Every Last Drop

by Sarah Robinson

  In an odd, slow motion slump, my butt hit the concrete patio as I cradled the pie against me—because, damn it, I worked hard on that pie.

  I was suddenly sitting on the ground, staring at my feet splayed in front of me. I could see it. I moved my leg, saw my foot move in turn, but that was it. I tried to wiggle my toes—they didn’t budge. I shook my leg, but my foot just dangled like it had no other choice.

  I can’t feel my foot.

  “Tessa?!” Panic sounded in Kyle’s voice as he rushed to me, Elly and my dad close behind. “Are you okay?”

  I nodded slowly, unsure, but not wanting to alarm them.

  “Here.” My dad took the pie out of my hands and gave it to my sister. “Let us help you up. You okay?”

  He and Kyle grabbed me beneath both arms and lifted me into a standing position. They let go and I immediately tipped to the side again and fell into Kyle’s chest.

  Luckily, he reacted fast and grabbed me, holding me steady against him. “Tessa, what’s wrong?”

  My bottom lip trembled, and I looked over at the decorated table, devastated I might be about to ruin a moment that meant so much to me. Finally, I pointed at my leg. “My left foot.”

  “Did you hurt it when you tripped?” my dad asked.

  “I can get you some ice,” Elly volunteered.

  I shook my head. “No, I tripped because of my foot. I can’t feel it.”

  Kyle helped me hobble to my chair. He bent on one knee in front of me and lifted my leg, rubbing up and down my calf. “Can you feel me here?” He touched just below my knee, pushing in slightly.

  I nodded.

  He moved lower. “Here?”

  I nodded again.

  He touched my ankle, pushing in lightly and I felt it, but…differently. I could feel a pressure, but couldn’t pinpoint where it was coming from. “Sort of. It feels numb but hurts. If that makes any sense.”

  It was his turn to nod. “How about here?”

  I could see he was squeezing my toes. I saw it—I couldn’t feel it.

  A cold wave swept through my body, and I trembled under the knowledge that this was happening. My symptoms were getting worse and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

  “Can you feel here?” he asked again, tapping the sole of my foot.

  I swallowed hard. “No.”

  “I’m going to call the doctor.” Kyle placed my foot on the ground and headed for the house.

  “No!” I called out after him, almost shouting. I hadn’t meant to be that loud, but damn it, I’d worked so hard on dinner.

  “Tessa, he needs to know about this,” he argued.

  My dad nodded his head. “I agree with Kyle, sunshine. This is serious.”

  “It’s not,” I replied. “We knew numbness would start soon. Paralysis eventually. It’ll probably be fine later, and if it’s not, there’s nothing the doctor can do about that. I just want to have Thanksgiving dinner with my family. We all worked so hard to put this together.”

  Elly was beside me now, squeezing my shoulder and facing against the men in a sign of solidarity. “It’s up to Tessy how she wants to handle this.”

  Kyle and my dad traded glances, before my dad finally spoke up. “We’ll have dinner, but after, we call.”

  Kyle didn’t look like he fully agreed with the plan. “Immediately after, and we follow whatever advice the doctor gives.”

  That seemed fair. “Okay.”

  Elly looked between the rest of us. “Well, um, everything is ready, so…dinner is served?”

  She seemed hesitant, but I squeezed her arm. “Time to eat!”

  Kyle helped me push my chair into the table, and everyone sat down in their respective places. “This smells really good, babe.”

  I beamed. “It wasn’t just me. Elly helped a lot.”

  “And I put together the turkey fryer!” my dad announced, brandishing a large carving knife. “I’m going to cut this bird up. Legs or breast?”

  “Wait!” I put my hand up and shook my head. “Not yet. First, we have to say what we’re thankful for.”

  Elly and Kyle exchanged glances, and I knew they were both thinking the year hadn’t boasted a ton of grateful moments. There were a lot of shitty parts to my life, but the people were pretty damn great. They were who I was grateful for.

