Final Grains of Sand

by David Harder

  People sat dumbfounded, staring at the doctor.

  “I mean it, folks. Turn right now to the individuals sitting on either side of you and tell them. Do it!”

  Dr. Nolan watched with fascination as the room erupted in quiet chatter as people awkwardly attempted to follow the doctor’s instructions. After a few minutes, the room quieted again, and everyone focused on Tom.

  “That wasn’t so hard now, was it? While you still can, make a promise to tell everyone around you how much they mean to you. Some of you call this a random act of kindness, but I call it being honest and human. We hide behind our insecurities, often covering them up with bravado, anger, coldness, judgment, condescending attitudes, even racism, but the truth is every one of you who heard another person share their love and concern was touched by the exercise.

  “Why are we waiting until it’s too late? It’s time to stop hiding and share the truth. All of us want to be accepted and loved. If you disagree, then, just maybe, you may not be a human. Perhaps you’re a machine or a robot. Humans need each other to survive, no matter how independent we feel or claim to be. Let us not waste another day by pretending we don’t appreciate or need our fellow humans in our journey. We must share our true feelings and encourage one another. I urge you to do this each day and frequently—especially to strangers.

  “When Jesus walked this earth, He spoke several times about this very subject when He said in Mark 12:31, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself,’ and John 15:13, ‘Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.’ I want to start by saying to my teammates—I love and recognize the value of each of you, especially in your sharing about James’ life. I’ve grown to appreciate each of you. Do not let another day go by without taking the time to appreciate your fellow human beings.”

  Dr. Nolan paused to gather his thoughts since he was no longer following his script. He looked around and regrettably saw his speech notes scattered at his feet. Shaking his head, Tom dismissed his original plans.

  “What I’m about to share comes from my heart, and I’m forgetting the notes I spent too much time preparing. You have no idea how difficult it is to stand before you today and witness the death of a friend, whom I helped deliver as a newborn just sixty years ago, seeing him take his first breath. When a baby cries out, catching the first gasp of air, they are breathing life into their body. To stand here and see that life now gone—especially when James was such a great person . . . Well, at my age, it weighs heavily upon my soul. There are so many dark and sinister humans who deserve to die—should die—yet, God chooses to let a terrific person like James die.

  “If you’re not asking why, then perhaps you should reexamine your compassion for humanity. There is far too much negative news bombarding us from the television. The only way we combat the negativity is to remember the good people, like James, and remind ourselves how much better we can act toward one another. As a doctor, I can easily tell you, life is too fragile. Cherish the moments you have and honor one another.”

  Tom folded his hands on the podium and looked down.

  “Thank you for listening to this old man ramble on for so long.” Tom looked up toward the ceiling. “Thank you, James, for giving me the opportunity to know you and to share our journey together. I know you’re at peace and in heaven with our heavenly Father. Tell Him I said hi.”

  Tom produced his grimace and scanned the room in silence. He then stepped down from the platform, pausing briefly in front of the table with the urn. He took his hand and lovingly caressed the sides of the brass urn before returning to his seat. At the same time, Arleen stood. The two people briefly stood facing each other when Arleen reached out and gave Dr. Nolan a huge embrace.

  Arleen whispered, “I love you, Dr. Nolan. James was truly blessed to have you as a friend.”

  “Thank you, Arleen. Now, do me a favor and share your truth about James and let us see a side of him which only you know.”

  Although Arleen was frightened by the idea and not confident what she would disclose, she assured the doctor. “I will do my best.”

  Arleen gracefully walked to the podium, clutching a small group of index cards containing handwritten notes. She casually but quickly glanced at her notes, then looked up and smiled.

  “Like the good doctor just shared, I originally had planned to share something altogether different, but in lieu of what Dr. Nolan just spoke, I have decided to share from my heart instead.”

  Arleen gave a big sigh. “You’re a difficult act to follow, Dr. Nolan. Your words were so moving.” Arleen looked around the large auditorium. “When one is standing up here, one realizes just how many people are packed into this room. I wish I had spoken before the doctor because it is hard to follow a speech like his.”

  Soft laughter erupted in the room. Arleen took a deep breath.

  “Rather than start from the beginning, I want to share the end part of my relationship with James. Dr. Nolan has given me the courage to be honest today, so thank you, Doctor.

  “Although I worked with James in a professional relationship, he and I shared much more personally. I found James to be the most compassionate, loving, dedicated, and tender man I have ever known. James could make me laugh, and I loved how I felt whenever we were together. Our relationship may have started as work colleagues, but, eventually, we became lovers and passionate partners.”

  Nate smiled broadly and nodded his approval. He then glanced at Pastor Mike to see his reaction. Mike’s face looked as if he had eaten sour grapes. Nate scanned the room and saw various expressions from shock to pleasure. Staci edged to the front of her seat and leaned forward. She appeared as if she didn’t want to miss a word. Nate discretely gave Arleen a thumbs-up signal.

  “When I was a young teen, I became infatuated with an older man, who was not really interested in me as a person but for my body and good looks. I made a terrible mistake and had a baby. As soon as the child was born, it was removed from me, and I never saw the child again. The whole incident doomed my future existence. Afterward, my parents arranged to have me spend years in a Catholic convent and private learning institutions so that I could not be around men. Once I became involved in my career, I had even less interest in men and viewed them as the source of my life’s misery. But then, I met James.

