by Kayla Morgan
“What is going on?” he demanded. “I just thought you liked the statue was all. It’s just a picture!”
“It’s not ‘just a picture’! It never is with you!” He looked at her more confused than ever. “You used a picture of me from our last trip for our class project!” He took a step back and regret filled his eyes. “You threw me up on that board without even asking me! Do you have any idea how embarrassing that was for me?” He opened his mouth to answer, but she wouldn’t let him. “No, you don’t. And do you know why you don’t?” Her voice tightened in pitch and broke in pieces. “Because then you spent the next eight weeks ignoring me! I know I messed up when I yelled at you about the Kyoto trip. But I tried to apologize during class for being an idiot, and you completely ignored me! I thought we were supposed to be friends, Akio! Best friends. But you disappeared all summer! So I assumed you still hated me. But then, you come back and pretend like everything is okay? Are you serious? What the hell am I supposed to do with that?”
Akio’s gaze fell. He dropped her arm and folded his arms against himself. “Gomen’nasai, Emily-chan.”
She hugged her jacket tightly around her.
“I owe you an explanation,” he stated.
“Yeah, that would be nice.”
He nodded towards one of the nearby benches. “Come on. It’s too loud here.”
They sat down on the bench with plenty of distance between themselves. Emily pulled her hands back into her coat pockets. Akio did the same. But he made no movements to speak. He seemed to be processing what to say. Even though she was angry, she didn’t push him. Instead, she watched the sun glowing through the autumn leaves above their heads. Her fingers itched to put them down on her sketchbook paper.
Finally, Akio took a breath.
“It was during summer break while Hanami and I were up visiting Obaa-chan from our hometown in Kyoto like we did every summer. We would come and help her with the inn and get to explore the sights of Tokyo at the same time. It used to be my favorite time of year. But that summer, one of my parents must have accidentally left the gas on one of the ovens in our family bakery. It was the bottom part of our house. The top half was where we lived. The next morning, when my father went downstairs to light the ovens, there was a huge gas explosion, and everything caught on fire. My father died instantly, and my mother, who was still sleeping upstairs, died on the way to the hospital from severe burns. I was nine years old. Hanami was six.”
She breathed in. “Kyoto. Oh god. No wonder you didn’t want to go with us this summer. That would have brought back terrible memories for you. Revisiting the city at the time of your parents’ death.” Now his extreme aversion made some sense.
“But I wouldn’t have been revisiting. That’s the thing; I never went back. I was supposed to go back to Kyoto for the funeral. I remember being dressed from head to toe in black. Obaa-chan carrying Hanami in her little black dress. But I couldn’t go back. I threw myself on the ground and clung to the door frame, screaming, when she tried to take me to the car.”
“Why not?” Emily asked with quiet sympathy.
“I couldn’t see what had become of my parents. Of our house. I was terrified. If I stayed at Obaa-chan’s, if I never went back, I could convince myself that my stay for the summer had just been extended. If I never went back, if I never faced the truth, then maybe…maybe it didn’t really happen. So instead Obaa-chan dropped me off at her neighbor’s, the Hamadas.”
“Our Hamada?” she asked softly.
Akio lifted a small smile. “Yeah, our Hamada. We were friends every summer that I visited. We became even closer after the accident.”
Her heart tugged. Hamada had told her that Akio had a good reason for his absence all summer, for not wanting to go on the trip. Why hadn’t she believed him? Instead she had spent the whole summer feeling sorry for herself, when Akio had been hurting all along.
Akio continued. “In fact, he was the one who got me interested in photography. Those two weeks I stayed at his house, he was always taking pictures of all the animals he could find around town. So when I asked him about it, he told me how much he enjoyed being able to capture everyday life. That even after the moment was gone, he still had the memory in his hands to remind him of it. And, for a kid who had just lost everything, including any photos of the life he had had with his parents, I don’t know. That just sounded really enticing. Hamada lent me his old camera, and I haven’t stopped taking pictures since.”
