“If you say no, I won’t confide in you.”
Everly stiffened. “About what?”
Stacey leaned in. “I’m not telling. But it’s important. It’s real. You’re the only person I want to talk to about it, but if we don’t do that anymore…”
Everly’s lips quirked. “Stop. Point made. Grab sushi. We’ve had too much junk food lately.”
“Yes, Mom.”
Everly left work laughing, doing her best not to think about all the things she needed to say. Words, like feelings, couldn’t be stuffed back into the boxes they belonged in once a person let them out. Which was why it was good she and Chris hadn’t kissed the other night. Who needed that kind of complication? A relationship with him—not that he’d said he wanted one, just that he’d wanted to kiss her—would be something like her parents’. Exciting one moment, uncertain the next. Even as friends, that was how it’d been so far. Everly didn’t like roller coasters—figuratively or literally.
She’d open up to Stacey, sort through her feelings, get things down on paper, then they’d focus on her friend. It was time to make someone else’s dating life the priority. Two more dates, neither of them firsts, but Everly was ready to wave the white flag, pick Owen, and start living her life again.
* * *
Stacey wiped her mouth, finishing off the last California roll. “Rob asked me out.”
“Chris’s friend,” Everly said. A smile tugged at her lips, but she didn’t give in. Her friend deserved happily ever after as much as anyone. If she got all the feels with Rob, maybe he was the one. Everly wanted that almost more for her friend than she did for herself.
Stacey nodded. She was the most confident, outgoing, straightforward person Everly had ever met, yet she didn’t look at Everly’s face. She fidgeted—fidgeted—with the take-out container. The grin started in Everly’s chest, warming it and taking over her face, making her cheeks stretch. She bit her lip to keep from laughing with glee. When she had herself under control, she cleared her throat. Stacey still didn’t look up.
“My little girl is growing up,” Everly said with mock seriousness.
Stacey’s gaze jumped to hers and quickly turned to a scowl. “Not funny.”
“You like him. You always go out with men you like.”
Stacey nodded, stacking her empty container on top of Everly’s.
“Why are you so scared of getting into a relationship that might go somewhere?”
Donning a look Everly had seen only a few times—a false bravado—Stacey swung her hair over her shoulder. “Seems unfair to take myself off the market just for the possibility of something lasting.”
Leaning back in her chair across from Stacey, who cuddled into the couch, Everly crossed her arms over her chest. “All this time, we thought I was the one with relationship issues.”
Stacey arched her brows. “Dude. You so are.”
Laughter bubbled up. She nodded. “Truth. But so are you. Maybe everyone has their own demons around this sort of stuff.” She thought of her parents.
“Of course everyone does. But we’re not talking about them.”
Everly got up and went over to the couch, curling her knees under her as she sat next to Stacey. “You’re the bravest person I know. Rob seems like a good guy.”
“I agree. A good guy. Not a good-time guy.”
This clearly troubled her friend. “Have you ever been in a serious relationship?”
“A long time ago. It didn’t end well. I promised myself I would worry only about me. That I wouldn’t sew myself into something long term, because nothing lasts.”
“Now you sound like me.”
“I don’t want to hurt someone,” Stacey said, playing with an invisible thread on her pants.
“It’s the risk anyone who wants to find someone takes.”
Stacey looked at her through lowered lashes. “This contest has made you wise.”
Everly rolled her eyes. “It’s hard to take the risk. It makes me feel … almost normal that it’s hard, even for someone like you.”
Laying her head on Everly’s shoulder, Stacey sighed. “It’s all fun and games until someone falls in love, Evs. I like my fun.”
“Maybe it’s possible to have both. The fun and the love.”
“You think I should go out with him.”
Resting her cheek on Stacey’s head, she nodded against it.
“I will. If you tell me what’s up with you.”
“I think I’m falling for Chris.”
“Duh.”
Everly pinched Stacey’s arm.
Stacey jumped, laughing. “Ouch. Come on. You think I don’t see that? Or the way he’s crazy about you?”
“I don’t want complications.” Now, Everly focused on her own invisible thread. She didn’t want to feel vulnerable, capable of being hurt again. She had a feeling that she hadn’t known real hurt yet because she’d never felt anything like this before. If it was this … big before they started, it might kill her if they did get together and things ended.
“Life is full of them, Everly.” Stacey sat up.
“Sure. But sometimes you can choose which ones you let in.”
“You just told me to go for it.”
“I’m not you. Chris isn’t the one.”
“You sure?”
Everly nodded.
Stacey tipped her head to one side and held out a hand. “Let me see it.”
Resistance was pointless, so even though her cheeks went hot, Everly got up and grabbed her journal off the cabinet by the door. She flipped it open to the page she’d finished before Stacey arrived.
“Oh my.” Stacey stared at the list Everly had already memorized in an effort to stay strong and choose Owen. Hmm. I should make that into a shirt.
Reasons It Can’t Be Chris:
He’s my boss.
He’s becoming my friend—don’t want to lose that for something that might not last.
Sometimes I’m not even sure he’s into me.
He gives me butterflies. Even when we’re doing something mundane. That can’t be good for me even if it’s a happy kind of nervous.
