HeartLess

by Love, Kristy

  He studied me for a long moment. Without saying anything, he moved closer and kissed me, long and slow and seductively. My body became putty in his hands. I lost myself in the rhythm we were making. Kiss. Kiss. Sweep the tongue over a lip. Pull a shirt off. Unbutton and take off his jeans. Kiss. Kiss. Touch. Before long, he was down to his boxer briefs, and I was down to nothing but my underwear. They were pale purple with little white polka dots on them.

  Our fingers and lips touched and tasted, teased, and tantalized. He’d touch me somewhere, and I’d giggle lightly, knowing my parents were in their room and we couldn’t be too loud. Otherwise, we were in a cocoon of warmth and sensation and love. It felt right, laying myself bare emotionally and physically. If there was anyone in the world that I wanted this with, it was Nash. It’d always been him, and it should be him.

  “Please, Nash.” I was back to begging, but I didn’t care. I didn’t even know what I was begging for, other than more.

  “We shouldn’t.” He moved his hips again in a direct contradiction to the words he was saying. “Hold on. I need to think. I need to… I just need to catch up with myself a bit here.”

  “Please,” I begged again.

  “A condom. If we’re going to do this, we need a condom.” He was panting, and his face was scrunched in concentration.

  “Don’t you have one?” I asked. Surely, he kept a supply on him in case an opportunity arose. And one had most definitely arisen right now.

  “No. I’ve never needed one.”

  A bucket of ice water was doused over my body, freezing me in place. “You’ve never used one?” Did he mean he’s only had unprotected sex? He couldn’t mean that he’d never had sex at all, right?

  “I’ve never done this before.”

  His words heated the blood coursing through my veins. There was something so enticing about owning this part of him, this part that no one else had ever shared. No matter what, it would be me. “I haven’t either.”

  He looked down at me and lifted an eyebrow. “I figured you hadn’t.”

  “What makes you assume I’m a virgin?” My voice was haughty, slightly offended.

  “You’ve never shown interest in anyone other than me.” He pecked me on the lips. “Just like I haven’t been interested in sharing this with anyone but you.”

  Once again, he melted me. And at that moment, realization dawned on me. “Oh! My book bag! I need my book bag!” I pushed him off me and rushed to my desk, unzipping my bag and rifling through it.

  “I don’t think now is the time to study,” he muttered sarcastically.

  When I found what I was looking for, I held it up between two fingers with a triumphant smile on my face. “Health class. She gives out free condoms during sex ed.”

  His grin was so seductive, so devastating that it made my knees weak. “Get back over here.”

  So, I did. We went back to kissing and touching, though he lost the last stitch of his clothing. Through laughter and slight teasing, he was able to roll the condom on.

  “Are you sure you want to do this?” he asked when he was braced over me. His eyes were full of so much care and concern that I sighed, cupping his cheek with my hand. I wanted to remember the look on his face, the way he looked at me like I was the most important person in the world to him. Because he was to me. I loved him so much my body physically ached for him.

  “Absolutely.”

  “I’ve heard it hurts for the girls. I don’t know how to make it so it doesn’t.” He chewed on his lip, looking down where our bodies were almost joined.

  “Hey.” I reached out and touched his face, turning his attention back to my face. “We’ll figure it out. Together. Whatever happens, I want this, and you want this. We want this together.” I smiled, nerves and excitement making my lip wobble slightly. “I love you. No matter what.”

  “I love you.”

  And with that, he pressed into me. The pain was there, the discomfort, and stretching. I winced as he chanted words of encouragement, love, and ecstasy. His movements weren’t graceful or particularly pleasing, but there was something undeniably right about it. The way his face moved and the moonlight splashed across his features. The way he spoke and felt. I felt whole and broken apart at the same time. I felt too full and filled just right. My body and mind a mess of contradictions, caught somewhere between pain and beauty.

