HeartLess

by Love, Kristy

  “You’re more important.”

  “It’s okay. I’m okay.” My voice shook. I was completely overcome by my feelings. I didn’t know I could feel so much and still live. It felt like my emotions were going to crack through my bones and tear open my skin and pour out all over the floor.

  “You’re not. You’re upset.” He reached out and wiped a tear from my cheek. “I need to make sure you’re okay.”

  “I’m fine.” I forced a smile, though my chin wobbled.

  “About what happened in there…” His voice trailed off, and he grabbed the back of his neck and hung his head.

  “It’s okay. I understand.”

  “No, you really don’t.”

  “I do.” I swallowed and tried to piece myself back together enough to get my words out. “I’m sorry that happened. I never meant for you to cheat on Stacy.”

  “That’s not what happened, Bianca. Let me—”

  I held up my hand, cutting him off. “I don’t want to come between you two. She’s your girlfriend. You should go to her.”

  “Bee, she’s not my girlfriend.”

  “Stop… Just stop.” I didn’t want to hear his excuses or see his face. My actions made me feel sick. This wasn’t who I was. I wasn’t someone who took part in cheating. It was unbelievable that I’d been so wrapped up in him that I’d forgotten about Stacy. Bile burned my throat and tears threatened to flow. He stared at me a few minutes, though it felt like hours. He must have seen the sincerity in my eyes because he nodded and turned on his heel, heading back toward the dance.

  I felt like I was being ripped in two with every step he took farther away from me. I sagged against the wall, and a sob ripped from me when the door slammed shut behind him. I pulled my phone out of the small purse hanging from my wrist. I called the one person who wouldn’t judge me, who wouldn’t hate me.

  “Mom? Could you come pick me up, please?”

  “Of course, darling. I’ll be there in ten minutes.”

  “Thanks, Mom.”

  I hung up and shot a quick text to Peyton. I couldn’t go out there and find her. I needed to get away. I couldn’t be here anymore. I couldn’t watch Nash apologize to Stacy.

  The memory of my first kiss would always be surrounded by bitter disappointment.

  Chapter 6

  Nash

  I feared I’d irrevocably broken my friendship with Bianca. No matter what I tried to do, I kept fucking up, and I had no idea what to do. I hadn’t been thinking about anything but the feel of Stacy’s hand on me when she’d mentioned the dance. As soon as I realized what I’d done, I hated myself. I wanted to beg and plead with Bianca to forgive me, but I couldn’t find the words. Nothing seemed appropriate, given the hurt in her eyes. I thought maybe it was better to let her go, to find someone better for her, someone who wasn’t selfish or didn’t think with their dick.

  I knew, deep down, I feared I wasn’t enough for Bianca. She was so put together, so smart, so beautiful that I was sure she could do better than me. Lately, I felt like all I’d done was prove how she was better off without me, and it ate a hole in my stomach.

  Tonight, Felix and I were heading to Philadelphia with our parents. I’d never wanted anything as much as I wanted this, except I wanted Bianca to be there to support us. She’d always been there. She’d gone to my first piano recital, my first time performing with guitar, every gig Felix and I had. Hell, she’d planned most of them. It didn’t feel right that she wasn’t going, but she refused to talk to me. She ignored my calls and texts, her parents sent me away when I went to her door. It felt completely hopeless. I didn’t know how to fix things between us if she wouldn’t even talk to me.

  I pulled up outside of Bianca’s house. It was my last-ditch effort to talk to her for even a few moments before we had to leave. I rang the doorbell and stood with my hands shoved in my pocket, a pit in my stomach. Mrs. Fair opened the door. “Nash.” She raised an eyebrow as she regarded me. It was clear in her body language and tone that she wasn’t thrilled I was here.

  “Hi, Mrs. Fair. I was hoping to talk to Bianca. Is she home?” My voice came out weak and pleading.

