Riding Standing Up

by Sparrow Spaulding

  I was excitedly nervous when Ed came to the door. I was glad I had slathered on extra deodorant because I instantly broke into a sweat. This was dinner, not the prom, but my nervous system said otherwise.

  “Hi dahlin’, look at you,” Ed said as he scooped me up for one of his bear hugs. I melted into him and held on like my life depended on it. When I finally broke away Ed went over and hugged Mom.

  “Have fun,” she said cheerfully as we left. Luckily for us she was smitten with Ed herself. He was the kind of person that everyone wanted to be around, like some kind of human magnet.

  “Where are we going tonight?” I asked as we were driving down the road, holding hands and talking about our week.

  “I thought we would do dinner first and then see,” Ed replied, smiling. He seemed just as excited to see me which warmed my insides. I wondered what we would do after dinner, feeling guilty that I wasn’t old enough to go to a bar or go dancing like women his age. In an instant I went from feeling elated to feeling small. What does he see in me? I wondered, feeling like a little girl playing dress up. I looked down at my cream-colored floral shirt and jeans. Even though I was a smart dresser for the sticks I was convinced that Boston girls way out-classed me and let’s face it— their rosebuds were probably in full bloom.

  I was still feeling self-conscious as we entered the steak house, but my insecurity faded as I sat across from Ed and held his hand at the table. I ordered a Sprite and he got a beer, and we sat and talked about everything under the sun. Government, politics, religion, all the things we talked about during those late night phone conversations. We were still on the same page about everything, which was enchanting. Then it took an interesting turn.

  “So, whose car are you driving?” I asked when he grabbed his keys and started playing with them at the table. He had picked me up in a sporty red two-door which was a far cry from the Delta 88 but I was so excited to see him I had forgotten to ask.

  “Oh, uh, it belongs to a friend.” Ed looked uncomfortable. Just then I happened to notice the key chain and it was distinctly feminine.

  “Is this friend a girl?” My stomach hit the floor.

  “Uh...yeah.” Edward shifted in his seat, well, squirmed was more like it.

  I got the big picture. Shit. Shit Fuck. Dammit!

  “You’re seeing her, aren’t you?” I was pinching my hand under the table so I wouldn’t cry. A useful trick I had learned years ago in grade school when Mrs. Hatch yelled at me.

  “Well, yes, I have been. I guess we haven’t talked about being exclusive,” he added, as if that made driving hours to see me in another woman’s car less egregious.

  “No, I guess we haven’t.” I pushed down the anger and sadness attempting to engulf me with one giant gulp of air. Instead of crying, or yelling or storming out like I wanted to I looked away and played with my soda straw, pushing it in and pulling it out of the glass as if it were less boring than our conversation.

  “Hey, look at me.” Ed grabbed my face and brought it up to eye level. “I’m breaking it off with her when I get back. I would have done it sooner but I wanted to borrow the car,” he said in his best Boston accent, which didn’t get to me at all until he said “caaaaah.”

  “Oh really?” I turned my head, nose in the air. “And what’s this girl’s name?” I just had to know.

  “Her name’s Trish.”

  Trish. Trish? It pissed me off that he didn’t say her full name. Like her parents really named her Trish. Her name was probably Tricia, or Patricia, but he called her Trish. Why? Because he was banging her? Because they were homies? He sure did seem comfortable playing with those keys, just like they were his.

  “Well, she’s awfully nice to let you borrow her car. Are you sure you want to just drop her like that?” He deserved the sarcasm.

  “Aww, come on, don’t be like that. Trish is a very nice girl but I’m breaking up with her for one reason.” Ed grabbed my hand.

  Ugh. There’s that tingly feeling again.

  “What’s this big reason?” I asked, still unable to look him in the eye.

  “I’m ending it with her because I want to be with you.” Ed grabbed my other hand firmly and clasped them both together. “I want you to be my girl, Sparrow. Please say yes.” His gaze was intense and I was no match for it. He had superpower heat ray vision and was boring into me, melting the years and years of ice that had formed in parts of my heart I didn’t know existed. Now I knew what people meant when they said they turned into a puddle. Was I going to let him have this much control over me?

