Insanity, #1

by Andre Gonzalez

  Jeremy learned to clear his mind of all this shit when it came time to shooting. His thoughts were clear, and his aim true. He expected his final outing to be his best, and that was exactly what happened. Ten targets were arranged across the stand of trees, some near, some far. He hit each target with ease.

  On his third reload, he hit each target twice within the same magazine. That was when he decided he was ready. Friday morning would be no different. His targets might move—but his hands moved faster, he was sure of that.

  Jeremy fired his final practice round, a perfect head shot, then took a step back to inhale the clean mountain air. The smoky residue from the gun barrel filled his lungs, and he smiled. Nature had a way of reassuring him that everything would be alright. He packed up his rifle and left his uncle’s cabin for the final time.

  On his way home, he stopped at a gas station in Golden, roughly a half hour away from his apartment. The brisk air made him shiver when he stepped out of the car, causing the notebook to tremble in his hand. He stared at its black-and-white-freckled cover and brushed his fingers over it.

  “So long, old friend. Thanks for helping me get this far.”

  Jeremy peered around to make sure no one was watching him, and dropped the notebook into a trash can next to the gas station’s entrance. He drove off, looking into his rearview mirror as the trash can and gas station faded away.

  “That’s it,” he said. “No more proof that this was all planned.”

  *****

  March 7—Monday

  Jeremy had hated Mondays since he was in high school, but this Monday was different. He had energy, and went into work perky for the day ahead. Knowing what was coming at the end of the week, Jeremy wanted to make sure to have closure with his closest friends at the office.

  He and Clark went to lunch Monday, and as always it turned into a venting session.

  “I’m so sick of Shelly’s shit,” Clark said. “It feels like it’s some sort of game to her. I’ve worked with some incredible managers in the past, and she is by far the worst.”

  Jeremy nodded. “I know, man. Every day gets worse. You should start looking elsewhere. You and I both, for that matter. We have no future at this company.”

  They finished eating their burgers and headed back to the office. On the drive back, Clark said, “I’m really sorry for the way you’ve been treated. You should be managing a team somewhere in the company right now. The way she treated you really opened all of our eyes. If you’re not immune to Shelly’s wrath, then who is?”

  “Thanks, Clark. I’m sure we’ll both move on to better things soon enough.”

  Jeremy felt sick. He wanted so badly to tell Clark to take the day off Friday, but knew something like that would absolutely come back to bite him in the ass. If he could, he would just shoot Clark in the leg. If he had to choose one life to spare, it would be a toss-up between Clark and Nicole.

  Just remember the big picture. Sometimes good people are lost for the greater good. If Clark doesn’t make it, then just be sure he doesn’t go in vain.

  *****

  March 8—Tuesday

  Even though things had improved between Jeremy, Mark, and Shelly, she took one final jab at him before his final Friday.

  The second week of March had always been performance reviews, and raises would be given based on the last year’s performance. Jeremy would have planned his experiment a week earlier if he had remembered this detail, but it was too late for that now. He anticipated receiving a measly raise of maybe ten cents, but what happened caught him off guard and cast doubt on his plans.

  “I really am glad to see the improvement you’ve made since your PIP,” Shelly said to start off his review. “It’s encouraging and we’re excited. However, today’s review is based on your last year of performance, and since you were on a PIP, we’re not going to be able to increase your pay at this time.”

  Jeremy’s stomach sunk. Shooting his two managers the same week they stiffed him on a raise wouldn’t look good.

  How he responded now would be critical. If word leaked back to the HR department that Jeremy looked even a little bit upset, that could be held against him.

  “Okay, fair enough.” He swallowed his pride. His leg started to bounce.

  “Since you’ve been such a good sport about everything, I did arrange with HR for us to have another review with you in September. If you keep up the way you are I don’t see any reason to hold back a raise for you then.”