  The stare Mrs. Fair leveled me with made my neck itch. “Let me see if she’ll come to the door.” She motioned for me to come in, then went upstairs. I stood in the entryway, shifting my weight. I rarely got nervous, but the thought of Bianca rejecting me—again—made me anxious, especially when I had such an important audition. I needed us to be okay, or I wasn’t sure how I’d be able to concentrate.

  After what felt like a million years, but was really only a few minutes, Bianca came downstairs. She had on bright pink sweatpants that ended just below her knee and a tight white tank top. I swallowed and couldn’t figure out where to look, so I settled on her face. It was an inscrutable mask. Her expressive eyes, which usually gave away what she was feeling, were passive and blank.

  “Nash,” she said, her voice cordial but distant.

  “Bianca,” I said. I took a step closer, wanting desperately to be close to her, to bridge the canyon between us, but stopped when her mom came down the stairs and stood, watching us. I cleared my throat. “I wanted to talk to you.”

  “Sure.”

  My eyes flicked to her mom, and I wondered how I would be able to say what I needed to say with her mom hovering in the corner. After a few seconds, her mom moved out of the room, heading into the kitchen. “I wanted to apologize. I’m really sorry for, well, everything. For going to the dance with Stacy, for kissing you. I mean, I’m not sorry—”

  “That’s not important,” she said, cutting me off, her tone steel. “Here.” She shoved a small box at me.

  “What’s this?”

  “It’s something I ordered for you a couple months ago that just came in.” She looked away from me, her hands squeezing at her sides. It was like she couldn’t bear to look at me.

  I regarded the small box, then opened it. Inside was a guitar pick. It was black, but it had small bits of white in it, almost like someone had crinkled up paper, dipped it in white paint, then dabbed it on the surface. It had a weathered, aged look, but it was clearly new. On the front, it said HeartLess. I raised my eyes to her, having trouble gathering my thoughts well enough to say anything. Her thoughtfulness threw me off. Even when she was mad at me, she was still considerate. She could have thrown this gift away, but she was laying her feelings bare in front of me. Again. I didn’t deserve it, and I wasn’t sure how to respond. “Thanks so much, Bee. I love it.”

  She nodded stiffly. “I thought you could use it for your audition. Or you don’t have to. I just wanted you to have it.”

  I looked down at the pick again. She’d clearly designed it herself. Heart was written in blocky letters, where Less was written in a flowing script. “I’ll definitely use it. Thank you.” I smiled. She regarded me like I was a stranger still, keeping distance between us.

  “I just wanted to give that to you.” She took a few steps back. I fought the urge to reach for her and stop her from putting more distance between us. I had so much I still wanted to say, needed to say, and each step felt like a mile.

  “I wanted to talk to you.” The space between us grew, stretched, and deepened. I wanted desperately to stop her retreat, my heart in my throat. I needed to fix this, fix us. I needed her.

  “Just… Just don’t, Nash, okay? I don’t want to hear your apologies or words of regret.” She swallowed, and I watched her throat work, as though she were swallowing words down. She looked down at the ground for a few seconds before looking back up at me. That pain in her eyes made me flinch. Again, I was filled with self-loathing that I’d done this, hurt her this way. I wished I’d pushed Stacy away and stayed with Bianca. “I know it was nothing to you, but it wasn’t nothing to me. I just… I just need some time, okay?” Her words barreled into me like a freight train. What did she mean it wasn’t nothing to her, but it was nothing to me? My brain flitted through possibilities and ideas faster than a hummingbird’s win
gs, but I couldn’t seem to focus on one more than a split second. “I hope your audition goes well. I really do. I hope you get it.” She forced a smile before turning and running up the stairs. I moved to follow her, but her mom materialized from the kitchen.

  “You should be on your way, Nash.” Mrs. Fair’s eyes were like steel, cold and immovable. I nodded, shooting one last look up the stairs. I wanted to fix this, but it was impossible if Bianca couldn’t stay in the same room long enough to listen to what I had to say. The knot in my stomach had quadrupled in size since I’d first walked through the front door.

  “Thanks, Mrs. Fair.” I left, feeling dejected, confused, and upset. I’d have to figure out how to get through the audition with the weight of Bianca’s continued rejection on my shoulders.

