Dare to Fall

by Estelle Maskame

  The parking lot is buzzing with noise as the crowd disperses and people drive off. It’s not too cold, so Will and I stand by his Jeep, leaning against the hood as we wait for Holden. We always meet him in the parking lot, and he usually takes around twenty minutes to appear after the game ends, so he shouldn’t be much longer. I did look for Danielle as we left the bleachers, but there were too many people moving around at once and I just couldn’t spot her. I don’t know if she’d already left, but I’ve figured by now that she isn’t taking up my offer to come to Fort Collins with us.

  As the lot empties out, leaving only a handful of cars, Holden finally comes storming across the concrete toward us. He’s wearing a pair of jeans and a white T-shirt, and he carries with him the fresh scent of cologne now that he’s showered. It’s no shock to either Will or me that he is furious.

  “What a joke!” he mutters, jaw clenched as he walks straight past us both. He opens up the trunk of the Jeep and throws his gym bag inside. Then he slams it shut again and spins back around, livid, wildly waving his water bottle around in the air. “Do you even know how many times that Broomfield asshole should have gotten a penalty for holding? At least five, that’s for sure. Kid almost tore my jersey off!”

  “But,” Will says, stepping forward with a reassuring grin, “that forty-yard catch though. Pretty sweet if you ask me.”

  “Still not good enough,” Holden mumbles, shaking his head. Sometimes I wish he wasn’t so tough on himself. He played great tonight, but all he can focus on are the negatives. I guess it’s because of the pressure he is under to bag himself a football scholarship. A bunch of guys on the team have already had multiple offers from colleges across the country to play for them. Most of those guys accepted their offers during the summer, and I think even Holden knows now that time is ticking by and if an offer was going to arrive, it more than likely would have already. Now he won’t stop beating himself up about it, because with his parents’ financial situation, an athletic scholarship is the ticket to college he needs so badly. He leans back against Will’s Jeep and takes a long swig of his water, staring up at the dark sky.

  “There’s still some time, you know,” I say, stepping toward him and tugging at the hem of his T-shirt. He glances down, his cheeks still flaming with anger. “You’re a great player, Holden. Any college would be lucky to have you play for their team, so c’mon.” I pat his chest and offer him a playful smile to lighten the mood. “Have some faith, huh?”

  “I know what’ll cheer you up,” Will cuts in, moving around the hood of the Jeep and opening the driver door, standing on his tiptoes and peering over the roof at us. “Chicken. Now get in, guys.” He’s just about to climb inside when he pauses, hand on the top of the door, staring at something in the distance.

  Slowly, I follow the direction of his eyes, craning my neck to look over my shoulder. Behind me, Jaden and Danielle Hunter are walking straight toward us, side by side. I can already sense Will’s surprise at Dani actually showing up, and I have no idea what Holden is thinking, though I can’t verify their expressions because I can’t tear my eyes away from the Hunters.

  I turn around and they stop a few feet in front of me. Dani looks uncomfortable and way out of her depth, whereas Jaden seems slightly more relaxed, his bright eyes on me, challenging me somehow. Dani states, “We’ll come to Cane’s.”

  My eyes travel back to her. “We?” I echo.

  It’s odd seeing them together after so long. It’s not entirely obvious that they’re twins anymore because of Dani’s drastic change of hair color, though they do still share similarities, like their piercing blue eyes and sharp jawlines.

  “Yeah,” Jaden says. They may have lost the game, but he doesn’t seem pissed off about it the same way Holden is. His hair still looks damp from his shower, and he’s wearing all black yet again. Black gym shorts, black sneakers and that same black Nike hoodie from last night. He has his gym bag hooked over one shoulder, his hand on the strap, his other in his pocket. He looks over at Will and smiles. “You still got space in the back, Will?”

  Holden looks from me to Jaden and back to me again.

  I exchange glances with Will, watching as his surprise turns to confusion. I realize I haven’t explained the situation to him very well, and now he looks like he has no idea what to say to anyone. Making up his mind, he finally says, “Yeah. Hop in.”

