‘I know he did, Alex. But I wonder if he’s genuine. Miles is consistent. He’s always seemed into you. He’s always made the effort. He’s more like you. Humble. Kind. He might not be loud and outspoken, but I’d trust what he said more than Luke. Look,’ she said, resting her hand on my shoulder. ‘Who can say for sure? You’ve spent time with them both and you know how each of them makes you feel, so only you can make that decision. But I would ask you this: assuming that both of them were serious about committing to you, which one could you imagine cuddling up with on a cold winter’s night? If you had no money to go out to restaurants or on holiday, who would you feel happiest spending time with? In ten years’ time, who wouldn’t just make your body tingle but also make your heart sing and your soul dance? Which one could you see yourself growing old with? If you were stranded in the middle of nowhere, who do you think would do everything they could to find you?’
‘Miles,’ I replied without hesitation. ‘Miles every time.’
It was funny. I’d spent all night pondering and thinking. Doing mental checklists, trying to interpret every little detail of every date with Miles and Luke. But suddenly, Stacey posed those questions, and somehow I didn’t have to reflect for even a second. The answer flew out of my mouth before I’d even realised it. How was that even possible? How had I not asked myself those questions before? She’d made the decision seem so simple.
‘Then there’s your answer. In your defence, I think you’ve been asking yourself the wrong questions. You’ve been so fixated on this whole getting married thing that you’ve just homed in on the guy that’s telling you what you want to hear, rather than listening to your gut and the way Miles has made you feel. He may not have spoken about marriage with you explicitly, but him wanting to date you exclusively is his way of saying he’s interested in getting serious. He wants you to commit to him the way he wants to commit to you. I suspect he’s afraid of going all in and falling for you, only for you to sail into the sunset with one of the other guys or run off and break his heart like that Gabriella. After all, you’re waiting for him to show you that he wants to get serious, but what have you done or said to show him that you do?’
‘Not much, I guess,’ I replied sheepishly. ‘I haven’t explicitly.’
‘Think about it. Miles is sending you flowers, taking you to places he knows you love, making an effort to find out about you, which is how it should be. I’m sure he’s not looking for you to start organising dates to take him on, but equally, even as a guy, he’d probably also like reassurance that this is going somewhere and he’s not just wasting his time.’
Shit. I’d been so afraid of getting hurt that I’d been the one pulling back. Too scared to show my emotions. To say how I felt and what I wanted for fear he’d run away like the other guys, or that I’d look stupid. But I should have realised sooner that Miles wasn’t like those other losers I’d been out with in the past. He wasn’t a fuckboy. Far from it. Miles had put himself on the line that night. By asking for exclusivity, he was trying to tell me that he wanted me. But I’d basically rejected him. Made him feel like he wasn’t good enough. Even though I knew what I felt, that I had strong feelings for him and wanted to be with him, I’d ignored my gut and chosen to follow the book, rather than take a chance and follow my heart.
‘I see that now. I got so obsessed with that goal. Following Laurie’s rules, seeing marriage as the finishing line rather than love and happiness. I wasn’t thinking clearly. I’m going to call Miles back now and ask to meet him. Today. Say I’d like to talk to him about going exclusive. Then I can ask him, outright, about where he sees this going. And about Gabriella. It might scare him. I mean, before this challenge, although I would have thought about it, there’s no way I would have considered actually having a serious conversation about a long-term future after dating a guy for a month. But I need to find out. Know where I stand. Then I can take it from there.’
‘Sounds like a sensible plan. And, yeah, it might seem soon, but guys know. They know from the first couple of dates whether they see you as a serious prospect or not. No time to call him now, though. You’ll have to do it at lunchtime. As soon as we finish this boring meeting.’
‘Oh no!’ I glanced up at the clock Steve had now put up on the kitchen wall. ‘I forgot about that.’
‘Yep. A three-hour presentation about the new direction of the company. It’s sure to be riveting.’
