Ten Rules for Faking It

by Sophie Sullivan

  Her mom nodded, a tiny smile curving her lips. “You were right. We can’t keep doing this. I’ll admit, without giving you any unnecessary details, that there’s a certain … rush to the getting back together. And maybe even the splitting up. But it’s not healthy. We want to be married. We love each other, but that doesn’t mean things are easy.”

  She could easily imagine how love was anything but easy. It was messy and complicated, and there was no list in the world that could simplify it because how could you simplify something that was based on emotion? On feeling?

  “I’m glad, Mom. I’m rooting for you guys.”

  “Me, too, honey. You really can’t ever be sure, you know? But not being willing to take the risk because you’re scared of the outcome isn’t really living.”

  Everly thought about that, squeezing the cat toy in her right hand.

  “Can I just say one more thing?” Her mom turned to her, brushed a hand down Everly’s hair.

  “Sure.”

  “Even if it doesn’t end up perfectly, there will be so many moments of happiness and joy that it’ll offset the imperfections. Just because it’s hard doesn’t mean it’s not worth it.”

  Everly nodded, unzipped her purse, and put the squishy cat inside. She squared her shoulders and smiled. “I’m ready.”

  “Good. I was thinking you should get two.”

  Everly stopped in her tracks. “I just wrapped my head around one.”

  Her mother nodded like she understood completely. “But one is so lonely. They need a partner. Someone to play with. Fight with. Someone to love.”

  It amazed her that at thirty years old, her mother could still teach her something.

  “You’re absolutely right.” Everly looked up at the shelter sign and nodded. “Two kittens it is.”

  [40]

  What people failed to mention when they got kittens was the kittens were nocturnal monsters who took pleasure in bouncing around like furry pogo sticks. What was she thinking getting kittens when she had a full-time job? Mac and Wallace kept her up most of the night. Which is fine because you weren’t sleeping, anyway. In between pulling the kittens off her curtains and each other, she’d thought about Chris and her parents and her lists and her life. She didn’t know when he was coming back or if he was staying, but she knew she wasn’t over him. She thought of texting him but couldn’t make herself do it. Because what if … She hated what-ifs.

  A nervous restlessness kept her from entering the building. She knew he was back. Stacey texted a He’s Back! gif. Pressing her back to the concrete building, she focused on watching Stacey walk toward the station instead of on the mounting tension spiraling inside of her brain.

  “You good?” Stacey asked.

  “I’m a coward.”

  Stacey’s eyes narrowed. “I ain’t friends with no coward.”

  Everly laughed. “Stop. I’m serious.”

  Stacey leaned beside her, looked down at Everly’s phone, where she’d brought up the post she’d never posted. “What’s that?”

  Everly turned her head. “The truth. I didn’t post it because I was scared. If I see him and he doesn’t feel the way I do, I’ll never share it.”

  “Okay. If you share it, regardless of how he feels, are you going to second-guess yourself eight million times?”

  Everly nodded.

  Stacey laughed. “At least you’re honest.”

  “Is it a now-or-never thing?” Stacey’s voice was gentle.

  All of the things she’d pushed herself to do should make her proud. She was proud. It wasn’t everything, though. She could post it after she saw him, after she knew how he felt. After she knew if he’d still choose her. That was the safe thing to do. She had the tiniest inkling of what her parents must feel every time they thought of starting or stopping. Love wasn’t safe. It was a jump off a high-dive platform into unknown waters. For them, they trusted each other to eventually be wading around, ready to rescue them if they sank. She now understood the safety factor in that. For them.

  Everly couldn’t guarantee Chris’s feelings, but the least she could do was acknowledge her own. It wasn’t brave if she wasn’t scared. It wasn’t a risk if she knew all the answers.

  She pressed Post on the words that had been sitting there, unseen by the world, unsaid by her. Stacey sucked in a breath when the post went live on the station’s Facebook page.

  Everly’s heart hammered out of control.

  Stacey gave a loud whoop, shoving her friend in her enthusiasm. “I take it back. You’re totally Black Widow.”

