HeartLess

by Love, Kristy

  “What about your… parents?” He asked, hesitantly.

  “I don’t know. I have to talk to them. I’m sure they’re mad about how I ran out of there last night.” I scrunched up my nose. “I’m sure they’re really not happy that I spent the night here.”

  He chuckled. “Yeah, they weren’t happy. They woke me up last night. They were having an argument with my parents while you were sleeping. They wanted to come in here and drag you away, but my parents convinced them to let you stay. They said you needed a friend now, to let you stay. Your parents weren’t exactly pleased, but I think they realized you were in good hands.”

  I buried my face in my hands, horrified. The thought that they knew I was here, sleeping in Nash’s bed, made my stomach twist like I was going to vomit. I couldn’t even tell them I’d slept on the couch here, they knew. “Oh, God. They were here?”

  “They were here.” He ran a finger down my face.

  I groaned. “It’s going to be so awkward when I go back home.”

  “You could say that again.”

  I laughed, wiping my hands over my face. “I guess I should head home so I can get this awful conversation over with.” I moved to climb out of his hold, his bed.

  “Wait,” he said, grabbing my hand and stopping me from standing up. “Are things okay between us? I’m probably an ass for asking this given everything, but I don’t want to fight with you anymore, Bee. I need my best friend back.” He stared into my eyes, pleading for forgiveness.

  “We’re good, Nash. Seriously. It feels inconsequential now in a way. I mean, it’s not. I still feel awful for what we did to Stacy, but it doesn’t feel like such a big deal. Not after the bomb dropped on my life last night.”

  “I need you to know that I didn’t cheat on Stacy.” His words rushed out like he’d been holding them in for months and was finally setting them free. “We weren’t an official couple or anything. We were just kind of hanging out.”

  “She wasn’t your girlfriend?” Relief washed through me like a tidal wave.

  He shook his head. “I wouldn’t cheat on her, even though I didn’t really have feelings for her.”

  I let out a long, slow breath. It felt like I’d been holding it in since the night of the dance. A weight lifted off my shoulders and a chunk of guilt evaporated. “I guess I can stop hating myself for taking part in cheating now, huh?”

  “You didn’t do anything wrong. Neither of us did.” His palm cupped my jaw. The touch sent tingles across my neck. “Stacy wasn’t exactly happy, but we weren’t exclusive. She was hooking up with other guys. I think it was just that it was right in front of her face, you know?”

  “I can imagine that was less than stellar.”

  “I haven’t seen her since that night,” he blurted.

  “God, I feel like I have so much to think about, I’m afraid my brain is going to fry.” I laughed, though there was no humor in it. I stood from his bed and smoothed my clothes. It was so hard to process everything. Every time my mind tried to focus on one thing, it flitted to the next like a hummingbird on speed.

  “Stay for breakfast. Please. It’ll give you time to regroup before you go home.”

  I smiled. I didn’t want to leave, not yet. It felt so good to be with him again. I’d missed him. It felt like a huge piece of my life was sliding back into place. “I’d like that.”

  When we entered the kitchen, Nash’s mom turned around from the stove, a spatula in her hand. “Oh, you guys are up. Is everything okay?” Her eyes scanned my face, checking for any sign that I wasn’t.

  “Yeah, Mom. It’s fine. I told Bianca she could stay for breakfast.”

  Mrs. James’s eyes got soft, and she set down the spatula, coming over and wrapping me in an embrace. “Your mom told me what happened. I’m so sorry, sweetie. You know you’re always welcome here, day or night.”

  “Thank you, Mrs. James.”

  His mom curled her nose, hating how formal I always was. My parents would hate to think I ever called her by anything but her proper name. “I’m making eggs and toast. Give your parents a call to let them know you’re awake and okay. I know they’re worried.” She turned back to the stove. I sighed and called my parents, telling them I’d be home as soon as I ate. They weren’t happy, but they were relieved to hear from me.

  Now I had breakfast to figure out what I was going to say to them.