He’s too observant.
I can’t come out of my shell with someone who won’t push me to do so.
He says he likes me, but he’s helping me find a guy.
He knows too much. Hello, condom piñata.
He’s been married. This shouldn’t matter, but it does. I want someone who will take this step only once. Forever.
I can’t shake the feeling there’s something he’s not saying.
Stacey looked up. “Ev.”
She shrugged. “They’re all good reasons.”
“Are they? You say I’m the brave one, the risk taker, but Ev, you’re amazing. You’ve done this whole contest thing with grace and dignity. People are turning to you for understanding. For hope.”
She scoffed. “That was one person.”
Stacey scooted closer. “That you responded to. There are way more DMs than that, and I know you were reading through them. The fact that you found the courage to respond, to recognize that you could help someone else, is huge.” Stacey took a deep breath, probably to keep from getting too fired up. It made Everly smile to know her friend was so willing to see the good.
Stacey nudged Everly’s shoulder. “We’re going to do the new segment. It’s going to help others. You did that. You didn’t just come out of your shell, you broke it down. Smashed it to pieces.”
Everly wanted to disregard the praise, but those were things she felt proud of. “I don’t want the highs and lows. I just want a middle-of-the-road, make-me-content, no-surprises, steady kind of love.”
Stacey gripped her hand. “Then you’re selling yourself short.”
Again, she shrugged, tired of the conversation, of thinking so much. Of feeling so much. “Maybe. But it’s safer.”
[33]
Everly pictured putting her phone down, walking away, coming back in, say, twenty minutes.
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“I’m telling you, Evie, that woman staring at another man’s junk is more than I can handle,” her dad ranted, pausing only to take a breath. At least he had survival skills. She wouldn’t want him to pass out from talking too much.
“Sort of like my hard limit is you saying the word junk, Dad. I have to go.” She didn’t really, but she was so tired, she couldn’t even feel guilt. Setting the phone to speaker, she set her dad on the counter, grabbed a bagel, popping it in the toaster.
“How did you get to be such an uptight prude, sweetie?” Laughter tinted his tone.
“Steady diet of parents who overshare, provide condoms, paint nudes, and discuss said nudes.”
Her dad’s chuckle made her smile. “You’re a good girl. How’s the dating going?”
“Almost done. Actually, the listener voting results should be in.” She grabbed her phone, pulling up the station’s website.
Yup. The votes were in. Owen won by a landslide. Everly smiled. He was her choice, too. The fact that thousands of Californians agreed with her boosted her confidence. She could pick a good guy with long-term potential.
“It’s Owen,” she said out loud, forgetting about her dad for a minute.
“Owen. He was the first one, right?”
Everly nodded, remembering he couldn’t see her. “Yes.”
“Who’s your choice?”
Chris. “Owen,” she said somewhat forcefully.
“That’s my girl. Sounds like you’re smitten.”
Her bagel popped just as her doorbell buzzed. “I have to go.”
“Love you, Evie.”
“Love you, too, Dad. Forgive Mom. Move on.”
“Give me marital advice when you make it six months in a relationship, baby girl.”
“Touché.”
Everly disconnected and left her bagel, going to the door. She pressed the button for the intercom. “Hello?”
“It’s Chris.”
Her heart grew wings and freaking fluttered. Everly looked down at her chest. Stupid heart. What is wrong with you?
“Jansen,” he added. She heard the smile in his voice. If she were making a list of reasons why it should be him, his smile would go at the top.
She pressed the release button and unlocked her door so he could let himself in. Going back to her bagel, she spread cream cheese like it was the most important and engaging task on earth, her breath hitching when he knocked once and let himself in.
“Everly?” The door closed.
“In the kitchen. Want a bagel?” Smooth line. Dating queen, indeed.
“I’m good, thanks.”
When she turned from putting away the cream cheese, he was standing there in the small opening between her kitchen and dining area. Dressed casually in jeans and a waffle-knit T-shirt, he looked … well, he looked really damn good.
She picked up her plate and stared at him. He could fill the silence.
“Don’t let me keep you from your nutritious dinner,” he said, nodding to the plate.
She wasn’t hungry anymore. “Why are you here?”
“Why did it bother you so much that I was married?”
Shock struck her like a pedal against a drum. “It didn’t.” She walked past him, brushing his arm as she went to the couch. He followed after her.
“You froze up. You left.”
“I don’t like to socialize. I’ve done more than enough of it lately. I wanted to go home.” She curled into the corner and stared down at her bagel.
“I know I’m your boss, Everly. We can come back to that later, but I can’t stop thinking about how you pulled away when you found out.”
She looked up, her chest constricting from the seriousness of his gaze. “What difference does it make? Why are you doing this? The listeners just voted. Owen is their pick. He’s mine, too, so maybe it’s good you’re here. I want to forget about the second date. Just name Owen the winner … bachelor … whatever.”
He stared at her hard enough to make her focus on her bagel. “Why did it bug you so much?”