“Well at least that explains all the pictures.”
Akio nodded and peeked up at her. His gaze was so heartbroken. “I’m sorry I hurt you, Emily. I hope you know that wasn’t my intent. The reason I had originally picked that picture was because I was fascinated with the way your hair reflected the red of the sunset. I thought it showed great strength and ferocity and passion. But after our fight about the Kyoto trip came up, right as the anniversary of my parents’ death was around the corner, all of a sudden I couldn’t even look at the picture anymore. All it reminded me of was the fire that took them from me. It was too much, so I spent the whole class staying as distracted as possible. That’s why—”
“That’s why you were on your phone,” Emily finished.
He smiled. “I felt pretty guilty ignoring everyone else like that, but I kind of needed an out.”
Emily nodded. “Did you know that I tried to apologize to you that day?”
“No, but I heard later on from Hamada,” Akio replied. “But by that point I was already so disgusted with myself with how I treated all of you that I couldn’t figure out how to face you again.” He ran his hand through his messy hair. “I spent all summer trying to text you. But I could never figure out what I wanted to say. I just hoped beyond all hope that those eight weeks of summer were enough time to erase all of it. But that’s not how I should have handled it. I was being a coward again.”
Emily snorted. “You? I was the one who told you off. And then, instead of trying to fix the problem head-on, I tried to apologize to you in front of a room full of people. If anyone is a coward here, it’s me, Akio-kun.” She worked up the nerve to look him straight in the eyes. “And I’m really truly sorry for that, Akio-kun.”
His lazy Akio smile filled his face once more. “Arigatou.”
“Friends?” she asked with quiet hope. “For real this time?”
“Yeah. Friends.”
The autumn breeze picked up one of the yellowing leaves and twirled it through the air.
“So,” Akio finally said, breaking the silence, “what piece did you end up using?”
“Oh, I drew the two cosplay women from Akihabara that we met,” Emily answered, still refusing to bring up her other picture if she didn’t have to.
“That’s great! I bet it was really good.”
Emily shrugged. “Eh. It was alright. Honestly, that picture you took of me was way better. I actually really did like it. Even if it was a tad embarrassing to see myself up there. I looked pretty awesome.”
His lopsided grin was back. “You always look pretty awesome, Emily-chan.”
She shoved him. “You’re a dork, do you know that?”
It was nice to hear his laughter again. Without realizing it, that wall she had built melted away. It was as if the past two months had never happened.
They both stood up and headed back towards the museum, but before they had completely left the park, Emily’s hand shot out and grabbed Akio’s shirt. He looked back, surprised, and Emily felt herself begin to freeze.
It was going to sound so embarrassing and cheesy, but she had to let him know.
“You know, Akio-kun. The next time you’re going through a crisis like that, I’m here to listen. Even if it’s embarrassing to talk about, you need to let the other people in your life know what you’re going through, especially your friends. It’s not healthy to try and fight your problems on your own all the time. So, um, what I’m trying to say is I’m here for you.” The heat on her cheeks was so hot, it almost
hurt.
Akio laughed. “Are you going soft on me, Johnson-san?”
She snatched her hand back. “Hey! I’m an artist! I’m allowed to be feeling-y too!”
“Hai, hai,” he replied with a wave of his hand.
And they walked back to the museum, as if the moment had never happened, but she could have sworn she heard him whisper a thank you underneath the noise from the busy street.
chapter thirteen
Emily tried her best not to physically cringe as she handed in her storyboard on Monday. She had spent all day Sunday with Akio and, despite their trip to the museum, wasn’t any closer to finding inspiration for her storyboard. She saw two kids fighting over a kite on their walk back to the train station, and that’s what she decided to storyboard. It was lame and awful, but it was all she had for now. She would just try harder next time, when things weren’t so crazy.