  Laughter bubbled up over all the doubt. When Stacey yanked her into a hug, Everly forced herself to put it aside. She had no idea what they were in for, but she’d been brave. She’d taken a chance. He didn’t know it yet. But he would.

  The energy in the building was immediately tangible when they walked into the station. Walking to the break room, Everly focused on breathing. Breathing was good. She could do this.

  Stacey grabbed a coffee. “Did you read the email this morning?”

  Everly gripped the countertop. What had she done? It was out there for all the world to see. Her heart wasn’t on her sleeve—it was on the internet! Breathe. “No. What email?”

  “We’ve been bought out by some company called SCI. They’re sending someone in to meet the staff, but Mari is the new station manager, and they’re hiring another remote deejay. Mason is taking our spot because it’s easier to manage on his own. He’s not getting another producer. Evs. You and I are getting the morning spot.”

  Everly’s eyes widened, and her heart rate galloped. Had Stacey known all of this and let her post, anyway? She gaped at her friend, her knuckles going white. Breathe. You did the right thing. You didn’t do it for him. You did it for you. Focus on the good. Goddamn it, Everly. Focus on the good. “That’s … fantastic.” It was. It was fantastic. Wonderful. Why couldn’t she breathe? Her chest was too tight. Women were more likely to have heart attacks, and they didn’t always present like people thought. Was her back sore, or was she imagining it? That could be a sign.

  “Hey,” Stacey said, pulling her hand off the counter and gripping it. “It’s okay.”

  “He’s really not staying,” she whispered.

  “Oh.” Stacey put her arm around Everly’s shoulder. “Oh, Ev.”

  She clenched her jaw and breathed deeply through her nose. Stacey looked at her. “Talk to him.”

  Everly nodded. “After.” She’d waited this long.

  Stacey grabbed her hand and pulled her toward the door. Everly took one more deep breath, but it got caught in her throat when they walked into the hallway and Chris was standing right there.

  “I’ll make sure everyone is in the room,” Stacey said way too loudly. She squeezed Everly’s hand on her way by.

  Chris stood in front of her, quite close, actually, staring at her like she might not be real. His gaze swept her body, head to toe and back again, and Everly shivered.

  “Hi,” he said. One syllable had her heart racing but her breathing evened out.

  “Hi.”

  He smiled, just one side of his lips hitching up. “It’s good to see you.”

  She wanted to launch herself at him, but he gestured for her to go first, to go ahead of him. She felt him at her back and had to physically stop herself from turning and crashing into him. From wrapping her arms around him and telling him she didn’t care about any of the other stuff. That she wanted him. That she chose him. And would every time.

  Chris stood at the front of the room looking at his entire staff, a soft smile playing on his lips.

  “Hell of a week. Thank you for meeting with me again. First things first, Mari, congratulations on your appointment to station manager.”

  Everyone clapped, and Mari looked nervously excited. “Thank you.” She looked at Chris, a subtle shade of pink coloring her cheeks. “Sorry about … you know, you not being station manager anymore.”

  Chris laughed. Instead of his typ
ical suit and tie, he wore a pair of jeans and a light sweater. He looked delicious. His gaze caught Everly’s, and he winked at her, sending a tremor through her veins. Stacey arched and then waggled her eyebrows.

  “I’m good with how things are. Trust me. Managing this station was never what I wanted,” he said, looking at Everly. She held his gaze even though she could feel the sweat beading at the back of her neck.

  “I came here because it was one more step toward where I wanted to end up—or where I’d thought I wanted to end up. Broadcasting isn’t my thing. I let my dad bounce me around because I didn’t really know what I was looking for.” He rubbed a hand over his face, then walked closer, putting his hands on the back of the leather chair in front of him. His gaze never wavered. Everly knew people noticed. How could they not? But she never broke eye contact.

  “Turns out, what I wanted couldn’t be reached through any of my dad’s demands. As you know, the station has been sold. The paperwork is finalized. It was a quick sale. My father was eager to unload as one final way to show me he was in charge.”