  “Of course I’ll be your girl.” Trish who? At that moment I was the only girl alive, certainly the only girl Ed had ever laid eyes on.

  “Come on, let’s get outta here.” Ed paid the check and ushered me out before I could blink twice.

  “Where are we going?” I asked once we had made it to the car.

  “You’ll see,”

  He was so cool and in control. I looked over and wanted to run my fingers through his hair while he was driving but I decided against it. Where was he taking me? I was clueless, until we pulled in.

  “I got us a room, babe, so we can have some time alone.” Ed jumped out to come around and open my car door. I half-smiled as he grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the car. The Motor Inn. I had passed this place dozens of times over the years and had never considered that one day I would venture inside.

  “I’ve already checked in, our room is this way.” Ed grinned as he guided me to room 102.

  The room was small but decent. The decor was eighties but so were the times. Ed had gone to the liquor store earlier and picked up some beers.

  “You want one?” he asked as he popped a top.

  “Yeah, sure.” I took one from him, thankful that he had gotten bottles instead of cans.

  “Come talk to me.” Ed plopped onto the bed and his hand patted where he wanted me to sit.

  “What do you want to talk about?” I asked, smiling, already feeling the Bud Light kicking in. I climbed on the bed and laid my head on his shoulder. How could I have thought about being angry at this man for even a moment? It was obvious he went to so much trouble to come see me and now I was his girl. What’s her face will be gone as soon as he returns that car. Wait, why did he have to borrow her car in the first place? I decided I didn’t need to know. I wasn’t going to wreck this magic moment.

  Ed didn’t want to talk at all. He grabbed my face and leaned in to kiss me. I felt it everywhere and knew where this was going. I was thankful I was fully groomed and shaved in all the right places. I had hoped this moment would happen and was relieved it wasn’t in a car again, especially since the car belonged to that girl, not to mention it had bucket seats, which I couldn’t imagine would be any kind of comfortable.

  Ed unbuttoned my shirt, taking his time with each button. He was almost too gentle, as if I were a doll and he didn’t want to break me. Part of me relished his soft touch and the other part of me wanted him to be more forceful. He brought out something primal in me and I didn’t want to hold it back. I had been trying hard for months to hold back the intensity of my anger and disappointment at home and I wanted to be able to let myself go with Ed. Why did he make my heart beat so fast? Why did he make me more than a little dizzy when he smiled at me? When he kissed me I knew he would be the last man I shared DNA with.

  I was convinced this was what love was. It had to be. I thought I had been in love with Alex but realized I felt loved, which was amazing, but there was no way I could have been in love with him when I didn’t have these physical sensations. Or maybe it was a peaceful kind of love, which was something I knew nothing about. This thing with Ed was anything but peaceful. In fact it was the opposite of peaceful; it was frenetic. Every single one of my cells did a dance when he touched me. I thought I was a terrible kisser because when he kissed me I almost stopped breathing. I was afraid I’d hyperventilate so I pulled away before I wanted to for fear of having a full on panic attack on his face. B
ut tonight was different. I was ready to go there, and the Bud Light was helping.

  I shagged Edward like it was the last time I would ever see him. I’ll bet even Trish doesn’t do it like this, I thought more than once. I grabbed his face, licked his ears, bit his neck and even clawed his back a little. I didn’t make it on top of him but it didn’t matter. I definitely proved my skills worthy in the bedroom, well, one-room motel, but still. I wore his ass out.

  “Wow, Sparrow.” He had just rolled off me and was lying on his back breathing hard. I enjoyed watching his chest go up and down with each breath and was proud that I had turned him into a mouth breather. I didn’t come but I was close and that was good enough for me. I guess I wasn’t ready to fully let myself go, but I knew I would be one day.

  Ed got up to dispose of the condom and clean himself off. When he came back I snuggled into his chest and ran my fingers through his chest hairs. He didn’t have many but most of them were already gray. I chalked it up to his tough childhood and briefly wondered if I was going to go gray myself soon.