  * * *

  Felix and I stood backstage, watching the band that was auditioning before us. They were good, but not great. They had a good sound overall, but came off as scattered, as though they didn’t practice enough to become a cohesive unit.

  “They’re okay,” Felix said, his fingers tapping against his thigh rapidly.

  “Yeah.” I crossed my arms in front of me, nervous and excited.

  “We’re better.”

  “You think?”

  Felix nodded, a short movement of his head. His eyes tracked the people on stage, watching them and studying them as though he was going to have an exam on their exact movements.

  “Okay, guys,” Marvin said, coming up behind us. “You’re on next. As soon as they clear from the stage, head out there. I’ll be out in the seats. Give it your best shot.”

  “Thanks,” I replied. Adrenaline shot through my veins, making me feel amped up and fidgety. I couldn’t stand still, so I paced back and forth.

  After five minutes, Felix and I were on stage. They had generic instruments on the stage for the three acts auditioning today. They had a keyboard and a guitar for me to use, that’s all that mattered. When Felix and I were ready, he tipped his chin and then counted us in. We launched into one of our songs that always got incredible reception whenever we played it. We both gave it our all. I sauntered around the stage, putting on what I hoped was a good show. Felix’s arms were lightning on the drums. My blood rushed through my ears, making it hard to hear.

  It was one of those moments on stage that I lived for. Everything flowed. My vocals, Felix’s beats, my fingers on the instruments. I didn’t just feel the music in my bones but in my soul. Everything felt effortless and perfect. I could tell Felix was pouring himself into every beat of the drum, his performance amazing. All our hours of practicing and tweaking had paid off. Even if we didn’t get the spot, we’d played our best. That was all we could do.

  A song and a half in and someone stood and motioned for us to stop. My stomach plummeted to my toes. I wanted this. I didn’t realize how much I wanted this until I got here. I knew Felix wanted it too, though he was quiet about it. I knew he wanted to make music his life’s work. He didn’t want to go to college and get a regular nine-to-five, he wanted to create and perform. I wanted to as well, but I also had a practical side. I knew the chances were slim that I’d ever get the opportunity, and this felt like that opportunity, the one that could make this our careers instead of just a hobby.

  “Thanks, guys,” Marvin said. The stage lights made him a shadow, as well as the people he was now huddled with talking. I shot Felix a look, wishing we weren’t just standing there like idiots. I wasn’t sure if we should stay on stage or leave. I felt rooted to the spot. After a few moments, the shadowed figures moved, coming onto the stage. My jaw dropped when I saw who was climbing the steps. The five members of Indecision were making their way toward us, along with Marvin and someone else. They hadn’t done this for the two acts that were before us. They were dismissed from the stage and the next band filed out. Felix came out from behind his drum set, coming to stand next to me.

  “That was amazing,” Bret, the lead singer of the band, said.

  “You guys rocked it out,” Jimmy, one of the guitarists, remarked. They had a singer, two guitarists, a drummer, and a bass player. Standing in front of them, I felt small and insignificant. These guys had been on the cover of magazines. They’d won awards for their songs. They sold out stadiums. I swallowed, willing my dry throat to work so I could respond.

  “We’d like you to open for us,” Frank, the drummer, said.

  “Really?” Felix asked, his eyes wide and disbelief coloring his words.

  “Yeah. We think you’d be an excellent fit. We’ve auditioned countless bands, but none fit.” Bret threw his arm around Marvin. “But Marvin here said we needed to see you guys. He said you were the real deal, the best fit. And he didn’t disappoint.”

  “We’d love to,” I said, my voice breaking. I cleared my throat. “We’re not eighteen yet, so we’d have to get our parents’ permission. They’re backstage in one of the rooms.”

  Marvin waved away the concern, as though our parents’ input didn’t matter. “That’s not an issue. We’ll come up with contracts and help you secure somewhere to play so you can be ready. This is the big leagues, boys. If you play your cards right, this could be the beginning. You need to be all in, period. This isn’t a small commitment.”