  “Great,” Jaden says. “Thanks.” He nudges Dani forward and she moves toward the Jeep with apprehension, playing nervously with her hands. He opens the door for her, and then the two of them slide into the back seat as Will clambers into the driver’s seat.

  Before we join them, Holden quickly fires me a questioning look, confused and bewildered, most probably because this is totally sudden and very random. He doesn’t know that I spoke to Dani at the game, or that it was me who invited her to come, and I haven’t told either him or Will about my run-in with Jaden late last night. All I can do is shrug back at Holden, because honestly, I still don’t really know what I’m doing or what I’m hoping to gain from this. I decide to let Holden ride shotgun and climb into the back seat with Dani and Jaden. As soon as I close the door I realize just how close we have to sit.

  Jaden is in the center, separating Dani and me, and there’s not a whole lot of room back here. My arms are pinned to my sides, all of our elbows touching. I didn’t expect Jaden to be here too. I close my eyes, reassuring myself that I can do this, I can be around the Hunters. I feel self-conscious, though, especially with Jaden so close to me after all this time. His knee touches mine, but I don’t flinch away and I inhale the scent of his cologne. I wonder if he’s even noticed that our legs are touching, or whether he’s sitting this close on purpose. Holden slams the door hard behind him and my eyes flicker open again. He props his elbow up against the window, leaning his head on his hand, silent as he stares out of the window.

  “I haven’t been to Cane’s in months,” Jaden says, and I don’t know if he notices or not, but his warm skin is rubbing against mine. My stomach lurches. I’ve never forgotten the way his touch felt, the way his hand felt in mine, the way his lips moved. I am tensed up next to him, trying to ignore the thoughts running through my head, but it is near impossible.

  “I haven’t been since last year,” Dani adds, and although she says it casually, the atmosphere immediately thickens because I know exactly what we’re all thinking. We’re wondering if what she’s really trying to say is that she hasn’t been since her parents were killed. Just in case, none of us reply out of fear of saying the wrong thing, and the whole act-normal mentality I was trying to maintain goes out the window.

  Luckily, Jaden speaks up to break the silence as Will puts the Jeep in drive. “Better game than last week, though, huh, Holden?”

  I close my eyes and lean my head against the glass of the window, wishing that Jaden hadn’t brought up the game. It is not a conversation that ever goes down lightly in this vehicle. Holden doesn’t even so much as glance over his shoulder at Jaden, just mutters, “Not really,” and then proceeds to hook his phone up to the AUX cable.

  “You don’t think so?” Jaden asks, oblivious to Holden’s frustration over the whole situation. I could jump in and change the subject, but honestly, I don’t know what to change it to. I’d rather the car was filled with talk of the game than awkward silences. “We got a hell of a lot more points up on the board tonight than we did last weekend.”

  “What does it matter?” Holden fires back as he stares at his phone, scrolling through his music. Between his frustration at losing the game and being confused as to why the Hunters are with us, he is standoffish and cold. “We still lost, and at this rate, we’re going to lose the homecoming game next week.” He selects a song and throws his phone into the center console as his music consumes the car. Crappy electronic dance music beats in our ears. Half his music doesn’t even have words in the songs, and although Will and I are used to it by now, both Jaden and Dani aren’t. I even see Dani flinch.<
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  Will has much better manners and he is quick to turn the volume back down a little, much to Holden’s disapproval. As Will drives along Main Street I notice him eyeing us all in the rearview mirror. His gaze lingers on the Hunters, his expression curious but also cautious. “Are you guys going to the homecoming dance?”

  They didn’t go last year, but no one expected them to. Jaden and I were supposed to go together, and I was so excited for our first official homecoming dance together, but it never happened. Luckily, Will was happy to accompany me instead, the same way he had done every year until then, but I didn’t enjoy last year’s dance as much as I thought I was going to.

  “Yeah. I’m looking forward to it,” Jaden says, his face lighting up, and then he seems to almost blush as he quietly laughs under his breath. “Grandma has pressed my shirt like three times already. It’s getting ridiculous.”

