by Kayla Morgan
Mr. Lockwood’s eyebrows raised so high that Emily thought they might detach from his head altogether. “A manga illustrator? You must be joking, my dear! Americans don’t come here to study art. They come to study business! Now that’s where the real money is! Besides, you’re not going to find any stability in an art career. Do you want to spend the rest of your life wondering when your next paycheck is coming in?”
Emily’s defenses immediately went up. She’d had this argument so many times back home. Back when she had tried to explain her career choice to her parents. Back when she used to believe that if she could make her parents see the passion that she had for art, then they would eventually understand. Of course that day had never come, and so Emily eventually gave up and pretended she was studying Japanese at their local community college to better the company.
“I appreciate your advice, Mr. Lockwood. And trust me, I know what I’m getting myself into. I am aware that this isn’t an easy career choice but being an illustrator has always been my dream. And I want to give myself my best shot by studying at your school.”
He heaved his huge shoulders in a shrug. “Well whatever tickles your fancy, my dear. But it seems like a pretty risky wagon to hitch your horse to as an American.”
The punch to the gut left her breathless. There it was— her biggest fear spoken out loud by the first person, outside of her grandmother, who she had revealed her dream to. She pushed the sinking feeling to the side as best she could and plastered a fake smile across her face. “I appreciate that. But I’m going to stick with the manga art program,” she replied. “Can I please have my schedule now?”
Despite her best efforts to avoid her downward spiral, Emily found herself panicking on her cab ride back to the inn. What if he was right? She knew that when she decided to go down this path that there weren’t many American mangaka. She wasn’t even going to one of the special manga colleges that they offered here in Japan. It would have been awfully hard to convince her parents that she was coming to Tokyo to study business and Japanese if the name of her new school had the words “manga” or “anime” in it.
As much as she tried to push it aside and tell herself that her situation was different—she was definitely talented enough to be here—she knew that might just be fooling herself. Maybe being the wrong nationality really was enough to keep her from her dream.
She shook her head to clear the negative thoughts. “No. I can do this,” she whispered to herself, hoping the taxi driver didn’t understand English. “I won’t let the fact that I’m an American get in the way.”
Even though she continued to whisper the mantra to herself over and over again the whole ride back, Emily felt less and less like she really believed it.
chapter two
Normally when Emily was stressed, she immediately poured herself into her art. It was a world where she could completely lose herself and forget about the real world. Even coming back to reality later on wasn’t so bad, because she knew she could always escape to her world again when she needed to. But now, her usual paradise was the source of her stress. It was her ability to draw, whether or not she could make this dream become a reality, that was freaking her out.
She groaned loudly and threw another crumpled-up paper forward to join the other half-started pieces that littered her floor. She had been trying to draw something – anything – worth a damn for the past week, but she was stuck. It was as if someone had come with a knife and slashed the cord that ran from her brain to her pencil. The ideas were all there; she just couldn’t get them to look right on the paper.
Of course, she knew deep down that it wasn’t some knife-wielding deviant who had broken her confidence. It was the comment of an idiotic stranger. It shouldn’t have bothered her at all! Mr. Lockwood was just some minor acquaintance in her life, someone who should barely hold any stock in her future. But it was because Mr. Lockwood tapped into the one fear that almost kept her from coming to Japan in the first place that she felt so frazzled.
Emily stooped down into her suitcase and picked up the photo of her grandmother that she had brought along with her as a source of comfort. Grandma Margaret would be furious with her if she knew she was acting like this. She could almost hear Grandma’s voice reprimanding her: “You, Emily Marie, are a Johnson and Johnsons are not quitters!”
The thought of her grandma pacing the room and giving her an angry, but heartfelt, speech was enough to make a miniscule smile twitch on her lips, and her tense muscles relaxed a bit.
“Johnsons are not quitters,” she muttered to herself. “I didn’t fly all this way just to give up after the first week.”
Once again, the tempting smells of Mrs. Kenzou’s cooking floated into her room. Her stomach growled, and she pushed herself off the bed. If she was truly going to wipe the dust off and start over again, a hearty meal was the best way to kick-start things.
As Emily walked into the dining area, she saw that the table was already full with a delicious spread of food. With her new-found courage kicking in, she eagerly made her way over to sit in front of her favorite dish, tonkatsu, and waited for Mrs. Kenzou and the other visitors to join the table.
“Itadakimasu.”
There was a flurry of sound as everyone began eating. However, despite her nagging hunger, Emily was distracted.
“Kenzou-san,” she began politely, “where is Akio-kun?”
“Oh! He is out with his friend from school. He should be back this evening.” She broke out into a mischievous grin, the kind that made Emily’s stomach squirm with embarrassment, and she continued, “Why are you—?”
“OBAA-CHAN!”
Emily jumped violently as a girl came bounding into the room. She seemed to be only a few years younger than Emily, and she was now bouncing up and down in front of Mrs. Kenzou.
“Hanami-chan! How was your trip to Osaka?” Mrs. Kenzou asked with a toothy grin.
The tall girl began to animatedly tell the story of her travels but stopped mid-sentence when she caught Emily’s eye.
