Paper Dream

by Kayla Morgan

  Mr. Tanaka had told her that Michi’s life had been improved when Emily entered into her life but, the truth was, Michi was really the one who had helped her. And Hamada-kun. And Akio. Her heart was so grateful for them all that Emily knew in her heart that even if the mangaka thing didn’t work out that this moment, with these three dorks right here, would have made it all worth it.

  chapter nineteen

  Emily shook like a leaf as she knocked on Nakamura-sensi’s office door later that week. She wanted to get her approval on the portfolio before the interview, even though she still had no clue when that was going to be.

  “Sumimasen,” she announced as she walked into the room.

  Nakamura-sensei looked up from the paperwork on her desk. “Johnson-san,” she welcomed her with a smile. She placed her pen down. “Come on in. Take a seat!”

  Emily bowed slightly and sat down across from her desk.

  “You wanted to show me your portfolio?”

  “Yes. I would love to see what you think before I give it to Mr. Nakamura. I’m...a little worried.”

  She tilted her head. “And why is that, Johnson-san?”

  Embarrassment crept up her face. How could she not know? “I’m a little worried,” Emily explained, “that it’s not...not good enough. That it’s not perfect.”

  Nakamura-sensei pursed her lips. “I see. Well, I’d be more than happy to look at it for you.”

  Emily handed her the folder with shaking hands. Then her hands immediately found their way back to the curls at the end of her wig. She spun them around her fingers with frantic nervous energy. Nakamura-sensei attached post-it notes with her comments on different pages throughout. Emily nodded along as she explained them out loud to her. Thank kami-sama that Nakamura-sensei was writing it down as well. Emily’s anxiety wasn’t allowing her to take in anything she was saying.

  Finally, Nakamura-sensei closed the portfolio with a gentle snap. “Thank you for showing me this, Johnson-san. I’m very proud of the work you’ve done. I am honored to be able to call you one of my students. I think that my brother will be very impressed.”

  Her heart sang and her face burst into a nervous smile. “Really?”

  “Yes, this is extraordinary work.” Nakamura-sensei’s sweet smile slid from her face. “I only have one serious concern.”

  “Oh.” Emily froze. Her teacher’s pursed lips made her fear the worst. Nakamura-sensei was always smiling.

  “Are you proud of your work, Johnson-san?”

  The question was so unexpected that all she could do was blink at her teacher.

  “Uh, I mean, yeah,” she stumbled, “I guess so.”

  Nakamura-sensei’s eyes flashed just a serious look that Emily’s heart momentarily stopped. She didn’t like that look at all. Nakamura-sensei folded her hands delicately on top of Emily’s portfolio as she stared Emily down.

  “Johnson-san. This is essential to you becoming a great artist. I saw how uncomfortable you were in front of your classmates in our last class together. As if you were frightened to be in your own skin. I am more than happy to help you better yourself as an artist; there is always room to improve. But you cannot live solely off the praise of others. The number one supporter of your art needs to be you.”

  Nakamura-sensei’s look softened as she continued on. “If you know that what you made was the absolute best work you could have done, then it is imperative that you be proud of it. Some people will follow you; others won’t. And that’s okay. No matter what you do, there will be people who don’t like you or the work you’ve created. Even if it is ‘perfect’ in the eyes of most. But if you don’t believe in your work, you’ll never convince anyone else to believe in it either. This is your fatal flaw, Johnson-san. But I truly believe you can overcome it.”

  As Emily walked to lunch to meet up with her friends, Nakamura-sensei’s words kept circling through her mind. She was right. Emily had always been hard on herself. It was just another one of her defense mechanisms. If she criticized herself first, it didn’t hurt as much when others voiced their negative opinions. She needed to learn to let go of that and appreciate the hard work that she had done. Learn to be proud of herself for her own approval, not just the approval of others.

  Emily was still mulling over this new idea as she approached their normal cafeteria table. She was so far gone in the thoughts that at first she didn’t realize Akio was missing from the table. Hamada and Michi were holding hands and chatting blissfully with each other. The way their eyes sparkled when they talked was sweet but also kind of nauseating.