  I wonder what that’s like, having your grandparents as your guardians, as parental figures. Growing up, I loved to have sleepovers at my grandparents’ house with my cousins. Grandma would make us all hot chocolate before bed with mini marshmallows bought especially for us, and Granddad would tuck us in to the huge double bed in the spare room and kiss us goodnight. Although we loved staying with them, we also loved when our parents came to pick us up in the morning. I can’t imagine what it’s like knowing that your parents aren’t ever going to come back.

  Ugh. I’m doing it again.

  I’m thinking about the death of Bradley and Kate Hunter and I’m thinking about the kids left behind, the two people sitting next to me right now talking about chicken and football and homecoming dances, and I’m wondering if I’ll ever stop asking myself how they manage to cope. It amazes me. They must be in so much pain, and yet here they are in the back seat of Will’s Jeep en route to Fort Collins to hang out after the game.

  I don’t hear what Will replies because I’m so zoned out, so I shake my head quickly to force myself back to reality. Stop thinking about it.

  “I’m not going,” Dani murmurs and I glance over at her. She’s leaning back, arms folded across her chest, and I realize that perhaps she doesn’t actually want to be here. Maybe Jaden is forcing her to come against her will, giving her a harsh nudge back into the world of social interaction.

  “Why not?” Will pushes, and I fire him a glare in the rearview mirror. My expression immediately softens when I realize that, actually, Dani might appreciate his lack of sympathetic caution.

  “Because no one has asked me to go with them,” she says with a shrug, and I’m surprised by her answer. I assumed she wasn’t going because she didn’t want to be around people, but it turns out she’s not going because people don’t seem to want to be around her.

  “Can’t you just go with your friends?” Will goes on.

  “Don’t really have any,” she admits, which is sad, because she had a whole circle of friends before. But, like the friends she was sat with at the game, most of them don’t really treat her the same anymore. She has distanced herself from a lot of people over the past year.

  “Oh,” Will says, his eyes on the road ahead. He’s not sure what to say next, so instead he shifts his attention to her brother, and I’m so grateful that he’s trying to keep a conversation going. “What about you, Jaden? Who are you going with?”

  This question piques my interest, so I sit up a little as he tells us, “Do you guys know Ellie? The junior? Eleanor Boosey? I’m taking her.”

  “She’s really nice,” I force myself to say, although it comes out too loud. Eleanor is a really sweet girl, though now I have new questions. Are they dating? Just friends? Please just be friends.

  “Yeah, she is. Harrison from the team is taking Ellie’s friend, so I’m being a good wingman,” Jaden explains, looking at me. His eyes meet mine, his mouth already in a smile, and I feel my chest relax. So they’re not dating. Good, I think. “Who are you going with this year?” he asks.

  “That would be me again,” Will cuts in, holding up one hand, the other gripping the steering wheel.

  Jaden’s smile falters and I wonder if he too is recalling that a year ago we were supposed to be going with each other. “Nice,” he says, looking away.

  It’s after 10PM by now, and it’s a twenty-minute drive to Fort Collins; fifteen if Will puts his foot down a little more. Denver is too far, over an hour’s drive, so Fort Collins is the closest city that we have and it’s certainly better than Windsor. It’s always nice to get out of town every once in a while, even if it is only to buy a tray of chicken fingers.

  At this time of night, the road is dark and almost entirely empty besides the occasional oncoming car as we pass through expansive fields. Colorado is known for its natural beauty, but sometimes the fields and the mountains and the greenery get a bit mundane when you have lived your entire life here. I sit back, close my eyes and listen to Holden’s music as the Jeep falls into silence. It’s not uncomfortable silence, thankfully, but we aren’t entirely relaxed either. Will is focusing on driving in the dark, which I know he hates, and Holden is back on his phone, though I think he’s only pretending to be texting.