“Oh my gosh…are you an American?” the girl practically squealed with delight.
“Uh—,” Emily began, but before she could even answer the girl was already glued to her side.
“I have been studying American culture, like, all my life! It’s just so fascinating to me! My dream is to someday move to New York City!” She cleared her throat and switched to English. “I have even been working on my English! What do you think?”
Emily smiled at her, thinking about how ironic it was that this Japanese girl was obsessed with America while she was obsessed with Japan. It was amazing how the world felt so vast sometimes and yet, as humans, we were able to have the same dreams.
“That was really good,” Emily complimented her, switching back to Japanese. “My name is Em—I mean—Clarissa-chan.”
“I’m Kenzou Hanami. You’ve probably already met my onee-chan, Akio-kun?”
Emily nodded. So Akio had a little sister? She had been assuming he was an only child like her.
Hanami turned to her grandmother. “I’m so sorry, Obaa-chan, I’ll have to tell you about my trip later. Right now, I absolutely have to take Clarissa-chan out and ask her all about America. You understand, right?” Hanami pouted and cuddled up innocently up to Mrs. Kenzou.
“Of course I don’t mind!” Mrs. Kenzou replied with a smile. “You girls enjoy yourself!”
Hanami beamed brightly and grabbed Emily’s hand. Emily looked forlornly back at her dinner as she was whisked out of the room.
Please let wherever we are going have some food.
Her still half-empty stomach growled in agreement.
As soon as they hit the door, Hanami started talking a hundred-miles-a-minute. She asked Emily all about her “American life”, but she was mostly concerned with whether or not Emily had ever met any celebrities.
“Uh, well. I lived in the suburbs of Illinois, so no. I have never met any celebrities.” Emily smiled sheepishly. “You honest
ly probably know more about them than I do. Celebrities and fashion were never really my ‘thing’ back home.”
Hanami paused and squinted her eyes at Emily, as if she were some kind of crazy person. After a quick beat though, Hanami was right back to talking and continued dragging Emily down the crowded sidewalks. Emily continued to answer Hanami’s questions as best she could but was honestly starting to feel run-down already. She wasn’t used to having extended conversations with people. Small talk really wasn’t her forte. Her only friends back home had been online, and she could cut those conversations off whenever she wanted.
Finally, just as Emily was about to give up and explain to Hanami that she had never been more than an American otaku back home, they came to a halting stop.
“Here we are! Every American’s and, of course, my favorite coffee spot – Starbucks!”
She nodded politely, not wanting to ruin Hanami’s idea that all Americans loved Starbucks. Truth be told, she was more of a little-hole-in-the-wall coffee shop lover, but she figured this wasn’t the time to bring that up.
When it was finally Emily’s turn to order, she decided she would be adventurous and try a matcha Frappuccino. She went to pull the correct amount of yen out of her purse, before realizing that she didn’t, in fact, have her purse at all. She squeezed her eyes tightly and embarrassment began to spread across her face.
“I’m so sorry,” she began to tell the barista, “but I don’t have my money on me. Please forgive me for—”
“Oh! I’ve got it!” Hanami pulled out her money and paid the barista.
“You don’t have to do that, Hanami-chan.”
“Of course I do! After all, I was the one who dragged you out here without even letting you grab your purse. It’s the least I can do,” she replied with a smile. Her smile was warm, and it calmed some of Emily’s nerves. It was the same warm smile that Akio had been giving her all week, when she wasn’t hiding in her room pouting. The thought of Akio made the blush began to spread across her cheeks all over again, so she quickly shoved that thought down and thanked Hanami.
They squeezed through the crowd and were lucky enough to find a small table in the back of the shop. Once they sat down, Emily figured it was “Clarissa-chan’s” turn to ask some questions.
“So why do you want to go to New York City, Hanami-chan? What makes you so interested in American culture?”
“Well, to be honest, I want to become a fashion designer. I’m a huge Vera Wang fan, and I would love the opportunity to work for her someday! I’m especially interested in her wedding dress collection. Obaa-chan always said I was a princess at heart!” Hanami giggled behind her hand then sipped her macchiato. “So what brought you here, Clarissa-chan?”
Emily sighed. She was already tired of lying to people about this. She fiddled with her straw and replied without looking up. “I’m studying business and Japanese language at Tokyo International University. My parents own their own jewelry business in Chicago, and I am supposed to be taking over the family business once I graduate.”
Hanami’s eyes lit up at the mention of jewelry. Emily could tell she was about to start another round of “20 Questions” when Emily interrupted her.
“I’m also here to visit a friend.”
The fears she had been dealing with all day seemed to be bubbling to the top. Maybe if she could just talk it out with someone. Double check that she wasn’t being crazy. And something about Hanami’s bubbly personality made her feel like she could be, sort of, honest with her, and she seriously needed someone to talk to about this. Someone who wasn’t invested in her life, like Grandma. She needed the honest opinion of an outsider, while still keeping her real dream a secret.
“Oh, that’s nice. Who’s your friend?”
“Her name is, um,…Olivia,” Emily fumbled, “and she’s actually here hoping to become an artist.”
“Good for her! What kind of art does she do?”