  * * *

  “Mom?” I called out as I hung the coat up in the closet and took my shoes off. “Dad?” I clutched the box and went farther into the house, finding them both sitting at the table in the kitchen. It was like they hadn’t moved at all since I’d taken off last night. It felt the same, though everything around it had changed. Our table sat four with one side pushed against the wall since there was only three of us. My mom sat on one end and my father at the other. They both had somber looks on their faces, and my mom looked exhausted. I wondered if she’d slept at all.

  “Please come sit down, Bianca,” my mom said, gesturing to the chair between them. “We’d like to talk to you.”

  “Of course.” I set the box down on the counter and sat down, tucking my hands under my legs. Last night, I’d been filled with anger, disbelief, and anguish. It’d fueled my every move, making me act out. Today, all of those emotions had been drained, and I was left feeling emptied out and hollow.

  “We understand that you’re upset, and you have every right to be. It was never, ever our intention to upset you. Everything we do, we do because we love you and want the best for you,” my mom started. “That’s all we’ve ever wanted. We wanted what was best for your…mother…as well.” She stuttered over the word as if it was painful for her to say.

  “We tried, Bianca. We tried so hard to get her the help she needed, but she didn’t want it. And you know you cannot help anyone who doesn’t want to help themselves,” my dad said. I nodded. That’d been one of my parents’ mantras my whole life. The phrase took on a whole new meaning now. Clearly, they’d wanted to help someone who wanted nothing more than to self-destruct. “We took you in and decided to raise you as our own because you are. You are ours. It doesn’t matter that she birthed you or that we missed the beginning of your life, you have and always will be our daughter. We love you. We love you so much.” My dad reached forward and rested his hand on top of my own. I looked at him, really looked at him, and he looked every day of his sixty years of age. His face was lined with wrinkles, and he had drooping bags under his eyes. He looked tired. I wondered how many of those lines and how much of that fatigue had been put in there by his first daughter…my mother.

  It felt wrong to think of Gina as my mother. She may have birthed me, but she didn’t do any of the things that mattered. She wasn’t there when I needed someone, wasn’t there to tuck me in, kiss any of my bruises, when I won the spelling bee, or when I brought home my first report card with all As. I wasn’t even her priority when I was a baby and in her custody. My real mom had shaped me into the person I was now, not Gina. It didn’t matter if she’d carried me in her womb or not.

  “I know you love me. I love you both.” I flipped my hand over and squeezed his hand. I reached over and grabbed my mom’s hand. “I’m sorry I worried you by taking off. I needed time to try and start sorting through all of this. My whole life has been upended, and I don’t know how to even begin to process it all.”

  “We can’t fault you for how you reacted. It was upsetting for everyone.” My mom smiled, though it looked weary and worn down. “We’re just happy you’re here now. And we’re here for you, no matter what. If you have questions or if you need to talk about any of this. Just know that your dad and I… We love you. I can’t stress it enough. We only want what’s best for you.”

  My stomach clenched at the emotion in her voice and in her eyes. I wished I could pretend like everything was okay, but it was a lot. I still felt so betrayed and hurt. I didn’t know what this meant for me going forward. I didn’t want it to change who I was, but I felt my sel
f-truth being reconstructed a little bit. I was the daughter of addicts. I’d been neglected. I hadn’t been enough. Before all of this, I struggled with not feeling like enough. Now? I worried no one would ever want me, that I’d never be truly cared for and loved. How could I expect my friends to stay when my own parents hadn’t loved me enough to? How could I expect Nash to fall in love with me when my own parents hadn’t loved me?

  “And as far as punishment—” my dad started to say. As usual, my dad’s strict parenting shone brightly. He wanted to make sure I stayed in line, not to stray down the path of my birth mother.

  “Alex, she doesn’t need to be punished. It was trying enough as it was,” my mom interrupted.

  “She ran out of this house and into the arms—the bed—of a boy,” my dad argued. “She didn’t come home all night!”

  “Oh, stop. She went to Nash’s house.” My mom waved her hand through the air as if it didn’t matter. “It was an emotionally charged moment, and she needed someone to be there for her. I’m glad she had Nash to go to.” My parents exchanged a look. It looked like they were trying to convey a million different thoughts between them until my dad sighed loudly.

