Paper Dream

by Kayla Morgan

  He rubbed the back of his neck and gave Emily a half-smile. “I’m embarrassed to say that, at the time, I had no idea that your interview would be on the same day. It was more of just a happy coincidence. But that’s not what this night was for, Emily-chan. I didn’t book this last week. I booked it after New Year’s Day.”

  “New Year’s Day? What do you mean?” she asked, though her heart already knew what he meant.

  Akio forced his nervous hands back down in his lap and stared straight ahead into Emily’s eyes. “Emily, I thought I was being obvious, but maybe I need to be clearer. You are going to make an amazing mangaka. You have more talent than anyone I’ve ever met. But your talent isn’t the only thing that makes you amazing. You may have your quiet and reserved side, but you also have that quick-witted, sharp side that makes me laugh. I’ve never had as much fun with anyone as I have when I’m with you. Even when you’re angry at me, you’re still amazingly beautiful. I used to wonder why you would even hang out with a dork like me, and then I realized that you’re an even bigger dork than I am. And when I carried you home after that horrible shrine incident, I thought I was going to lose my mind with worry. I didn’t know what I was going to do if I lost you, too. But then you curled up against me that night, and I knew. I knew I was in love with you. And the risk didn’t matter anymore. I had to tell you. I love you, Emily.”

  Love. I love you. Dai suki.

  Her brain just couldn’t wrap itself around those words. With her eyes like a deer in headlights, all Emily could do was shake her head slowly back and forth.

  It sent the wrong picture to Akio. He started panicking. “I’m sorry, Emily-chan. I didn’t mean to upset you. I thought maybe you liked me too. Back at the coffee shop when you almost—? Ah, but of course I was wrong. Please forgive me, Emily-chan. Forget I ever said anything.”

  Emily shook her head a little harder and, even though she hated it, little springs of tears popped up in her eyes. “That’s not it. Akio, we can’t do this. I’m so sorry. This is all my fault. I messed everything up. You just don’t understand. Things are more complicated than you think.”

  His eyes were searching hers for answers. There was so much fear in his eyes that it only made her guilt worse. Her tears grew even heavier.

  “Complicated? What are you talking about, Emily-chan?” he questioned.

  She shoved back from the table and quickly stood up, snatching her purse and coat off her seat. “I have to go. Akio-kun, I’m so sorry. But I have to go.” And she sprinted off through the restaurant and towards the stairs.

  The other patrons stared and jumped as she flew past them. The hostess asked her if she was alright. But it was his cries of her name slipping through the closing metal doors to the stairs that finally made the tears fall.

  chapter twenty-one

  Michi had warned her. She had warned her from the very beginning to decide what to do if Akio fell in love with her disguise. And she hadn’t listened. She had never even given it a single thought.

  It had seemed so far-fetched at the time. The handsome photographer she had just met falling in love with a neurotic geek like herself? Impossible. The only thing she could think of at the time was that she still wanted to be friends with him. Because she was selfish.

  Emily had come to Tokyo to fulfill her dreams of becoming a mangaka. But as she ran through the crowds with her aching, high-heeled feet pounding on the concrete ground, she realized that another dream had been forming inside of her as well. And even though she had denied it, dismissed it, and tried to beat it down into quiet submission, the dream had been sitting there silently all the same. She had been dreaming that she would be able to fall in love, too. Not with just anyone though, but with him. From the second she met Akio, she had been fawning over him. And when she had decided to let herself become friends with him, it had been sitting back there satisfied.

  She was disgusted with herself. Because falling in love with Akio hadn’t just been a lavish dream that she allowed herself while she was asleep. It wasn’t some idea that she could push down into her internal box and ignore. Because Akio had gotten involved too.

  It seemed she was so terrible at hiding her own feelings that Akio had been led on as well. She did this to him.

