Regretting You

by Beck, J. L.

  “You’ll be trying for a while then.” I cross my arms over my chest, irritated and ready to go home.

  “Do your worst to me, Kennedy, god knows, I deserve it. Push me away, hate me, fight me, draw my blood, and rip my damn heart out, but I’m not going anywhere. I will be here every day, as a rock you can lean on or a damn post you can whip your anger at.”

  I don’t tell him what he says makes me smile.

  I don’t tell him anything. I don’t react at all.

  I just walk away, heading toward my apartment and allow him to think whatever he wants to think. I won’t let Jackson know a damn thing, because I’m not interested in heartbreak warfare. I’m interested in living because I’m done simply surviving.

  29

  Jackson

  My back is one giant ache. It’s so stiff I can barely move around. I feel like an old man needing a cane to walk, grunting every time I stand up straight. Sleeping on Kennedy’s couch is killing me, but I’d rather take this pain ten times over than leave her.

  Kennedy hasn’t talked to me much, she tries to ignore me most of the time, but at least she doesn’t tell me to leave anymore. She gave up on that a few days ago when she finally realized I’m not going anywhere.

  The only time we’ve been separated is when one of us is in class. I skipped all my classes for a week, so I could take and pick her up from each of hers, but I knew I couldn’t do that forever. I’m planning to start going back this week. I just wanted to give Kennedy a chance to get back into the swing of things.

  Twisting and turning on the couch, I try to get comfortable even though I know there is no way. Defeated, I roll off onto the ground and stretch out. It’s not as soft as the couch, but at least I can lie flat and don’t have to tuck my legs in.

  Closing my eyes, I wonder if Kennedy would let me buy her a new, more comfortable couch. Or maybe I could get her to move into my apartment, where we’d have more space. Yeah right.

  I’m about to fall asleep when my phone buzzes on the coffee table. I grab it and see Talon’s name flashing on the screen. What does he want now? I push the green answer button and hold the phone to my ear.

  “What’s up?”

  “Hey, loser. You’re not in bed, are you? You sound like you’re half asleep.”

  “I’m trying to go to sleep, but some asshole called me.”

  “Dude, it’s not even ten.”

  “Kennedy goes to bed early, and I don’t want to keep her up while I watch TV,” I explain, not caring about how much I sound like a pussy.

  “Okay, Grandpa. I’m really only calling to tell you that your friend is still at the hospital. He’s awake, but he hasn’t said anything. Told the cops, he was mugged by two guys in an alley. Didn’t see their faces, of course. I don’t think you have to worry about him.”

  “I wasn’t worried about him. He should be worried about me since when he gets out of the hospital, I’ll be planning on putting him right back in it. Or maybe I’ll kill him this time. He deserves it for what he did to Kennedy.”

  “I know, man… I know.” I told Talon what Tylor did when Kennedy was in the hospital. I had to tell someone, and I needed Talon to understand. “I’ll keep you updated on the situation. If anything changes, you’ll be the first one to know.”

  “Thanks, man.”

  “Night, night, Grandpa,” Talon says, chuckling before the line goes dead.

  I place my phone back on the table and hear movement at the bedroom door. Craning my neck, I look up and see Kennedy standing there, leaning against the door jamb like she’s been standing there for a while.

  “What did you do to Tylor?” she asks, confirming my suspicions of her standing there for a bit.

  “What I should have done a long time ago. He fought me in the pit. When he was losing, he thought telling me what he did to you would throw me off. Distract me enough to give him a chance to win. Instead, it did the opposite, and I almost beat him to death. He’s still in the hospital recovering.”

  Her hazel eyes go wide, and she stands up a little straighter. “You did what? Why? What if he tells the police?”

  Feeling smug, I almost laugh. It’s like she actually cares about me.

  “Don’t worry, bug. He won’t say shit. He already talked to the police. Told them he got mugged. Case closed.”

  “Why would you do something like that?”