  Why was he still smiling? His father sounded like a jerk.

  “We’re sorry to lose you, Chris. We really are a family here, and you’re part of that, man.” Mason leaned his forearms on the table.

  “That makes me happy. Thank you.”

  “Do you know who bought us? How can you be sure they’ll keep the station and not just…?” Jane asked, her voice tense. Her eyes darted to the table and then back up. “How do you know they won’t just dissolve the company?”

  Chris sat down in the chair, looked around the table. “Like he did to the other company? I know how to hedge my bets. I’m confident the station will do nothing but thrive going forward.”

  “Do you know who SCI is?”

  Chris folded his hands in front of him and looked at Jane. “Those letters I asked you to bring in? Can you pass them out now, please?”

  Jane stood up and went to the side table, grabbed a box, and began handing out orange manila envelopes to each of them. Their names were written across the front.

  “If you could just wait a moment before opening those, I’ll explain.” Chris smiled at Jane. “Thank you. SCI stands for Squishy Cat Industries,” he said, his gaze zeroing in on Everly. She sucked in a sharp breath, held it. “My brothers and I have formed our own company. Under that umbrella will be the station, the cyber security and digital software companies that are still connected to us, and a very small-scale advertising firm that, under our guidance, will be run by our friend Mr. Lee, who I’m sure you all remember. While my oldest brother, Wes, is staying in New York, Noah is moving here, and I’ll help him run his real estate development company. See, what I realized when I came here is that I don’t have an interest in a specific business but business in general. I like figuring out how to take small companies and make them stronger so they have the ability to last.”

  He paused, and Everly felt like they were the only two people in the room. “I like seeing what makes them work and what doesn’t and figuring out a way to bring them back to life. That’s what I’ll do. For lack of a better term, I’m a consultant who owns one-third of SCI. I’m not your station manager, but I am still your boss. As such, you each have a new contract in front of you. Review it and let me know if you have questions or issues with what’s there.”

  Everly looked around the table. They all shared expressions of awe and surprise and … relief. She looked back at Chris.

  “There are some policy changes, some updates, salary increases. We’ve been able to save some money in a variety of areas, and the station is currently doing better than ever financially.”

  “What sort of policy changes?” Stacey asked, playing with the opening of the envelope. “I’m not wearing a uniform.”

  Chris laughed. “There are a few outdated policies—like no fraternizing with employees. Odd word, fraternizing. It can mean a lot of things. Since it was so vague, we took it out. Because if you care about someone, nothing should stop you from sharing it. Which means…”

  Everly’s breath hitched, and Chris’s lips hitched up.

  “Despite all measures being firmly in place to prevent any workplace harassment, say you accidentally fall for someone you work with, we won’t stop you from pursuing your happiness. Mari and Mason, you can quit hiding your relationship,” Chris said, smirking in their direction. “Wes is a master hacker. He found several emails. No one is losing their job over falling in love as long as you show up for work and do your job.”

  Everly’s breath whooshed out of her lungs. Mari and Mason looked at each other, and the smiles on both of their faces added to the energy of the room.

  Stacey pointed. “I knew it!”

  Mason laughed, moving closer to Mari. “Hard to hide it when you care so much for someone.”

  He’s right about that.

  “Now. I know I’ve dropped a lot on you guys, but if you could give me the room for a few minutes, you can take some time to look over your contracts, hopefully sign them, and return them to Mari when you’re done.”

  Everyone stood up, so Everly didn’t know what to do. Mason and Mari shook Chris’s hand. The other deejays and producers did the same, but Stacey and Jane both hugged Chris. Everly stood, watching everyone file out the door.

  “Ms. Dean? If you could stay behind?”

  He walked over as Stacey closed the door behind her, leaving them alone. Everly clutched the envelope in her hand, doing her best not to scrunch it up in her fists.

  “Your envelope is a little different. I’d hoped you could open it up in front of me.”

  “Now?” Her voice came out as a squeak.