She sighed, met his gaze again, unable to hide her frustration. Why the hell was he pushing her on this? “I apologize for overreacting. I’m just in a funny place with all the dates, my parents arguing, and this … whatever it is that happened between us. I thought we were getting closer. Becoming friends. Finding out that way was a shock. It threw me off, but it shouldn’t. Your past is none of my business. We’re just friends.”
What she felt for him was bigger than anything she could imagine feeling for Owen, and that scared the hell out of her. Overblown, uncontrollable feelings led to terrifying hobbies. Everly just wanted quiet. Right. Quiet, safe, comfortable.
He tunneled both hands into his hair and sighed, pacing in front of her coffee table. “I know that. I told myself that. Along with a hell of a lot of other things.”
Chris sat down on the other end of the couch. At least he was able to read her need for space. “We were twenty-one. There was a group of us, all good friends. We took a road trip. I was mad at my father, who is … Let’s just say he’s somewhat controlling. Her dad worked for my dad, and that pissed my dad off. It just happened. We thought it would make us truly feel like adults, but we were wrong. A few months later, we decided to call it quits and stay friends. She’s remarried and has three kids.”
They’d acted on impulse—on feelings. Her parents’ marriage was built on the same shaky foundation. Everly wanted a base of titanium and concrete. She closed her eyes, gathered her strength, and looked up at him. Why was he telling her this? She didn’t want to know about his ex-wife. God, why did that gut her to think about it? She put her plate on the table. “This is none of my business.”
He shuffled over and took her hand. “I disagree. We were getting to know each other. I’m not hiding from you. I want to know more about you because there’s something here, Everly. This isn’t typical for me. I don’t get tingles just holding a woman’s hand. Except for with you. Work complicates it, and I know you’re finishing up the dating, but be honest with me, with yourself: Tell me you don’t feel something back.”
She felt more intimacy with just the touch of his hand than she ever had with any other man. But she couldn’t just jump. It didn’t work like that. She had a list. She had reasons. Good ones. He was a roller coaster, and she wanted the teacups—a ride that threw her off balance but was easy to recover from. Acting on chemistry had led her down the wrong path many times. Attraction fizzled. Sure, this ache she felt in her chest for him and these feelings were different from anything she’d known. That just made her trust herself less.
“What if it didn’t work?” The whispered question surprised her. She hadn’t meant to ask.
Chris stroked a finger over her palm, making it hard to focus. He stopped, looked up. “What?”
She pulled her hand back, clasped both together, and put them in her lap. “What if we try, and it messes everything up? I mean, sure, you stayed friends with your ex-wife.” She took a deep breath, hating how much she disliked the whole friends-with-the-ex thing. “We work together. I don’t have that many friends. If it doesn’t work, I could be out of a job. Down a friend.”
“Jesus. These two situations are nothing like each other. I’m a thirty-one-year-old man who is a hell of a lot surer of my feelings than I was as a kid. My marriage has nothing to do with how I feel about you. It was a mistake. On both our parts. Why do we have to go into anything thinking about it not working out?”
“Because things don’t. Things happen. Life is hard. Marriage is hard. How do you know that if you got married now, you’d do anything differently? What if you got married and it wasn’t working out?”
His face contorted with exasperation. “I … I don’t know. Are you asking me if I believe in divorce? Yes. I do. There’s a reason my mother didn’t stay with my father. She’s happier without him. Should she have lived in misery her whole life just because she made some promises?”
Some promises. “Those
promises mean something,” she whispered. Why did people make them if they couldn’t keep them?
“They did. But people change. God, look at your own parents. They can’t decide one way or the other. Tell me you don’t wish they’d get a divorce—just be done with all the back-and-forth?”
Her heart muscles tightened. Everly breathed through her nose. “Actually, I wish they’d stop looking at being apart as an option. I wish they’d stick by the promises they made. There shouldn’t be an out.”
He sprang up from the couch, startling her. “So, you think if two people are wrong for each other, they should stay together?”
She stared, hard, at her plate. The cream cheese was melted now, and the bagel looked soggy. “No. I just think they shouldn’t get married if they aren’t in it for good.”
“Sometimes people don’t know where life will lead them, Everly. You can’t be that naïve. There’s no way. Why does this even matter? If I were still married, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”
The muscles wouldn’t loosen, and it felt like her heartstrings were looping themselves around her ribs, pulling corset-tight. “We shouldn’t be, anyway.”
“Fine. You want to pretend you feel nothing, fine. That’s great. Let’s do that.”
Tears pressed. “Okay.”
“Seriously?”
She stood up, irritation and sadness pulling her in opposite directions. She stalked closer. “Yes. Seriously. Why mess things up? I care about you. We’re friends. Looking for more is a risk I don’t want to take. Especially with someone who has no staying power.”
“Excuse me?”
She stepped closer, her vision tunneling a little. “You heard me. What do you want? You want to date me? Sleep together? Hook up? You clearly don’t believe in putting your all into a relationship, working it out no matter what.” She knew she was being unfair, possibly even taking a bit of her anger at her parents out on him. Even knowing, she couldn’t stop herself. Self-sabotage. So much easier in the long run.
His face lowered so they were almost nose to nose. The scent of his cologne along with the heat of his body, the heat in his eyes, messed with her head.
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