Emily panicked again. “Well…uh, she’s actually a painter right now. But she’s thinking about changing her major.”
Hanami sipped her drink again and asked, “To what?”
“Manga. She’s hoping to become a mangaka.”
Hanami stopped drinking and slowly lowered her drink to the table. She gave Emily that piercing squinty-eyed look again. Emily squirmed in her seat, trying to how uncomfortable all of this was making her feel.
Hanami finally spoke up. “She wants to become a mangaka? I’m assuming she’s a friend from America, right?”
“Yes, she is.”
Hanami’s eyes were filled with conflict, as if she was trying to decide what to say, in the most polite way possible. Emily cleared her throat and decided to break the silence, even though she was pretty sure she knew that the answer was. And she was dreading it.
“So Hanami, what do you think about an American mangaka?”
Hanami’s eyes looked down at her macchiato and she swirled the drink around in her cup. After longer than Emily had hoped, Hanami finally looked up and smiled. “Well, I think that’s a really big dream and she’s very brave for trying.”
Emily’s stomach sunk, but she pressed on anyway.
“I’m serious, Hanami-chan. You won’t hurt my feelings by telling me the truth. What do you think about my friend’s plan?”
She shuffled in her seat and sipped her drink again. “I don’t know, Clarissa-chan. It seems kind of far-fetched. An American who illustrates Japanese manga?” She giggled behind her hand again, “That would be like a Japanese cowboy!”
“You know we’re not all cowboys. In fact, like, very few of us actually are.”
She waved her hand at Emily. “You know what I mean. It just seems like a really tough dream to achieve. I wouldn’t want to be in her shoes!”
Emily folded her arms. “How is your dream any different? You want to go to America to design clothes.”
“Yes,” Hanami agreed, “but there are already lots of other ethnicities working in the design industry. Vera Wang may have been born in America, but she is of Chinese descent. There just aren’t a lot of Americans in the manga industry, to be honest.”
Emily’s body slouched in defeat. “No, you’re right.”
Why did she feel so defeated? She had wanted an honest opinion from an “outsider” and now she had one. Emily wasn’t sure why she thought Hanami’s answer would be any different from what Mr. Lockwood had said.
“So Clarissa-chan. What are you going to tell Olivia?” Hanami asked with delicate concern.
Emily looked up from the table, still caught up in her own thoughts. “Sorry, what?”
“What are you going to tell your friend?”
Emily let out a long sigh. “Honestly? I don’t know.”
“Well, if it was me, I wouldn’t want someone to tell me not to try and live my dream. Your friend’s dream may be a long shot, but if there really is some way for her to achieve it then it can’t hurt to try, right?”
Her heart lifted a little. “Thanks, Hanami-chan. I’ll make sure to tell her that.”
They continued to sit and finish their drinks while Hanami resumed grilling her about American culture, although not quite as forcibly as before. Emily was relieved when they were finally done and went back out into the cool Tokyo night. She needed to get back to the inn so she could crawl into her bed and try to figure out what she was going to do about this problem. She was moving into her dormitory tomorrow, and she really needed to get her head back together. She just wanted to be left alone with her thoughts and her drawings, even if the drawings weren’t coming out like she hoped.
Luckily, her time with Hanami was cut short when a group of Hanami’s old classmates ran into them on the sidewalk and asked her to join them in some karaoke.
“Do you want to come, Clarissa-chan?” she asked excitedly. “It’ll be a lot of fun!”
Emily grimaced but tried to quickly cover it up. “Oh! No thanks, Hanami-chan. I think I’m just going to head back. I’m moving into my do
rm room tomorrow, and I need to pack. Thank you for the invite though.”
“Aw! That’s too bad! I only just got to meet you, and you’re already leaving,” she pouted in reply.
Emily smiled. “Sorry Hanami-chan. It really was nice meeting you though! Have fun with your friends.”
“And you have fun at university! Maybe I’ll run into you there when I’m visiting onee-chan.”
“That sounds great, Hanami! I look forward to it.”
Hanami gave her a quick hug and then headed into the karaoke bar with her friends.
Emily looked around at her surroundings and quickly realized that she had never bothered to ask Hanami how to get back to the Yume Inn.
“Great,” she mumbled angrily under her breath, “this is going to be super fun. Lost in Tokyo: Round 2.”
And she shuffled off towards what she hoped was the right direction.
All of Tokyo’s streets looked the same, especially at night. She was pretty sure that this was the opposite way of where Hanami had dragged her earlier. Emily occasionally checked back over her shoulder to see if she could still see Starbucks twinkling behind her. So far so good, but she knew that eventually she would lose sight of it and her only form of a compass would be gone.
Emily shoved her hands into her pockets and continued to tromp along the sidewalk. She scowled at the pavement as her completely frustrating, and obsessively paranoid, internal monologue came back in full swing again.
Would she be able to do this? Did she have the talent to do this? Could being an American be enough to keep her from her dream career? What if coming here was a huge mistake?
This is what always happened when she worried. Her mind hopped on the never-ending hamster wheel, spinning each worry over and over until she wanted to scream. She had just talked herself into being positive this morning, and she had already given up on that mindset. It had barely been more than a few hours.