  Michi would just have to explain things to him. And when he found out what a secretive manipulative mess she was, not only would he fall out of love with her on the spot, but he’d probably never want to see her again. The thought made her heart cry in anguish. But she knew she deserved it. She had been selfish to think that she could have two dreams at once. It was asking the universe for too much.

  She pushed through another crowd and finally ended up in a nearby park. There was a bench hidden behind one of the bushes, and she collapsed into it. Her feet couldn’t move another step even if she wanted them to. She hugged her knees to her chest and let the heavy tears fall.

  “Emily-chan.”

  Emily jumped and looked up. Akio’s hair was even more tousled than normal as he towered over her.

  “Emily,” he stated again. His eyes were hard with anger. “What the hell is going on?”

  “H-How did you find me?” she squeaked.

  “Emily-chan, you have the legs of an eight-year-old child. Of course I caught up with you.” His glare lessened a little and he sat down on the bench beside her. He ran a shaky hand through his hair. “Emily. I’ve been working up the courage to this moment for months now. Even if the answer is no and you don’t love me, that’s okay. I just...need to know. I honestly don’t understand what could possibly be more complicated than that.”

  She took a shaky breath and hugged herself tighter. “Trust me. It really is more complicated than that,” she reiterated. “I’m not who you think I am,”

  “Okay,” Akio replied slowly. “Then who are you exactly?”

  Emily shook her head and uncurled herself, allowing her heels to settle back on the ground. She couldn’t even look him in the eyes. “You’re going to think I’m crazy.”

  “You’ve never gotten a chance to meet my sister,” Akio said with a small laugh, “but trust me—I’m used to crazy.”

  “But you see that’s the thing,” she responded, and this time she stared him down. “I have met Hanami-chan.”

  Akio balked. “What are you talking about? Hanami wasn’t even there New Year’s Day.”

  Emily sighed deeply. It was too late now. They had gotten this far. She had messed everything up, and now he thought he was in love with her. He deserved the truth at least. No matter how terrified she was to see his revolted face.

  Her hands slowly reached up under her wig. “I came here from America with one goal in mind.” The first pin popped out. “I was going to become a mangaka.” Another pin fell into her lap. “But when I got here, everyone just kept looking at me like an American.” Two more added to the pile. “And so, I got this crazy idea. I couldn’t change my name, but I thought that maybe if I looked like I belonged here then I would be taken more seriously as an artist.” The final pin completed the pile. “So I bought myself a wig and tried to dress like the Japanese girls around me.” She grabbed the top of her wig. “I’m not Emily Johnson, the half-Japanese girl who grew up in America.” The wig and her hair net came tumbling into her lap. Her natural brown hair spilled out. “I’m just Emily Johnson, the American from Middleton, Illinois with a bucket-load of anxiety issues.”

  There she was. Totally exposed. There was no going back now. She self-consciously pulled her fingers through her real hair while avoiding Akio’s eyes. She probably looked like a complete shit-show. Her hair always resembled more of a bird’s nest when she first took it out of the wig, on those rare occasions that she did let her normal hair down. Running her fingers through it, she was surprised to find that it was all the way past her shoulders now. She wondered how faded her purple stripe was.

  The purple stripe was the first thing Akio noticed. “You!” he exclaimed.

  Emily flinched. “Akio, I�
�m so sorry,” she started to explain. “I was just trying to get my best shot of becoming a mangaka and my normal self wasn’t cutting it. I didn’t mean to get you involved. And I really didn’t mean to hurt you.”

  “I don’t care about that!”

  Her eyes darted to his. “What?” she whispered in disbelief.

  Akio stood up and paced back and forth in front of her.

  “I can’t believe this. You were here. You were here all along,” he kept muttering to himself.

  Emily could only watch with confused dread. He stopped his pacing and pulled something out of his back pocket. His wallet. He rummaged through it and grabbed a folded piece of paper.

  “This is you, isn’t it?” he demanded, as he shoved the paper at her.

  “What are you talking about?

  He let out a frustrated groan and unfolded the paper.

