HeartLess

by Love, Kristy

  “There’s a local band holding auditions in a few months for opening acts. They wanted to pick someone else local.”

  “Really?” Hazel’s voice dripped with disbelief. What this guy said sounded too good to be true and none of us were buying it.

  “Yeah. Indecision. I’m not sure if you’ve heard of them. I work for the same agency as their manager. I’ve been coming to The Philly looking for a band I thought could fill the opening spot. I’ve seen bands with potential, but nobody even close to you guys. You have it all.” He motioned to his card. “Call me if you’re interested. They need to secure an act in the next few months, so make up your mind soon.” He tipped his head in goodbye and left.

  We stood there in shock.

  “Did that just happen?” Peyton asked, breaking the silence.

  “Yeah, I think it did.” Hazel looked down at the card in her hand.

  “Do you think we should call?” Nash asked Felix.

  Felix shrugged and went back to loading stuff in the van. “I say we talk to our parents and see what they say. We can also talk to Bianca’s mom. She’s a lawyer. She can keep us from getting scammed.”

  “Yeah,” Nash said. We all went back to work, silently. I was thinking about Marvin and what he had to say. I hoped it wasn’t a scam, for Nash and Felix’s sake. But who could say for sure? Marvin’s words seemed to hang around us in a thick cloud.

  “Is anyone else hungry?” Hazel asked when she closed the back of the van.

  “I’m starving,” Felix said.

  “Let’s go get some burgers.” Hazel went to the front of the van and climbed in. We all followed, Nash sitting in the front seat with her.

  “And milkshakes,” Nash chimed in.

  “Drinks on me!” Felix exclaimed.

  “Dumbass, you don’t have any money,” Nash quipped.

  “Shhh. I’m gonna suck up to beautiful Bianca and hope she’ll cover us all.” Felix slid closer to me on the bench seat and wrapped his arm around my shoulders. I shoved him and laughed. “You wound me, Bianca.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Let’s go for burgers and shakes,” I said. Hazel pulled away from the venue and took us to a local place promising good food. As we sat, Felix and Nash buzzed about the show. They couldn’t stop talking about it, even talking over each other in their excitement. They tried to talked about what Marvin had said, but it didn’t feel right to talk about it. It felt like any mention of it would jinx it, make the opportunity evaporate like vapor. Instead, we wanted to enjoy the high from the show and each other’s company.

  * * *

  I walked through the house with a red Solo cup in my hand. Beer sloshed around the inside as I tried to navigate the writhing bodies. Peyton held onto my arm and giggled uncontrollably at something. Probably the girl up on the table swinging her shirt around her head. We were at Ben’s house for another party, though the guys weren’t performing at this one. Instead, we were all here to hang out and have fun. Unfortunately, Felix had become enamored with the sound system, and the playlist piped through the laptop in the living room. Nash had gotten here and disappeared to who knew where.

  I needed some fresh air. The warm bodies, heavy air, and beer felt suffocating. Once outside, I leaned against the railing and looked out over the backyard. It was the beginning of November and the weather was warm. Well, at least warm for Pittsburgh. There were some people down in the hot tub, each with a cup in their hand.

  “This party is fun,” Peyton hiccupped and took a long drink from her cup.

  “Yeah. There are more people here than I thought there’d be.” I’d had two cups of lukewarm beer, and my head was feeling light and spinning. I wasn’t drunk, but I was definitely feeling tipsy.

  “Can you imagine being in the hot tub tonight?” She shivered. I couldn’t imagine getting out of the nice warm water and into the chilly air.

  “I wonder what they’re even wearing,” I mused. As if to answer my question, one of the girls got out of the water, her black lacy bra clinging to her skin. She squealed that it was cold.

  “Underwear,” Peyton giggled. “They’re wearing underwear.” She threw her head back and laughed like it was the funniest thing she’d ever seen in her entire life. I chuckled too, though I secretly wished I had the courage to be like that.