  “I’ll start,” my dad volunteered. “I’m thankful for my daughters. Beautiful, loving, good. That’s all you can ever ask for as a father—to raise children who make you proud of who they are. Not what they do, what they have, or what they accomplished. Just who they are.” He lifted his glass, as if in a toast to us. “Tessa, Elly, you two are what I’ve done right in my life.” His voice tensed, and he took a deep breath. “I’m thankful for my baby girls.”

  I pulled my lips between my teeth and bit down to keep from crying. I’d always felt I’d gotten my optimism from him—always able to find the good. Even in a time like this, he still was thankful for love, for us.

  Elly didn’t hide her tears, letting several streak down her cheeks as she held our dad’s hand. “We love you too, Daddy.”

  I squeezed his other hand. “So much.”

  “I love you too, girls.” He smiled widely then looked at Kyle. “And I haven’t forgotten you, Kyle. I’m thankful you came into my oldest girl’s life and have been so good to her. I’m thankful I’ve gotten to know you as a man, and as my son.”

  Kyle offered him a smile, tight-lipped and deep, his hand on his chest. “That means a lot, sir.”

  My dad lifted one brow. “You know you can call me ‘Dad’.”

  Elly’s mouth fell open. “He can?”

  My dad nodded. “Yeah. I think it’s time. He’s my son.” He turned to Kyle. “You’re my son, Kyle. You always will be. Even…” He glanced at me, then my husband. “Even after.”

  I reached out a hand to Kyle and wrapped my fingers around his, my other hand in my dad’s. The two most important men in my life. Here. Supporting each other. Loving each other.

  I’m thankful.

  “My turn,” Elly announced. “Can I go next?”

  “Go for it, baby girl,” my dad told her.

  She smiled at the table—that same innocent, unsure tilt to her grin she’d always had. She was an adult, but when I looked at her, all I saw was the little girl who used to follow me around the playground, hanging on my every word. I saw the child who didn’t say her first word until she was five, but who I understood as if she was speaking full sentences. Everyone had called me her translator, and said she’d speak when she was ready.

  Our mother had had cancer during the pregnancy, and they said it had affected the baby, but once Elly started talking, she never stopped, and there was never another sign of trouble. My dad had worried, but not me. Never once. Elly communicated with me… somehow. I’m still not sure how I knew what she wanted or was saying, but I did.

  To this day, I still just did. I knew her like the inside of my heart, because she was. She was my everything.

  I’m thankful.

  Elly took a deep breath, then started. “Okay, well, I’m thankful for a lot this year. I’m also not thankful for a lot, too. And it may not be tradition, but I’m going to say both.”

  Her statement was more of a warning than asking for permission, and no one tried to stop her. “I’m thankful for the little things, like our trip to Niagara Falls. I’m thankful for this move, even if it’s temporary. This house is breathtaking, right on the water.” She gestured to the lake. “I’ve always dreamed of seeing water out my bedroom window.”

  “Me, too,” I agreed.

  “I’m also thankful I have understanding advisors at school who helped me take this semester off. I’m thankful I only have less than a year of undergrad left. I’m thankful for all you guys have sacrificed to get me through school.”

  I beamed at her, pride seeping through me. She was excelling in college, and I’d been pretty guilt ridden at her taking this fall off, but her advisor had assured her it would
n’t put her far behind.

  “But also…” Elly sighed, her expression frustrated as she carefully picked what she would say next. “I’m not thankful. I’m not thankful when the real Thanksgiving comes in two months, my sister might not be there to share it with me. I’m not thankful we have to sit idly by and watch a disease we can’t see take Tessa from us. I’m not thankful you’re dying, Tessa. And that’s everything. That’s bigger than all the good things. It’s the only thing on the list that matters. So, I don’t know, but maybe I’m not thankful at all.”

  I watched her from across the table, feeling the heartbreak in her words as she stared down at her plate. I split open so wide I’m not sure I’d ever be able to close again.

  She glanced up at me, and despite everything she’d said, she said even more in that one look. We had an entire conversation with just the tears in our eyes.

  And I’m thankful.

  My dad and Kyle looked between us, knowing they were missing words they were never meant to hear. “They’re doing it again,” Kyle whispered to my dad.