To the untrained eye, Akio seemed like his regular self again with his easy smile, but Emily had been his friend long enough now to know that he wasn’t back to normal. It was as if his brain was off in his own little world, something that would have been normal for her, but Akio was usually right in the middle of the action. Now, it was as if he couldn’t connect at all. Her heart hurt when she saw him in those weak moments. But she didn’t pry. He knew she was there for him, if he needed her.
So when her phone buzzed her awake very early on Thursday morning, she wasn’t surprised to see Akio’s name on her phone.
She rolled over, away from Michi’s side of the room, to answer. “Akio?” she whispered. “What’s wrong?”
She could hear the wind whistling through the phone as he answered, “Sorry for waking you up in the middle of the night.”
“It’s fine,” she replied. And she meant it. If he was waking her up this early, it must be for something important. “Where are you? It sounds like you’re outside.”
“I’m just walking around the neighborhood. I haven’t been able to sleep lately. Walking helps me think.”
“It’s freezing out,” she softly scolded him, “you shouldn’t be out there. You’ll get sick.”
“I’m bundled up. It’s fine, Obaa-chan,” he teased her.
“Hey! I just don’t want to have to hear about it next week when you’re miserable with a cold.”
He let out a small laugh but didn’t reply. She waited. He had called her; there must have been a good reason. But she didn’t want to push him.
Finally, he cleared his throat. “Emily-chan. I...I want to visit Kyoto.”
She sprung up in bed. “What?” she exclaimed, a little more loudly than she should have. Michi shifted with a moan over in her bed. She lowered her voice again and replied, “Are you sure, Akio? That’s a really big step.”
“I haven’t stopped thinking about it since we talked on Sunday. And I want to go. I have to go see them. The grave and the bakery. I’ve put it off for far too long, and I’m not a child anymore. I need to do this.”
“That’s amazing, Akio!” Her heart swelled with pride. “When are you going?”
“I want to go as soon as possible, so I’m heading out Saturday morning.”
“I think that’s a great idea!”
There was a long pause. The whistling wind filled the silence between them.
“Akio-kun? Are you still there?”
“Um, yeah. I was wondering,” he stammered, “if you...if you would go with me.”
“Oh!”
“I know you’re busy with school,” he rambled on. “But I just thought...I just feel like—”
“Of course I’ll go with you, Akio-kun,” Emily promised. “This is a huge step. You’re going to need someone there with you. I just thought...maybe you were taking Hamada.”
“I thought about it,” he agreed. Then his voice dropped a little quieter. She almost couldn’t hear him above the breeze. “But I wanted you to come with me more.”
Her cheeks burned. “Then, I will be there.”
Emily had been researching about the proper protocol for attending a Japanese gravesite— how to clean the grave, what to bring as gifts, and all that. And even though it wasn’t technically a funeral, she decided to dress up in a black dress (with black tights and a black coat to fight the cold weather). Which was apparently the right call. When Akio showed up at eight o’clock sharp to pick her up, he was also dressed in black.
He gave her a somber smile. “Ohayou.”
“Ohayou,” she softly replied. He looked nice in his black suit. But she couldn’t help but feel like something, other than his easy smile, was missing. “Where’s your camera at?” she finally asked.
“I didn’t bring it. I can’t keep hiding behind my camera. I want to fully be there in the moment today,” he replied firmly. “No matter how much it hurts.”
But Akio was still a nervous mess on the train ride to Kyoto. He had black circles under his eye and kept picking at the strings on his coat sleeve. She watched him reach multiple times for the camera or its neck strap that wasn’t there anymore. When he realized what he was doing, he’d rub his neck and sigh instead.
It was heartbreaking.
Her arms cried out to comfort him, but her fears (and social protocol) kept her firmly in her seat. They spent three hours on the train in somber silence.
The train pulled up to the station in Kyoto and they joined the others stepping off onto the platform.
Emily grabbed Akio’s arm. “Do you remember the address?”