  “Your lovely-dovey aura is really bumming me out,” Emily teased, breaking out of her deep thoughts.

  “Well, you’re just going to have to get used to it,” Michi replied, not embarrassed at all. Hamada, on the other hand, looked a little more uncomfortable. But he didn’t try to move his hand away from Michi’s. Only mumbled a small apology.

  “Where’s Akio-kun?” Emily asked.

  “He’s running behind. Said he had some errand to run after class,” Hamada replied. “He should be here soon.”

  She nodded and tried to concentrate on her food, but her mind was still elsewhere.

  “What is going on with you?” Michi with demanded with a huff. “You’re so spacey that you can’t even keep your rice on your chopsticks!”

  “Gomen.” Emily apologized, as she wiped the food pieces off her lap. “It’s just that I had my meeting with Nakamura-sensei today.”

  Michi’s eyes flipped from irritated to excited. “And? What did she have to say?”

  “She said she thinks that Mr. Nakamura will be very impressed with my work and that she’s proud to call me one of her students.”

  “That’s amazing, Emi-chan! Omedetou!” Michi exclaimed.

  “Omedetou, Johnson-chan!” Hamada chimed in.

  Emily smiled weakly at their congratulations, still concerned about the rest of her conversation with Nakamura-sensei.

  “What are we congratulating Emily-chan on?”

  Akio had shown up at their table. He was brushing the snow off his coat.

  “Emily’s portfolio was approved by Nakamura-sensei,” Michi informed him.

  Akio’s wonderful grin grew on his face. “That’s great! Omedetou, Emily-chan!”

  She grew a little warm with him glowing at her like that. She shifted uncomfortably in her seat.

  Michi stared at her with a calculating look. “You know, for someone who basically just got their life work approved by someone in her field, you don’t seem very happy.”

  Emily shook her head. She placed her chopsticks down and leaned back against her chair with folded arms. “Nakamura-sensei also lectured me.”

  Michi’s blue eyes blinked back in confusion. “Seriously? About what?”

  “She told me that I’m too hard on myself,” Emily explained, “and that it’s ‘imperative’ that I learn to be proud of the work that I’ve created.”

  Hamada and Akio flinched. “Ah,” Hamada responded, “that’s rough.”

  Akio nodded in agreement.

  Michi, the most logical one of the group, looked at them like they had lost their minds. “What are you talking about? Her sensei is right. Her work is amazing. She should be proud of it.”

  “It’s not always that easy,” Akio answered for the rest of them. “Artists tend to be really critical of themselves.”

  “Well, whatever, it should be that easy.” Michi announced with a flip of her long hair. “You’re awesome, Emi-chan. We all know it. And I’m sure one day, you’ll see it too.”

  Emily nodded slowly and stared down at her tray. Maybe one day she’d learn how to do it. She felt like she’d spent a lifetime trying to hide herself from the negative comments of others, but the ones she needed to battle all along had been the ones inside her head. Trying to fix your head wasn’t nearly as easy as avoiding the people outside. But she was willing to try.

  After all, she was doing much crazier things to try and improve
herself for her career. She couldn’t let her own mindset stop her.

  “Yeah,” Emily finally answered back, “maybe one day. Arigatou, Michi.”

  Hamada chimed in with slight annoyance, “Hey! How come I’m the only one in the group who didn’t get to see the famous portfolio?” He hung his head in playful disappointment.

  Emily broke into a small smile. “I’ll let you see it after we eat. There’s no way I’m letting it anywhere near this table right now.” Hamada perked up and agreed.

  “Speaking of food,” Akio butted in, “I still need to eat. You getting any seconds, Hamada?” He gave him a pointed look.

  At first Hamada looked confused but then a light switched in his eyes, and he quickly agreed.

  “Sure, I’ll join you.”