  “Nash!” a girl’s scream cut through the air. My eyes shot to the guy climbing out of the hot tub, now recognizing Nash’s body. He wrapped his arms around a girl as she squirmed in an attempt to break his grip. “Don’t you dare!” He threw her in the pool, which was surely freezing. A chill ran through me at the thought of being in that pool right now. Nash jumped in after her, their laughter ringing out through the air. When they climbed from the pool and stood dripping on the side, he held her close, whispering in her ear. Even though I was wrapped in a jacket and completely dry, ice formed in my veins. A stab of betrayal hit me. Hurt spiraled through me like a tornado.

  “I guess we found Nash,” Peyton grumbled. I wanted to look away from him, but I couldn’t. Water dripped down his skin, leaving puddles on the ground around his feet.

  When Nash’s lips met the girl’s, I finally tore my eyes away. My body jolted like I’d been gutted.

  Snickers and yells came from the hot tub, but I kept my eyes averted, staring at the cup in my hand. The beer had turned sour in my stomach, and the slightly dizzy feeling was gone, replaced by pounding at my temples. I’d hoped after the dance that things would change between us, that maybe he’d see me as more than his best friend. Clearly, that was a delusional train of thought.

  “Get a room!” a guy from the hot tub yelled. Unwillingly, I looked back at Nash and the girl as she pulled him inside. Another knife joined the one already sticking out of my chest.

  “No sulking,” Peyton said, dragging me behind her. “Let’s go.”

  “I’m not sulking.”

  “I saw the look on your face.” She leveled me with a look. I wanted more than anything at that moment to turn my feelings off, to not want Nash so bad my bones ached.

  “I’m fine.”

  “You can lie to yourself, but you can’t lie to me.”

  Inside, she handed me another cup of beer, only slightly cooler than the warm one I’d just discarded, and we made our way to Felix. He had a cord hooked up to his phone, completely taking over the music. Peyton shoved me into a chair before collapsing into it beside me. “If you don’t want him to hook up with other girls, you need to say something to him.”

  “There’s nothing to say,” I said, sipping my beer and trying not to cringe. Why did people like this so much? It tasted like earwax. “I have no reason to stop him.”

  “Bianca.” Peyton raised her eyebrow, challenging me.

  “What? I don’t have anything to say to him.”

  She groaned, running a hand over her face. “You need to get out of your own damn way and say something. He’s not a mind reader.”

  “I’m not saying anything.” I slammed the cup down on the table next to me, droplets of beer sloshing along the surface. “Drop it. Please.”

  Peyton held her hands up in surrender. “Okay, okay. I’m dropping it.”

  “Good.”

  She got up and went to talk to another friend of hers, leaving me alone to wallow in my self-pity. The party swirled around me. I felt like they were all moving in fast motion while I was in the chair, going in reverse. I wondered what Nash and the girl were doing. I wondered if he thought of me at all the way I thought of him. A few times he made me think he wanted me, but then he’d be right back to flirting with other girls.

  I sighed, watching Peyton dancing with Zach. She’d been flirting with him for a month now. I was sure they were going to go out sooner rather than later. I envied her ability to approach a guy and flirt with him. I couldn’t imagine being that relaxed and confident.

  An hour later, I was still sulking in the chair, holding an almost-empty cup of beer. It was warm and even more disgusting than it had been before, though I
had a slight buzz going. I was ready to go home, but I was stuck here until Peyton was ready to go. She was currently kissing Zach and giggling at something he was saying.

  Nash came into the room, holding hands with Stacy, the girl he’d disappeared inside with. I wanted to scratch her eyes out and punch him in the balls. She was in one of my classes. We weren’t friends, but I knew who she was.

  “Hey, Bee. What’s up?” he asked me when he flopped onto the couch beside me. Stacy perched herself in his lap. A twinge of jealousy vibrated through me. I averted my eyes, looking at anything but the two of them.

  “Nothing. Just waiting for Peyt to be ready to leave.”

  “I don’t think that’s going to happen any time soon.” He chuckled, running his hand down Stacy’s arm. I wanted to rip his arm off and beat him with it.

  “Probably not.” I tried to sound flippant while my heart was being crushed in my chest.

  “You know Stacy, right?” he asked, his hand curving around her hip.