  “Thank you, Shelly, that’s awesome of you to do.” Jeremy bowed his head toward her in gratification. Too bad you’ll be nothing but rotting bones come September.

  Shelly gave a genuine smile, and Jeremy knew he had succeeded with his positive reaction. If she had anything to report to HR it would be minor and positive.

  Three more days stood between Jeremy and his experiment. He could feel the universe pushing, not wanting him to carry out his plans, but he chalked it up as subconscious guilt.

  I’m home-free. This bullshit was my final test, and I passed. No looking back now.

  *****

  March 9—Wednesday

  The workday dragged, and so did Jeremy. He had a rough night of sleep, tossing and turning until two in the morning. The thought of his upcoming actions on Friday weighed heavily on his mind, and for the first time he felt intimidated by the size of his task.

  No matter how hard he tried to separate his conscience from the situation, he felt guilty about the potential of killing those he had grown so close to. When he arrived to the office with bloodshot eyes, Sylvia noticed and brought him a coffee. Without that, he likely would have fallen asleep at his desk before nine.

  He fought his way through his morning calls before surrendering at lunch to take a nap in his car. He set his alarm for one hour, reclined his seat, and fell asleep on the warm March afternoon.

  The power nap was all he needed. When he woke, the throbbing in his head had left, his eyes no longer felt puffy, and he felt he could make it through the rest of the day. He had dinner planned with his parents later that evening and would need to power through a little longer than normal.

  Fortunately, the afternoon was slow. Jeremy had two calls on his schedule and none after three, leaving him the last hour of the day to hang out.

  He spent his time at Sylvia’s desk, catching up, hearing about how her son was doing in school and football, before the conversation took a turn. Sylvia looked around and whispered.

  “Did you hear about Janae?” she asked.

  “What now?”

  “Nothing work-related for once. But she was fucking Kevin over the weekend.” Kevin worked in the sales department upstairs, after having left the service department a few months prior.

  “Oh? Well, I know Kevin gets around a bit. Can’t say I’m surprised.”

  “I know. Guess I shouldn’t be shocked either that Janae is a ho.”

  “Well, when you gotta suck your way to the top, what do you expect?”

  Sylvia chuckled. Jeremy looked over the desk divider and saw Janae sitting at her desk. His heart sunk. She looked occupied in her work, but the office was quiet enough for her to have overheard the entire conversation if she was paying attention.

  Jeremy made a slashing gesture with his hand in front of his mouth, and Sylvia understood to end the conversation right away.

  Fuck.

  Jeremy returned to his desk and continued the conversation over the chat system.

  Do you think she heard? he typed.

  I hope not…I don’t think so, Sylvia responded.

  Well, let’s just hang low. We can talk about this at lunch tomorrow.

  Ok cool.

  Jeremy wrapped up for the day before heading out. “Bye, Janae,” he said on his way out.

  “Have a good night!” she said, not showing any signs of anger. Jeremy assumed she must have not heard and sighed in relief.

  He left the office for his parents’ house across town in Larkwood. He had planned a f
inal dinner with them, knowing it could be the last one for a very long time.

  When he arrived an hour later, he could smell the spaghetti and freshly baked bread oozing from the open front door. His childhood home was a small ranch-style house with an extended driveway that reached to the backyard. Jeremy parked behind his dad’s car and headed up the short three steps to the front door.

  He opened the screen door and stepped in to find his dad on the couch, drinking a beer and watching basketball.

  “Lakers look like shit this year,” Robert Heston said. “Oh, well, guess they had a good run.”

  Robert took off his glasses to rub his eyes and scratched his graying head. Lately work had started to take its toll on him, draining him of energy by the time he came home.

  “How are things with you, son?”

  “Not too bad. Just working and keeping busy.”

  “Still no promotion?”

  The topic of work made Jeremy uneasy, especially since he had finally managed to clear his mind of what he needed to do on Friday morning. His body flooded with sorrow at the thought of this being the last time he’d be dining with his parents.

