Because today had been so intensely wonderful it had brought home once again how much she had to lose.
Someday, I’ll be there.
And what would she do if he was? Crawl into a bathroom and huddle on the cold tiles until he went away? Let him ruin her life as he had tried to do at that cabin? She couldn’t do that because now the stakes were so much greater.
Stop shaking, dammit. It was just another battle she had to win. Take deep breaths, and try to think of a way to do it.
Someday, I’ll be there.
12:38 A.M.
No more hesitation, Cara thought as she stared at the clock on the nightstand. She shouldn’t have had to lie here in bed, tense and on edge as she’d done for the last few hours. The decision had been made, and now she only had to execute it.
Only?
Just do it. She sat up in bed and swung her legs to the floor. She slipped on her terry robe over her nightshirt, and she was dialing Jock as she crossed the room to the door.
“Cara?” he answered immediately. “Okay?”
“No.” She opened her door. “But we have to make it okay. I’m leaving my room now, and I’ll be at your door in just a moment. A welcome would be appreciated. I thought I’d give you warning. I didn’t want to have to pound on it as I did before.” She cut the connection.
She left her room, locked the door, and by that time Jock had thrown open the door of his room and was standing in the doorway. The light from the lamp behind him silhouetted his body, which appeared to be naked except for a towel draped about his hips. “What’s wrong?” He asked warily, “Are you ill? Too much wine?”
“Not now.” She shook her head. “I was sick earlier, but that wasn’t the wine either.” She went past him into his room. “You sleep naked. I didn’t know that. But then you wouldn’t let me know something that intimate. You’d consider it encouraging me.” She dropped down in the chair beside his bed. “Too bad. You’re as fantastic-looking as I always knew you’d be. I feel a little cheated.”
“Why were you sick?” His eyes were narrowed on her face. “And what the hell is wrong with you now? You were fine when I left you. Right now, you’re barely holding it together.”
“I’m doing considerably more than holding it together. Don’t sell me short. I’m just having trouble bracing myself for more difficulty from you after what I’ve already gone through.”
“And what have you already gone through?” he said through his teeth. “Talk to me.”
“Svardak.”
He stiffened. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“His wound was bothering him.” Her lips twisted. “He wanted to share it with me. Along with a few other thoughts and comments. He was so glad I hadn’t changed my cell number.”
“Son of a bitch.” Jock was swearing softly, vehemently. He was across the room, dropping to his knees beside her. “When?”
“A few hours ago.”
“Why didn’t you call me then?”
“I wasn’t in terrific shape for a while. He caught me off guard, and you might say I was in shock.” She tried to smile. “Hence the sickness that had nothing to do with the wine.”
His hands grasped her shoulders. “What did he say to you?”
“Mostly what you’d expect. But as I said, he caught me off guard and I didn’t expect anything. Every word he said was like a fresh cut. Later, I had to think and sort things out to make sure he hadn’t told me something that might be important.” She reached up and rubbed her temple. “It was ugly, and it took me longer than I thought to get past it. But I knew that there might be something I could use. I should have recorded the call, but I didn’t think of it. Silly. You would have thought about it. I should have—”
“Stop rambling.” He shook her gently. “You shouldn’t have done anything but survive the bastard. No one could expect anything else of you.”
“Of course they could. And I remembered most of it after I had time to pull myself together. One of the things was that he said that he was almost ready to gather in Joe. He was boasting, but it could be the truth.”
“Or a blatant lie. I’ll try to contact Joe and make sure he’s still okay.”
“I already called him, but I couldn’t get through. These damn mountains…”
“I’ll try him again. What else?”
“I believe Svardak is still in the mountains and won’t leave the area until he gets what he wants. He’s already made contact with Lacher and Abrams, so they must have definitely been on their way to him when they killed that farmer. That might help us zero in on his location.” She paused. “But I made a slip, and he knows that I may still be in the area.”
“Then we get you out of here,” he said grimly.
“Why? One intimidating phone call doesn’t alter anything. He’s fixated on Joe right now.” She moistened her lips. “But that may change. One of those men told him you were on the mountain, and he asked me questions about you. He thinks that you might be my lover.” She smiled crookedly. “I’d shout that from the housetops if it were true. But he’s the one person I’d never want to know it. He’s totally unpredictable. He’s already trying to decide if killing you or Joe might hurt me more.”
“Neither of those options are going to happen,” he said impatiently. “What else?”
She tried to think. “Wherever he is, he didn’t get conventional medical care to patch up his wound. He said he couldn’t trust the bungler who tried to sew him up. He’s on heavy antibiotics, but he said he’s waiting to have his wound stitched until after he takes care of his list. That means we can’t trace him through an urgent-care or local hospital.”
“But who tried to sew up that wound and patch him up?” he murmured. “We might have to explore that question. No name?”
“Svardak isn’t stupid. Insane, yes, but not stupid. I was upset and probably revealed a hell of a lot more than he did.” She wearily shook her head. “But that’s all I can put together from what he said tonight. The rest was just … poison. He only wanted to hurt me.”
“And he did it,” he said hoarsely.
