I could feel my face starting to burn and my heart beating faster. None of this was making sense.
‘But you said you were direct,’ I replied, my forehead now resembling a wrinkled pug’s. ‘That if you just wanted a fuck, you would have said. That you wouldn’t have spoken about marriage on the first date if you weren’t serious.’
Luke looked at me chuckled. ‘I did say that, and I meant it. If you were just a fuck, like some of my students, for example, we wouldn’t have even have gone out or had a conversation. Some women you sleep with straightaway. Some you keep for longer to make things more interesting. Every woman I agree to go on a date with technically has the potential to be the future Mrs Walton. It’s then just a case of seeing who can hold my attention. And I admit, initially I was intrigued by this holding out game that you were playing. Made me want you more. But now I’m bored,’ he huffed.
‘Seriously?’ I shouted, now unable to contain my anger. ‘You were the one that said you’d wait!’
‘Did I, though?’ He smirked. ‘You’re not a very good listener, are you, Alexandra? If you paid attention, you would have heard me say that I was up for the challenge. I’ve told you on numerous occasions that I like a challenge, haven’t I? The challenge I was referring to was seeing if I could be the first to get you into bed. Break your stupid vow. Get real! I don’t have time to wait six months to sleep with a woman! I have women throwing themselves at me every day. Students, colleagues, even some of the parents. I wouldn’t give all of that up for six months. That’s ludicrous! Even when I’m married I won’t give that up. I told you I want to have it all. Everything. I’ll still always come home to my wife, yes. Divorces are expensive, even with a pre-nup. But men are not designed to be with one woman, Alexandra. It’s a fact. I’m attractive, and women desire me. I’ve been created this way for a reason. I’d be a fool not to make the most of what God has given me,’ he said smugly, running his fingers through his hair. ‘In fact, it would be selfish to deny a woman the opportunity to spend the night with me. Provided I liked her, of course. I try to be a little discerning at least. Then again, it depends on how good the totty supply is that week. Once they’re on their backs with their legs spread and I’m inside them, they pretty much all feel the same. And there’s always doggy-style if I can’t bear to look at their faces.’
Oh my God.
I could not believe what I’d just heard. Luke was vile. He wasn’t drunk. He was just an awful, awful man who was revealing his true colours. My blood was now boiling so much that I was convinced I would spontaneously combust at any moment.
‘You are unbelievable! I don’t think I’ve ever met such a despicable excuse for a man. You’re horrible. A disgusting, arrogant human being. A liar!’
‘Now, now.’ He smirked. ‘That’s not very nice is it Alexandra? You’re throwing a load of insults and then calling me horrible? Seems a bit hypocritical. But then again, you are a hypocrite. You happily date other guys and come to meet me with flowers that one of your himbos has sent you, then get upset when you find out I’ve been fucking other women.’
‘You’ve what?’ I folded my arms angrily.
‘Oops…’ He grinned. ‘We didn’t get to that part yet, did we? My bad. Did you honestly think that every time you left me with a pathetic goodnight kiss, I was going to just go and sit at home sipping cocoa by myself? Wake up, woman! There’s no way I could last seven days without sex, never mind this seven weeks of nonsense we’ve been doing. I don’t know why you’re standing there looking so shocked. It’s not like we ever agreed to be exclusive. Not that I could ever do that, but you know what I mean. You saw other guys, I saw other women. What’s the big deal?’
Although I knew that technically we hadn’t made a formal commitment to each other, so as Laurie had mentioned in the rules, Luke was likely to be seeing other people, I still felt cheated. He’d led me to believe that he thought I was special and wanted to get serious with me. He’d said he would wait. He’d deliberately chosen his words carefully to mislead me. Surely that wasn’t right?
‘I saw other guys, yes, but I didn’t sleep with them.’