‘Three hours! Not even a truckload of coffee is going to make me stay awake for that long. Especially considering I’ve had about four hours sleep. I should at least message Miles back though, so he knows I’m not ignoring him. I know first-hand what it’s like when someone doesn’t return your calls.’
‘You’d better be quick, though,’ she said. ‘The meeting is starting in two minutes, and we’ve still got to get upstairs. And you know what Steve is like. He’s probably already prepared the chopping block for our heads. Text Miles whilst we walk to the lift.’
I plucked my phone out of my bag.
‘Shit! Two missed calls from Miles!’
‘Like you said, he’s probably thinking you’re blanking him,’ said Stacey as she pressed the button for the seventh floor.
I contemplated whether there was any way to skip the meeting so I could talk to Miles. Nope. As much as I hated my job, I still needed it, and being even thirty seconds late for this meeting could be a sure-fire way to guarantee my unemployment. Miles would understand.
‘I’ll let Miles know I’m going into a meeting and will call him back as soon as it’s finished,’ I said typing, into WhatsApp.
‘Good idea. At least that might help you get through this presentation, knowing you’ve got a call and potentially a nice long date with him later to look forward to.’
‘Yeah,’ I said, clicking send. ‘I’m feeling much more optimistic now. Whatever he was calling to tell me, I still want to meet him today. I’m determined to tell him face-to-face how I feel. Gabriella or no Gabriella, I’m convinced that Miles is the man for me, and I’m not going to give him up without a fight.’
Chapter Twenty-Two
It had been almost a week since I’d last heard from Miles. Since he’d gone.
Perhaps forever.
It was all so sudden. I still couldn’t quite get my head around it. I’d come out of the meeting just before 1 p.m., fuming that it had lasted four tortuous hours rather than three, and I’d raced back downstairs so that I could go to the park around the corner and give Miles a call.
He’d phoned again after I’d sent my text and then left a voicemail just after noon. I didn’t bother listening to it at first. I was just so excited to speak to him. But when his phone went straight to voicemail, I decided to play the message, and it was then that I realised I was too late.
Hi, Alex, it’s me. Miles. I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday. I wanted to let you know that I’ve been called away. To work in Africa. Remember I was telling you how I wanted to do some aid work over there? To help children overseas? That I’d been waiting ages to get the call? Well, it came. On Sunday afternoon. It all happened so quickly. I’m lucky that I was allowed to go. Normally you have to give a few months’ notice, but because my bosses knew I’d been trying to do this for ages and it was another colleague on my team that dropped out at the last minute, we were able to do a swap and he could take over my patients. Luckily all my vaccinations were up to date too. Anyway, they’re desperate for our help. They need us straightaway, so I’m about to get on the plane now. That’s why I called yesterday. I wanted to tell you as soon as it was confirmed. I don’t think my phone is going to work over there. I’ve got no idea, so I didn’t want to just disappear without explaining. We’re going for two weeks. It might be longer. I won’t know until I get there, so I wanted to call and tell you that I—
Miles, we’d better go…
Okay, sorry, Alex, I’ve got to go. T-take care.
And then the message ended.
I tried calling
again. Literally every half an hour. Then Stacey took my phone and reminded me that he was flying, so calling repeatedly wouldn’t help and would only make me look like a stalker.
I hoped maybe he’d land, see my missed calls and ring back. But he’d said he didn’t know whether his phone would work over there. And who was the woman who’d called out to him and told him they had to go?
Hold on.
I grabbed my phone from Stacey’s desk, logged back into WhatsApp and scrubbed through Miles’ message to get to the last few seconds. I pressed play and held the phone to my ear.
Miles, we’d better go…
Then I played it again:
Miles, we’d better go…
That voice sounded very familiar.
Oh no.
I dropped the phone onto my lap.
That voice was familiar. That voice was Gabriella’s.
Fuck. Miles had gone on a trip for at least two weeks with his ex-girlfriend who had already made it clear to me that she wanted Miles back. The woman he had apparently been besotted with. That he couldn’t keep his hands off.