  “I thought of a grand gesture, maybe throwing up my list on the big screen so there were no doubts, but I didn’t think you’d want that.”

  Her heart fluttered so hard she lost her breath. Grand gestures were good things, right? He stepped closer, reaching out to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. “I changed my mind, though. I wanted you alone for this. Just you and me.”

  She had so much she wanted to say. She leaned into his touch and closed her eyes, and her chest expanded. She could breathe.

  “Open it,” he whispered.

  She carefully pulled the glued flap open, too aware of how close he stood, how much she had to tell him, how much she wanted him, how good he smelled. Her fingers shook. She pulled a single piece of paper from the envelope.

  She read the title, tears immediately filling her eyes. Ten Reasons It Will Only Ever Be You. Her eyes scanned the list, and her heart moved into her throat. She looked up at him through lowered lashes.

  He rubbed one thumb over her cheek, causing the tear to fall but catching it. The paper shook in her hands. He brought his other hand to her cheek and did the same thing with his thumb, then leaned in and kissed the spots where the tears had been. He pressed his forehead to hers and closed his eyes as if he were breathing her in, absorbing her into himself.

  When he opened his eyes, they locked on Everly’s. This close, with their noses touching, he was a little blurry, but he was here and he was real, and she wanted this enough to ignore the fear.

  “I love you,” he whispered.

  The paper crumpled in her hand. She jumped back and smoothed it. She hadn’t even had a chance to read it thoroughly, but already knew she’d want to save it forever.

  Her breath shook as happiness swamped her. “I said it first!”

  He laughed. “I’m pretty sure I’d remember if you did.”

  She shook her head, tears blurring her vision. Setting the paper down carefully, she pulled up Facebook on her phone, shoved the screen in his face, her fingers gripping the edges.

  She watched his eyes scan over the words she’d gone to sleep with every night in her head since she wrote them.

  I lied to you guys. I told you that I didn’t find love, that I was okay with that and appreciated you, anyway. The truth is, I did find love in the least expected place but still b
ecause of all of you. I’ve never printed these words down before, but I have severe social anxiety. So much so that I will likely never publish these sentences, but if I do, I’ll struggle with the fact that I did. The day I announced my misfortune on the air was a turning point for me. It showed me so many things about our listeners, the world, and mostly, myself. I’m brave when I need to be. I don’t need to change who I am to feel good about myself, but I do need to push myself to be better. To be more. Because otherwise, I’m just standing still. I didn’t fall in love with the bachelors you chose not because they weren’t great guys. No, the reason it didn’t work is because my heart recognized the one even before I was ready to see it. I wouldn’t have been able to see it without all of you having my back, showing me it’s okay to get knocked down as long as you get back up. It’s okay to fall in love while being scared to death. I am. I’m scared that he won’t choose me. That I’ll be too high maintenance or I’ll mess it up. Those things might happen, but it won’t change the fact that I love him. That he’s who I choose. Chris, I choose you. I always will.

  His eyes blazed bright when he took the phone from her hand, set it on the paper. Taking her hand, he yanked her close. “You are the most amazing woman I’ve ever met in my life. You humble me. From the minute I met you, something inside me shifted. I didn’t know what it was at first, but now I know it was my path. What I wanted out of life. I like business. I have enough money not to work, but I always will because it’s a challenge and a puzzle and I enjoy that. But when I met you, I realized there was more to life. I fought it because … well, because I had a plan. My own list, if you will.” He smirked, and she laughed, locking her arms around his waist. “I’m sorry I withheld so much. The only way I can explain it is I didn’t want to be judged by who my father is. I’ve spent my life trying to be nothing and everything like him all at once.”

  She reached up, stroked his cheek, loving the feel of his skin under her fingers. “I understand.”

  His brows drew together. “You do?”

  She nodded. “I always worry that if I open up too much, all people will see is the anxiety. It consumes me sometimes, worrying about that. But I’ve recently learned that even when people see it clearly, it doesn’t always push them away. Not the ones who matter, anyway.”