  “Yep.” I forced a smile. Stacy was in my biology class. I didn’t know her very well, but she seemed nice enough, which pissed me off even more. I wanted her to be a bitch, so I had even more reason to hate her.

  “This is my best friend, Bianca.” Nash gestured to me. The word friend sent another pang of pain through me. How many times would he hurt me tonight?

  “Hey. We have science together, right?” Stacy asked, cocking her head to the side and studying me.

  “Yep.” I was the master of conversation clearly.

  “Stacy just asked me to go to winter formal with her,” Nash said nonchalantly as if the words leaving his mouth didn’t cut my belly open and leave my guts all over the floor. I fought the urge to wince, and my hand flew to my stomach, trying to contain the damage there.

  “Yeah?” My eyes stung, tears threatening.

  “And he agreed!” Stacy exclaimed, wrapping her arms around Nash and kissing his cheek.

  “He did?” I tried to keep the words even and unaffected, but anger and jealousy dripped from them. My nose itched with the need to cry.

  “Yeah.” He pulled her closer to him, nuzzling into the side of her neck.

  “That’s really cool. I’m happy for you.” I forced another smile and prayed it didn’t betray how torn up I felt inside.

  Had he forgotten asking me to winter formal? Or was I his backup plan in case he couldn’t find someone better to go with? I felt completely flayed open, exposed and aching. Nash started to say something else, but I ignored him, getting up and heading toward Peyton. Even if she didn’t want to leave, I would. It was a fifteen-minute walk home, and I couldn’t stay here anymore.

  “Hey, Peyt. Are you ready to go or do you wanna stay longer?” I asked, my voice wavering with the tears I pushed away.

  Her eyes surveyed me. “I was going to stay, but if you need me to leave, I’ll go.”

  “No, it’s okay. I didn’t want to disappear on you.” I smiled at her and Zach, though it was forced, and I felt like my face was going to crack at any moment and pour out the pain and ugliness brewing inside of me. “Have a good time.”

  I turned on my heel and beelined for the door. I was successful in keeping my eyes from straying to Nash and Stacy. I don’t know if he even noticed that I left, and I desperately wanted to not care.

  I was halfway down the driveway when footsteps pounded behind me, and Nash grabbed my elbow, spinning me around to face him. “Are you walking home?” His hand cradled my elbow, and I yanked my arm out of his hold, scowling at him.

  “Yes.” I turned on my heel and continued walking. I didn’t want to talk to him. I wasn’t sure I could without slapping him across his pretty face.

  He jogged and stopped in front of me, effectively stopping my retreat. “It’s late and dark. That’s not exactly safe.” He crossed his arms, either warding off the chill in the air or to keep from touching me.

  “I’ll be fine. It’s only a couple minutes down the road, and then I’ll cut through the woods.” In truth, I had to walk for about ten minutes before I got to Nash’s house, then I could cut through the woods. I was hoping he wouldn’t realize that. I wasn’t staying at this party for him to continue to chew me up and spit me out like gruel.

  “I can’t let you walk home alone, Bee.”

  Anger tore through me. He couldn’t let me? “Excuse me?” I moved closer, poking him with my finger. “You can’t let me? What am I? Your property?”

  He stepped closer to me. “You know I don’t mean it like that.”

  I backed up, keeping a safe distance between us. “I have no idea what you mean.” I hugged myself, hoping I could hold it together long enough to shake him loose.

  “I mean it’s dark, it’s late, and it’s not safe for you to walk home alone.” He moved closer, prompting me to move farther away. We were orbiting each other like opposing magnets, repelling each other instead of pulling together the way we normally did. “Plus, you’ve been drinking. It’s a recipe for disaster.”

  “I can take care of myself,” I huffed.

  He sighed, running a hand through his hair as if I was trying every ounce of his patience. “I know you can. I’m only saying it’s not safe to walk home.”

  “You’re not my keeper, Nathan.”

  He flinched like I struck him. I never called him Nathan unless I was upset with him. No one called him Nathan. His sister couldn’t say his name when he was born, instead saying Nash. The name stuck with him, all these years later. “What’s really going on?”

  “Nothing. I just want to go home.” I tried to walk around him, but he held his hand out, stopping me.