  “Everything I despised about men was turned upside down. James never used flattery or rude comments like all the other men I knew. James was compassionate, kind, professional, and a perfect gentleman. Very quickly, James and I became close friends. We went out for dinner, saw movies, laughed, and walked through the park. The whole time, James delighted in my company, and he never made any sexual advances. The more time we spent together, the more my heart opened to the idea of a relationship with a man. We saw each other often and frequently met during our various travels around the world. Then one day, James revealed he was married.

  “My bad feelings returned, and I was devastated. When I pressed James for answers, he took his time and explained his situation. James said he and his wife lived separate lives but remained married for the sake of the children. James told me his wife had a lover, and it was a very young man from her workplace. It seemed the more James shared about his home life, the more I grew to admire him. My shock shifted to compassion. James told me that as long as he was married, he could not be in an intimate relationship. He wanted to remain friends with me until then. So, we became the very best of friends. Our friendship grew stronger, and we enjoyed each other’s company.

  “Then a most unfortunate incident occurred. James’ wife and her boyfriend were killed in a tragic car accident. I’m not sure why, but James blamed himself, and he felt responsible for their deaths. After several weeks of consoling James, I finally encouraged him to seek a professional counselor. I’m not sure he followed my advice because we never discussed the matter further. In three months, James started being like his old self again. Our relationship flourished, and we became intimate.”

  A
few people in the room gasped at Arleen’s disclosure.

  “Before you judge me or James, you should know we entered our relationship by committing ourselves to each other and before God. We made a pact before God, and we honored our commitment to each other. Please understand, long before the government got involved in marriage, men and women made their commitments before God, and it settled the matter. Eventually, the government saw the chance to make money and established marriage licenses. Before that, marriage was a ceremony between people, not government entities. So please know, our commitment was sacred and honorable.”

  Arleen stood resolutely and let her statement permeate the room. As she disclosed her feelings, she was gaining strength and confidence. She glanced at her teammates and received reassuring smiles from everyone, except Pastor Mike. She quickly dismissed his feelings on the subject and plunged ahead.

  “One day, James surprised me by announcing he had found the child I had given birth to when I was so young. The news was welcoming and frightening at the same time. When I inquired, James indicated he did not know any details but had hired a private investigator to locate my child. It took me several weeks to arrive at a decision to meet this child.

  “The private investigator took seven months to find my daughter; then the government paperwork consumed another ten months. Sadly, James never met my daughter, her husband, and their two beautiful children. He only had the opportunity to see the photographs of my daughter at an age when she was much younger. As I established relationships with my newfound family, James suddenly became distant. We spoke by telephone and shared emails, but he never returned to France for a visit. I ached to see James, but he would always tell me, ‘Perhaps in the future.’ That future never happened. I became so infatuated with my new family that I allowed time to slip by. Then, suddenly, all communication ceased between James and me.

  “I feared the worst and could not reach out to anyone at his company without compromising James. When I discovered he had died, I was beset with horrible grief. Just as I was beginning to establish a fantastic relationship with this beautiful man, it was gone in an instant. I have spent much time trying to resolve my feelings and the circumstances of our friendship. I have questioned God and asked why. Eventually, I arrived at some conclusions.

  “I think James was the catalyst to resolve my past hurts and allow me to reestablish a connection with a family I never knew. He provided me a chance to discover a part of myself that I thought was lost forever. He also opened my eyes to the possibility of love. Along our life’s journey, we meet individuals who we spend a long time with and some not so long. Each person impacts our life in some way. James had an enormous impact on my life, and I regret it was far too short.

  “It’s important we look for the goodness in our experiences and not the negative—always seeking the contributions others made. We become better people for each encounter. James was instrumental in my future happiness, and, for that, I will always be grateful. I will always miss my James and wish we had many more years together, but it was not in God’s plans. And, trust me—I have no idea what plans God has in store, for I am as confused as anyone else with regards to the subject. But I hope one day to meet James again.”

  Emotions quickly surfaced as tears began to roll down Arleen’s cheeks, and she struggled to remain composed. For a lengthy period of time, she looked down, fighting her emotions. Staci sprung from her seat and ran up to Arleen, hugging the woman with all her strength. The two women began sobbing. Out of the silence, a single person began to loudly applaud. In no time, others joined in, and soon the room was filled with a deafening applause. It was Nate who started the response, so he stood to his feet and encouraged the room to join in. The whole church was applauding this woman’s confession and rejoicing. Arleen was receiving a standing ovation.

  Staci and Arleen looked up to see the display of affection and were astounded. As the room slowly returned to normal, Staci started to leave, but Arleen grasped Staci’s hand and asked her to stay. They stood smiling and crying as Arleen attempted to finish her speech. Arleen made eye contact with Pastor Mike.

  “I want to finish by saying that I loved James with all my heart and soul. He was my soulmate, and his loss has left a huge hole in my heart. I will never regret what we shared together.”