  “I need to get you home,” Ed said.

  “I know,” I whispered, not wanting the night to end. I wanted to enjoy every moment with this man. This was just like talking on the phone and not being able to hang up only worse because our naked bodies were stuck together and I had no idea how to unstick them.

  “What’s that smell?” Edward asked, suddenly, as he lifted his head and stuck his nose in the air, sniffing like a dog that smells a steak cooking. “Did you fart?” he asked, laughing. Only he said “faht” in that thick Boston accent that somehow made the word even more offending.

  “No, of course not!” I was aghast. I definitely didn’t fart, but if I had I would have still denied it. But now I was mortified that he actually thought I did. “Smell my ass,” I offered as I turned and shoved it in his face. “See? Roses,” I added, before realizing that it was just his clever way of unsticking us. Sometimes even real men revert to boyish tactics, I suppose.

  It worked. My chemical romance high was dulled instantly and I got up to get dressed.

  “Yeah, I had better get home,” I said, though I would have given anything to stay and fall asleep on Ed’s chest, at the Motor Inn on the hardest, creakiest bed I had ever shagged on.

  The car ride home was mostly silent. We held hands and I dozed off a few times, doing that bobble-head thing you do when you are trying to stay awake so the other person doesn’t fall asleep while driving.

  “Hey, Miss Sparrow, we’re here,” Edward said, gently touching my shoulder.

  Damn, I fell asleep after all.

  “I had a great time tonight.” He leaned in and kissed my forehead before getting out to walk around and open my door. We held hands as he walked me to the back door and gave me one of his famous lift-me-off-the-ground bear hugs. “I’ll call ya soon, babe,” he whispered in my ear as he put me back down.

  “Okay,” I mouthed, smiling yet choking back some tears. I hated watching Ed drive away. It literally created a pain in my heart and made it hard to breathe. This love thing is intense, I thought as I let myself in and bee-lined to the bookcase in the living room. Mom had some books about love and relationships and I needed to learn more about what was happening to me.

  Chapter 21

  It didn’t take long to confirm I was definitely in love with Ed. Hopelessly, madly in love with the man. It was unsettling because I didn’t know exactly how he felt about me. I knew he liked me, but clearly he was seeing another girl. Would he really stop dating her? I wasn’t adept at trusting anyone, let alone boys, let alone adults, let alone men. I didn’t like how this love thing was taking control of me. Sure I had been boy crazy before, but this was different. This was unraveling me.

  I did what any level-headed girl who wanted to keep herself intact would do; I dated other guys. I was still getting attention from boys at school and until Edward professed his undying love for me, it was still open season. Sure I had agreed to be his “girl” but he hadn’t used the “L” word so technically I was still single. Kind of. In any event I was still going to date boys and maybe kiss them but I definitely wouldn’t shag them or even come close. But I would keep myself distracted enough so that if Ed broke my heart it wouldn’t completely wreck me. It sounds crazy now but it made sense at the time.

  The first guy I set my sights on was a Sicilian boy named Lance. I’m not sure who named him Lance and why he wasn’t a Luigi or an Angelo because he sure looked the part. He was dark-skinned with jet black hair and was the hairiest boy at school. I didn’t get any kind of butterflies around him, which was perfect since my heart was already taken. Lance dumped me pretty quickly, however, after being at a party one night where he tried to shag and I said no, grazi. I was sticking to the deal in my head that I would “date” boys but not sleep with them. Besides, Lance smelled just like my grandpa, which was a major turnoff. They were the same ethnicity and I had read somewhere once that if someone’s smell turns you off it means that your genes are too much alike and you shouldn’t procreate because you could end up with a three-headed baby. Even if I hadn’t been in love with Ed I couldn’t possibly have done it with Lance because what if the condom broke and I ended up with a three-headed Monchhichi?

  The next guy who grabbed my attention was James Davidson. James had blond, curly hair, pale skin and was on the wrestling team—the exact opposite of my type, which also made him perfect. We had some of the same friends and found ourselves hanging out together on occasion. One night I was with my new friend Amy and we were picking up some kids to go to a party. We picked up James first and he asked Amy to pick up everyone else while he and I would walk over to the gym and meet up with everyone there.