  As we advance across Fort Collins, heading north toward the center, the streets become much busier. It’s a Friday night in the city, after all, and Fort Collins is home to Colorado State, so all of the college students will be around, out with friends or hitting up bars. Cane’s is just down the street from the campus, and as we pull up it’s already bustling with people, despite the fact that it closes in forty-five minutes. Will parks up in a spot and cuts the engine as we all sit up, and I’m not the only one who’s relieved to finally get out of the car. A minute longer with Jaden’s body against mine and I may have just torn the inside of my cheek open from biting so hard.

  I throw open the door and slide out, hugging my Wizards hoodie closer around me, stuffing my hands into the front pocket. The night keeps on getting cooler and cooler, and now there’s a breeze that seems to be picking up, but the fresh air feels amazing. Jaden follows out behind me, though I focus instead on scouring the parking lot. I can see Kailee’s car over at the other end, and I just know she and Jess will be totally shocked when they see me stroll in through the door with not only Dani by my side, but Jaden too. Everyone knew I was friends with Dani, and everyone knew I had a thing for Jaden, and everyone knows I haven’t spoken to them since last year, so this is going to be interesting.

  Anxiously, I play with the ends of my hair as Holden gets out of the Jeep and slams the door shut again behind him, but then he doesn’t wait around for the rest of us. Instead, he marches off on his own and heads inside. Will and I exchange a look. Holden and Jaden have never been best friends or anything, but they did used to get along. They’re on the team together, after all, but ever since last year, he’s been just as uncomfortable around Jaden as I have. A lot of people are uncomfortable around the twins.

  “Is he alright?” Jaden asks, casting me a sideways glance.

  “Yeah,” I say, then feign a laugh as Will locks the Jeep. “He just loves his comfort food whenever you guys lose a game.”

  Will falls into step next to me as the four of us make our way to the door, Jaden and Dani behind us. As we walk, he leans in closer and whispers, “You okay?” And I really don’t know whether or not I am, so I just shrug and keep on walking.

  I let Will push open the door, and the smell of grease and fried chicken is so overpowering that it’s almost sickening in a good way. The restaurant is full and buzzing with noise, people sitting around tables, laughing and chatting. I try to search for Holden, but I find Jess and Kailee first, sitting with their boyfriends, Tanner and Anthony, near a booth by the counter. They’ve spotted me too, and as the door falls closed behind us and shuts out the cold, I feel Jaden and Dani lingering directly behind me.

  Jess stares at us for a moment before whispering something to Kailee. She looks back and catches my eye, an accident I’d guess, but she gives me a cheeky, excited grin. Yep. They’re definit
ely talking about us. But honestly, it really is rather simple. I am doing this because I have no choice, because I owe it to Jaden and Dani. But I can’t tell Jess and Kailee this right now, so I just give them a small smile.

  But it’s not only them who have spotted my arrival.

  At a rowdy booth by the window, with too many college guys hovering around one another and not enough space for them all, Darren is standing with his arm propped up against the booth divider, his eyes on me.

  7

  No, I think. Please not now.

  Slowly, Darren’s lips curve into a smile, revealing the dimple in his left cheek. He straightens up as though he’s about to walk straight over to me and I quickly put my guard up, preparing myself. Darren is the last person I want to see right now. Even at the best of times, he is a douchebag whenever his friends are around, so I definitely can’t handle him right now—not here in the middle of Cane’s while I’m with Jaden Hunter.

  Will begins to move and I stick to him like glue, following so close behind him that I almost trip over his feet, desperate to scramble away from Darren. Holden has found us an empty booth at the opposite side of the restaurant, which I couldn’t be more relieved about. He’s already sitting down, leaning against the window and counting the bills in his wallet as the four of us approach.

  Will slides in next to him and, in my rush to avoid Darren, I quickly slide into the booth opposite them. Dani and then Jaden follow in behind me, the three of us perfectly aligned opposite Holden and Will, and at this point, all nerves about being around the Hunters disappear. All I care about is Darren. I lean back and steal a glance past Dani, my eyes roaming the bustling restaurant in search of him. When I realize that he hasn’t moved from his spot against the booth divider, I relax only a little. He’s not looking at me anymore; instead he’s chuckling as his group of friends explode into laughter. I exhale and turn back to face my own company.