It was bad enough when I’d found out that they’d be working together for nine hours a day. I’d thought then that it couldn’t get any worse, but it had, because of course now they’d be spending entire days and nights together. Working together, eating together and probably sleeping together. And I’d be here. Thousands of miles away. Me. The woman who’d wanted Miles to commit to her but hadn’t shown that she was serious enough to date him exclusively. Who would blame Miles for falling back into her arms?
I should have called him back that night. As soon as I’d seen his message. I shouldn’t have left it. I’d just been scared. Scared of what he was going to tell me. If I’d returned his call, I could have told him how I felt, so that at least he’d have gone there knowing that I’d fallen for him. That he was the one.
I didn’t even know where he’d gone in Africa, or what the relief project was. I understood why he’d gone. He’d wanted to do this for ages, and after what had happened with his patient, I knew he wanted more than ever to help kids in need. What if it was longer than a few weeks? What if he decided he needed to stay for months or even years? Whilst I would still have been devastated to see him go, I could have at least let him know that I understood. That I supported him. If I’d called that night, we could have met up. Even if it was one o’clock in the morning. I would have gone to him. We could have talked everything through.
Now he thought I didn’t care. That I didn’t want him. Now I’d driven him straight back to Gabriella. The very thing I had been trying to prevent was what I had encouraged. And he was about to tell me something, before she’d interrupted. And now I’d never find out what it was. I should have known when I saw two missed calls before the meeting that something was wrong. I’d just realised everything too late.
I felt sick. Like someone had taken a chainsaw to my body and cut a massive hole inside me. Like my heart had been ripped from me. On top of that, I was filled with the gut-wrenching feeling of doubt and insecurities. When I’d first started this challenge, I’d felt relatively calm. No worrying about guys calling or messaging because I had options. But none of that mattered anymore. Not now that I’d seen the light. I didn’t care that Luke was still a possibility. Ever since my conversation with Stacey that morning, I’d seen everything so clearly. It was Miles that I wanted. He was the one I wanted to be with, and now I’d missed my chance.
Stacey said that obsessing over the situation wasn’t going to make it better. That I just had to be patient, hope that he and Gabriella didn’t get back together and that he’d return to London soon. And if he did, we’d have to meet up, have a long chat and take it from there.
I’d said that I felt helpless. Passive, just sitting back and waiting for him to return. Maybe I could go to the hospital, find out where he’d gone. Maybe I could even go there to wherever he’d gone and help.
‘Absolutely not!’ Stacey had said. ‘I know it’s hard, but you need to find a way to get a grip. You cannot go to Africa chasing after him. No matter how much you like him. Remember the famous saying? If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was. I know you’re upset that you didn’t get to speak to him before he left and to find out how he feels, but you still have to maintain that balance. Step back and let him come to you.’
By the Wednesday, two days after he’d left, I was going crazy. I missed Miles so much. The fact that I couldn’t see or speak to him left me feeling hollow. So empty. I knew I should pull back, but I needed him to know how I felt. That I was thinking about him. What if he did get the chance to use his phone? I wanted to at least send him a message, for him to hear my voice and know that I cared. So I tried to send him a voicemail, but his phone was still switched off. I then sent a couple of WhatsApp messages apologising for missing his calls. Explaining that I was in a meeting when he’d phoned, but that I really wanted to speak to him. That I had something important to tell him, hoping that would encourage him to call back, but nothing. And there was still another week to wait until he was back. At least.
Stacey encouraged me to continue dating just in case. But I didn’t want to. I didn’t want anyone else. I wasn’t even interested in seeing Luke. He might have a lot to offer with his good looks, PhD and millions of qualifications, but he wasn’t the man for me.
I considered the goals I’d set at the beginning of the challenge. Luke didn’t adore me, make me laugh, or share my interests or goals, and he wasn’t supportive. The only point he did seem to score on was that he seemed ready to commit to marry me. But I didn’t want to get married for the sake of it, just so that I could tick a box. Love was the most important thing. That had always been the primary objective. I’d got swept up in this marriage fantasy. I wanted someone I could see myself growing old with. A person I’d always be happy to be around, even if we didn’t have any money. Our love for each other would conquer all.
