Mostly B’s: Study up on tarot cards. Perfect if you’re witchily inclined, but even if you’re not, this frequently misunderstood but now super-trendy hobby is both fun and vaguely therapeutic! Tarot card reading also involves a lot of storytelling, so if you’re creatively inclined, this will be a great activity. It will also make you incredibly popular among your friends, who will all want readings themselves.
Mostly C’s: Take up baking. Make no mistake—baking is not for the faint of heart. If you’ve ever watched The Great British Bake Off (remember in season five when Paul Hollywood actually uttered, in all seriousness, “You have to understand the philosophy of how a rough puff pastry works”??) or an equivalent, you know this to be true. Baking is difficult but also incredibly rewarding! Not to mention, obviously, tasty.
Mostly D’s: Take up bird-watching! You think I’m joking, but before you fly the coop (ha!), hear me out. Bird-watching is perfect in the springtime weather that you love: all of our feathered friends are coming back after a long winter away to nest, and it’s a pleasant, relaxing outdoor activity that you can make as easy (a stroll through your local park) or as difficult (an actual hike in the mountains) as you like. Just, uh, remember to bring a hat in case of any unexpected “presents” from above.
PROS AND CONS OF MOVING BACK TO YOUR HOMETOWN
This one goes out to all of you folks who live far from your hometowns, and whose parents are constantly—either explicitly or implicitly—asking you to move back home already. Part of you is like, “Hell, no, not in a million years,” because sometimes it seems like the love you feel for your parents is directly correlated to the number of miles you have between you, but another part of you is tempted at times to move back home where everything seems simpler and easier, not to mention cheaper (unless your hometown is New York City or San Francisco, in which case, you’re out of luck).
If you had a partner or kids, moving home might be complicated, but since it’s just you, it could be really easy. Of course, there is your job, and your friends, and the life you’ve made in your adopted city, but putting aside all of that for a minute, consider the following:
PROS:
Increased chances of homemade cooking. Listen: you’re a grown-ass adult and when you moved out, it was no longer your parents’ responsibility to cook all your meals for you. But if one is offered to you on a regular basis, well, who are you to turn it down! As we all know, anything someone makes for you always tastes better than if you made it yourself.
Handyman help. Landlords and building managers are unreliable, and if you’re lucky enough to afford your own place (congrats: looks like someone was able to lay off the avocado toast for a while), you definitely may need help when something breaks or if looking it up on YouTube and wikiHow just isn’t working out. Whether it’s your dad, your mom, your sibling, or your great-uncle who’s the handy person in your family, it’s nice to have reliable help around.
All jokes aside, it can be nice to have a family support system nearby. Sometimes it’s good when you have a bad day just to go to your childhood home and be with people who have seen you at your absolute worst and yet are required to/still love you, anyway!
CONS:
Expect your parents to become a lot more vocal and involved in your love life. If you catch your dad asking you how OkCupid works, make sure you check your phone later just to make sure he hasn’t meddled in your account—and maybe change your password to something that’s not your birthday while you’re at it.
Impromptu drop-ins may become a Thing. You gave your parents the spare key in case of emergencies, but they seem to use that word liberally, and thank God your romantic life is in the toilet, anyway, because bringing someone home only to inadvertently meet the parents on the first date would be the absolute worst.
Familial obligations will intensify. Obviously, when you lived on the other side of the country you weren’t obligated to go to Aunt Carol’s “twenty-ninth” birthday party or your second cousin’s vow renewal, but now that you’re home, if it’s not a family obligation every couple of weekends, it’s the expectation that you will be home for every Sunday family dinner, no ifs, ands, or buts about it.
WHAT EVERY SINGLE PERSON NEEDS TO HAVE
Life is toughI for a single person. Cooking for one is the pits (cooking in big batches is more economical, but how boring is it to eat layered salads in mason jars for days on end?), there are so many Groupon vacation specials meant for two people (if life were a rom-com, this would be a perfect setup premise, but alas, it’s not), and don’t even get me started on carnival and amusement park rides (is there anything sadder than riding a Ferris wheel by yourself?).
Being single in a world so focused on coupling is like being a left-handed person in a right-handed person’s world: mildly irritating at best, infuriating at worst. Luckily, there are some ways you can make your life as a single person better, and most of them involve stuff. In the words of Parks and Recreation’s Tom Haverford, “Love fades away. But things… things are forever.” Sounds like totally normal, emotionally well-adjusted advice to me!
Below are some basics that every single person should have in this day and age to make it through (you probably already have some of them, TBH):
Roku Subscription: If you don’t have a smart TV that can bundle all of your various subscriptions for you, then you absolutely need a Roku. It’s a must. That way you can easily flip between The Crown on Netflix, Bob’s Burgers reruns on Hulu, Why Women Kill on CBS All Access, The Mandalorian on Disney Plus, and Fleabag rewatches on Amazon Prime. I mean, come on, how else will you fill your idle time if you don’t have a significant other? A book? Grow up.