  “Of course.” I tried to school my features, not wanting to show how excited I really was, but it was so hard.

  “The tour starts in June, and we’d like you to be on the road with us for at least six months. We could renegotiate and extend it if we’re all in agreement.” Franky explained all this as if we were discussing what our order was going to be from McDonald’s, not an opening spot on the highly-anticipated tour. They’d sold out at almost all venues they were stopping at. The US leg of the tour was a yearlong and packed with dates.

  “Sure.”

  “Let’s go back to the dressing room and discuss the details.” Marvin held his arms out, ushering us all backstage.

  Three hours later, my family and Felix’s walked out, signed contracts in our hands. My head was spinning, trying to figure out what the hell had just happened. We’d just signed on to be Indecision’s opening act, we were getting paid some money for our time, our travel was paid for, they were going to set us up with our own tour bus, tutors to keep us on track to graduate high school, and the contract left room for further negotiation in the future. If we still wanted to stay on tour after six months, we’d renegotiate at that point. There was also the possibility that we could be invited on the international leg of the tour.

  Indecision thought we were the real deal. They said we had the charisma on stage and the talent to make it far and they wanted to help. They’d been looking for bands from Pennsylvania to pay it forward to the people who’d helped them make it big.

  As soon as we pushed our way outside the doors, my sister squealed—actually squealed—and threw herself at me. She clung to me and continued to make noises that I could only interpret as excitement. With every jump from her, my body jostled, and I chuckled, holding her back. “You did it!” Her face was wet with tears. “You kicked ass in there!” She threw herself at Felix, making more incoherent noises.

  “That we did, Hazel.” Felix smirked. He was playing it cool, but there was no way he was as unaffected as he was coming off. My body trembled with excitement, my thoughts raced, and I had no idea what to do with myself.

  “We’ll have to talk to the school and get their information sent to the tutors,” my mom said, her voice distracted. I was sure she had everything racing through her mind. She pulled the moment down from the soaring heights, just a little, with the reminder that life continued outside of this one moment.

  “They’d miss the beginning of senior year, but this is…. We can’t let them pass up this opportunity, right, George?” Felix’s mom asked.

  “We’re doing the right thing,” my dad responded.

  Felix and I had to promise to keep up with our school work and get a high school diploma, that was the biggest requirement by both of our par
ents. They didn’t want us to drop out thinking we’d hit it big and then have no diploma and struggle.

  When we were piled into Felix’s mom’s van, I pulled my phone out and shot a quick text to Bianca. I needed her to know how it went.

  Me: We got it!! Contracts are signed, and things are set in motion. I wanted to let you know.

  An hour and a half later, she finally responded.

  Bianca: I’m so happy for you. I knew you’d do great.

  As much as I didn’t want it to, her lackluster reply tore through me, dampening my excitement. I wanted her to be as thrilled as we were, especially since she’d been the one to align all the pieces to allow this to happen in the first place. I sighed and tucked my phone away, pressing my face against the cool glass of the car window.

  Chapter 7

  Bianca

  I was in the basement, digging through the boxes of old pictures. In my history class, they wanted us to do a family tree, complete with pictures. I had to have a baby picture of myself, plus one from childhood, and a recent one. My mom had sent me down here and told me specifically where to look. So far, I’d found a picture of my grandparents, my two aunts and their husbands, and my parents. I couldn’t find a baby picture that I wouldn’t be embarrassed by. Why was I naked or coated in food in so many of these? Why weren’t there any newborn pictures? That’s what I really wanted to use.

  It was easier to focus on schoolwork than everything going on with Nash. I felt dirty and ashamed about kissing him at the dance. I hated that I’d been so swept up in him that I’d lost sight of the fact that he had a girlfriend. My heart broke that I wasn’t there for him during his big audition. I’d heard from Peyton who’d heard from Felix that they were leaving in a few months. Knowing they’d be leaving, that he’d be leaving, hurt even more. I didn’t know how to mend the rift between us. So, I continued to avoid and ignore.