‘Semantics,’ he scoffed. ‘What’s the difference? Honestly, Alexandra, I don’t understand the problem. Did I not treat you like a lady? Did I not take you out to the finest places in London? Pay for drinks, meals and taxis home? Did I not respect your wishes to take things slow? Remember, they were your wishes, not mine. I said I’d take things slowly with you. I didn’t say I’d take them slowly with other women.’ He shook his head in disbelief, as if I was the ridiculous one. ‘Like I always said every time you rebuffed my advances: it was your call. I can only offer you a gold bar. If you’re crazy enough not to accept it, then that’s up to you. There are plenty of other women that will. Most put out within hours. I don’t even have to buy them a drink first. Why would I refuse? Everyone knows that once you get married, you have less sex, so why cut back before I get tied down?’
‘I can’t listen to this! I’m too disgusted. Your attitude towards women, is just disgraceful.’
‘Why?’ He frowned. ‘I’ve done nothing wrong. I don’t force myself on these women. You of all people should know that. Is it my fault if they don’t respect themselves enough to say no? If they drop their knickers minutes after we’ve met? If they believe in the fairy-tale of me being their perfect man? Why are you so surprised? I told you. I believe in being direct. Women!’ he huffed. ‘They say they want honesty, but then when you give it to them, they get upset!’
I really needed to leave. I shouldn’t have still been standing there, subjecting myself to his shit. I was getting so worked up that I would either give myself a heart attack or punch him. It was best for both of us if I got away as quickly as possible.
‘Goodbye, Luke!’ I snapped, wrapping my scarf tighter around my neck and pulling my hat down over my ears. ‘And good riddance!’
‘Goodbye, Alexandra,’ he said, staring at me coldly with his hands in his coat pocket. ‘And good luck with your challenge. You’re going to need it. No guy is going to wait that long without getting at least something on the side. If I were you, I’d give up now. Save yourself the torture. It’s not natural, you know. Abstinence can cause all sorts of biological complications in the future. Look it up if you don’t believe me. And when you see sense, and need a good fuck, drop me a line. Maybe I’ll answer. If I’m not busy screwing someone else, of course. I have to admit. I’m a bit disappointed not to have conquered you. Especially after all those weeks of effort. The cooking you a slap-up meal, the deliberately not trying anything on with you at your house to drive you wild with desire. Such a waste. I hate to lose a challenge. Sullies my perfect record. Never mind. Maybe another time. At least seeing you in the afternoon meant I got to fuck the girl from Saturday night again on Sunday morning, then go and see that other woman who’s been hounding me on Tinder after I left your place, so all in all, it was still a productive day.’ He grinned. ‘Don’t be a stranger, eh?’
And I’d thought he was being considerate when he’d suggested meeting in the afternoon to give me a lie-in and offered to come to my place to make it easier for me, when really it was because he knew he’d have a woman staying over. So much for leaving early to prepare for his lectures too. What a bastard.
‘If you were the last man on earth and I hadn’t had sex for six years, I wouldn’t sleep with you.’ I couldn’t bear to listen to him a second longer.
‘Careful…don’t want to burn all your bridges,’ he shouted as I turned on my heels and began to walk away. ‘If you keep up with this stupid challenge, I might well be the only man on earth that will consider giving you and your frigid pussy the time of day.’
‘Aaargghh!’ I screamed, storming towards the station.
Tears started streaming down my cheeks.
How could I have been so stupid? How had I not seen what a total and utter bastard he was? I’d thought those early dates with Eddie and Callum were bad. But at least t
hey’d laid their cards on the table from the beginning. Luke was a hundred—no, a million times worse. He was a wolf in sheep’s clothing. The ultimate snake. I should have seen the signs. He was rude. He never said please or thank you to anyone, and he talked to the waiters like they were shit on his shoes. What a disgusting human being. How could I ever think I could marry someone like that?
And I must have known my spirit didn’t take to him. I’d never suggested that he call me Alex. I asked all my friends to call me Alex. Alexandra is always reserved for strangers. People I didn’t know. That I didn’t feel comfortable with. I’d asked Miles to call me Alex very early on. I remembered. Because I knew he was one of the good guys.
The more I thought about it, the more I saw that Cuddles knew too. She was always a friendly cat. She never missed an opportunity to get lavished with extra attention from visitors. But as soon as Luke had attempted to come near her, she’d run a mile.
