by Tara Brown
I’d had visions for months on how this would play out and had basically ruined it.
“Evie, just open the door.”
“Just a minute,” I called back and climbed into the shower, letting my false lashes and makeup melt from me.
A sound drew my attention as I soaped up. I turned to find a naked and impressive Coop standing on the other side of the glass. “You’re not wrecking this. I've plotted this for months.”
He climbed in and stole all the water from me, giving me a look that melted my awkwardness away.
“Evie,” he spoke softly as he leaned down and kissed my cheek. “I wish I was a person who could explain things better. I wish I could show you inside my heart so you’d know how I feel.”
“I think I know, Coop.” I swallowed hard as a year’s worth of emotion slid from me. “You are the most loyal and caring person I’ve ever met. And maybe you can’t tell me how you feel, but you don't need to. Your actions have exceeded any explanation I might have needed or wanted. I can’t imagine a world without you.” And that was the cold hard truth. I needed him. I didn't just love him and like him and find safety in him. I needed him. I bit my lip and took his beautiful face in.
“You’re my family, Evie.”
“Exactly my point. And I’m going to be brutally honest, I don't care that talking isn’t your strong suit. You have plenty of others that are much more important." I slid a hand along his rigid chest to his abs, riding each speed bump to his erect cock. I wrapped a wet hand around the shaft, recalling with perfect clarity this feeling of him in my hands.
He didn't say anything smart-assed but instead inhaled sharply as I stroked him. His lips found mine, caressing and sucking them in as we kissed with that same passion Luce and I always discussed. He kissed me like it was the only thing on his mind for the last year.
He slammed me into the shower wall, crushing me with the size of him as his hands roamed me, lifting me to position himself between my legs. But I didn't want a shower fuck. I wiggled away, seeing the monster I’d made of him. He was seething sex.
“Hurry up.” I climbed out of the shower and dried off, trying not to watch him.
I climbed into the bed and waited like I was the anxious bride.
The water shut off and he came out a couple of minutes later wearing just a towel.
He dropped the towel, revealing he was still semi hard, and climbed onto the bed, pushing me back and hovering over me. “I love you, Evie. With my whole heart.”
“I know.” I wrapped my arms around his head, pulling him down on me. He kissed me but it was different. It was less driven but more needy. He needed to touch me and hold me. His strong hands wrapped me up in him.
His kisses started at my nape, working down my chest to my breasts where he licked my nipple, sucking in and flicking before traveling further south.
I gasped my breaths as his face burrowed between my legs. He invaded me with his tongue, flicking my clit and nibbling at it.
My body responded, grinding against him as he slipped a finger inside me and continued to work my clit.
Closing my eyes I let them roll back as I arched my back and clung to him, rotating my hips in the way I needed to until the waves of pleasure washed over me. I tightened and came with fierceness. As I drew my last shuddering breath, he climbed up me, his erect cock bobbing between my drenched lips.
He lowered his face, kissing me as he pushed himself between my lips. “You miss me, Evie?”
“I missed you,” I begged for it, nodding eagerly.
“I think I need to hear how bad.” He reached between my legs and rubbed his cock up and down me.
“I can’t think how much. Fuck me, please.” I angled myself, trying to push him into me but it was a tight fit.
“I’m gonna fuck you so hard.” He took a deep breath, groaning a growl as he forced himself all the way in, making me gasp. It took several seconds for my body to adjust.
“Oh fuck,” I burst out as he dragged himself from me and pushed back in, still feeling like he was going to split me.
He grabbed my arms and pushed them over my head, gripping tightly as he thrust in harder. I lifted my head as he burrowed his face in my neck, pressing a single kiss into my nape and holding it.
Waves of pleasure started to build inside me. I lifted my legs more, helping him fuck me harder. He was doing exactly what I wanted, the way he always did.
He sat back, placing my feet on his shoulders and grabbed my hips, pounding me, fucking me harder. He thrust his body and pushed mine at the same time. I lost all control as his thrusts got faster and harder.
As the pleasure built, I moaned and pushed my hands up to the headboard, grasping and helping to hold myself in one place as the climax rolled over me, forcing my pussy to grab on to him. I came in a series of muffled words I didn’t know. They weren’t English.
When I was done, he pulled out and flipped me over, spreading my legs with his body and pushing his cock into me. He lifted my ass and thrust so hard I chanted, “Oh fuck,” for several seconds. His body slapped against mine, pounding me with pleasure.
When he finally came, his fingers were leaving bruises on my hips and his cock was so deep I couldn't think straight. It was his turn to chant, “Oh fuck.” Until he couldn't move. He collapsed on me, gasping for air in my hair.
We lay there for several minutes, gulping inhales and trying not to move. I didn’t know what to say, and I was certain he didn’t either. We’d been in this exact position before.
After several awkward moments, he began to rub my back. “Another shower?” He knew I liked getting clean after sex.
“Yeah.” I nodded into the bed hardly able to breathe with him crushing me.