  With every movement or utterance, he burrowed his way farther into my heart. My soul fused more and more with his. I didn’t know where he ended and I began, and I wanted to stay fused together forever. I felt so full of love that my whole body trembled with it. Tears leaked from the corners of my eyes. Part of me knew this was too good too last. I loved him too much, he was too important to me. How could a love like this burn so brightly and not extinguish itself?

  After, we kissed for a while longer, then he slipped from my bed and slid on his pants, leaving off his underwear. He snuck out of my room and grabbed a warm washcloth, pressing it softly between my legs. I loved him so much at this moment, for always thinking about me and taking care of me.

  We didn’t sleep much that night. Instead we talked and kissed. We touched, though it wasn’t anything sexual. I was too sore to even think about it. But, again, it was everything I’d ever wanted.

  Chapter 11

  The air in the arena was pulsing with electric energy and anticipation. People rustled expectantly, waiting for the show to start. Peyton, Hazel, and I were standing in front of the stage, pressed against the bar separating the stage from the crowd. Behind it, the arena seats were full. The only reason we were able to get in at all was the guys getting us special passes. My parents and Nash’s parents didn’t want to be up in the front, claiming they were too old for the stuff that goes on there, so they were seated as close to the stage as they could be.

  I unlocked my phone and sent a quick text to Nash.

  Me: You’re going to do amazing! I love you!

  I knew he was nervous. There was no way to avoid it. He’d snuck out of my house while I slept again last night. I wondered if he’d slept at all. His body had hummed with nervousness, even when he seemed totally calm. It was a front. I knew he didn’t want me to worry about him, but it was impossible not to. He was the other half of me. How he felt was linked to how I was. We were inextricably tied together. Every time I moved, I felt the dull pain between my legs that reminded me how together we really were.

  Last night had blasted away most of my doubts and insecurities. They still played at the edges of my mind, but for those few brief seconds, I’d felt like enough for the first time since I’d found out everything about my past. I feared as soon as those busses pulled away, they’d come back and crush me under their weight.

  My phone vibrated in my hand, and I checked the screen.

  Nash: Love you. Coming out now. Wish me luck.

  Me: LUCK!

  He didn’t need it. I knew no matter what happened, he’d blow the roof off the arena.

  Sure enough, the lights dimmed, and Nash and Felix jogged onto the stage. The crowd was deafening, and the entire place shook with the screams. They weren’t screaming for HeartLess, but they would be soon. I was sure of it.

  “What’s up, Pittsburgh?” Nash yelled into the microphone once he’d found his place at the center of the stage. Felix situated himself behind his drums. “How are you feeling tonight?” The crowd erupted. “We’re so excited to be opening for Indecision. Our name is HeartLess, and we hope you have a blast tonight!”

  They launched right into a cover they frequently performed at gigs up to this point. As I expected, Nash commanded the stage. His voice was strong and captivating. Felix was a beast behind his drums. The crowd went wild, loving every second of the performance. The guys had It, whatever it was that signified someone who would go far. It was impossible to look away, impossible not to dance along. I turned away from the stage and looked over the bodies behind me, and they were ensnared by the guys. They were singing along to the popular so
ng, dancing. Girls were holding up phones and taking pictures. Guys were nodding along appreciatively. I squinted out to the seats, trying to see what was happening out there. People were up on their feet out there as well.

  There was no way this could have gone even a little bit better.

  For the next forty-five minutes, HeartLess owned the entire sold-out stadium. They played mostly covers with some of their own originals sprinkled in. Before they played their last song, Nash stood on the stage, microphone clutched to his chest, eyes scanning the arena. His dimple was out in full force. Felix stood behind his drum set, shirt off and dripping with sweat. He surveyed the crowd too. I knew, at that moment, they were taking it in. They were taking in the sound of the crowd, the energy bouncing around the arena, the feel of being on the stage. They were soaking it in, just like Nash said he’d always do.

  Nash looked at Felix and nodded. Felix slammed his drumsticks together in a countdown before they launched into their final song. It was another original, but the crowd loved it. They were screaming, chanting, and dancing along. Tears sprang to my eyes as I watched them up there, doing what they were born to do. There was no doubt about it.