Stacey was right. Luke was bad news. And he’d spouted more shit tonight than an overflowing sewer. I didn’t need toxic people like that in my life. I needed someone good, decent and positive. And I’d already found him. In Miles.
Too bad I’d realised that too late.
Chapter Twenty-Three
I should have waited.
Not been so impatient.
I just couldn’t help myself. It felt like it had been an eternity since I’d seen or heard from Miles. Two weeks had now gone by without a word.
No phone calls, and the WhatsApp messages I’d sent were still on a single grey tick. Isn’t that what happens when someone blocks you?
I was desperate to know when he’d be back. I missed Miles so much it hurt. I couldn’t bear to think of never seeing him again. Never seeing that smile that always gave me butterflies. The fact that I had a man that I was now convinced was my Mr Right in front of me and let him go because I was so caught up in the empty words that dickhead had fed me made me feel sick to the stomach. Even now, a week and a half on from that showdown with Luke, I still couldn’t believe that he could be so awful. So manipulative. He was pure evil. Just another fuckboy.
I was feeling pretty low. I’d already messed up by not seizing the opportunity with Miles when I’d had it, and I didn’t want to let him go without feeling like I’d tried everything. Left no stone unturned. I’d obviously phoned and sent messages, but I hadn’t yet attempted to call his work.
Stacey had advised against it. Told me to wait a bit longer to see if he got in contact. But I’d already waited two weeks. I needed to know. So half an hour ago, I’d done it. I’d called and asked to speak to Dr Miller.
‘I’m afraid Miles is still away with Gabby,’ said the bubbly receptionist. ‘I think they’re staying for another two weeks. I’m not sure when they’ll be back. Judging by the photos, they look like they’re having a great trip!’
‘Photos?’ I’d said, my heart racing.
‘Yes! On the AFTF, Aid for the Future Facebook page!’ she gushed. ‘There’s a lovely photo of them both on there. Sorry, who did you say you were? Did you need to arrange an appointment for your child? Dr Holmes is covering Dr Miller’s patients whilst he’s away.’
‘I…I’m…sorry I have to go,’ I’d replied and ended the call. Thank goodness I had withheld my number.
Photos? Of Miles with Gabriella? On Facebook? Having a great time? I thought they were supposed to be working.
My heart started thumping and beads of sweat began to form on my forehead as I launched the app. I searched for Aid for the Future, scrolled through the feed, and sure enough, there was a photo of Miles next to her, grinning with a group of children in front of them.
He looked beautiful. That smile. My stomach flipped.
Then I felt my blood run cold.
They both looked happy. Together. Gabriella’s skin glowed and her long hair was all glossy. How was it so shiny in that heat and without access to a cabinet full of styling products?
It’s over, isn’t it? I bet they’ve fallen madly in love again and he’s completely forgotten all about me.
I slumped myself down on the empty park bench opposite the big oak tree. A gust of biting wind hit my face. It was freezing out here, but I didn’t care. I felt a wave of sadness rising through my body. Tears started rolling down my cheeks. I’d blown it. I’d finally met a decent man and I’d fucked up.
‘Alex? Alex, what’s wrong?’ I looked up to see Stacey standing in front of me, clutching a sandwich.
‘I’ve lost him, Stacey. He’s back with Gabriella.’
‘What?’ She frowned as she sat down beside me.
‘Look at them,’ I said, thrusting my phone in front of her face and pointing at the photo, which was still up on my screen. ‘Together.’
‘Yeah?’ She looked puzzled. ‘It’s a photo of them and the children. I don’t get it. Did you hear from Miles? Did he call and tell you he doesn’t want to see you anymore?’
‘No. I still haven’t heard from him,’ I said, hanging my head.
‘So who told you they’re back together?’
‘The receptionist at the hospital.’
‘The receptionist at the hospital told you Miles and Gabby are an item?’
‘Not exactly. She said they’re having a great trip. That they’re staying another two weeks, at least.’