“Of course he did.” She gave a half shrug. “I was happy. I was … floating. He couldn’t know, but he chose the perfect time. That’s why it took me so long to get over it and decide what to do.”
“It shouldn’t have taken you long at all. I told you what you had to do.”
“I realize what you want me to do,” she said wearily. “That was a given. Go home, be safe, let you protect and build a wall around me that would leave you outside. But I knew it was never going to happen. So I had to think of a way to make certain that you admitted it to yourself.”
“Really.” He sat back on his heels. “And just how do you intend to do that?”
“By not being patient and trying to convince you that you’re wrong. It doesn’t matter if you’re right or wrong in your own eyes. All that matters is that I’m going to get what I want. I’m so tired of fighting you. I want to fight with you.”
“It does matter, Cara. It has to matter.”
“Then you should know that I’m not waiting to be traded off to Joe when it’s your turn to go after Svardak. Whatever made you believe I’d aIlow it?” She paused. “Tomorrow, I’ll go looking for Joe, and I’ll stay with him until we catch Svardak. I can’t let him get his hands on Joe.”
“The hell you will!”
She shook her head and stared him in the eye. “I’m going to do it. Nothing is going to stop me. Accept it, Jock. You’re welcome to go with me though I’d prefer you don’t. Svardak scared me when he was talking about you. But you’re very clever at hunting, and I’d be foolish to refuse your help.”
“How kind of you to consider me an asset.” His eyes were blazing. He added sarcastically, “You’ll forgive me if I don’t return the compliment. You’d be a total disaster. Don’t even think about it.”
“Of course I have to think about it. You’re perfectly right, I’m not qualified. But I wouldn’t be a t
otal disaster. I have one asset you don’t have, Jock.”
“And what’s that?”
She said simply, “Svardak wants me very badly. I might not have to go to him, there’s every chance he might come to me.”
“Son of a bitch.” He didn’t speak for a moment. “Why am I even surprised?”
“I don’t know.” She smiled sadly. “You’re so clever that you’re always two steps ahead of everyone. It’s probably that you didn’t want to think about it. Like I didn’t want to think about Svardak knowing who you are. Because it hurts too much.”
“It won’t hurt. I won’t let you near him.”
“I leave in the morning. I think you’ll be with me.” She got to her feet. “In the meantime, I’m going to go to bed. It’s been a rough few hours for me.” She untied her robe and slipped it off. She thought about taking off the sleep shirt, then decided against it. Provocation wasn’t why she’d come here, and Jock was on edge already. “But I’d like it very much if you’d hold me until I go to sleep. Which side of the bed do you usually sleep on? I don’t want to intrude.”
“Intrude?” He slowly got to his feet. “What are you doing, Cara?”
She answered herself. “The right side, the pillow is mussed.” She lifted the cover and slipped into the left side. “Turn out the light, Jock. I’ve told you what I’m going to do, and there’s no use arguing about it right now. I just want you to hold me.”
He was staring intently at her expression. “You’re frightened? You don’t want to be alone?”
“I don’t want to be alone,” she repeated. “Hold me.”
He reached over and turned out the lamp. “We’re not finished talking, Cara. And this isn’t a good idea.”
“Hold me.”
And then he was in bed beside her, his arms pulling her close. “Better?”
She exhaled slowly as she cuddled closer. The scent of him … The feel of him … “Much better. You didn’t have to panic. It’s not as if I was going to attack you. This isn’t easy for me either.”
“I assure you, panic isn’t what I’m feeling,” he said thickly. “And you should go back to your room.”
“This is my room.” She nestled her head in the hollow of his shoulder. “Wherever you are, that’s where I’m going to be from now on. That’s another thing I decided after I hung up from Svardak. I won’t risk losing what we could be together. When I was at the canyon, I had to force myself not to think of you because I was so sad at all we’d missed, what we might have had.” She had to steady her voice. “So get used to having me in your bed. It’s not going to change. I’m not listening to you any longer.” Her lips brushed his shoulder. “Feel free to ignore me, but I don’t believe you will. Because I’ve got a wild card. You’ll always remember that if I’d been in your bed that night, Svardak wouldn’t have been able to take me.”
He was silent. “It’s something that I won’t easily forget. That doesn’t alter the basic argument.”
“Hush. No more of this. Just hold me and tell me you want me here. Do you know how difficult it is for me to act this aggressive? I don’t have the experience for it.”
“Oh, are we back to those zillions again? I assure you that you’re doing very well.”
“I know I should be better. But I figure until I learn all the tricks that you won’t mind putting up with me, because you do love me, Jock.”
His hand reached up to stroke her hair. “That’s quite perceptive of you. One always has to know one’s limitations and how to overcome them.”
“I don’t regard it as a limitation. It will be a challenge. You’ve always liked showing me new things.” She got up on one elbow and looked down at him. “Your body feels … hard. I like it. Is this how it starts?”
“I’ve gone way beyond the starting gate.”
“Good.” She laid her head back down on his shoulder. “Then I don’t have to be aggressive anymore. What do I do next?”