  “He hurt you. That’s reason enough. I would gladly kill him. Matter of fact, I would go to the hospital right now and end his life if you asked me to. If his death would help you get rid of your demons, then I would make it happen.” I would do all of it, consequences be damned. If I had to spend the rest of my life in prison just so he wouldn’t take another breath, I would.

  I mean every single word I say, and Kennedy knows it too. I can see it in her eyes, she believes me. Even if she doesn’t want to believe that I’m changing, that I’m not going anywhere, that I’m in this for the long haul, she sees it.

  “Why are you on the floor?” she asks, changing the subject.

  “Your couch is comfortable to sit on, but there isn’t enough room for me to lie flat, so I moved to the carpet. It’s fine though, don’t worry about me.” I almost slap myself in the face after I say it. My back is killing me.

  “Oh, okay.” She turns around and starts walking back into her bedroom. She only takes one step before twisting back around. “If you swear not to touch me, I’ll let you sleep in my bed with me.”

  I have to bite the inside of my cheek, so I don’t grin like a fool. “Okay. I swear. No touching, only sleeping.”

  “I’m serious, Jackson, touch me, and I’ll murder you in your sleep.”

  Her threat makes me smile, and I climb up off the floor. Grabbing my blanket and pillow, I follow her into her room. I watch her climb into the bed and curl up on one side. I get in on the other, making sure there is a good amount of space between us while I get comfortable, stretching my aching limbs. My back is already thanking me for accepting her offer.

  She turns off the light, drowning the room into darkness.

  “Good night, Kennedy,” I whisper, pulling the blanket up to my shoulders.

  “Good night,” she whispers back.

  It takes me some time to fall asleep, but when I do, it’s with her floral scent deep in my nose and the warmth of her body close to mine.

  30

  Kennedy

  Everything seems to fall back into place, the only difference is I have a six-foot-two-inch guy that sleeps beside me every night. Jackson has taken up permanent residency as my roommate. I stopped telling him to leave me alone, mainly because it was a waste of my time and annoying since he didn’t listen anyway.

  I find my way back into a routine. School, homework, eat, sleep… there is only one thing that’s been missing. Since that night, I haven’t cut myself. It was part of my life for so long. Part of my day, really. Even with me going to therapy, I struggle every day. It was more than a bad habit—it was an addiction. One that I can’t just turn off.

  I promised myself and my family that I wouldn’t cut myself again, and I haven’t… but I have been picking at the scabs. It still gives me some of the pain, some of the release I crave. Problem is, now the scabs are healed.

  Standing naked in front of the bathroom mirror, I probe at the pink skin where the largest cut was. I press my finger down as hard as I can, but the release never comes. I stand inside the bathroom for a long time, fighting with myself on what to do. I took the razor blades out of the medicine cabinet, but I hid a few under the sink. Maybe I can just make a tiny cut––

  “Kennedy,” Jackson’s voice comes through the closed door, startling me. I jerk away from the door, my boobs bouncing as I do. “You okay in there?”

  “Y-Yes… ah, I’ll be right out.”

  “Are you sure you’re okay? You’ve been in there forever.” His tone holds an accusation, and I know what he thinks. What’s really fucked up is that I’m mad at him for thinking that I’m
in here cutting myself, even though that’s exactly what I was thinking about.

  Having the urge to prove to him that I wasn’t, I unlock the door and pull it open without thinking.

  “See, I’m fine,” I snap.

  His mouth pops open, but no words come out. His eyes go wide as his heated gaze roams my naked body.

  “I want sex,” I blurt out, and his gaze snaps back up to mine. I know without a doubt, he wants it too. If the lust in his eyes didn’t give him away, the growing bulge in his pants would.

  “Are you sure?” he says, licking his lips like he just ordered a porterhouse steak.

  “Yes. I want you to fuck me. Like you did the first time.”

  His face falls. “You want me to hurt you?” It’s more of a statement than a question, and I hate that he can read me so well.

  I shrug. “Maybe just a little.”

  Instead of answering, he grabs my waist, lifts me up, and throws me over his shoulder like a freaking caveman. “What the hell are you doing?”