AirPods/Headphones: These can’t just be any old headphones. We’re going for subtlety here; the subtler, the better. If you can hide it in your hair (especially if you have short hair), then that’s the goal. Besides being great for helping you to tune out all of the noise while walking down the street (including catcalls, ugh), it’s great for tuning out nosy relatives and family friends during parties as they ask their usual questions. After all, what Aunt Carol doesn’t know can’t hurt her, right?
Keurig Coffee Maker: What’s the point of having a regular coffee maker if there’s just one of you, right? And before you say that it’s for “entertaining,” please be realistic and honest with yourself here. You’re among friends, not humble-bragging/lying on HGTV. How often do you actually entertain, especially the type of entertaining in which coffee is required? You’re going to be pouring a glass of Trader Joe’s cabernet sauvignon at your parties, not coffee. (But try to get the reusable Keurig cups that you can just pack ground coffee beans into—we’re trying to save the environment here!)
Weighted Blanket: Originally I was going to say something like “body pillow,” but that just seemed a little too on-the-nose and sad, like that blowup doll Aunt Carol gave you for Christmas as a joke without realizing it was actually an inflatable sex doll. Besides, everyone knows that weighted blankets are the new body pillows. Not only are they excellent at keeping you warm during long, harsh winters, they can also soothe symptoms of anxiety and make you feel more stable and at ease.
Matching Pajama Set: You’re probably, like, matching pajama set? For whom? Aren’t my ex’s oversized shirt that I never gave back and my ratty plaid pajama pants from high school good enough? First of all, while those clothes are perfectly fine, I guess, I promise, one, you can find a pajama set that’s just as comfortable, and two, you’re getting a matching pajama set for yourself. When you’re lounging about your apartment for the entire day, you’ll feel a lot more like you’re indulging in self-care and less like you’re guilty for seemingly doing nothing, instead of your chores, bills, etc. Pajama sets don’t need to be uncomfortable, expensive, or even particularly sexy—they just need to match. (10/10 would also recommend a matching robe and some slippers to complete the look.)
A Hobby: Listen, some people already think that singles are just sad, pathetic individ
uals who sit around doing nothing, bemoaning being single and wishing they weren’t. We all know that’s emphatically not true, but we shouldn’t give anyone reason to believe otherwise. If you already have hobbies, great! If you don’t, feel free to consult the quiz Create Your Perfect Date and We’ll Give You a Millennial-Approved Solitary Hobby to Take Up on page 11. Solitary activities are always good (especially for the introverted type), but social activities are also great. You can sign up for classes and activities at local community centers, and of course, there are always ways to find real-life meetups of like-minded people through the internet.
A Vibrator and an Imagination: This seems pretty self-explanatory, and honestly, very much expected. As we all know, just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you’re guaranteed orgasms (*cue laughter that becomes increasingly strangled*)! But luckily, that’s the entire job of a vibrator and, depending on what kind you get, it will get the job done in exactly the way you want. Just don’t forget to use lube, and clean your toys regularly, okay? You kids have fun now!
I It is not that tough.
II. Excuses, Excuses
You shouldn’t have to justify your single status to anyone, for any reason, but it seems like no one else has gotten the hint yet. Sometimes you can succinctly articulate a reason, sometimes you can charmingly and easily brush off the invasive queries, and sometimes you don’t have the energy or patience to entertain the offensive-yet-somehow-socially acceptable questions regarding your single and/or childless state. Well, from the serious to the silly, we’ve got you covered next time you’re asked (which, alas, is all too often), and telling the other person to F*** off isn’t an option.
REASONS WHY YOU JUST DON’T WANT TO BE SET UP RIGHT NOW, THANKS, AUNT CAROL: A MAD LIBS/FILL-IN-THE-BLANK ACTIVITY
Hi, Aunt Carol! Yes, I did get your email with ________________’s (name) phone number, their latest album of Facebook photos, and all of the facts you remembered about them at 5:32 a.m. when you wrote me that email. Yep, a retired person’s day does start early! It is so kind of you to think of me and I’m sure that ________________ (name) is very nice, but I’m just not interested in dating. Why? Well, I’m super busy at work, what with the ________________ (activity), especially since my boss ________________ (verb) the ________________ (noun). That corporate rat race; it’s killer!
Also, my personal life is an absolute mess. Last week, my apartment became infested with ________________ (noun) and it’s driving me and my cat crazy. My cat ________________ (name) is so agitated that she ________________ (verb) the ________________ (noun). And my landlord is no help! He told me to ________________ (verb) the ________________ (noun). I have to take care of my home before I can even think about inviting someone into it!
And remember my upcoming trip to ________________ (location)? I have to plan for that. I’m going to go see ________________ (location) and of course I’m going to ________________ (verb) the ________________ (noun). It’s a must-do, according to all of the guides.
Aunt Carol, you’re right. It’s like you’re always telling me: I’ll never get a partner if I don’t ________________ (verb) and ________________ (verb), and if I don’t start taking dating seriously, I’ll end up ________________ (adjective) and ________________ (adjective). But I think it’s best if I stay single! And also, to be honest, ________________ (name) doesn’t really seem like my type. I tend to prefer them ________________ (adjective) and ________________ (adjective).