‘And…?’ Stacey frowned. ‘Oh my God, Alex! Don’t tell me that you’ve taken her innocent comment and are jumping to conclusions that Miles still loves Gabby?’
‘Well, is it so ridiculous?’ I crossed my arms like a sulking teenager. ‘It could happen! It’s not impossible!’
‘Not impossible, Alex, no, but no more possible than him not being in love with her! They broke up, remember? You don’t even know how well they do or don’t get on these days. In fact, you don’t know anything about this trip, so it’s really dangerous to jump to such big conclusions.’
‘But he hasn’t returned any of my calls or messages! He can post photos on Facebook, which requires an internet connection, so why can’t he call or message?’
‘If this was on his Facebook page rather than the organisation’s, I might say that you had a valid point, but anyone could have taken this photo and posted it from another location. And he did say on his voice message that he didn’t know when he’d be back or if his phone would be working.’
Stacey was trying to be logical. I knew what she said technically made sense, but I was hurting. And a broken heart didn’t care about technicalities.
‘That was probably just to cover his arse. There must be some form of technology. He must be able to find somewhere that his phone could work. I think he’s Caspering me.’
‘Caspering?’ Her frown deepened.
‘Yeah. I’ve been doing research in the evenings about men and dating. It’s supposed to be the “nicer” way to ghost someone. You let them down gently before disappearing. So Miles leaving a message to say he didn’t know when he’d be back was just his way of saying he didn’t want to see me again.’
‘Oh my God, Alex,’ said Stacey, shaking her head.
‘And then there’s the Slow Fade. When a guy isn’t interested in taking things further, but instead of saying so, just gradually cuts ties. He stops responding to texts and calls, and eventually all communication ends.’
‘This is exactly why I said you shouldn’t call the hospital and that you should continue dating! You’re just sitting at home night after night by yourself, going on these websites and driving yourself crazy! The internet is a dangerous place when you’re vulnerable. It’s like when you have an ache or pain and you google it and end up on a site that basically tells you you’re dying. I know the combination of missing Miles and the run-in with that giant arsehole Luke has made you feel really shitty, but you’ve got to carry on with your life. If you’re not up for dating again, fair enough, but at least find something else to do. Whether you’re in a relationship or not, whether Miles comes back to you or doesn’t, it’s really important to k
eep your own interests.’
I caught myself for a second. Shit. Listening to Stacey’s reaction, saying everything out loud, listening to myself, hearing all those words tumble from my lips made me realise how far I’d fallen. I’d got sucked into a destructive cycle of self-hatred and paranoia. I’d been obsessing over Miles. Going over and over what I should have done and what I should have said, when the reality was that it had happened, and sitting at home night after night torturing myself was only going to make things worse. I had to find a way to climb out of this hole.
I took a deep breath.
‘I know I’ve got to get a grip.’ I sighed. ‘The truth is, I’m just finding this really hard. I’ve really fallen for Miles, and I really felt like he liked me too.’
‘I’m sure he does. He’s probably just so busy over there. It really could be as simple as that.’
‘Maybe…’
‘You’ve got some eyeliner on your cheek.’ Stacey pulled a mirror and a fresh tissue from her bag. I stared at my reflection.
Look at me. Fake hair, fake eyelashes and all this make-up. Who was I really? I was hiding behind a mask. Convinced that I needed to look a certain way to get a man. It hadn’t helped, though, had it? And as for this self-pity, this crying, it was embarrassing. I couldn’t go on like this.
‘Enough!’ I shouted, slapping myself round the face.
‘Ouch!’ said Stacey, feeling the pain for me.
‘Enough of this wallowing!’ I jumped up off the bench. ‘Enough sitting at home stuffing my face with chocolates, watching films and surfing the internet. It’s time to sort my life out. Starting with getting back in shape. I’ve existed on a diet of pizza, crisps, Coke and other shit for the past two weeks. No more. I look like shit and I feel like shit. Enough of this shit! I’m going back to the gym tonight, and I’m going to have a good workout.’
Only When It's Love: A Chick Lit, Romantic Comedy Novel: Holding Out For Mr Right Page 18