  He just chuckles and carries me to the bedroom, where he deposits me onto my mattress. I watch as he starts taking off his own clothes, enjoying every second of the little show he is giving me. My mouth goes dry while moisture builds between my thighs. I almost forgot what kind of effect Jackson has on me.

  “Spread your legs for me,” he orders, his voice deep and raspy.

  I do as he says and spread out for him, showing him how much I want this right now, how much I want him. I’m completely exposed. Vulnerable, not only physically but mentally too. I don’t want to admit it to myself or him, but I’ve been depending on him. Every day, I lean on him a little more, even if I don’t mean to. I don’t understand it at all. I’ve been trying to push him away when, in reality, I would be worse off without him.

  Crawling onto the bed, his naked body hovers above mine. He’s so close, I could reach out and touch him, and so I do. Lifting my hands, I run my fingertips over his hard chest and the chiseled abs. His jaw pops, and he hisses through his teeth.

  He’s enjoying this more than he’s letting on.

  “I’ll never miss an opportunity to be inside of you, but I won’t hurt you. Not now or ever again. I know you’re struggling. I know you want to cut and hurt yourself again, but I won’t let that happen. I will make you feel good in a different way… make you forget. Okay?”

  I nod my head before the last word even leaves his mouth. I want that so badly… I want him so badly. All I need is one second, one single second of silence, and I can continue going. Lowering himself, he blankets my body with his. I can’t help but moan when his hard erection presses against my center.

  “I’ll never get used to how responsive you are to me, soaked and begging for my cock.” He buries his face in the crook of my neck and sucks on the skin, eliciting a moan from deep within my chest out of me.

  Balancing himself on one arm, he snakes a hand between my legs, his fingertips graze my folds, and I mewl like a cat in heat. It’s almost embarrassing how badly I want him right now.

  Panting against the shell of my ear, he growls, “So wet, you’re like a waterfall, gushing your sweet arousal all over my fingers.”

  “I need you,” I murmur, grabbing onto his biceps, sinking my nails into them.

  “Fuck, bug.” The arousal, in his words, zings through me. Giving in to my need, he lines himself up at my entrance and slowly pushes in. Lifting my hips, I try to get him to move faster, deeper, but he just shifts with me and continues moving at an agonizingly slow pace.

  “Please, Jackson,” I whimper, hoping to win him over.

  “I’m going to make this last because I don’t know when you’ll let me do this again,” he murmurs against my skin while sliding inside of me to the hilt.

  I wrap my arms and legs around him, pulling him even closer until there is no space between us. Until his breaths and heartbeat become mine. Until we’re one, encapsulated in time.

  Every stroke fills me, heals me, and as the pleasure overtakes the pain, I feel my mind and body forgetting, letting go.

  “I want to be inside you forever,” Jackson whispers against my lips.

  “Yes, don’t stop.” I lift my hips and press my heels into his ass, urging him to go faster, but he doesn’t rush, doesn’t move any faster. He takes me slow and steady, bringing me to the edge of pleasure over and over again, making it impossible for me to feel anything but him.

  After I’ve come two times, and we’re covered in sweat, Jackson ups his pace a little and explodes deep inside of me. The warmth of his seed inside me gives me a strange comfort. Rolling off of me, Jackson drops to the mattress beside me.

  Breathing heavily, we both lie on our backs, staring up at the ceiling. I feel drained but in a good way. I’m content, happy, sated… but I know I won’t feel this way for long.

  As the fog of lust is lifted, and my endorphin-filled brain slowly returns to normal, the familiar feeling of dread returns. The urge to go into the bathroom and find a blade is on my mind yet again. It’s the one thing I can rely on. When it all becomes too much, one cut shuts it off. I don’t want to die, that’s not what this is about. I need something to help me cope.

  I can’t rely on my parents, I don’t have any friends, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust Jackson again. He might be here now, but how long will that last? How long before he changes his mind, how long before he realizes I’m too broken to be fixed?