I know you’re trying to look out for me, and I always appreciate it, Aunt Carol. You and ________________ (name) have been married for ________________ (length of time) and you’re very happy together. Well, except for that time ________________ (name) ran off with the ________________ (noun). But we don’t need to get into that. Anyway, I need to go make the rounds with the other aunts, but it was great catching up, and wonderful to see you, as always!
WHY MILLENNIALS AREN’T HAVING KIDS
Now that we’re in our late twenties and early thirties, a pretty big concern for adults in our lives when they find out that we’re single is: But what about children? Don’t you want to have b a b i e s? Those eggs (or sperm) don’t stay fresh forever, you know! Besides the general mortification of having near-complete strangers discuss the “freshness” of your body like you’re about to head to the meat market, the idea of having children in this day and age is so unfathomable to me that sometimes you just have to laugh (or scream!). The circumstances in which our parents had kids are vastly different from what we millennials have been given. Factors that make having kids incredibly difficult, bordering on unrealistic, for our generation, include, but are not limited to:
The Economy: A baby? In this economy? Do you know what most people consider their babies? Their college degrees: 42 percent of people ages eighteen to twenty-nine have student loan debt, thus many of us consider our subsequent degrees our “children,” given the percentage of our paycheck going toward paying it off. And boomers want us to consider adding real children to that? At least a bachelor’s degree just sits there quietly in a corner of the bedroom and doesn’t poop its pants constantly! And it may lead to getting a job with decent pay and benefits and maybe a few sick days and a vacation. Can a grandchild do that, Mom, hmm?
Global Warming: A recent headline said that the Earth might burn itself out by 2050, and while at times the idea of shuffling off this mortal coil sounds appealing (especially on a Monday morning), that’s only thirty years from now, very much still in our lifetime. In 2050 a good chunk of us won’t even qualify for social security yet, if social security is even still a thing by the time we’re eligible (ha! Good one). And people want our generation to bring babies into this world so they can witness the fall of the planet during the prime of their lives?? Is there SPF thick enough for a baby’s fragile skin to withstand nuclear summer? You know how, when you were younger, your parents got you a goldfish and told you that if you took care of the goldfish then maybe you could get a dog? Well, the Earth is our goldfish, Mother, so maybe if you don’t kill it you can get a grandkid.
Parents Gonna Parent: Sometimes it’s incredible to think about the fact that our parents want us to have children when in many ways they still treat us like we are children! And yes, to them we will *Mariah Carey voice* always be their babies, but your dad still doesn’t think you can do your taxes on your own and your mom, like clockwork, no matter how much you protest, continues to schedule your twice-yearly dentist appointments without asking you. They mean well, and yeah, it’s nice not to have to worry about those things, but if they don’t think you can take care of yourself, why are they so insistent that you’re ready to take care of an actual child??
REASONS TO TELL YOUR MOM’S COLLEGE BEST FRIEND WHO’S INTO CRYSTALS WHY YOU’RE SINGLE BASED ON YOUR ZODIAC SIGN
You’re not even that into astrology, really. (Not like your coworker or your roommate, who’s constantly refreshing the Co-Star app.) And when your mom’s best friend from college (formerly known as Helen, currently going by Starfire Moonbeam) is asking you about your moon sign, your rising sign, and which sign rules your Venus, it’s like she’s speaking another language.
As tempting as it is to give in and tell her to back off (privacy is a foreign concept to her now that she lives on the outskirts of town in a co-op you’re pretty sure is actually a cult), you know she means well when she solemnly tells you that the thought of you “moving through the universe as a single soul” keeps her up at night, and that “if your essence doesn’t merge with another’s, you are not fully engaging with the world as the Goddess Mother intended.” Telling her that you’re too busy or focused on your career or just aren’t that into dating and romance won’t fly here, so maybe it’s time to try speaking her language. It can’t hurt, right? Look up your sun sign (but nothing else, don’t worry) and read the corresponding horoscope below to hopefully get Starfire off your back.
Aries: Other people tend to find your high energy abrasive and are intimidated
by your sunny confidence. You have yet to find the complementary spirit that seeks to brighten your flame, not dampen it.
Taurus: You’re a homebody who prefers the simple pleasures in life. Many people these days are concerned with fleeting, flashy things, and though at times you long for a like-minded individual to welcome into your home, you’re content to nest alone for now.
Gemini: Your life was once joined with another of Earth’s inhabitants, but you recently parted ways. (And no matter what you hear from anyone, it wasn’t your fault!) They frequently misinterpreted your open-minded, dynamic ways.
Cancer: It’s just that you’re in an emotionally fragile place right now and feel that inviting another soul into your life’s journey would only muddle your path at this time.
Leo: You have big plans for yourself, and your ambition is not to be thwarted. You simply cannot focus your spotlight on anything or anyone else.
Virgo: Currently, you are meticulously and thoroughly searching for a mate with all of the attention to detail befitting your sign, and will of course give updates if there are promising candidates.
Libra: The life you have curated is, at this time, perfectly balanced. To disturb such harmony would be an insult to the Goddess; at a more opportune time you’ll begin to invite romantic elements into your life again.
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