  James suggested we walk through the cemetery on the way to the gym and I agreed. It was an old cemetery dating back to the 1700s and I was never sure why it was on school grounds. There weren’t any street lights so it was dark but my eyes soon adjusted and I could at least see a little in front of me. We found a bench and sat so we could drink the beers I had stuffed in the pockets of some very baggy pants I was wearing. We talked about it being our senior year and what our plans were after graduation. After a few minutes he leaned over to kiss me and I let him. I was enjoying making out with someone who didn’t agitate my cells. I almost preferred not feeling anything to the intensity I had with Ed.

  Before long James tried to put his hand up my shirt and I stopped him. “Hey, let’s take this slow,” I said, grabbing his hand and putting it back on his lap. Before I knew what was happening he threw me down on the ground and in a millisecond had his penis out and in my face, trying to force it in my mouth. I was on my back, lying on someone’s headstone, which I had hit my head on, but not hard enough to make me stop thinking. Shit, how am I gonna get out of this? I fought James off with all my might.

  I kept turning my head to avoid his dick, still in shock that this was happening with someone I considered a friend. When he realized I wasn’t going to eat it he quickly changed to plan B and ripped my zipper open to go for the gold. As soon as he took his hands off my arms I reached around on the ground to see what I could find to throw at him. I grabbed a handful of dirt and threw it in his face, which meant it went in my face too but I closed my eyes and turned my head, so he got most of it. He sat up to rub his eyes, giving me time to feel around and find a good-sized rock that I used to bash his right temple. I bashed hard.

  At this point he was dazed enough for me to roll out from underneath him and claw my way to freedom. I was agile and on my feet before he knew what was happening. I ran just as fast as that day in the swamp when I thought Dad was going to blow me to bits and I felt like a superhero jumping over some headstones and running around others. I briefly wondered if there were any ghosts hanging around watching this horror show. I never looked back and didn’t stop running until I came to the entrance of the gym, where everyone was waiting.

  “What happened to you?” Amy asked, picking leaves and twigs out
of my hair. I was breathing hard and couldn’t catch my breath enough to answer, so I stood there panting like a dog.

  “Whoa, that was a close one, wasn’t it, Sparrow?” James said, also panting.

  Oh my fucking stars he followed me.

  “The cops pulled in and we decided to run from them, right Sparrow?” I looked around at my six friends, all staring at me, one of them being Trent, my ex. There was no way I was going to tell all these people what really happened.

  “Yeah, that was a close one,” I said, not lying.

  “Really, Sparrow?” Trent pointed to my wide-open broken zipper. “Nice,” he added, as he walked away, shaking his head. Trent thought I was in the cemetery shagging James. Could this be any worse?

  I tried to cover it up with some ridiculous story about how I was trying to pee and my zipper broke but it was clear everyone thought James and I did it. Fucking great. On top of that I had to spend the evening with a would-be rapist, pretending everything was just peachy.

  “Who wants to smoke a bowl?” I asked, changing the subject. I happened to have some weed in my purse, and we all piled into Amy’s car and got high. The worst part was that wanker smoked my bud.

  I realized that my brilliant plan of dating other boys was just a waste of time and could possibly get me knocked up or worse, so I gave in to love and focused exclusively on Ed. He never would have treated me like a piece of meat or tried to hurt me in any way. I never reported James to school or to the authorities, which was a total mistake. I only told one friend who thought I had better keep my mouth shut or else I would ruin my reputation. I decided he was probably right. I didn’t tell Ed because I think he would have murdered the kid, who I later found out was totally tripping on acid that night. Or at least that was the story.

  Ed was coming to Maine more and more. He had family not far from me— an aunt and a few cousins, including one named Drake who attended my school. Drake was a year older than me and a total burnout. He was sweet but trouble and everyone knew it. He had nicknamed me M&M the year before when we were riding the bus home together.