I thought back to my dates with Miles. When we were together, it was like we were in our own world. Our own bubble of happiness. He was reliable and honest and had integrity. All key qualities I’d wished for when setting my goals. We had so much in common. He made me smile. Made me feel like anything was possible. Like I was smart and beautiful. I felt special and adored. Loved. That’s what I’d wanted when I’d started this challenge. And that’s what I’d found with Miles. I’d just been too blinded by Luke to see it.
After dating Luke for seven of the nine weeks I’d been doing this challenge, it was now clear that we didn’t have a future. And even though I hadn’t heard from Miles and I didn’t know what would happen with the two of us or whether he wanted to fully commit, I wasn’t going to bench Luke and just keep him waiting in the wings like all those men used to do to me. I wasn’t going to ghost him or send some lame text message either. Even though we weren’t officially boyfriend and girlfriend, I was going to do the right thing. Meet him face-to-face and tell him the truth.
So that’s what I’d arranged to do. To meet him tonight. To be honest, after work, I just wanted to sit at home with a glass of wine and snuggle up with Cuddles and a good film, but I’d been doing that for the past week and it hadn’t been helping. Every film I watched just reminded me of Miles. I mean, finding a guy that liked to watch romcoms of his own volition was like gold dust in itself. What on earth was I thinking, letting him slip through my fingers?
At least meeting Luke tonight would get me out of the house, albeit to break bad news to him, which I was dreading. I was usually the one being dumped rather than ending things myself, so I wasn’t sure exactly how I’d phrase it. I didn’t want to be mean. Hopefully I’d be able to find the right words and handle it sensitively.
I stood by the riverside on the South Bank, admiring the view of Big Ben and the Houses of Parliament across the Thames as I waited for Luke to meet me. Late again. Perhaps we should have met inside a nearby bar, but I thought i
t was better to have the conversation out in the open. Finally I saw him strolling towards me like he had all the time in the world.
‘Hello, Alexandra,’ said Luke, leaning over to kiss me on the lips. I turned my face so his mouth met my cheek. He didn’t even apologise for being ten minutes late and leaving me out in the cold. ‘Long time. Bet after not seeing me, you’re chomping at the bit by now, aren’t you? What is it now? Week number nine? I saw the longing in your eyes when I left your place last week without kissing you. Your resolve is weakening. Just say the word, and I’ll be there…’ His hand slid down my back and grazed my bum.
What the hell? Why was he acting like this? Was he drunk?
‘Stop!’ I said, pushing his hand away. ‘We need to talk.’
‘Are you sure it’s only talking you’d like to do?’ He winked.
‘So much for being willing to wait!’ I snapped. ‘Look, Luke, I think we should stop seeing each other. Stop dating.’
‘What?’ His eyes popped out of his head. ‘You want to stop dating me? That’s a joke!’
‘I’m sorry?’
‘I’m the one that should be chucking you!’ he growled. ‘All this no-sex nonsense. You’re lucky I’m still here. Most men would have bailed weeks ago.’
My mind was racing. Why was he contradicting what he’d told me before?
‘But you said you were looking for something long-term.’ I frowned. ‘That you saw us going all the way. That you wanted it all. Marriage and kids. You wanted us to get married?’
‘Oh my dear, sweet Alexandra,’ he said, resting his hand on my shoulder and talking to me like I was a four-year-old, ‘you’ve misunderstood my sentiments. My intentions. When I said I saw us going all the way, I meant having full sex. And, yes, I said I wanted it all, the marriage and kids thing, but I didn’t necessarily mean with you. The calling you my wife was just an affectionate term. You know, like calling someone sweetheart or darling. Women seem to like it. Didn’t you notice I stopped calling you my wife ages ago, when I realised you might be taking it too seriously?’
Only When It's Love: A Chick Lit, Romantic Comedy Novel: Holding Out For Mr Right Page 17