  My dad grinned. “I’m going to miss that.”

  Returning my focus to the table, I asked, “Who’s next?” Beast barked on the ground by my feet, and I startled. “Jeez, Beast! You’re going to give me a heart attack.”

  “Damn dog,” my dad muttered.

  I laughed and scooped him in my arms, holding the fluffy white dog in my lap at the table. He tried sniffing his way toward the turkey, but I held him firmly, knowing his agenda.

  “It’s my turn,” Kyle answered my question, draping his arm over the back of my chair and leaning closer to me. “Although I don’t know how I can top those two. That’s probably the first thing I’m thankful for—this family. I love my family to pieces, but closeness was never really valued in our home. Everyone did their own thing, and sure, we supported each other, but in our own way. But this family? You guys show up. You show up when it matters, when it’s inconvenient, when things aren’t fun. And you welcomed me in to that.”

  “Always welcome, son,” my dad echoed.

  “Yeah, you’re my big brother!” Elly chimed in, smiling at my husband in a way that made my heart explode with warmth. The way my family loved my husband was so beautiful.

  I’m thankful.

  Kyle nodded his appreciation. “Most of all, I’m thankful for you, Tessa.” His eyes were on me now, blazing green with pain and passion and pure honesty. “I’m thankful I found you. I’m thankful you found me. I’m thankful that even if we only have a few years together, at least I had any time at all. If I’d never met you, my life would have been empty and I wouldn’t have even known it—but I’d have felt it. I’d have always felt something missing.”

  Tears were flowing down my cheeks now, because his words were sad, but they were his heart. And I was so damn thankful.

  “I love you, Tessa. I’m thankful for you, and every Thanksgiving for the rest of my life—and every day in between—I’ll be thankful to have been your husband.”

  I shoved out of my seat so fast, Beast fell to the ground, casting an annoyed look at me. I barely noticed as I haphazardly threw my arms around Kyle’s neck and kissed him hard on the mouth, his arms steadying me as I balanced on one foot. There was nothing sweet or affectionate about my kiss. It was hard and intense and as pain-filled as our hearts were.

  My dad had his napkin under his eye, wiping away the evidence of a single tear as he snorted loudly. “Fucking hell, son,” was all he managed to say.

  Men didn’t cry, or at least that’s what my dad liked to pretend. I’d heard him behind closed doors shedding tears more than once since my diagnosis, but I hadn’t told a soul.

  Elly needed a moment to composed herself as well, but then she stood and hugged Kyle. “That was beautiful.”

  “Tessa, you haven’t gone yet,” my dad pointed out.

  “My turn.” I sat straighter in my seat, taking a deep breath. “This year, I’m thankful for chances. The chance to move to a new place, a dream house with a dream view. The chance to go on trips and explore new places I might not have gotten around to before. The chance to spend time with the people I love.” I made sure to look at each of them. “I’m thankful for the chance to take control of my cancer, and of my life. I’m thankful for the chance to say goodbye.”

  Kyle rubbed my shoulder, and Elly sniffed again.

  “Happy Thanksgiving, guys,” I finally said, shrugging my shoulders in exhaustion at the emotional moments we’d all just shared. “Now, let’s stop crying and eat this freaking turkey!”

  Laughter burst out all around and my dad picked up the carving knife. “Happily!”

  “I want a drumstick,” Elly declared, and Beast started barking the moment Dad’s knife touched the bird. The dog was claiming his piece, too.

  “Happy Thanksgiving, Tessa,” Kyle whispered in my ear, kissing me on the cheek before filling up his plate.

  I didn’t rush to fill mine right away, but instead watched my family laugh and joke and stuff their mouths with food I’d helped prepare. We were all so raw, and we loved each other so beautifully that I knew my life was already fulfilled. I would have a shorter time than most, but I’d already lived more because of these three people.

  I was so damn thankful.

  Chapter Forty-One

  Friday, September 5, 2014

  * * *

  I love Christmas. I’ve always loved Christmas. If there’s one holiday we could have skipped this week, it would be this because we’ve never wasted a single one. Last year, we were the house to see on our block—covered with lights and nativity scenes and tinsel for days.