  “Not yet, hopefully soon. Things are starting to come together, so we’ll see.”

  “I thought I heard you!” Jeremy’s mother, Arlene, exclaimed as she came around the corner from the kitchen. “Dinner’s almost ready. I made your favorite.”

  “I know. I could smell it from outside. Can’t wait.” Jeremy spoke with relief, thankful his mom had come in to change the subject.

  “You look skinny,” she said. “Are you eating enough?”

  “Yes, Mom. I had a bad cold not too long ago, might have lost some weight then.”

  “Okay, good. Let’s set up the table, guys.”

  Jeremy followed his mom into the kitchen, where the smell of the bread warmed his soul. He started putting out plates and silverware and Robert joined them in the dining room. With everything set, Arlene brought over the heavy bowl of spaghetti for serving. The bread was wrapped up in a bowl on the center of the table.

  The reunited family ate their spaghetti, sharing stories of what had been going on in their lives. Arlene was ready to retire from her elementary teaching job after thirty-five years, while Robert knew he had at least five more years of dragging himself to the office before he could call it quits.

  “Are you seeing anyone?” Arlene asked Jeremy nonchalantly.

  “Not right now. Just trying to work on myself and get my ducks in a row. I just feel like I don’t know what I want to do in life anymore.”

  “Welcome to being in your twenties,” Robert said while he struggled to twirl noodles around his fork.

  “I’m sure you’ll figure it all out,” Arlene said. “At least you’re almost done with school. That should be exciting, right?”

  “Yep, two more months and I’m free.”

  Jeremy felt suddenly nauseous. He wanted to tell his parents. All they’d ever done was love him and raise him to be a good person. They wouldn’t see the purpose of his experiment; they’d think their only child had turned into a monster. What would their friends and the rest of the family say? He knew his actions would have horrible consequences for his parents that they simply didn’t deserve. They could be shunned by the rest of the family, forced to move away from the lives they had built.

  Then again, isn’t the point to affect as many people as possible? His family and friends would also be sucked into the drama of Jeremy’s story, regardless of how it ended.

  He still felt like a balloon had inflated inside his gut. He couldn’t even look at his spaghetti.

  Arlene sensed his sudden mood shift. “Are you sure you’re okay?” she asked him. Robert remained oblivious as always, consumed by the delicious meal in front of him.

  “Yes, sorry. I’m still not feeling a hundred percent. Think I just need a good night’s sleep. Haven’t been getting as much as I should.”

  “Well, let’s pack up some dinner and you can take it home. You need your rest. You have a long two months coming up before graduation. You need to be healthy.”

  You have no idea.

  “Thanks, Mom, that sounds great.” Jeremy didn’t want to leave his parents so abruptly, but he thought if he stayed any longer the guilt would make his head explode.

  Arlene packed up two containers of spaghetti for Jeremy to take home. She would see those same containers in Jeremy’s refrigerator, untouched, a week later.

  Jeremy was feeling worse by the second. He hugged his mom and dad. “I love you guys. I hope you know that.”

  “Of course we do, Jer Bear. We love you too.” Arlene squeezed him tight as Robert put his arms around both of them. “Now go get some rest.”

  “Thanks, Mom.”

  Jeremy returned to his car and pulled out of the driveway. After turning off the street he had grown up on, Jeremy cried the whole way home.

  *****

  March 10—Thursday

  Jeremy arrived at work feeling rested and somewhat clearheaded. Crying had lulled him into a much-needed deep sleep. His eyes felt swollen and puffy, but at least they weren’t red. No one at the office could tell that he’d cried for two hours straight the night before, as he started to question his own sanity.

  He didn’t want any more emotional outbreaks on the eve of the big day, so he spent his morning hard at work, avoiding conversations with those around him. Sylvia sent him a chat to see if he was okay, but he ignored it. He just wanted to get through the day and go home to make his final preparations.

