The Right Side of Reckless

by Whitney D. Grandison

  Potentially going out of my way to date my supervisor’s daughter? Probably one of the stupidest things I’d done yet—but it was worth it, I could tell. “I understand, but I also know what’s on the line, and I’m not going to let anything set me back.”

  Harvey’s heavy hand fell on my shoulder, stinging just a bit. He’d done it on purpose, we both knew. “That’s what I like to hear. Makes me remember why I love this job.”

  His honest desire to see me and other troubled kids excel was inspiring. “Thank you, Harvey, for believing in me.”

  For just a moment, he smiled, a proud smile. And then it was gone, and straitlaced Harvey was back. “Yeah, well, don’t thank me yet, we’ve still got two whole years together.”

  I snorted, and we entered the facility side by side. Two years together or not, my reckless days were long behind me. That I knew for certain.

  Regan

  The park was deserted. It probably had everything to do with the late October chill that had set in. Regardless, it served as a perfect meeting place to finally set things straight with Troy this Wednesday afternoon.

  I was sitting on a swing, waiting for him and dwelling on the drama of the past few days. While I’d been sorting out my life Monday morning with Mrs. Greer, Troy had been attempting to bully Guillermo. What horrified me most was news that Avery had stepped in. Avery. My younger brother wasn’t the type, and yet he’d done that for me. It tugged at my heart, even though we hadn’t spoken about it. At home, Avery kept in his room and out of the way.

  The crunch of wood chips told me Troy had arrived.

  I turned to find him wearing a gray hoodie, his hands buried deep in his pockets.

  “Regan,” he said dryly.

  I offered a small smile. “Hey, Troy.”

  He looked around before turning back to me. “You wanted to talk?”

  I gestured to the swing beside me. “Sit, please.”

  He tentatively approached and took the swing farthest from me.

  We hadn’t spoken since Sunday, and after the mess Monday morning, I’d sent him a very clear cease and desist text message, one that obviously had him feeling a way.

  “Monday was interesting,” I spoke up.

  Troy ran a hand over his head. “What’s up, Rey? You here to throw the fact that you’re with Con in my face or something?”

  He still didn’t get it, and I was quickly losing my patience.

  “Are you insane? I heard you tried to fight Guillermo and Avery!” I snapped.

  “Avery was steppin’ up for you. You know I don’t want no smoke with him. That’s family.”

  I was so disgusted with Troy and the new low he’d sunk to. “Guillermo has too much to lose to be fighting you over the fact that you can’t handle what you did.”

  “You really care for this jailbird, huh?” Troy rubbed his chin, staring across the street. “Damn shame.”

  What was it with these people?

  “You don’t see anything wrong with what you did to me?” I stood up, prepared to walk away. To hell with him—he didn’t even deserve my time and effort to give us both closure. “There was one moment where I almost kissed Guillermo, but I stopped myself and thought of you. And to find out you’d already cheated on me? That hurt. I respected you, and you couldn’t extend me the same. You never could!”

  Troy recoiled, his gaze falling to the ground. “I’m an ass for cheating, and I’m really sorry.”

  “This goes beyond that, Troy. Consent. Permission. Do you know what those terms mean?” I challenged.

  Troy looked up at me. “Yeah?”

  “Do you? All you ever did was grope me and make me feel like a child because I wasn’t spreading my legs for you. I’m a person, not a piece of meat. My body belongs to me. My choices belong to me. My consent matters, and I choose to be with someone who respects that. I deserve to be treated nicely and appreciated. Not cheated on because I’m not ready to give up a part of myself that’s dear to me,” I said.

  For once, Troy sat and listened to what I was saying. “I...I didn’t mean to pressure you, Regan.”

  “But you did, Troy. You did, and it hurt. I can’t even completely blame you for all of it because some of this is my fault.” If only for prolonging the situation instead of walking away. In my gut, deep down, the truth had always been there.

  Troy shook his head. “Don’t say that. I fucked up. Not you.”

  It was time to be honest.

  “I shouldn’t have been so close to Guillermo, especially when I knew I felt something for him. I should’ve come to you about that night we almost kissed. I felt horrible about it, but I should’ve told you. I am sorry about that.”

  “So you didn’t do anything with him while we were together?”

  I shook my head. “No. You shouldn’t have tried to fight Guillermo. This is our relationship, or it was. To be honest, I take blame because I knew for a while that this wasn’t working. Before you I wasn’t allowed to date, and then you pursued me and my dad instantly let me go out with you because you’re ‘Troy Jordan.’

  “I admit I thought you were cute and sweet, but it was like I was finally free to try something everyone else was doing. I liked you and eventually I loved you, but our being together had everything to do with my father. I was doing things to make him happy. Accounting. You.” I shook my head as I thought of that old No Doubt song that played at the center, “Just a Girl.” My life wasn’t about me until I decided to not only stand up, but to speak up as well. “I can’t do that anymore. I need to do things for me.”

  “And that’s with Con—Guillermo?” Troy asked.

  “With him or anyone else I see fit. My point is I should study things because I want to, date people and see how things can go on my terms. Isn’t that what growing up is all about?”