  “Fine, okay. No punishment. But next time, please don’t run out. We have rules for a reason. We don’t want you to…” His voice trailed off, but I knew where he was going with it. He didn’t want me to go down the same road my parents, my biological parents had gone down.

  “I’m not going to be them,” I said, my voice firm. I wasn’t. I wouldn’t put them through that again, and I had no interest in ruining my life that way. “You both are my parents. You’ve always been my parents and always will be.” My mom looked at me, tears shimmering in her eyes. “I know you’ve always done the best for me and I appreciate it. I promise I won’t do what they did.” My mom nodded, seemingly unable to speak. “I’m going to go lie down a bit. I’m tired.”

  “Of course,” my dad said. I stood and smiled at them before leaving the room.

  Chapter 8

  Nash

  I slid into the booth, Bianca next to me with Peyton and Felix across from us. It was amazing that we were all together again after so long of being separate. The gang was back together, repaired and happy. When we’d walked into lunch and sat down at the same table, Peyton damn near fell backwards off the bench, and Felix had cheered. Everyone had looked at us, which caused the most adorable flush to spread over Bianca’s cheeks. I’d wanted to kiss her, but I was afraid she’d shove me away. I still worried a little bit that there was some lingering damage between us, but we seemed totally back to normal. Other than the occasional lost look in her eye. I knew the bombshell about her birth parents affected her. She tried to play it off, but some new insecurities seemed to take root.

  I was leaving in three days. Three. Days. There wasn’t enough time for me to soak in everything with Bianca that I wanted to do. I wanted to store every second I could before we left, but I knew it was impossible. Because nothing was ever going to be enough when it came to her. I took every scrap and morsel I could, hoping it’d tide me over on the road. We’d been glued together, all of us, but especially Bianca and me. If we weren’t together, we were texting.

  Since we were leaving so soon, we’d been taking Felix on a Tour de Pittsburgh. There was so much of the city he hadn’t experienced yet, so we figured it was time before we left. Plus, it was a really good excuse for us all to be together. Seeing the city this way was almost like I was experiencing it for the first time and it was bittersweet. I felt like I was saying goodbye to my childhood home.

  “I can’t believe you’ve never been here,” Peyton said for the hundredth time. I rolled my eyes and Bianca opened her menu.

  “I wasn’t aware that it was a Pittsburgh necessity,” Felix responded.

  “Duh. Football, hockey, and Primanti’s. In that order.” Peyton ticked off each item on her fingers. “You’ve watched the Steelers. You’ve cheered on the Penguins. Now it’s time to have your first Primanti’s sandwich. It’s a damn shame that you haven’t been here yet, especially since you’ve been here for, what? Three years?”

  Felix shook his head. “I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal out of it if you haven’t dragged me here before now. If it’s such a Pittsburgh rite of passage, then you failed initiating me, sweetheart.”

  Peyton crinkled her nose. “I’m not your sweetheart.”

  “You’ll always be my sweetheart.” Felix batted his eyelashes at her. Peyton burst out laughing. Felix opened his menu and scoffed. “Coleslaw? On a sandwich?”

  “Don’t knock it until you try it,” I retorted, closing my menu. “It’s seriously so good.”

  “And French fries.” Felix’s voice was flat as he looked around at each of us.

  “French fries, coleslaw, whatever meat you want, cheese, and delicious bread. It’s heaven, Felix. You have to try one,” Bianca said, pointing her finger at him.

  “How do you even choose?” His wide eyes roved over the menu.

  “Easy. What kind of sandwiches do you like?” Peyton asked.

  “Steak, usually.”

  “Then get the steak sandwich. You won’t regret it.” Peyton glared at him, almost daring him to argue with her. Instead, Felix shrugged. Our server came over and took our order.

  “I still don’t get the coleslaw on the sandwich.” It almost looked like Felix was sulking, which was utterly ridiculous. It was a sandwich, not the end of the world.

  “It’s not a mayo-based coleslaw, dude. It’s this sort of tart coleslaw that ties everything together,” I explained.

  “And the fries are fresh cut and so, so good,” Peyton added.