  Tears run down my face without my permission. I try to hide that I’m crying, holding in a sob, my chest cracking, the pain radiating outward, but of course, Jackson looks over to me.

  “Are you crying?” He shifts onto his side and pulls me toward him, so we’re facing each other. “What’s wrong, bug? Tell me.”

  “I love you,” I cry out. “But I can’t do this. I can’t trust you, not after everything that happened between us. I can’t let myself love you and depend on you, knowing that you could leave any day. I need more, something that I don’t think you can give me.”

  “I love you too, Kennedy, and I’m not going anywhere. I know I fucked up. Trust me, I know, but I’m not leaving.” He cradles my face with his big hands and uses his thumbs to wipe away some of the tears. He knows I’m fragile, and I’ve already trusted him once. I can’t let myself down again. I can’t forget the power that he holds, how with the snap of his fingers, he could be gone again.

  “I can’t forget what you said that day,” I confess. “I can’t forget you standing next to Tylor and saying those things to me. I can’t forget how you looked at me…”

  Without another word, he pulls me into his arms and holds me tight against his chest. “I’m so sorry. You will never know how sorry I am. I know I can’t erase what I said and what I did to you, but I will never leave you again. I will prove it to you. I don’t care how long it takes for you to forgive me. I don’t even care if you never fully forgive me. I would deserve it. But I will not let you down again.”

  Sucking in a deep breath, I let his scent surround me, let him engulf me and care for me.

  I give him part of my heart, hoping he will handle it with care this time. Because I don’t know if I can survive another heartbreak.

  Epilogue

  One Year Later

  “Isn’t it weird being with two guys?” I ask Stella as we sit down with our trays.

  “I mean, at first it was a little difficult. Easton and Cam are intense even on their best days. I knew I was meant to be with both of them, but finding an ease into how, and which ways, was tough. We’ve managed though.” Stella beams over her shoulder at Easton.

  Just as I pop a grape into my mouth, Jackson swoops in, taking the seat on the other side of me. He places his hand on my thigh, and I welcome his touch, the warmth it brings, the pleasure. Twisting to face him, I smile at him, leaning in to kiss his full lips.

  I almost choke on my grape, but it pops back into my mouth a second before I start to panic.

  “I guess you know all abo
ut rough starts. I’m glad you two were able to figure things out.”

  “We’re complicated,” Jackson tells her, grabbing a piece of food off my tray while his green eyes find mine.

  “Yeah, love is complicated,” Stella says with a smirk. “You belong together just like I belong with Easton and Cam.”

  Agreeing with her, I nod. I’m so glad that I’ve found happiness. Jackson didn’t lie to me when he said no matter what he was staying. His dedication made it painfully obvious that getting rid of him wasn’t going to be easy.

  I couldn’t forgive him so easily, not until I was ready, and one year later, I think I’m finally there. We’ve lived together for a year, sleeping in the same bed, having sex, and healing each other, but we never put a label on anything.

  “I want to meet up and do a double date or something. With half days for classes, I’m so bored,” Stella groans.

  “Well, not everyone is a genius like you and gets to take half days for classes,” I tease. My friendship with Stella is one of my favorite things. Having a near-death experience lets you think about things differently. So, when she approached me to see how I was after my cutting incident, I took her up on her offer of coffee. We’ve been friends ever since.

  “See, babe, we aren’t the only ones who think you’re beyond smart,” Easton says, tugging her into his side. I can see how much he loves her, how he would go to the ends of the earth to protect her, and back again. It’s a lot like how Jackson looks at me.

  “Shut up and stop trying to get into my panties,” she says, laughing, and Easton’s gaze turns possessive.

  “We both know I wouldn’t have to try, baby.” The drop in his voice even makes me shiver. Jackson notices and grips my thigh a little tighter, drawing my attention back to him.

  “All right, let’s go… I’ll talk to you soon. We all definitely need to hang out more,” Stella says as she gets up from the table. Easton follows behind her like a puppy, giving me a wink.