  The boys left, and Michi leaned across the table. “Good! I thought they’d never leave. We need to talk about Valentine’s Day.”

  Emily’s brows scrunched up. “Valentine’s Day? Damn it, that’s coming up, isn’t it?”

  Michi rolled her eyes. “Of course it is, Emi. I know you live locked away in that little artist brain of yours, but how could you not notice that we are practically a week into February.” She pointed up at the paper hearts that were hanging around the cafeteria.

  “I’ve been a little busy!” She hadn’t even noticed the hearts. How long had they been up there? Even she felt a little sheepish at her obliviousness.

  “Look. I know you’ve been living in America for the past twenty-ish years, but I’m assuming you know how important Valentine’s Day is here?”

  “Of course I do. I’ve been reading shoujo manga since I was ten years old. I’m well aware of the Valentine’s Day story arc.”

  “Well, I’m planning on making my honmei chocolates for Hamada this weekend. I’ll probably make my giri chocolates for you, Akio, and Dad while I’m at it. Do you want to join me?”

  Emily cringed at the thought. Making food wasn’t exactly her thing. Meaning she had never really been taught how. Her grandma always did it, which she loved since she always made foods from her adventures around the world. Emily couldn’t even cook macaroni and cheese, let alone make her own chocolates.

  “I think I’m going to have to pass on that, Mii-chan,” Emily replied. Michi instantly started to protest, but she cut her off. “I am not any good at cooking or baking or any of that stuff. I’ll probably just go pick up some giri chocolates at the store instead.”

  “Buying chocolates this close to Valentine’s Day?” Michi responded in astonishment. “Are you crazy? You’ll be in line for hours!”

  “It’s okay! I need to get some reading done anyways. Just because I’m basically done with my portfolio doesn’t mean I’m done preparing for the interview. I don’t even know what to wear or what kinds of questions to prepare for. Plus, I should probably brush up on my formal Japanese, so I’m not stumbling at the interview.” She was thinking about the book her father had gotten her for Christmas. Maybe it wasn’t such a terrible present after all.

  Michi huffed. “Fine. But what’s this talk of only getting giri chocolates? Those are just obligatory friendship chocolates. Please don’t tell me you’re planning on giving those to Akio-kun!”

  “Of course I am, Michi,” Emily responded. “I’ve told you a thousand times that nothing is happening between me and Akio-kun. Once I’ve established myself at the internship, if I even get it, then maybe I can come clean. But not until then. So I certainly can’t give Akio-kun any love chocolates right now.”

  Michi pouted and crossed her arms. “Fine. But I was really hoping you would confess to him on Valentine’s Day and then we could all start going on double-dates. How much fun would that be!”

  Her mind wandered to holding hands with Akio-kun on their outings out in Tokyo instead of just wishing she could. All of them eating at one of those cutesy restaurants that they were always passing by.

  “Yeah, that would be pretty fun,” she said wistfully. “But I still can’t say anything yet, Mii-chan. Just wait a little longer. I’m sorry. And, by the way, thank you for not saying anything to Hamada-kun about any of this. Must be hard now since you’re dating.”

  “A little. But we were best friends first. I would never let you down like that, Emi-chan.” She looked so earnest as she said it that Emily knew she wouldn’t go back on her word.

  “Thanks, Mii-chan.”

  Emily came trudging back from her horrendous shopping experience a few days later. Michi had not been exaggerating when she said Emily would be stuck in line for hours waiting to buy chocolates. Thank kami-sama she had brought her father’s “Japanese for Business” phrasebook, as well as the “How to Ace Your Japanese Interview” book that she had rented from the library. At least she had gotten some reading done during the hour and a half long wait. But at least now, she had her precariously packed chocolates ready for next week. She was pretty excited about them actually. The ones she picked had a mix of everything including little chocolates that looked like panda bears.

  But all those thoughts of chocolates were thrown out of her mind as soon as she opened her computer to check her email. There under her father’s obligatory, now once a month, email was an email from Mr. Nakamura.