  “This is you, isn’t it?” he demanded again.

  There in his hands was the last picture she had drawn before she disappeared from the Yume Inn back in April. It was the one of her silhouette staring up at the skyscrapers of Tokyo that stood towering above her.

  ‘Chasing my paper dream’ was scrawled in Japanese across the top.

  “I had almost forgotten all about this drawing until a few months ago,” she whispered in awe. “No wonder I couldn’t find it.”

  “Well I didn’t forget.”

  There was the look she hadn’t wanted to see. Akio’s brown eyes, the ones usually filled with bright sunlight, were now teeming with flames of fire. His glare made her feel even smaller.

  “I can’t believe you’re the American girl who stayed with us! Do you know that I looked everywhere for you? Obaa-chan asked me to keep an eye on you, and, not only did you disappear from the inn without a trace, but I couldn’t find you anywhere at school! I couldn’t figure it out! How hard could it possibly be to find an American girl with a bright purple stripe in her hair? Obaa-chan was worried sick about you! I finally just told her that you must have gone back to America or transferred or something! But here you are! You’ve been here the whole time!”

  He collapsed with frustration into the bench again beside her. “This is crazy. I even saw your drawings at school! How did I not see it before?”

  “Because,” Emily responded meekly, “an American girl disguising herself as a Japanese girl is totally insane?”

  “Yes!” he exclaimed. “Completely insane! And I thought your name was Clarissa-chan! Or have you been lying about that too?”

  She flinched again. “No! Your grandmother just got confused. She was calling me Clarissa, but that’s my mother’s name. I didn’t have the heart to correct her. I didn’t want to embarrass her. My name really is Emily Johnson.”

  Akio sat back into the bench, arms folded. “Great. So I actually know your real name. At least I didn’t get lied to about that,” he retorted.

  Emily hung her head. “I swear I started off with good intentions, Akio-kun. When I got here everyone kept looking at me like an American, not a mangaka. Even your sister didn’t think it was a good idea. And my career counselor literally laughed in my face! So I decided to take matters into my own hands.”

  She wrapped her jacket around her arms tighter. She felt thoughts bubbling up that she hadn’t dared to admit to herself. But as the words tumbled out, she realized how true they were. “And to be honest, I was terrified. I’m not…super comfortable in my own skin. I went through a lot of shit back home, and I wish I could say that I came out a stronger person. But it mostly gave me lasting anxiety issues. I found that the only time I really felt comfortable was when I was living in other worlds—watching anime, reading manga, drawing in my sketchbook, or—”

  “—or dressing up in cosplay,” Akio finished the sentence for her.

  She nodded weakly. “Exactly. And that’s the whole truth. I don’t expect you to forgive me, Akio-kun. But I do hope you know that I really am truly deeply sorry for getting you all wrapped up into this.”

  He nodded slowly. His arms were still crossed. He stared off into the distance for so long that Emily started to gather her things.

  “I…I guess I’ll be going then.” She picked up her purse and stood up. He still wasn’t looking at her. Oh kami-sama. Her heart was shredding into a million pieces. “I really am sorry, Akio,” she whispered, choking a little on his name. “I’ll leave you alone now.”

  His eyes still refused to meet hers. “Yeah,” he agreed quietly, “I think that would be best.”

  And those miniscule pieces that she did have left of her heart disappeared completely. She choked back a sob, turned, and headed home.

  chapter twenty-two

  “He just needs time,” Michi reassured her once again.

  Emily was tucked into the corner of her bed, leaning against the wall for support. Michi kept pacing the room, as if she could somehow solve Emily’s problems by taking it out on their already thin carpet.

  “You didn’t see the look on his face,” Emily whispered and pulled her pillow even closer to her chest. The little makeup she did have on for the day was now strewn across her face from all her crying. She resembled a drowning raccoon more than a person now. “It’s official—I ruined everything.”