Akio nodded. Emily followed him towards the taxis that were waiting outside for passengers. He spoke briefly with one of the drivers, and they both got inside the car. The taxi driver led them out of the main streets of Kyoto towards the countryside.
“I didn’t realize you were a country boy,” Emily lightly teased him, hoping it would help lighten the mood some.
He gave her the first smile she had seen from him all day. It was only a half-smile. But she would take what she could get. “Yeah, I suppose. It was one of the reasons I liked Tokyo so much. It was really different from where I grew up. More to do.”
And then the silence continued.
After a few more minutes, the taxi driver stopped in front of a small store. The sign said it was a pawn shop, but it was much nicer than any pawn shop that Emily had ever seen back in America.
“We’re here, sir,” the taxi man announced.
Akio peered at the building and then up and down the street. The confused look on his face made her skin crawl with worry, but Akio still thanked the man, paid him, and got out of the car. So Emily followed suit. His tall frame was silhouetted against the building. He kept staring at the building, then he would walk a few steps down the sidewalk. And then past Emily to the other side of the sidewalk. His pacing became more and more frantic.
Emily tried to get his attention. “Akio?”
The pacing continued.
“Akio!” she shouted. But he was still walking in a circle, now muttering to himself about addresses.
Anxious jolts fired through her body as she watched him melting down. “Akio, what’s wrong?” she demanded. She grabbed his arm, as he flew past her again. “Akio! What is going on?” she demanded even louder than before.
Her touch seemed to jolt him back to reality. But his brown eyes were still constricted with fear. “It’s not here,” he whispered.
“What do you mean it’s not here?” Her own panic starting to set in.
“The bakery! My home! It’s supposed to be right here!” he shouted, pointing at the pawn shop building. Then he pointed at a building a little down the street that boasted a grocery store sign. “That was my friend Sano’s house. His family ran the grocery store. And the Kayashima’s lived across the street with their two cats and old Shiba Inu, who spent most of his time sleeping on their front porch.”
His eyes glazed over as if he was seeing everything as it once was in his childhood.
She reached out tenderly and grabbed his arm. “Why don’t we ask the owne
r of this shop? Maybe he’ll have some answers.”
He nodded and quickened his pace back towards the pawn shop. He pulled himself out of her grasp in doing so. She trotted to keep up with him, but he was on a mission. He was already mid-sentence, by the time she got into the shop.
“—seen a bakery on this street? Its address used to be right here.” Akio was towering menacingly over the little old man behind the store counter.
“Um, I’m very sorry, sir,” the shop owner apologized up at Akio. His nervous expression darted from Akio’s shaking form to Emily’s concerned one. “I haven’t seen a bakery in the few years I’ve had my shop here. But this land was empty for some time. Maybe the bakery was here some time before that? I heard there was a fi—”
“Maybe? Maybe there was a bakery here? Of course there was a bakery here! It was my home! It was where I grew up!” Akio shouted at him. “And you come and build your filthy shop on top of my family’s property!”
The shop owner trembled and backed away from Akio’s angry form. “I’m sorry, sir!”
Emily was shaking almost as bad. She started tugging on his arm. “Enough Akio! It’s not this man’s fault, and you know it!” she rebuked him softly.
He ripped his arm out of her grasp again, but his raging stopped.
Emily apologized for the both of them. “I’m so sorry, sir, for the inconvenience we have caused you. My friend is just…. It’s been a hard day for him. We’ll be leaving now. Again, we are so sorry.” She bowed deeply and muttered another apology as she led herself and Akio back out the front door.
Back out in the chilly autumn air, Akio detached himself from Emily’s grip and walked forward to a field across the street. Then he sank to the ground. Emily followed him. The sounds of children playing soccer down the field traveled up on the wind towards them. A few older women walked down the sidewalks gossiping and shooting confused looks at the two young adults sitting on the dusty ground. Emily turned her gaze back towards Akio to avoid their stares.
The panic and anger that were there not two minutes before had completely dissipated and only a sunken stare remained.