He got off me and climbed off the bed, holding a hand out for me. I took it and let him lead me to the shower.
We stood under the spray again, him hogging most of it, when he leaned in and kissed me delicately. “I missed you so much.”
“I missed you too.” I missed him. I missed sex. I missed sharing my space with someone. Particularly this someone.
“We telling the kids we’re dating again?”
“Are we dating again or are we just sticking with what it already is? But now you sleep at our house and we kiss?” I asked up into his grin.
“Moving in and being a family?” He shrugged. “It’s all I want, Evie.”
“Okay then.” I grinned back, kissing him. “But, I still don’t like your mom.”
“That’s fair.” He laughed. “She isn’t going to like this anyway. But on another note, I want you to retire and find something else to do. I’m safe in the office. There will be no more threats to our lives or the kids’. I want you safe too.”
“Okay,” I agreed, feeling the rightness in the choice. Mostly because I’d already talked to the commander about it. It was time. I’d done everything I’d set out to do.
“That was easy.” He pulled back, furrowing his brow.
“I already decided to quit. I was going to tell you when we got home.”
“Back to yoga-mom Evie?” He chuckled.
“Nope. I have plans.” I laughed too but mine was maniacal. My plans were insane and yet exactly what I needed.
“Fine, keep your secrets. You’re such a scary little thing.” He grinned but said it like it was a compliment. And it was.
I laughed harder.
And there it was.
Somehow in all the chaos and craziness, I’d managed to choose the guy who made me laugh. The guy who was home in my heart. The guy who made me feel safe and clicked with my family, even if I didn't click with his mom.
When we first started this, he wasn’t the right person for me. Or rather I wasn’t the right person for us. But I was different now.
I was a new Evie altogether.
And for the first time in my life, I loved her. I loved me. I loved who I had become. I'd found myself and my mission and purpose.
And Coop was my reward.
/> Epilogue
It wasn't quite dawn but the day was trying to start.
The houses on the perfect suburban street were all just waking up.
The living room of the house I stared into was a cluttered mess of gifts, paper, and smiling faces with different colored glowing lights smattered about as part of the decorations, creating a rainbow effect. They’d been awake for an hour.
The lady smiled, watching everyone open a gift, possibly their last ones. She sipped coffee from a huge mug and relaxed, glowing with satisfaction.
She was the visual depiction of everything in the world being in perfect harmony.
Bliss.
It was all I could think seeing her this way.
I’d never witnessed her with this glow before.
The new house was exactly what I imagined she would get. A cookie-cutter estate where everything was clean and in its place.
There was no chaos.
The Christmas tree was huge and likely fresh, she was a fresh-tree sort.
The little girl in the pink onesie jumped at the man in the blue pajamas, hugging him so hard her eyes closed. She sighed, exhaling and clinging to him.
The embrace brought an emotional smile to the woman, making her glow even more.
The boy in the pajamas that matched the man’s jumped in there too, mauling the man with a huge hug. He patted each of them on the back and arms in the same style.
Joy emanated from the room, out the window, and almost warmed my heart. Almost.
The man looked at the kids as if asking them something. They nodded furiously, both of them bursting with a secret as they glanced back at the lady.
The man reached into the tree and retrieved a small box. He held it out and unwrapped it, revealing a turquoise-blue ring box under the silver paper.
The woman’s eyes widened. She was genuinely surprised, shocked. Her trembling hand lifted to her face, covering her mouth as tears flooded her vision. She put the coffee down, shaking her head in disbelief.
The man dropped to his knee with both the kids mimicking him. They were all on their knees, awaiting her response. A dog hopped about, jumping into the little girl’s arms.
It was a scene from a movie, one of those ones the lady enjoyed watching. She would cry and secretly wish her life looked like that. Not because she wanted it, but because it was easier. It was clean and simple. And deep down she was tired.
The man spoke something that made the woman cry.
The woman nodded, tears streaming her cheeks.
He lifted the lid of the box, revealing a sparkling ring that added to the rainbow of colors.
A stabbing pain cut into my chest.
I believed in some alternate world I was the man in the living room and she was with me. I had blue pajama pants and a coffee stain on my stupid superhero tee shirt.
He stood and slid the ring on her finger. He cupped her face so delicately, like she was breakable. I felt her skin on my fingers as I watched it unfold.
She stepped onto her tiptoes and pressed her damp lips on his. He scooped her up and spun her.
The kids hugged tightly.
An older man brought in a tray of champagne, something he’d already prepared. He was glossy eyed and shaking a bit too. An older woman hurried in with the camera, taking photos and smiling as wide as she was able.
I hated them all for one second.
One painful second.
But then I remembered I’d kept my promise.
It was one of two promises I’d managed to keep.
I told her once that I would see her at Christmas and now I was.
Even if she didn't see me.
She never did.
I wished she would sometimes.
But this morning, her waking in her red onesie, looking like fresh air and happiness in the human form, it was better if she didn't.
She had a ring and a promise and a family. She was happy.