  “No, something is going on. I introduced you to Stacy, and you flew out of there like I just set you on fire.” His eyes pleaded with me. “Please, Bee. Talk to me.”

  I rolled my eyes, trying to act like it was nothing. “I’m ready to go home.”

  “Bee…” His voice trailed off, and he reached out to me. “Are you…” He looked up at me as if he wasn’t sure about what he was going to say. “Are you jealous?”

  Emotions hit me like a Mac truck. Fear, anger, embarrassment, and, of course, jealousy. “Jealous of what?” I snarled.

  “Of me going to the dance with Stacy.”

  “No, I’m pissed off.”

  His brows furrowed as he studied me. “Pissed off?”

  “Don’t you remember asking me to the dance? Right after Homecoming? After spending all night with me, dancing with me?” Tying me in knots and tempting me to kiss you, I wanted to add, but I didn’t.

  Realization dawned on him, his eyes widening and his jaw unclenching. “Shit…”

  “Beautiful. You forgot? Seriously, Nash?” I bit out a bitter laugh, a fresh round of tears swimming in my eyes. “I’m not just some girl. I’m supposed to be your best friend, and you blew me off. You forgot about me.” A lump formed in my throat that made it hard to swallow. Hell, it felt like it was cutting off my airflow.

  “I didn’t forget, necessarily.” He rubbed the back of his neck, his cheeks flushing. “When she asked, uh, I wasn’t exactly thinking clearly.” He came closer, reaching for me. I moved away from him, crossing my arms, narrowing my eyes, not quite understanding what he was saying. When he realized I didn’t get his meaning, he squeezed his eyes shut before speaking again. “Her hand was…doing things to me…down my pants,” he choked out the words like they were painful to utter.

  Horror, embarrassment, and, unfortunately, jealousy crashed over me. My own cheeks heated as my eyes widened. “You forgot about me because you were getting a hand job?”

  Nash’s lips pressed together, and his eyes shone like he was holding back a laugh. “I wouldn’t say I forgot, Bee. I was otherwise occupied. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

  “You did forget though. You agreed to go with some other girl.” I was a whirlwind of hurt. My body trembled with the ache filling me.

  “That’s not fair.”

  “No, what’s not fa
ir is you treating me like second best. I matter, Nash. I deserve to go to the dance with someone who wants to go with me.” He opened his mouth like he was going to say something, but I held up my hand, cutting him off. “So, what? You played at The Philly, and now you’re too good for me? You have some talent agent interested in you and what? I’m just chopped liver? Am I really that replaceable?” Every word hit its intended target as he took a few steps back like I’d hit him. “I guess I was good enough to keep around when you needed something, but now I’m trash, right?” I got up in his face, our noses practically touching. “Fuck. You. Nash.” I strode around him and quickly down the driveway, waiting for him to stop me. To apologize. To offer to cancel with Stacy and go with me instead.

  He never did.

  Chapter 5

  My phone chimed on the dresser behind me. I partially rolled over and slapped my hand around until I found it.

  Want to go to the dance with me?

  My eyebrow lifted as I checked the phone number and read the text again. I had no idea who it was.

  Me: Who’s this?

  I stared at my phone, waiting for an answer, holding my breath in anticipation. It may not have been Nash, but maybe it would solve my problems. The dance was this weekend. I had a ticket and no one to go with. Nash had Stacy. Felix was going with Stacy’s friend Rebecca. Even Peyton had been asked by Steve. I didn’t want to be the seventh wheel.

  Aaron. Nash’s friend.

  I almost laughed with relief. I knew Aaron, though not very well. He was cute, though a bit goofy. He had sandy blond hair, brown eyes, and a perpetual smile. He was nice enough. I didn’t see any reason not to go with him.

  Me: Sure.

  Aaron: Thanks.

  I waited for a response of some kind, but nothing came. I couldn’t help but feel crestfallen. Since the party, I’d been miserable. For a week and a half, I’d walked around with stinging eyes and lead in my stomach. It was like I’d caught the emotional flu with body aches and chills. Was it possible to have your heart broken without ever truly giving it away?