  Troy sighed, brushing his hair and kicking at the wood chips. “Sure, Rey.”

  I frowned. “Troy, I don’t wanna be enemies. You’re an important part of my life.”

  He looked at me, a brow raised and a smirk on his face. “You just said you only were with me because your dad liked me.”

  “I did fall for you.”

  “Until I ruined it,” he concluded. He hung his head, shame resting on his shoulders. “It don’t feel good, you leaving and going to someone else, but it feels worse hearing that I made you uncomfortable. You make me sound like a predator, shit, that’s probably how I’ve been actin’ these past few months. There’s no excuse for that, but I really am sorry. It was never just about your body, I loved you, Regan, too. I was actin’ like a dog in heat, and I’m sorry for trying to pressure you.”

  Because I could tell that he meant it, I softened up and sat down next to him. “Thank you.”

  “I’m going to learn from this,” Troy went on as he stared up at the sky. Sadness tugged his mouth into a frown. “I should’ve treated you better, I really should’ve.”

  I reached out and held his hand. “I don’t hate you, and I do forgive you because I can see that you’re sorry. I want good things for you, Troy, and I hope you want good things for me.”

  For a long time, he simply looked at me, and I could see all the hurt and shame in his eyes. “I do. Do what makes you happy. I can tell your pops really had an influence on us being together. You never was feeling me in the beginning, it was one of the reasons I liked you. You were different. I messed up, Rey. I really did.”

  It was too late now, but we’d both move on and learn from this. In this failure and pain, I’d found my voice.

  A gust of wind blew by and sent both Troy and me to our feet.

  “Damn, I’m not ready for another winter.” He tugged his hoodie on closer. He surveyed the deserted park. “You need a ride home?”

  Briar Park wasn’t that far from the subdivision where I lived. A walk would do me some good even if it was a lit
tle chilly.

  “No, I’m okay. I need to clear my head.”

  Troy scanned at me, starting at my head and ending at my feet. “I guess this is goodbye, Regan.”

  The idea of saying the words took my breath away. I fought the urge to frown. “No, more like, see you later.”

  * * *

  The walk home wasn’t long enough. Talking Troy down had been the easy part. Facing my father was a whole other story.

  We still hadn’t discussed accounting. With the mess of Monday and his busy work schedule Tuesday, I hadn’t gotten a chance to tell him I was dropping the class. My mother had signed the form for Mrs. Greer, and through pulling a few strings, I was going to begin Animal Care & Management at the start of the next grading period. I would more than likely finish this grading period with a C– in accounting due to dropping out, but it was better than an F.

  My father wouldn’t see it that way, and that was something I’d have to get used to.

  He was in the family room watching a movie on TV. Simba was by his side, chewing on a squeaky newspaper toy. Noticing me, my father muted the TV and gave me his full attention. The expression on his face, incredulous and shocked, alerted me.

  “You got something to tell me?” he asked.

  “Yes?” I wasn’t sure which news I should break to him first, given his tone.

  “First you break up with Troy,” he pointed out. “And now what’s this I hear about you dropping out of accounting?”

  “Things just weren’t working anymore, Dad. Troy wasn’t working out for me,” I said. “Neither was accounting.”

  He rose to his feet. “Not working out? Rey, what about the plan?”

  The plan had been for me to marry Troy and become a successful accountant while Troy played pro football. Cliché. Almost like a fairy tale. Life wasn’t a fairy tale, and if it was, I wanted to choose my own prince and my own journey.

  Across the street I envisioned Guillermo lying back in bed listening to hip-hop and dissecting the lyrics. It made me wonder if my father could ever see an embattled boy on the path to redemption as a part of “the plan.”

  I focused on my father, becoming strong enough to have it out. “Some plans change.”

  My father blinked a few times, shaking his head. “That’s all you can say, ‘some plans change’? You’re screwing up your future over what? Because a class got hard? Because you and Troy got into a fight or something?”

  It wasn’t my father’s business why I broke up with Troy. I shouldn’t have to explain it beyond stating that it was over. One thing I was learning and loving was that “no” was a whole statement of its own.

  “I’m not screwing up my future anymore. Following your path was doing that, not this one I’m choosing.”

  My father narrowed his eyes. “This is about that boy, isn’t it? Troy said he suspected something was going on. Well, I forbid it, you’re not seeing him.”

  He couldn’t be serious. He couldn’t think he could just step in and control who I wanted to see like that.

  “No!” I snapped. “I like Guillermo. I let you have so much, and the one thing I want for me, I can’t have? That’s not fair!”

  He stood back. “Excuse me? What do you mean you let me have so much?”

  “I let you have accounting and I let you push me to be with Troy even when I wanted out. You’re standing here mad that I’m not doing what you want, but you haven’t even asked me what I want. What about me, Dad? When do I get to do something for me? And not even just me, what about Avery? When are you going to let us choose our own way?”

  For a moment he appeared to sympathize with me, but then he shook his head. “You can do things to make you happy, Regan. You don’t want to try accounting, something I thought we both agreed was a good career path for you, fine. You don’t want to be with Troy, I can accept that, even if I really like him, but no, you will not be with a boy like Guillermo. Troy’s a good boy, hell, we finally got Avery into football. He’s up there right now watching a few reels. Guillermo, the boy is on probation for God’s sake. That should tell you something. You deserve better.”