  “Thanks!” Nash said after they finished. He lifted up the hem of his shirt and wiped his face. “You’ve been an amazing audience. Up next: Indecision!” They jogged from the stage as the crowd went wild.

  “They did it!” Hazel yelled, jumping on me, and pulling me into a hug. Peyton joined in, the three of us hugging and jumping around in celebration. My heart swelled, my blood heated, my mind swirled. I wished I could go to every show just to experience this all over again, but I couldn’t.

  The rest of the concert seemed to drag on. Indecision was stunning live, but I wanted to see my boys. I wanted to congratulate them and see what they thought of everything.

  When the show ended—finally—we found our parents and made our way to the backstage. Everyone was high off the concert, the success of it. No one could wipe the smiles off their faces. My body was flushed.

  When we were escorted backstage, and when I saw Nash, I launched myself at him. In front of his family, my parents, our friends, and Indecision. I wrapped my legs around his body and kissed him so hard our teeth hit against each other. I didn’t register that he was still sweaty until I slid down his front. “I’m so proud of you.” I hugged him again before moving out of the way so everyone else could crowd around them.

  In all my life, I’d never felt this proud. Congratulations were given all around as the adults had wine and the rest of us cracked open Cokes.

  “It sucks that we’re here celebrating tonight, and we’re left with soda,” Felix grumbled.

  “It’s POP!” Peyton bumped into his shoulder. “You’re from Pittsburgh now, and we call it pop. Get it right, man.”

  “Soda. Soda. Soda. Soda,” Felix taunted. His grin curved his lips as his eyes sparkled with mischief.

  “Pop.”

  “Soda.” Felix almost sang the words, clearly loving how he was taunting her.

  “Pop.” Peyton glared at him. I couldn’t tell if she was truly upset or if she was play fighting with him.

  “Soda.” Felix kissed her cheek. It was big and messy because he left a wet spot on her skin. She shrieked and wiped it away. She continued shooting daggers at him.

  “I’m so proud of you,” Felix’s mom said, interrupting the ridiculous battle. Her eyes were glittering with tears, and her chin wobbled. “Watching you guys out there.” She shook her head as if she was at a loss for words. “There’s nothing like it.”

  “You boys killed it,” my dad said, slapping both of them on the shoulders. “It’ll be an honor to watch you on tour.”

  “There’s nowhere to go but up,” Nash’s mom chimed in.

  “Let’s go back to the big room,” Bret said, motioning us forward. “We have more drinks and some food. We can chill for a while before the stuff is loaded and we have to roll out.”

  It felt like a blanket was thrown over everyone as the mood dampened. I shuffled back, way behind everyone else. All the anticipation had led up to this moment. It was almost time to say goodbye, but I didn’t know where to start. I wasn’t anymore ready than I was months ago.

  In the room, I grabbed a plate and put a sandwich and a bag of chips on it before going and sitting on a couch. My eyes were glued to Nash as he talked to everyone. He glowed. Everything about him was shining so brightly it was almost blinding. He kept glancing at me, his smile widening. Everyone seemed to want a piece of him. I sat there, picking at my sandwich but unable to take any bites. Lead had taken over my stomach, and my mouth was dry. No amount of liquid was making it any better.

  “You okay?” Peyton asked as she came and sat next to me.

  “Yeah.” My eyes followed Nash as he was talking to someone I didn’t recognize. He looked important though with his suit and expensive shoes.

  “It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to be excited.”

  I tried to laugh, but it sounded more strangled. “I feel both of those things and so much more.” I looked at Peyton before dropping my eyes to my sandwich. “I thought I’d be ready for tonight, but I’m not.”

  “It’s not going to be the same without them.”

  “It’s not.”

  “There’s going to be a big Nash and Felix hole in our lives until they make it back.”

  “You’re really not helping.” A lump formed in my throat.

  “Sometimes acknowledging the way you feel takes away its power, makes it a little easier to bear.” She patted my knee. “It sucks that they’re leaving, no doubt about it. But all of this is also marvelous.”