  My mother started the tradition, always reading me The Night Before Christmas to us on Christmas Eve and letting us open one present each. We roasted marshmallows in the fireplace and made s’mores, staying up way past bedtime in excitement for Christmas morning. After I went to bed, she’d dress up like Mrs. Claus, and Dad like Santa, just in case I’d see them wrapping presents and stuffing my stocking. I did, and I knew it was them, but I loved that they’d tried.

  The next morning, I rushed down the stairs, eager to tear through my presents, even though that wasn’t allowed until after breakfast. My dad would get such a kick out of slowly stirring the eggs, yawning widely, and purposely dragging his feet while my antsy little body bounced around the kitchen trying to hurry him along.

  We made green eggs and ham, or rather scrambled eggs mixed with grape jelly and a side of crispy bacon, every Christmas morning after my favorite Dr. Seuss story that Mom read to me every night. It never tasted nearly as good as the novelty of it, but to this day, it was still a tradition we kept and dying food was a strange addition to most of our holidays now.

  Elly never got to experience Mom like that, and so I’d made it my mission to give that to her. Even after Mom died, Dad and I went all out every year. Instead of waiting anxiously in bed for Christmas morning, I was the one downstairs with Dad, helping him wrap gifts and stuff stockings. I got up early and made the off-colored eggs and savory bacon, keeping Mom’s tradition alive.

  Elly’s face when she barreled down the stairs the next morning made every sleepless moment and early morning worth it. I wanted to do that every Christmas for the rest of her life, even if I only had today, and it was only September fifth.

  It was a really cruel twist of fate that I couldn’t do this one thing for her.

  Instead, I was lying in bed, staring at the streak of morning sun cast against the ceiling above me. Tears streamed down my face, or at least I think they were. My body was silent. Numb and tingling as I slowly regained control of my limbs.

  Despite the fuzziness in my head, it hadn’t taken me too long to figure out what had just happened, that I’d experienced a seizure in my sleep, and was waking from it. My stomach rolled with the room around me as I waited for the dizziness to fade away. My arms and legs were a million tiny pins pricking me, and my body felt swollen, angry…unresponsive. Except my body was r
esponding on its own accord, it just wasn’t consulting me in the process.

  When I smelled a whiff of urine, I began crying harder. Silent tears turned to choking sobs as my body gave me just enough control to allow me this. At twenty-eight years old, I wet the fucking bed.

  “Tessa?” Kyle stirred beside me, rousing at the sounds of my sobs.

  I quickly shook my head, or at least I thought I did, but I wasn’t sure since everything was still spinning. “Kyle, please leave. Please leave the room now!”

  I could hear the panic in my voice and it matched Kyle’s face when he leaned over me. He needed to leave. He needed to leave now and never see me like this. I’d regain feeling in my limbs in moments, I was sure I would. I’d get up on my own and clean myself, and he’d never be the wiser. He couldn’t know about this. He just can’t.

  “Babe, what’s wrong?” He pulled the covers down off me, and I wanted to stop him. I wanted to hide what I’d done, hide what had happened, but I couldn’t lift my arms yet.

  “Stop!” I tried again, this time lifting my arm just enough to hold his forearm.

  But it was too late.

  “Babe? Did you…?” His words petered out as he looked from my soiled pajama pants up to my tear-streaked face. “Oh, Tessa, are you okay?”

  I nodded my head slowly, refusing to make eye contact with him. “I’ll be fine. Please, just leave.”

  He was climbing off his side of the bed now, and for a second, I thought he would actually do as I asked. Part of me felt relieved, but another part felt hurt. I wasn’t sure how to decipher that mix of emotions.

  “Like that’s going to happen,” he scoffed, a slight tease to his voice. He came around to my side of the bed and pulled the covers completely off. “Come on, I’m going to carry you to the bath.”

  I stared at him, wide-eyed. The room had definitely slowed, but I was even more aware of my stench now than before. I felt my cheeks flush, my face certainly stained bright red, but his expression didn’t hold a single ounce of pity or disgust.