  She let out a scream and pulled the computer screen closer. Her eyes flitted over the words in the email so quickly that she wasn’t actually taking anything in. Taking deep breaths, she forced herself to calm down and actually read the email.

  Michi came rushing out of their bathroom. “Did you scream?” she demanded. “I could have sworn I heard a scream.”

  “Gomen, gomen,” Emily replied with distraction. “Mr. Nakamura emailed me!”

  “Sugoi! What did he say? When’s the interview?”

  Emily reread the email and turned to her best friend. “Next Saturday the 14th at 2:30 pm. We are meeting at his office in Kichijoji. He said it’s about twenty minutes by train from Shinjuku Station. I’m supposed to bring my portfolio.”

  Michi stared at her. Emily stared back waiting for a response of excitement, but instead Michi looked exasperated. “The 14th? That’s Valentine’s Day!”

  “Oh, yeah. I guess it is. But that doesn’t matter for me anyway. It’s not like I have plans.”

  “Yeah! I know! But I was hoping we’d be able to go out for drinks after you were done with this interview. We could either be celebrating or drowning out your sorrows. It was the perfect plan.”

  Emily rolled her eyes. “Thanks for the vote of confidence, best friend.”

  “I’m not sure where Hamada’s taking me for our date, but I’ll tell him about your interview. Maybe we could still make it for drinks afterwards!”

  “That’s really sweet of you, Mii-chan. I’ll keep you posted.” She was getting nervous already. She grabbed the pile of books off her desk and crawled into bed. “But now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m now going to go panic-read all of my interview books until I lose consciousness.”

  Emily barely recognized the girl staring back at her. After scouring the internet and the books she had rented from the library, she had found that the suit her mother had sent her was, unfortunately, exactly what she needed to wear to her interview.

  “I look so…generic,” she complained to Michi. “I feel like I should be going to some business meeting with my mother. And I can’t believe I have to wear pantyhose. Even private school wasn’t this bad.”

  Michi was busy tucking Emily’s wig into a ponytail that showed her ears (something else her research was adamant about) but didn’t show Emily’s real hair underneath. “It’s just for the interview,” Michi explained to her again. “You’ll be able to wear your regular clothes once you get the job. Speaking of which, did you see I packed you a change of clothes in the purse I’m letting you borrow?”

  “Yeah, I saw that.” Michi had been weirdly pushy about this issue. She had mentioned it multiple times over the last few days. “Why did you pick the fancy black dress I hide in the back of my closet?” Emily que
stioned her. “Did you think I would embarrass you on our night out with one of my normal outfits?”

  Michi gave her a small secretive smile. “Something like that.”

  If her nerves weren’t already a mess, Emily would have asked more. But she couldn’t handle any more stress than she had right now. She grabbed her portfolio off her desk and clutched it to her chest. “What do you think?”

  Michi clasped Emily’s arms and looked into her pale, fear-stricken face. “You’ve got this, Emi-chan. Just don’t pass out on the way there. Ganbatte!”

  Every step felt heavy. It was bad enough she had to wear dress shoes with little heels. But her nervous shaking on top of it was making everything worse. She forced herself to take small strides and focus on exactly where she was stepping so she didn’t fall down.

  Sitting on the train was even more nerve-racking, because now she didn’t have any mundane tasks to distract herself with. But the words that Nakamura-sensei had told her a week before came back to her. She had to relax. Her portfolio was completely polished now. It was hard to look at something that she had worked on for so long without expecting perfection from it. But she had to admit. It was pretty freaking good. And for the first time in her life, she allowed herself to be proud and content with her work.

  Emily took deep, even breaths as she stepped off the train. (Something she had researched on the internet about how to help control her anxieties. She was hoping to research more about it after this whole interview process was over. She still felt like she had a long way to go.) She even forced her head up high and started striding with a confident walk.

  “Fake it until you make it” was the motto she had picked to get her through today. She could do this. She had to do this. Because she wasn’t returning to America without giving her artwork its very best chance.