  “No way!” Michi stopped and pointed. “Akio-kun worked his ass off on that date. He’s been in love with you for a while. Trust me! Hamada told me all about it. Akio just needs time.”

  Emily sighed and plopped her face into the pillow again. She knew Michi was trying to help, but, honestly, Emily knew what she said was far-fetched. Emily had weaved together an elaborate, ridiculous lie and now it had finally come back to bite her in the ass. She deserved this. She had gotten her dream job, but—

  “Oh no.” Emily’s head bolted back up, and she stared Michi down with a look of fear and realization. “I have to tell them, don’t I? The internship?”

  Michi flinched but didn’t seem surprised by the thought. “I hate to say it, Emi-chan, but you’re probably right. I understand why you did what you did but that doesn’t mean that everyone will. You have to tell the internship. You can’t keep living this lie.”

  Emily knew Michi was right, but it didn’t make things hurt less. Emily had already ruined things with Akio by letting things go as long as she did. She couldn’t do the same to Mr. Nakamura, even if that meant she lost the internship.

  Michi did everything she could to try and make Emily smile the rest of the night. They played more ‘Rough Draft Basketball’, watched crazy game shows on TV, and had multiple vending machine runs to keep themselves stuffed with carbs and sugar. It was incredibly kind, but Emily also missed having some privacy. So when Michi finally fell asleep, Emily crawled back up into bed and allowed herself one more good cry. That was all the self-pity she would allow, and then, when she woke up tomorrow morning, she would fix this disaster that she had created.

  Emily was not proud to admit that the first thing she did the next morning was drag her phone over to check and see if Akio had texted her.

  A blank home screen stared back at her.

  Her heart squeezed in pain, but she forced herself to move on. She had to contact Mr. Nakamura. But when Mr. Nakamura finally emailed her back about the meeting time that she had requested, he explained that he wasn’t available until Tuesday.

  Two more days to stew.

  Fantastic.

  So, Emily did her best to busy herself with her projects. She had plenty of homework to work on. Shows to catch up on. Books she had wanted to read. She originally picked up one of the mangaka books from her trip to Akihabara but Akio’s smiling face flashed through her mind. Emily’s stomach squeezed into a tight knot, and she immediately shoved the book into her desk drawer. She picked up an old manga series instead and dove into it. Anything, anything to keep her distracted from the problems that she couldn’t solve yet.

  On Tuesday morning, Emily woke with so much nervous energy that could have run to the Tokyo Tower and back without even breaking a swe
at. Michi was at one of her morning classes but that was okay. She didn’t need her help with her wig today. In fact, she hadn’t put it back on since her conversation with Akio on Saturday. If she was going to come clean about who she was and what she wanted, she had to start with physically showing her real self. No matter how jumpy it made her.

  As she slipped into the suit her mother had given her, she realized, with dread, that there were still some more people in her life that she hadn’t been honest with yet.

  Running off pure adrenaline and determined nerves, Emily picked up the phone and called.

  Her mother and father were furious. Of all the times they actually answered their home phone on the first try, this, of course, had to be it. Her mother was so distraught that she had barely said more than ten words. But her father did enough talking for the both of them. He refused to pay for her school anymore. She would have to start taking out school loans just like everyone else, which she figured would happen. He was also canceling her credit card. She wouldn’t have any access to the family money through him anymore.

  “If you’re going to reject and humiliate the Johnson name then you will no longer be allowed to live like a Johnson,” he had growled at her.

  And then he hung up.

  She sat on her bed and stared in silence at the phone. She was surprised to find a few tears had fallen into her lap. Emily thought that she had gotten used to hearing their disapproval, but this final blow had still stung.

  Grandma, of course, was still supportive. Telling her how proud of her she was.

  “Don’t listen to that son of mine, Emily darling. He’s got his nose so far up those balance books of his that he can’t see outside of his own ass. One day, he’ll come around, dear. And your mother too. I truly believe that. You struck out and made a name for yourself. You have made me, and the Johnson name, very proud. No matter what they say.”