“Nothing.” His hand was gently stroking her throat. “Lessons aren’t what you asked of me when you came to my bed tonight. You wanted me to hold you and tell you that I wanted you here. You said you needed it.” His fingers were mesmerizingly gentle. “Do you still need it, Cara?”
“I always want to know you want me with you,” she said unevenly. “And it’s not what I need all the time. I don’t ever want to cheat you again.”
“You didn’t cheat me.” His arms tightened around her. “I’m holding you. Do I want you here? Aye, there isn’t a moment I don’t want you with me.” His hands tangled in her hair. He whispered, “You’re not going to give up, are you?”
She shook her head.
“What am I going to do with you?”
“I’m sure something will occur to you. But words will help.”
“You want words?” he asked. “You’re the only thing in life that makes it worth living to me. I value everything about you. Your smile, your humor, the way your eyes light up when you see me, how much you care for everyone around you, your honesty, your stubbornness. I don’t know why we were brought together, but I thank God we were. Is it any wonder that I want to keep you happy and safe?” He brushed his lips across her cheek. “It’s purely selfish on my part.” He kissed the tip of her nose. “Are those enough words for you?”
“No,” she added huskily, “I want more. But that will do for now. Words can only go so far. Because I’ve been thinking about it, and I believe I’m the one who’s being cheated.” She tucked her head beneath his chin. “And if you love me that much, then I deserve more from you. You’re just a little confused with all that highfalutin honorable nonsense.” She kissed his throat, then closed her eyes. “But I’m willing to forgive you if you come to your senses soon. I’m going to go to sleep now. Thank you for holding me, and making my world come right again, and for that beautiful declaration.”
“My pleasure,” he said thickly. His arms tightened around her. “Anytime.”
“No, not anytime.” She cuddled closer. “It has to be soon. We deserve it…”
CHAPTER
11
He was gone.
His warmth, the golden strength of his body, the scent of him that had surrounded her through the night.
Gone.
Sadness.
Loneliness.
Cara reached out in the darkness for him. “Jock…”
“Shh, I’m here.” His hand grasped her own, warm strong … “I just wanted to sit here and watch you sleep.”
She opened her eyes. It was still mostly dark in the room, but there was enough light so that she could see him sitting in the chair beside the bed. “That’s not fair. Did I snore or anything?”
“Nary a snore. Just a kind of purr, like a kitten.”
“I think you’re lying to me.”
“Never. Not even for your own good. I’ve been a total failure.”
“You don’t know how to fail.” She paused. “But why were you watching me?”
“I was having trouble not waking you. Putting distance between us was one solution.”
“Not a good one.” Her hand tightened on his. “Because you woke me by not being here for me. I missed you.”
“It seemed the thing to do at the time. I had a few things to think about, and you were getting in my way.” He reached forward and gently touched her cheek. “You always get in my way. You’re always there. I tried so hard. Why wouldn’t you listen to me?”
She went still. There was something in his tone … Suddenly, she couldn’t breathe. “Because you were wrong. But maybe you aren’t now?” She pushed herself to a sitting position, her gaze searching the darkness. “Turn on the light. I want to see your face. What were you thinking about?”
He made no move to turn on the light. “I was thinking that there was no way I could go through what I did that morning at the hotel again. I don’t care if I’m a selfish bastard or ignoring the greater good. I can’t take it.”
“I believe the greater good isn’t all it
’s cracked up to be. It’s all in the eye of the beholder. Go on. What else?”
“What else? Isn’t that enough? You told me that you’d never give up on us. That you’d always be in my life. But I can’t be sure of keeping you safe unless I’m with you.” He paused. His next words were unsteady. “So I have to be with you.” He was silent again, then he asked, “Will you let me share your bed until you find out how wrong you are about me?”
She closed her eyes as the waves of relief cascaded over her. “Thank God.”
“Is that yes?”
Her eyes flicked open. “It wasn’t perfect, but yes. Your other declaration was much better. This one was full of mistakes and false assumptions. You will never control me just because we’re having sex. It has to be because I believe it’s important to make you happy in that way. And it’s you who will find out how wrong you are.” She got up on her knees on the bed. “But on the whole, I’m grateful that you’ve come this far. We’ll go into the rest later.” She pulled her sleep shirt over her head and threw it on the floor. “Now will you turn on the light? I really want to see you when we’re having sex. You were so wonderful-looking when you opened the door tonight. Like one of those beautiful Greek statues.”
Silence. “Who said we’re going to have sex now?” he said silkily. “Aren’t you taking too much for granted?”
She stiffened. “Am I? You don’t want me? I told you I was afraid there might be a problem. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to push you. We don’t have to—”
“Hush.” He was suddenly on his knees on the bed facing her. “I was teasing you. I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed and out of control. Do I want you?” His hands were suddenly on her breasts, his thumb’s flicking back and forth on her nipples. “I’ve been sitting here trying to keep myself from jumping back into bed and coming inside you. Aye, you might say I want you, Cara.” His mouth was on her throat and then moving down to her breasts. He was cuddling her breasts in his hands, lifting them to his mouth. “If you want to completely understate what I’m feeling.” He was licking her nipples, sucking delicately, then nibbling with tiny, sharp bites.
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