. You once told me Lukas is a lot wiser and stronger than he seems to be, and I think this time it has to be me reminding you of that,' I said,

  snuggling against him and holding him close to me, until Lukas and Jonathan came looking for us with an apprehensive girl in tow.

  Walking back together towards the greenhouse, I saw Paul close to Lukas, not so much talking as just being together.

  I decided to play the mother role towards Jonathan, walking close and putting an arm around him. 'How are you holding up, Jonathan? Still feeling responsible?,' I asked him, feeling his slim form tense a little, then relax.

  He looked at me and now I recognized it, they were right, this boy on the edge of manhood had chosen to trust me with his love: 'I'm fine, my body is satisfied with the good food, and rest, and one by one all my charges are becoming friends instead of worries.

  Except Laura, she still worries me, but Tristan has promised to take her off my hands. Do you think he can really do that?'

  I told him: 'If he promises, he surely will, he is a powerful man but very sensitive underneath I think.'

  'Like your man. I like him, can't help liking him, but I suppose I'm too young to really fall in love anyway,' he said, more to himself than to me. I thought: with the things you've been through Jonathan, I don't think you're to young for anything.

  But of course that wouldn't help, so I kept that thought to myself.

  And asked him: 'I thought you were going to be a child for some time?'

  'I was, but I constantly find myself thinking of when you held me in your arms. It felt so warm, and so safe, and you didn't mind that I was filthy or that I was a sixteen year old crying like a baby.' He was so sweet, so honest.

  I said: 'Jonathan, you're not in love, you just need love. You have not had love for over two years, you just want to be held by someone who loves you.

  And you most certainly didn't cry like a baby, you cried like a sixteen year old who had taken care of a whole family of disabled children whilst being disabled himself, through two winters, without any means of getting adequate food or drink or clothing or shelter.

  You don't even realize how extraordinary that is. You didn't lose even one, not even the ones who didn't eat by themselves. Most people would have given up immediately, you stuck it out and when someone took over, you cried in relief, and in grief over what you didn't remember you had lost. You are the strongest person I know, no exceptions, and though I cannot make love to you, I can love you, a lot, and I can cuddle you and hug you as much

  as you like.

  And yes, if you feel like it, you can cry again.

  You thought being a hero is painless? You thought council member Tristan Telling lets any sixteen year old call him by his first name?

  Did Paul offer to teach you magic?'

  'He did,' Jonathan said, 'but I'm afraid it may be too painful to see you two together.'

  I did not want to lose this boy to a misplaced idea of what love was, so I asked: 'Do you want to test it?'

  He didn't understand: 'Test what?' I replied: 'Test whether you're just looking for
love, or whether you are really in love with me.'

  He asked: 'How?' I laughed and said: 'It's easy, you sit on my lap, I hug you, and stroke your hair, and if you want to go further than that, you know, touch my breasts, go between my legs, you're in love. I you don't, you just need the kind of love I can give you.'

  Seeing his face when I mentioned sexual acts really superficially, I had my answer already, he was clearly still a child, disgusted by the idea of having sex. But he needed to find out for himself, so I awaited his answer, sure he would want to try it out, would want to feel loved again.

  We walked on in silence, and suddenly he said: 'I do need to know, it feels so real but the idea of making love appals me.'

  So I sat down on the nearest patch of grass, and held out my arms to him. He was in them in a second, head on my chest, arms around me. I held him close to me, and did indeed stroke his hair, now clean, and his beardless face. He felt like a boy to me, and smelled like a boy to me, and it felt good to just comfort him.

  He did not tense, and he did not speak, and when I felt him shake a little in my arms I looked at Paul and Lukas meaningfully and they walked on.

  They'd wait for us.

  It felt like a long time before he looked up at me, his eyes red, a tear still wet on his cheek. I wiped it away with my hand, and kissed him on his forehead.

  He leaned back against me again, at peace now, convinced he wasn't in love with me, convinced he could stay and learn magic from the man I loved.

  I still stroked his hair, it felt like the right thing to do, give some innocent love to this boy who had been forced to act like a man for such a long time.

  He was waiting for his voice to return to normal, and then he said: 'You were

  right, I just needed to be held, to be loved like a child, not like a man. It was really good to cry without upsetting anyone, I feel much lighter now. Will you hold me again sometimes?' I just said: 'I will.'

  And then we both got up and walked to the greenhouse together, where I kissed Paul, then sat on the ground with Lukas and reached for the ley-line.