  He had it all wrong.

  “I want to be with Guillermo, whether you approve or not. He treats me with respect and cares about my goals, about me,” I said with finality. “Come the new grading period at school, I’ll start Animal Care & Management because I really love and care about animals. I think this is what I’ll enjoy doing.” Squaring my shoulders and putting on a brave front, I prepared to walk out of the room, but not without one last word. “Oh, but thanks for asking. And that good boy you love so much? He cheated on me. Guess I wasn’t good enough for him or you.”

  I didn’t wait for his response before heading upstairs. Simba abandoned his toy to follow me.

  Our talk hadn’t gone over well, but I couldn’t beat myself up over it. My mother was supportive, and if my father really saw any lick of potential in me, in time, he’d come around, too.

  The door to Avery’s room was open and suddenly my father’s words rammed right into me.

  Avery? Football?

  I crept over to his room and indeed, he was inside with a YouTube video running on his large TV.

  Across his desk was an array of discarded manga and a few dusty action figures. This was who Avery was, not some jock.

  “Hey,” I spoke up.

  Avery pulled his attention away from his TV. He paused the game and came over to the doorway, blocking my view of the TV, appearing guarded. “What’s up?”

  I took in my younger brother, slightly taller than me, same medium brown complexion, same dimples, but his handsome face was a mixture of tired and empty. His stoic eyes bored into mine, sending a chill through me.

  “Dad said you were studying football?” I gestured to the TV and released a dry chuckle.

  He lifted and dropped his shoulder. “Maybe, so what?”

  For most of his life he’d been the quiet boy with his nose in a graphic novel or comic book, or obsessing over the latest superhero movie. Now he wanted to trade that all in for sports reels and Friday night lights?

  All because what? Our father would be more proud? Making our father proud should’ve come from our own interests and accomplishments. Not his pushy way.

  “Avery, you don’t have to do this,” I let him know.

  He studied me, like he was reading my soul. He seemed to go from a boy to a man right before me. “I know, but for the time being, he’ll be too busy with me to hover over you and Mo. Consider it a gift.”

  My heart clenched as tears sprouted in my eyes.

  I opened my mouth to say more, only Avery was quick to take a step back. In one fluid motion he shut the door in my face.

  Where I thought he was extending an invitation for us to bond and grow closer, he was shoving me out in a harshly clear goodbye.

  In that moment, it felt like there was more than just a door between us.

  I guess I couldn’t fix everything in my life all at once. Go figure.

  Guillermo

  When I had the fortune of being off from my volunteering duties at the center on a Friday night, I made it a habit to chill with my friends.

  They didn’t say it, but I could tell my parents were especially happy whenever I opted to hang out under our roof as opposed to going out and finding an adventure. They would probably still be wary over my steps, but for the most part, they trusted me again. And I wasn’t going to break that trust for anything.

  “We are not letting Raviv pick another movie,” Jenaya was complaining.

  She, Raviv, and I were in my family’s rec room. It had been two weeks since he and Cami split, and Rav was still nursing some wounds. In the morning, before I was due at the community center, he and I were going to link up and play a quick game of soccer at the park. For tonight, it was movies, pizza, and chill.

&nbs
p; Raviv tossed a pillow at Jenaya. “Who invited you anyway?”

  “Hey, be nice,” I stepped in. These nights were for all of us. Jenaya was better off hanging with people who cared about her rather than the toxic environment that was her home life. Raviv was better off sober. And as for me, I welcomed the distraction and comfort.

  But Raviv really had been picking a stream of bad movies for us to watch.

  “Let Naya pick,” I said. “You’re on time-out.”

  Raviv rolled his eyes and sat back against the recliner to stare at the TV and wait.

  Happy with this victory, Jenaya started searching through Netflix.

  Footsteps sounded on the basement staircase and I angled my head back to see my father poking his head downstairs. “Pizza’s here.”

  Raviv shot up. “Awesome! I’m starvin’.”

  I could tell he’d smoked before he came over, but I didn’t say anything.

  Jenaya continued to browse the menu while I went upstairs with Raviv.

  A hand came down on my shoulder, my father stopping me in my tracks before I could go to the front door.

  “You’re a good kid,” he told me. “Estoy orgulloso de ti.”

  My chest tightened, and I had to clear my throat to gather myself. I blinked, trying to see straight. “Gracias.”

  I was still getting used to hearing my father telling me he was proud of me. I was used to the lectures, the disappointment, the shame, but this...this was something bigger.

  He patted my shoulder, tilting his head toward the kitchen. “Let Rav take care of the food. You get the paper plates together. No dishes on weekends.”

  It was a tradition my mother started, as she preferred for her and my father to take Fridays and Saturdays off from cooking.

  I went for the kitchen pantry. At least, that was my intent before I spotted the one person I’d been missin’ for weeks, it felt like.

  Regan was standing there, dressed casually in a T-shirt and jeans.

  She was here, finally, after so much time.