He made her happy.
He didn't break her heart.
Maybe he didn't fill it up the same way I did, but he didn't break it.
He made her laugh and smile.
And for that she would never know I was still here.
That I still loved her more than I could cope with some days.
That my existence was empty because my heart would always be full.
She would live a lifetime with me in the shadows, watching over her and protecting her, but she wouldn't know.
The same way she didn't know that the moment I saw her in that shower at Saransk’s, I agreed to end things between us. I hadn’t seen it before that moment. I hadn’t realized how far she would go. How much she would let me take. How deep she would let the knife my love was sink into her soul, cutting her heart from her chest. And what she would give up, including her kids, for a love so strong it overpowered us both and swept us away.
She would have chosen me, over her kids and her life and her sanity.
She wouldn't have meant to but she couldn't have fought it.
And I would have let her.
But one person wouldn't.
The old woman who never smiled all the way saw what this desperate love was doing to us both.
She asked a promise of me.
She needed one thing.
The sight of Helena standing on the docks in Italy, telling me if I loved Evie I would let her go, would haunt me forever. She’d said that I needed to let her find herself again. I had to help her be the mom she was before I came along.
But in order for those things to happen, I had to remove myself from the equation.
If I loved her enough, I would save her. Even if that meant saving her from me. That was how she had worded it.
My heart would never repair but the scene playing out in the window was proof of her words. Proof of the destructive force I had been. We had been. We were over and Evie was magical again.
“Merry Christmas, Gustavo,” Helena spoke from the side yard where she stood with a large garbage bag of wrapping paper in her hands and a handgun in the other.
“Merry Christmas, Helena.” She didn't miss a thing.
“You shouldn't be here. We agreed.” She dumped the bag in the can next to the massive garage door.
“I needed to see her at Christmas, just once.”
“And now you have.” She folded her arms across her chest, incidentally pointing the gun at me. She was a diehard.
“How is she?”
“Engaged to Coop. Blissfully happy. She’s finally done missing you and missing out on life and suffering through whatever heartache you inflicted on her.” Her words were as sharp as the icicles above her. “She’s alive again. She’s retired and started a training gym for girls, self-defense and boxing. She trains girls for free, teaching them to fight back.”
“She always was the best of us.”
“And we almost took that from her.” Helena’s eyes glistened.
“You can’t hate me forever.”
“I will never hate you, Gustavo.” Her voice cracked and impenetrable Helena took a step closer to me, her eyes tearing up. “You gave her back. You saved her. You sacrificed yourself and all your happiness to give me back the one thing I asked for.”
“I wish it could have been different.” I confessed the pain inside me.
“I’m so sorry, my dear boy.” She tucked the gun and wrapped her arms around herself. “The world will never know what price you paid to keep it safe. What sacrifices you made.” She took another step closer, coming close to the tree I hid behind. “But I know. I will always know. I will always see what you gave up. And that will have to do. It will have to be enough.” She offered me compassion with a threat at the end, typical.
“She won’t ever see me again,” I reassured her.
“I better not either.” She smiled softly and turned, leaving me there, alone.
A bitter grin toyed with my lips as I glanced up at the house once more before I turned and started toward the car waiting for
me.
“She looks happy?” Link, Evie’s father, asked from where he sat across from me in the limo. He had waited in the car while I went to watch her, I think afraid of what Helena would do to him if she saw him.
“Incredibly,” I replied, wanting to hate that she was happy without me.
But without me she was safe.
She was better off.
“Helena looks feisty as always. She’s still taking the garbage out with a gun, I see.” He chuckled, but the bitterness of it was like the stiffness of a drink served neat. He clearly wished he could be there too, with his grandkids, wife, best friend, and daughter. But like me, he’d been asked to disappear. He’d been told his presence wasn't welcome.
So we were alone.
Two men who had sacrificed everything for the greater good.
“They’re engaged,” I said, sensing the void in me growing as I wished the label for the greater good had come with a better warning.
“Sorry, kid.” He sighed. “But she’s safe and that’s what matters. She deserved a second chance. We should have put a stop to James in the beginning.” He sat back and lifted his drink to his lips, getting lost in the view of the house as we drove past. “Hindsight is such a dick.”
I watched the house too, until I couldn't see it anymore. Then I forced my mind to close the chapter.
I loved her, and I would forever, but I needed to be happy for her.
It was the only way I would ever be happy with the life I’d chosen.
I’d loved.
I’d set her free.
I’d made sure she couldn't come back to me.
I told myself the fact she would come back to me if she could was enough.
And that was that.
Because in the end, if Evie and I had stayed together, I would have been the end of her. And that would have been the end of me. This was the path I could live with. And sometimes a person had to choose the path they could live with over the path they couldn't live without.
The End
Afterword
Thank you for reading this series and if you can spare anything, the Polaris Project is a truly noble one. Also, the Brownie Box is real. It’s in Stratford-upon-Avon in England. And Monsoon Coffee is real too. Check them out!