  Arleen looked down at Staci.

  “Also, I now have an extended family and hope to connect with all of James’ children. I hope you will accept me.”

  Staci began hugging Arleen, and the room started applauding again. Robert jumped from his chair, but Stephanie reluctantly got up. The two walked to the front. Without prompting, the three children group-hugged with Arleen and expressed their acceptance. Nate and Dr. Nolan both beamed with absolute pride as they exchanged private comments.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  AFTER A LENGTHY TIME, THE room slowly returned to the peaceful, subdued state experienced earlier. Stephanie stood at the front, watching as the trio walked back to their seats. Arleen and Staci held hands as they walked. Staci was thrilled at the opportunity to have an extended family. Stephanie took her time and gathered her thoughts. She had not prepared notes and would speak from her heart. Looking up at the audience, she softly smiled.

  “I’m a little overwhelmed at this moment, almost speechless. I’m sure my brother, Robert, would find this disclosure astounding. But, as I have sat in my seat and listened to five people share about my father, I’ve come to realize something. We really don’t know a person completely. We are aware of a single facet of an individual from work, school, church, socially in our neighborhood, or through some other venue. But the truth is we only know the one side of an individual. It isn’t until we sit in a room like this and listen to the various perspectives that we begin to see the whole picture about a person.

  “I’ve learned more today about my father than I ever thought I knew. Dad was a generous man who cared. He made it possible for all three of us to go to college. He provided a good home for us to live in and made sure our needs were met. There was one thing Dad never provided, though. Despite all attempts by my parents to pretend that our life was rosy, we all knew he and our mother were not happy. They actually displayed more hate than love, but, at the same time, each of us knew our parents were staying together for the sake of us, the children. It was a sham, and we knew it. Mother and Dad individually expressed their love for us, but the idea of a loving family was almost a joke.

  “It hurt even more when Mother decided to get involved with another man, while she and dad were still married. She tried to hide her relationship, but we knew. I wish they could have been more honest with themselves and us. Now they’re both gone, and we’ll never get the chance to resolve our differences. How tragic. Dad was always the one to look for the positives in life. He demonstrated as much love as possible, and for that, I am grateful. Mother was more self-absorbed, but don’t get me wrong—I loved my mother.

  “Growing up, I often would lie to my friends about our home life. I’m embarrassed to say—”

  Stephanie paused, looked down, fought her tears, and took a deep breath. She shook her head.

  “The notion of lying about one’s feeling can be damaging. I’ve spent years in therapy, trying to resolve my issues surrounding the lies.” She looked at her fiancé and smiled. “Thank you, Charles, for your patience and understanding.” He warmly smiled in response.

  “Despite the issues with our parents, I can confidently say we knew our parents independently loved us. For our dad, I learned how to challenge and question basic norms. I learned to not just accept something because someone said it was so, but to dig into the matter and arrive at my own decision. Dad taught me this lesson. Dad also taught me how to appreciate everything and take nothing for granted. Even today—as difficult as this is—I’m learning something new and expanding my appreciation of Dad. By the stories we’ve heard today, you can only imagine that challenge.

  “I remember once, when I was about six or
seven, I decided I wanted to know what was in my Christmas presents. I waited until my parents were busy outside, and I snuck into the house and carefully opened several packages.” Stephanie chuckled. “When you’re young, you think you’re so smart. No matter how careful I was, it was impossible to open the packages without some evidence. Some of the flimsy paper tore, and I did my best to hide the damage. I was sure I had gotten away with my deed when Dad walked into the room. I’m certain guilt was written all over my face.

  “Dad surveyed the room and quickly spotted several presents askew. My heart sank when he picked up the packages and saw they were torn open. I excused myself, saying I needed to use the restroom, but Dad turned and sternly said, ‘Sit down!’ I suddenly felt sick. Mind you, our parents had never spanked us before, but I was certain, at that very moment, this policy was going to abruptly end. My bottom was feeling warm in anticipation. Dad sat on the sofa next to me and I just stared ahead, trying not to cry. I wanted to throw up.

  “Dad didn’t move a muscle but just kept staring, boring holes into my skull. I was certain, I would never see age ten. Then, suddenly, he asked, ‘What happened here, Stephanie?’ My mind raced for something to say that would prevent me from a punishment I knew I deserved. Just when all hope was lost, our cocker spaniel walked into the room. The dog was old and ambled into the living room, plopping onto the carpet, next to Dad’s feet, looking up at me with his big brown eyes. I was instantly happy dogs could not speak because I was about to incriminate the dog for my sins.

  “Taking a deep breath, I confidently told Dad, ‘It was Sandy’s fault. He tore into the presents, and I tried to stop him. I was afraid you and Mom would get mad, so I hid the damage. He was a very bad, bad dog, but please don’t hurt him, Dad. He didn’t mean to do it.’ We looked down at Sandy, and the dog raised his head, perked up his ears, and was panting with a big grin. I was feeling pretty safe by this point. Dad smiled and reached down to pet the dog. Then he looked at me and said, ‘That’s terrible. I hope you didn’t punish the dog.’ ‘Oh, no,’ I said. ‘I just told him he was a bad dog.’