  “Marvelous.” I rolled the word around in my mouth and brain. I wasn’t sure if there was a better word for it than that.

  Nash threw away his drink and walked toward me, his easy gait full of confidence. “I’ll give you two a couple minutes,” Peyton said before she slipped away.

  Nash sat on the couch next to me, the side of his body pressed into mine. He wrapped one arm around my shoulders and pulled me into him and kissed the top of my head. “Sorry I haven’t made it over here before now.”

  A knot formed in my gut. I wondered how often I’d be pushed aside after tonight. “You’re busy.”

  “Never too busy for you.” He cupped my chin and pressed his lips to mine. “Did you enjoy the show?”

  “There aren’t words.” Again, my eyes filled with all my overflowing emotion. “I knew you guys were good, but seeing you up there? I’m not sure how to describe it.”

  “I came in early on the third song, and Felix’s beat was a bit too fast on the second to last.” Nash ran his hand over his chin. I smiled. Most stuff, Nash was able to let roll off his shoulders, but he was impossibly hard on himself when it came to music.

  “I promise you that no one noticed but the two of you.” I touched his hand. “Everyone was enjoying it. The crowd… The energy was truly insane.”

  “They enjoyed it, huh?” His grin was crooked, goofy, and dimply. I leaned over and kissed the small dent in his cheek.

  “They loved it.”

  “All that matters to me is you enjoyed it.”

  “Stop being so modest.”

  “I’m serious. You were my number one fan, my number one cheerleader. You got the guitar in my hands and my pen to paper.” He brushed hair behind my ear. “If it weren’t for you, Bee, I wouldn’t be here right now. Everything is because of you.”

  I was close to losing the battle with my emotions. “If it weren’t for your talent, you wouldn’t be here. I didn’t do anything.”

  “Don’t you get it, Bee?” His eyes bounced between mine as his thumb brushed over my lips. “It’s all because of you. Your faith in me gave me the courage to try. I knew even if I failed, you’d be there. If I succeeded, you’d be there.” My chin wobbled. Goddamn these emotions. “You’re my reason.”

  I lost the battle and tears slipped down my cheek. I couldn’t find the words to say at this
moment, this moment that felt so epic, so I kissed him. I kissed him in the only way I knew how, with my whole heart and soul. I poured every thought, feeling, and desire into his mouth and he lapped it up hungrily. His hands went to my hair and mine went to his neck. I loved that part of him. It contained everything. His pulse, his blood, his voice, his scent. I loved how it warmed my hands and how it tasted against my lips.

  Whooping from the guys and throat clearing from my parents pulled us apart. My face was surely red with desire and embarrassment, but I didn’t care.

  “It’s time to pack it up, guys,” the guy in the suit called out, checking his watch. Everything inside of me came to a screeching halt. I couldn’t even get a breath into my lungs. I looked at Nash, desperate for him to stay.

  “I gotta go, babe,” he whispered, pulling me from the couch. He clutched my hand as we all, as a group, made it back to the busses. He said goodbye to his dad while holding my hand. He said goodbye to my parents while holding my hand. He said goodbye to Peyton while holding my hand. His contact was all that kept me from falling apart all over the pavement. My eyes stung, my nose ran, my heart was on fire. I knew the second he pulled away that I’d become an inconsolable mess.

  Once those goodbyes were said, Nash walked me closer to the bus door. Indecision was on their bus. Felix had already gone inside. Our families were milling around a few yards away to give us a little bit of privacy. I cleared my throat, trying to get myself under control.

  I tilted my face up to him. “Six months and eight days,” he vowed. “I’ll be back with you in six months and eight days.”

  “Six months and eight days,” I swore back. A tear slipped down my cheek.

  “I’ll call every chance I get, and I’ll text you so much you won’t even be able to miss me.”

  I chuckled, though it sounded more like a cry. “I highly doubt that. I already miss you, and you aren’t even gone.”