  His emotions were all mixed up. Sorrow, anxiety, and sickness spiraled around, his thoughts chaotic. Every time he stood up from his desk, he couldn’t help envisioning what the office would look like in twenty-four hours: blood and bodies scattered across the floor. The casings from his spent rounds. Him sitting among his dead coworkers, waiting for the police to arrive and take him into custody.

  Jeremy shook the images from his mind, focusing on getting through the day ahead. He managed to stay busy enough to avoid talking to anyone before lunch, and took his lunch break away from the office. He was hungry, having not finished his dinner the night before and skipped breakfast. It was also his last day of freedom, so he decided to splurge a little.

  He went to the burger joint across the street from the office, and ordered a double bacon cheeseburger with a rum and Coke and their legendary garlic fries.

  Not bad considering it’ll be jail food for a while.

  He ate his burger in peace, until he saw the highlights on the TV above him of the game his dad had been watching the prior night. Seeing it took him back to his parents’ house and he fought off the tickling urge of tears that welled up behind his eyeballs.

  His lunch ruined, he forced down the rest of the meal, left a twenty on the table, and headed back to the office. His plan for the rest of the afternoon was the same as the morning: sit down and grind away at work until it was time to go home.

  He was able to do that, for the most part. At one point, Sylvia walked around to Clark’s desk. He was certain they were talking about him, but he kept his focus.

  2:45. Almost there.

  But he wasn’t. Shelly came over to his desk at 3, tight-lipped and not looking pleased.

  “Let’s go have a talk,” she said.

  What the fuck is it now?

  Shelly turned and walked toward the conference room. Mark joined her and Jeremy followed them into the room. She didn’t wait for Jeremy to sit before speaking.

  “This is the last straw,” she said, not bothering to sit, instead propping her hands on the back of the chair facing Jeremy. She spoke down to him, and Jeremy didn’t like that. “I don’t even know what to say to you right now.”

  “You can let me know what this is about, because I have no idea.” Jeremy spoke confidently, but calmly.

  “You and Sylvia talking shit about Janae right in front of her.”

  She paused. Mark nodded his head silently, and Jeremy waited fo
r her to continue, but she didn’t, and his heart sunk into his stomach.

  “Sylvia called me over to her desk then just started talking. I had no idea where it was going.”

  “Save it. We’ve been through this. You have to take ownership for your mistakes. If Sylvia started it, you should have ended it, and you didn’t. You stood by and let it happen. The things you two were saying—it’s flat-out bullying. Despicable.”

  “I’m sorry. I should have been more aware.” Jeremy felt his heart racing, sensing every detail of his planning about to come crashing down. Fucking Janae. Just stay calm, just get through this day and it can all end tomorrow as planned.

  “No more apologies.” Shelly crossed her arms. “I’m thinking about firing you. You’ve become such a cancer to our team. It may be time for us to go our separate ways.”

  “I think that’s a bit drastic,” Jeremy said with a slight tremor in his voice. The nerves flooded his entire body and the world started to spin around him.

  “Well, that’s how I feel. You should think long and hard about what happens next.” Shelly walked out of the room with Mark.

  Jeremy did exactly as Shelly had said. He went home and thought about what was going to happen next.

  *****

  Jeremy paced around his apartment, sweating and shaking.

  This isn’t fucking happening. This is not fucking happening.

  He could end up fired from his job on the morning he was supposed to carry out a mass shooting to change the face of mental health. The mere thought of Shelly burned a fire so deep within he felt like going to her house and stabbing her on the spot.

  “She goes first tomorrow. And there will be a tomorrow, because I’m not fucking getting fired. I didn’t come all this way for nothing. This is destiny.” Jeremy spoke rapidly, under his breath. “Tomorrow is happening if it’s the last thing I do.”

  He stormed into his walk-in closet, throwing clothes all over the room until he had his hands on what he needed. He clenched a black long-sleeved hoodie in a tight fist and took it out of the closet.