  Bianca leaned forward. “The bread is damn near melt-in-your-mouth good.”

  Felix threw his head back and laughed. “You guys sound like you could write the advertising for them.”

  Our food was delivered, and Felix’s eyes widened at the overfilled sandwich. We all laughed at his shocked expression.

  “Dive in,” I said, taking a huge bite of my own sandwich.

  Felix picked his up and took a tentative bite, slowly chewing as if he was debating the different flavors. “Woah,” he said after he swallowed. “It doesn’t sound like it should be good, but it is. Really fucking good!” He dove back in, devouring it quickly. A few fries had fallen out of Peyton’s sandwich, which he snagged.

  “Hey! Get your own!” she exclaimed, moving to smack his hand away, except he was too fast for her. He popped the fry in his mouth and grinned at her. “For someone who wasn’t keen on this idea, you sure are into it now.”

  “Sometimes you don’t know how good something is until you try it.”

  “Told you,” I said.

  Bianca was quiet, and it made me nervous. I wondered if she was thinking about everything. I wanted to pull her out of her thoughts. “Hey,” I said, leaning over to whisper in her ear. “Can I come over after lunch? I wanted to hang out for a while, just us.”

  Her eyes brightened, and she smiled. “I’d love to hang out, yeah.”

  I returned her smile and continued eating as the conversation flowed around us. She still wasn’t overly talkative, but she threw in a few things here and there. I hated that something had made her sad. I wanted to scrub the doubts from her mind. If only it was that easy.

  After we finished our sandwiches, we left Primanti’s. I made excuses as to why we couldn’t hang out any longer and we left. I pulled in front of Bianca’s and she sat there, staring out the window for a moment.

  “You okay?” I asked, tugging softly on a piece of her hair.

  “Yeah. Sometimes I feel so alien here, like I don’t know where I belong.” She sighed. “I love my parents, it’s not that at all, but I feel…different. Sometimes it feels like they’re walking on eggshells around me and I hate it.” She turned her face toward me, her lips turned down in a frown. “I haven’t changed, I don’t think. I also can’t change the fact that things have, indeed, changed. I can’t erase t
he knowledge that my parents are dead.”

  “I don’t think anyone is asking you to. I think they’re afraid. They’ve lived with this secret for so long and now that it’s out in the open, they don’t know how to handle it, how you’ll handle it.”

  “I guess.” She opened her door and hopped out. I followed her. I hadn’t been back to her house after we’d made up. It’d only been a week, but it still felt strange. I knew her parents were home and I wondered how they’d receive me.

  “Mom, Dad, I’m home!” Bianca called out as soon as she walked in the door. She slid her shoes off and peaked into the living room. “Nash is here. We’re going to hang out for little bit, okay?”

  I poked my head in and waved at her parents. Her mom assessed me, eyes raking over my body like she was looking for something. Her dad didn’t look up from his laptop. “It’s nice to see you, Nash. It’s been a while.”

  I fought back a cringe. “Yeah. It has.” I wanted to be respectful. I had no doubt Mrs. Fair would gut me like a fish if I stepped over the line.

  “We’re going up to my room, okay?” she asked. I wondered if her spending the night at my place, in my bed, last weekend would change things, if her parents wouldn’t allow me up in her room.

  “Sure. Leave the door open,” Mrs. Fair said with a smile. Bianca turned and shot me a look of disbelief and we went upstairs. It felt like I was coming home. After so many years of friendship, her house was just as much mine as my own.

  As soon as we got inside, Bianca sat on her bed, twisting her fingers together as though she was nervous. I stretched out on the floor, relishing how good it felt to have all that shit behind us.

  “There’s a chair, you know.” She said, raising her eyebrow and pointing at the chair next to the desk. Her tone said annoyed; the smile on her lips said she found me humorous.

  I smirked, knowing it annoyed her. I liked getting Bianca riled up when her cheeks got pink, and her voice became high pitched. “Yeah, but then I couldn’t stretch out.” I laid on my back, stretching my arms over my head. Her eyes danced over my body and landed around my waist, where my shirt had lifted up slightly.